₦airaland Forum

Very well written Intrepid, you have skills.

Thank you ma'am, Coming from a legend, (i gathered this from all the comments directed at you) I guess I'll be forgiven if I start cartwheeling in ecstasy. If you have a minute, please visit my blog www.chimezieokonkwo..com.

Feel free to spend your time wallowing in the mud instead of looking for a way out of it, SMH!

Superted, do we have to email the stories to you or we can just post them on the thread?

I was in a murderous mood on Sunday, October 17 2010. Here I was, minding my own business and lamenting on the state of the economy (yes, I was broke at the time) when the whole of Nigeria practically erupted in wild celebrations as Uti won the Big Brother Africa reality show. I was receiving text messages and pings every 30 seconds and at a point, I contemplated switching off my phone before it exploded from over-use. Big Brother Africa ke? Wetin concern JAMB concern INEC?

I find it mind-boggling and down-right insane to imagine human beings following the events of some idle people, locked up in a house for a period of time and performing meaningless tasks, with as much passion (and fanatism) as religious zealots! Watching people bathing, or eating or jumping from one member of the opposite gender to the other is not my idea of fun. During the duration of the show, it was not uncommon to see workers hurrying home at the end of the day to watch part of the show and discussing its goings-on with as much insight as Professor Wole Soyinka would, if he were to give a lecture on ‘The Lion and the jewel.’

I mean, come on!!! Is this how low our moral values have depreciated to? In faraway India, Nigerian athletes competed against their counterparts from the British Commonwealth and gave a good account of themselves, placing 9th on the medals table out of a 71 participating countries. While some members of the Nigerian contingent were penalized for using banned substances, it is instructive to note that a number of them competed with varying degrees of injuries as part of their sacrifice towards securing glory for their motherland. What did Uti do, abeg? He lazed about in a well-furnished house with some equally idle people and depended on your SMS votes to win a cash prize of $200,000. What particular talent must you possess to be a contestant? What exertions do you go through in order to trounce your rivals and emerge as the winner? Can any of you BBA zealots name three athletes who won medals at the Commonwealth Games? Does it not stand to reason that these men and women who put their bodies on the line for NIGERIA should be more celebrated than Uti who went into the House with the sole aim of securing a financial and popularity windfall for HIMSELF? Honestly, I feel BBA lovers have much lower IQs than cold bowls of akamu. Seriously!

When the text messages and pings caused me to snap, I updated my Facebook status with some choice swear words directed at the whole BBA thing. I was mildly surprised when a number of Facebook and real-life friends attacked me savagely in defence of the show. Mildly surprising because while I had accepted that some of them were literally retards, I didn’t expect the level of animosity that was channelled at me. You would risk a friendship to defend an intangible concept which has little or no bearing on your life? Shey if you are looking for someone to lend you money when you are in a tight spot, you will go and meet the producers of BBA? bleeping wankers!

Did you celebrate when that mentally-deficient, annoyingly incompetent, notoriously corrupt football ‘administrator’, Dr. Amos Adamu was caught on tape soliciting bribes from undercover reporters? Did you cartwheel around your room in delight at the thought of the old fart spending some time behind bars? Did you celebrate when an Appeal Court declared Dr. Kayode Fayemi Governor of Ekiti State after a landmark court battle which lasted for over 3 years? Did you experience a mind-blowing heavenly feeling when you visualized the usurping Segun Oni driving away from the Ekiti Government House in disgrace, with his tail between his legs? Can you see that your priorities are misplaced and you are swimming in the pool with a million other members of a decadent generation who have been brain-washed into placing more premium on ‘easy’ money as opposed to hard work.

What the piss is a ‘reality show’? My tattered dictionary defines it as ‘A genre of television programming portraying normal people and their reaction to given stimuli and/or goals.’ We all know that is a bunch of monkey balls! Reality shows are anything but real. Every contestant goes in trying to ‘play to the gallery’ and hoping to win the votes of the fickle viewers in the process. I strongly believe these reality shows are damaging the psyche of Nigerian youths. These shows are akin to ‘get-rich-quick’ schemes and ‘yahoo-yahoo’ scams, which offer the false allure of the easy, good life.

And now as you return from your BBA-induced exile from reality, you find that, like the temporary succour alcohol offers; your troubles are still ever-present, You must earn a living, you must buy that ‘Brazilian hair’ that your partner wants or there will be hell to pay, you must retake those carry-overs you have or you might be thrown out of school, the list of woes is endless, ,

To the very few people who elected to refrain from rolling in the mud with the pigs, I salute your parents for bringing you up properly,

And here my rant ends,

[color=#006600][/color]I like this scene and your funny descriptive analysis on those kids. I hope to add more fun to my own pages. Keep it up.

Thanks, Invisible!

I'm game, let's have some traction on this.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but has anyone noticed that kids of nowadays are nothing like kids of 20 years ago? There is something fundamentally wrong with the psyche of the children of this generation. While I have not really sat down to analyse the situation, I am hoping this particular rant of mine will evoke some responses from you guys and maybe solve this dilemma that is presently bothering me.

