₦airaland Forum

@puskin, ya u're right brother,

Bigiano's video is better

Honsule is a young dynamic naijaman

IDIA AMIN SPEECH
Ladies and women, my beloved husbands and men in this assembly, I am thank you very difficult for you hand to forgive me this hour to stalk of you Africa and my country which is Uganda.

As I am a field marshall Dr. Or Haj Amin the Life President of my country, I am apologised because I have not deaded Archbishop Haemeni Kuvum. When many people tell me so many questions about him. His death on my behalf has happened with accident which was in the car when he yalked with it. So I am not a mistake you see.

Another words if or the order in my country in Uganda. The pressnewsmen which you can look them there will wanted to know the law orders of my country. They have inquiring me many questions in because my policemen don't catch people in court while they lost them on the way. No this is not right, yet all them who are catched by my policement are removed for court. When the court does not find them good enough and tie them all with mistakes begining from one month through to ten years with even above. So we attempt people in the court before we tie them to prisons and those you understand about they dead are with if they travel dead themselves. Man invent their death. Uganda is peace loving brother country when people enjoy as if they are in another country. That is true about the country.

Dr. Kurt Waldeheim, you are beautiful in one of these husbands. I think you are this beauty to look what is going on in South Africa with Rhodesia, I am sending two hours to whites as if they can choose freedom to Africa, brothers or you will not blame me as I take wondering action to blow them.

Israel is another enemy, they deaded sleeping soldiers of Uganda when they find them at night in Intebbe. I walked one morning and I invented bodies of my soldiers sleeping in the airport and Israel had deaded people there. They must see or because I pay them of this bad news.

Last of that I am thank your lunch which smelled good I am again fed up with it and have admitted revenge when both of you are invited by Uganda.

Thank you very hard and we shall collide everywhere in internal matter like assembly. Thank you very hard

A NIGERIAN CHATS WITH GOD

Dear God, thank you for inviting me to your golden palace. I love it here already. I wish I could stay forever. Maybe, I can get a contract to build one of the streets of gold for you.

You are welcome my son. Don't get used to this place. You are only here for a chat. Now, what can I do for you?

Yes, dear Almighty, I've a burning question on my mind.

What is it, my dear son?

Why did you create the Nigerian?

Oh my son, that is a very good question that I, God Himself, cannot answer. I'm not sure myself. Many people have asked me that question.

Many people?

Yes.

Who are these people?

Foreigners who have died in Nigeria lured there by 419 scam artists. Most of them have asked why I created the Nigerian because they believe that you people are all corrupt.

Why do you say that?

You see, my son. There is a joke going around in heaven.

A joke?

Yes, my son, a joke about you people, Nigerians.

What is the joke?

Remember the song you used to sing when you were in primary and secondary school?

What song, my father?

The song about "All things bright and beautiful, "

Yes, my God, I remember the song very well. But what I don't understand is that how is that a joke?

Listen my son, this is the joke and I will sing the song for you.

Yes, please go ahead, heavenly father.

Listen carefully;

All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful And Nigerians ruined them all.

Oh, that was funny. You mean we Nigerians ruined your creation?

Yes, you people are very corrupt to the point that I'm thinking about finishing all your corrupt leaders as I did with the late president Abacha.

That would be very nice, my God. Our leaders have finished us. I think most common Nigerians would welcome that. These our leaders are all corrupt.

Yes, I knew of that even before it happened.

Who did it, my God?

I cannot tell you now, on judgement day, I will make them pay for their crimes.

Ok, my God, another question.

Yes, go ahead, my son.

Who killed the late Dele Giwa?

Ha, my son, you are very curious.

Yes God, every good journalist should be curious.

You know the killer of Giwa.

Who is that?

That is all I can say for now. On judgement day, I shall make sure that the murderer of Giwa also pays for his crimes.

My God, please tell me, is there a special place for the Nigerian in hell?

Yes, it's called Hell-Gate That is the Nigerian ghetto in hell. There are a lot of you people there already causing trouble for me and the angels. Even Satan is complaining about you people. You already have a bad reputation in hell.

but, dear father, nigeria has improved from being the number one nation to being the secomd most corrupt nation behind"pakinstan",so give us some credit,

THIS IS AFRICA
Here are some signs that you won´t find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.

In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without permission."

On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"

On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00am daily."

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands."

In a Botswana jewellery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."

On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"

In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don´t read this notice."

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."

