₦airaland Forum

Two guys are flying to Pittsburgh. Him and his
buddy go up to get their tickets at the front
desk at the airport. When the get to the desk,
this chick with the biggest tits they've ever
seen turns around.

The guy, amazed, fumbles over his words and asks
her "I’d like 2 pickets to Tittsburg." He was
very embarrassed and continue to apologize to
her.

She informed him that it happened all the time
and just laughed. When him and his buddy got
their tickets, they took off towards the plane,
snickering all the way.

When the guy got his seat on the plane, he began
chuckling to himself again. The man he was
sitting next to on the plane asked him what he
was laughing about. He told the guy what he had
done and the man started laughing.

Then the man said "that's pretty funny, in fact
the same thing happened to me this morning when I
sat down to eat breakfast with my wife. I looked
across the table at her and in my head I wanted
to ask her to pass the Post Toasties when out of
my mouth came, 'Hey you fucking bitch, you ruined
my life!"

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of
ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal,

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were
dining at the country club one day, and the
conversation turned to the subject of their
respective dogs, which were apparently quite
extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had
the most intelligent dog. The physician
offered to show his dog first, and called to
the parking lot, 'Hippocrates, come!'
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor
to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf
course and dug for a while, producing a number
of bones. He dragged the bones into the country
club, and assembled them into a complete, fully
articulated human skeleton. The physician patted
Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie
for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed,
and called for his dog, 'Sliderule, come!'
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to
rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a
scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect
patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs,
and called 'Bullshit, come!' Bullshit entered
and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit
immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole
their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to
the other club members for his fee, and went
outside to play golf.

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks
since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines covering most of it and the
man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers,
with a beard almost down to the ground. The old
man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?'

The man says 'I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep
since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have a meal and sleep in your house for
tonight'

The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in
on one condition: You cannot mess around with
my grandaughter'

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees,
saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
I'll be on my way tommorrow morning'

The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do
catch you then I'll give you the three worst
chinese torture tests ever known to man.'

'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old
house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind
of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat
(after showering), he saw how beautiful the
grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And
the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both
couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom
and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise
down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three
torture tests would be worth it after that
experience.'

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a
heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and
there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture
test: 50 kg rock on your chest'.

'What a lame torture test' the man thought to
himself as he got up and walked over to the
window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
out. On the backside of the rock is another sign
saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied
to RIGHT testicle'.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the
window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after
the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT
testicle tied to bedpost'.

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly
mother hadn't had an exam in several years
persuaded her mother to let her make an
appointment for an exam with her doctor. She
invited her to spend the night and offered to
drive her to the appointment with lunch
afterward.

On the day of the exam, they went together to the
doctor's office and while the daughter waited in
the lobby the mother nervously undressed, climbed
up on the table, and, with the nurse's
assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then
settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY
today!" he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet
draped over the old lady's upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant.
When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed
and rushed out to meet her daughter in the
waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said.
"What in the world do you think he meant by
that?" the mother asked, bewildered.

"I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to
prepare for the exam?"

"Well, I showered, and I used some of that
feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom," the
mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked her mother
in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant
spray, Mother."

"Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can."

"Mother ! That's not deodorant. That's gold
glitter hairspray!"

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her
horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have
to issue you a warning. You have a broken
reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I
get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like
the way that one rein loops across the horse's
back and around one of his balls. I consider that
animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have
your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her
husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the
emergency brake, "

A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a
classy bar in the South (States). This
bar has a dress code, and the maitre d'
demands he wear a tie.

Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to
sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got
jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps
them around his neck, sort of like a
string tie (a bulky string tie to be
sure) and returns to the bar.

The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to
the guy, "Okay, you're a pretty
resourceful fellow, you can come in,
but just don't start anything"!

TAKEN FOR A RIDE
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!" The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

HIT THE FAN

A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the
bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second
door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole
in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that
there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the shit hit the fan?”

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down

for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Here is the joke: Baptizing a Drunk

oey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning, "

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

NUDE RUNNING
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

STAYING ALIVE
man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly, "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

ANTI SLEEP TREATMENT
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Shoe driving is the best.

Nice game, up Super Eagles!

Are you business oriented? an enterpreneur? an employee? then this is your thread, let us share our legitimate money making ideas/tips here. contributions, questions, comments etc are welcomed.

Ya right, look inwards but also look outwards. Our problem in Nigeria is the lack of condusive business environment for young enterpreneurs.

@Tayo-D
My rationale?
dynamic leadership, ability to rally people together, strong and decisive leadership, rule of law only works in environment devoid of corruption, diplomatic tact
etc.
lets see your swap.

There is the need to swap presidents for the world peace and equilibrium to be maintained
Heres your chance to fix the world based on your political calculations! It is simple, just swap presidents

here is my take

Obama to Nigeria
Mugabe to Pakistan, Gordon brown to Usa, Ghadafi to Mozambique, Yaradua to Ghana, Sarkozy to Iran, Paul Biya to China
Whats your take?

There is the need to swap presidents for the world peace and equilibrium to be maintained
Heres your chance to fix the world based on your political calculations! It is simple, just swap presidents

here is my take

Obama to Nigeria
Mugabe to Pakistan, Gordon brown to Usa, Ghadafi to Mozambique, Yaradua to Ghana, Sarkozy to Iran, Angela merkel to China
Whats your take?

Up today, down tommorow, Tragic ,

Run
couple
run

Pakistan is already a failed state.

Whats your best video game?
I prefer soccer games.

Vid games are meant for both adults and children. Sadly adults in Nigeria do not see video games as means of relieving stress.

Not granted

Go to Hell

I ban you for being the first to post today!