In a photo studio in Chitungwiza (Zimbabwe): "Photos taken while you wait"

The Lecture

One night Van, who was in no shape to drive home after being at the local pub with his buddies, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily and falling over dustbins along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"Ahh, excuse me Sir!, What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
" Ja Goeie Morning, I´m going to a lecture." Said Van.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the officer.
"My wife." Answered Van.

Enough of reacting to and commenting on other peoples top ten list, create your own top ten list here. It can be any genre/ form of music.

NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
-* "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
-* "Look, go away! You´ve got the wrong man! I don´t want them!" Then he slams the door again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
-* "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-* "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

The Chihuahua and the Leopard[b][/b]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day, the Chihuahua starts chasing butterflies and before long the Chihuahua discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Chihuahua thinks,"OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chihuahua exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. Wonder
if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the Chihuahua sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet , and just when they get close enough to hear, the Chihuahua says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

ASa is simply a phenomenom! her lyrics are refreshing and philosophical, listen to Bibanke every nite before going to bed.

THREE BEERS
Fannie a South African living in the UK walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, -*"what´ll you have?" Fannie answers, -*" Ja, Give me three pints please." So the bartender brings him three pints and Fannie proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they´re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, -*"Sir, I know you like them cold. You don´t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I´ll bring you a fresh cold one." Fannie says, -*"You don´t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one still in South Africa. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we´d still drink together. So right now, my brothers are having three Beers too, and we´re drinking together." The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, -*"I know what your tradition is, and I´d just like to say that I´m sorry that one of your brothers died." Fannie answers, -*"Ag, Nie Man my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

THE AFRICAN VISITOR
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.

When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.

One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises , "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" , and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises , "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" , and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z , from the short-wave radio."

THE PARROT!

Piet was a bachelor and his buddies decided to give him a parrot for his 30th birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren´t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Piet tried hard to change the bird´s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.

He shook the bird and the bird got angry and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Piet put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly all was quiet.

Piet was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Piet´s extended arm and said:


-* "I´m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.
I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

Piet was staring mouth wide open and astonished at the bird´s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot said:


-*"Sir, May I ask what the chicken did?"

NIGHTLY HITCH HIKING
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest township. Wet and in shock, he went to a shebeen and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and, wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the

box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I , sold them."

ANOTHER NIGERIAN SCAM
Dear Sir,

I am Mr.Ahmed Usman, Manager of bills/exchange at the foreign
remittance department of Union Bank Plc,Federal Rep Of Nigeria.

I have decided to contact you through this medium based on a
business proposal which will be of mutual benefit to both of us if
treated with trust and confidentiality.

However,be informed that I discovered your person/company through
your country's trade and enquiry unit here in Federal Rep Of
Nigeria.During an usual Bank auditing,we discovered an abandoned sum
of US35,000,000.000(THIRTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS)in an account
that belongs to one of our foreign custormers who died in a plane crash.

Since we got information about his death,we have been expecting his
next of kin to come over and claim the money because we can not
release it unless some body apply for it as his next of kin or
relation as indicted in our banking guidelines.

Unfortunately,no body has turned up to cliam this money.It is based
on this that I and some other top officials in my department decided
to establish a cordial businees relationship with you hence my
contacting you.We want you to present yourself as the next of kin or
relation of the deceased so that we can release the money and
transferit into your nominatd oversea account for safety and subsequent
disbursement since no body is willing to come
for it.

If the money is not claimmed in the nearest future then
it will definitely go into the Government account as unclaimmed
bill and this is what we are trying to avoild,the banking law and
guidelines here stipulates that any account abandoned or dormant
for a long period of time will be deemed closed and all money
contained therein will be forfeited to the government treasury
account,now it is been speculated that the above money will be
transferred into the government account as an unclaimed sum on or
before october 2003.

I do solicit for your collabration in this business to present
yourself as the next of kin and this is occasioned because of the
fact that the deceased was a foreigner.

We have agreed to give you 30% of the total money for your
assistance,10% has already been mapped out to defray all cost
incurred by both parties in the course of this transaction and 60%
will be for me and my colleagues.

If this proposal matches with your inward intentions for success and
greatness,then you are urged to make a quick response indicating
your readiness and interest to participate in the business.

Note that this transaction is 100% risk free as we will make sure
that we do every thing in accordance with the Federal Rep Of Nigeria
capital control unit hence all modalities for safe business has been
put in place.Please treat this proposal as strictly confidential for
our mutual long term benefit.I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your understanding and co-operation.

Yours Faithfully,

I cant verify the figures but i know that the army killed a lot of civilians

The Waiter and the Presidents
Three men sat at a palm wine bar chatting away.

The half deaf waiter was impressed with the way the two white men and their black uniformed friend were spending money.

He asked them where they came from and what jobs they held.

The first white guy said
"Tell no one I am in the country but I'm the American president. I'm here to escape domestic troubles"

"Pardon?" said the waiter who struggled to hear as loud music was playing.

The president repeated himself.

Next the Russian said
"I'm Russian and I be the president of that great country".

"Eh?" said the semi deaf waiter and the Russian repeated himself.

Lastly the African who had on an army uniform said "Don't you know who I am?"

"Eh?" said the waiter.

"I be Head of State!" said the African in anger.

"Oh, I get it. You behead the state. Now is that with cutlass or guns?" asked the waiter.

"Do I look like a murderer to you eh? I could never behead our great State; cripple her economy – yes; but cold blood beheading, no!"

PERSONALITY SHOW

Toot, toot!

- Why don't you move your silly car out of the way so that I can get through?!

- Why do you shout at me? Do you know whom you are talking to?

- Who are you to block the way? Do you know who I am?

- My friend, if you want to live in peace in this town, you 'd better talk to me in a civil way!

- Look here, my friend, if you do not move your car, I shall get the D.P.O. to arrest you!

- You're joking. It's obvious you don't know to whom you're talking. — The D.P.O. had lunch with me yesterday!

- Oh yeah? He had dinner with me last night: so please move your silly car immediately.

- Look here, Mister, I don't know who you are; But if you don't stop your rudeness, I shall cut off your light for one month — I am the Area Manager for NEPA in this town.

- And I am the Area Manager for NTTEL here. If you don't move your car, I shall cut off your telephone. Both in the office and at home for three months!

Toot, toot!

- Hei! Who's causing the obstruction here? Move it! I am the D.P.O. and I want to get through!

NAIJA MAN IN LONDON
I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account. This is my story,
It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me.
Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo(my man) was trying hard to be British. After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI(Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically, , I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home. My downfall, Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over. They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

A HUNGRY MAN
A hungry man was going along the street.

He got to a place and saw a sign board with the inscription "Eat as much as you can here, your grandson will pay".

The man went in and confirmed from the receptionist who confirmed the statement. The hungry man now ordered for series of food with assorted meat, fish, turkey and others. He ate and ordered for drinks in excess.

He drank excessively. As he was preparing to go, the steward called him and gave him a bill of 2,000 Naira.

The man was annoyed and asked "what the hell is going on here? What is this?" (So so big big grammar)

The steward answered "it is the bill of your fore-father which you must pay so that your grandson would pay for the one you ate."

(Awuuuf de tear belle!)

BUSINESS MAN AND DOCTOR

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices rashes on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the America, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but decides, if it is common in America they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in New York.

The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"

The man replies, "Yes a few in Abuja."

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

BUS STOP DIALOGUE

Are you in the Army?

No. No?

No. Oh. , In the Navy then?

No. Hm. , Perhaps in the Air Force?

No. The Police?

Me? — No. Your father?

My father, what about him? Is he in one of the Armed Forces?

No. Perhaps your mother then? — I forgot the women.

My mother? Of course, not! Your brother or your sister?

What about them? I mean, any of them in the Armed Forces?

No. Then you must have friends in the Armed Forces?

No, I have no friend in the Armed Forces! You mean that you really don't have a relation or a friend in any of the Armed Forces?

No, not I. -
Then, for goodness' sake, take your foot off my foot!

Blind Man Inside Bus
Scene inside a Lagos Molue Bus,

A blind man entered a molue bus one hot afternoon, and no sooner had he been inside the bus, than he started to beg the passengers for alms.

A young school boy took pity on him and told the blind man to sit down at the back of the bus and he will endeavour to collect the alms on his behalf.

After going to every passenger, the school boy was able to raise 500 naira for the blind man, which he promptly gave to him.

The blind man thanked him for his selfless effort and the boy returned to his seat in the front of the bus.

Every passenger marveled at the way the school boy offered to help the blind man as they began discussing the issue amongst themselves.

Then the bus approached a bus-stop and several passengers got ready to alight, including the blind man. As the blind man got to the front of the bus, where the school boy sat, he said in a whisper to the boy's ears "Once again, thank you for helping me. By the way, na where you keep the rest of the money, especially the 100 naira note wey that tall man pay you".

Akwa ibom and Katsina state.