I have stopped going to Silverbird Cinemas and the E-Center. Why? Because I have no intention of being paraded on ‘Crime-fighters’ and spending the rest of my life in Kiri-Kiri maximum prison for voluntary manslaughter or something worse! Have you noticed the horde of ‘juveniles’ who throng the fun spots day in, day out-punching the holy crap out of their blackberrys,(ask me what a 14 year old is doing with one, abeg?)chattering away in affected accents, gesticulating like gaylords (which I suspect most of them will grow up to be) and drama queens (which some of them already are) and generally making a right nuisance of themselves. I remember being in Silverbird one afternoon for something I can’t remember right now, I was walking on the corridor on the first floor when these two little punks stepped out of a shop and began walking towards me. Now, my dear parents taught me to always give my elders the right of way whenever the need arose but I don’t think the parents of these little pricks ever read that script. They kept on walking and one of them had the balls (probably hairless, if you’ll forgive the pun) to bump shoulders with me. I looked back at him in indignation and was thoroughly irritated to see the punks mean-mugging me back. They whispered something to each other and sniggered away, which strengthened my resolve to revenge their lack of discretion. I stalked them, circling round the floor until I came face to face with them again. The little punk who bumped into me was speaking into his cell phone when he looked up and saw me. He probably saw the sadistic glint in my eye and made to hang up the phone but it was too late, I closed the gap between us and ground the heel of my shoe into his big toe, twisting it as I lovingly sought to cause him as much grief as I could in as short a time as possible. Yes, I know there are bouncers at the Galleria but if you had waited for me to finish, I would have told you that I knew around three-quarters of their number as most of them come to a gym near where I live so I was confident my action was not going to result in my mug being rearranged!

Back to the issue at hand, The little punk opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He dropped his phone (pretty expensive looking, I might add) on the floor and clutched his foot in mortal agony. His ‘friend’ weighed the situation and came to the sharp conclusion that I had over 40kg over him and nearly two feet in height and his chances of coming out in a state close to being alive if I had cause to engage in physical combat with him were as slim as Yakubu Aiyegbeni ever winning the World Footballer of the Year award and so he dropped beside his friend and offered what little succour he could while I whistled a jaunty tune and walked away, pleased as a State Governor when the Federal Government releases the monthly revenue allocation.

Okay, okay, I digress, For some reason, I suspect the quality of audio-visual content these children are made to watch is partly the reason for their literal retardation. The quality of children’s programmes has dropped significantly ever since ‘Voltron’ was yanked off the air. Nowadays, kids have to make do with brain-damaging cartoons like ‘Ben 10’ and ‘Tele-tubbies’. I shudder to think of what I might have been if I was forced to grow up on these!

I was at a family function when one little punk (what is the female word?) of a cousin walked up to me. The last time I checked, I was older than the Paris Hilton wanna-be by at least 12 years, but it didn’t stop her from trying enthusiastically to spoil my day. Decked in a traditional outfit that her father must have physically forced her into wearing, lest she turned up for the party looking like a 2nd year prostitute, she was a study in teenage insanity as she flopped into an empty seat beside me without asking for permission first, chewing gum loudly and clutching a high-end Blackberry. I scowled deeply in the vain hope that she would get the message and go bother some other unlucky relative but she obviously didn’t get the message. ‘Oh dahleeeeeng!’ She crowed, sounding like a cross between a dying vulture and a Nigerian On-Air personality, ‘eets been aygeeees seence eye saw yoouuuu!’ (I translated that last sentence just the way she said it. But seeing how much torture she inflicted on me with that sentence, I will refrain from subjecting you to the same treatment.) I instantly went into ‘brain-dead’ mode and was blissfully unaware of whatever she might have said in the three minutes or so that she elected to torment my existence. I vaguely remember grunting absently after every third sentence she uttered until she got bored with me and picked some unlucky victim to excruciate.

Another IQ booster for me is the concept of caning, I think caning does a lot to improve a child’s reasoning power! In fact, I’ll give you the gist in the sequel, Stay tuned!

www.chimezieokonkwo..com

I was in a murderous mood on Sunday, October 17 2010. Here I was, minding my own business and lamenting on the state of the economy (yes, I was broke at the time) when the whole of Nigeria practically erupted in wild celebrations as Uti won the Big Brother Africa reality show. I was receiving text messages and pings every 30 seconds and at a point, I contemplated switching off my phone before it exploded from over-use. Big Brother Africa ke? Wetin concern JAMB concern INEC?

I find it mind-boggling and down-right insane to imagine human beings following the events of some idle people, locked up in a house for a period of time and performing meaningless tasks, with as much passion (and fanatism) as religious zealots! Watching people bathing, or eating or jumping from one member of the opposite sex to the other is not my idea of fun. During the duration of the show, it was not uncommon to see workers hurrying home at the end of the day to watch part of the show and discussing its goings-on with as much insight as Professor Wole Soyinka would, if he were to give a lecture on ‘The Lion and the jewel.’

I mean, come on!!! Is this how low our moral values have depreciated to? In faraway India, Nigerian athletes competed against their counterparts from the British Commonwealth and gave a good account of themselves, placing 9th on the medals table out of a 71 participating countries. While some members of the Nigerian contingent were penalized for using banned substances, it is instructive to note that a number of them competed with varying degrees of injuries as part of their sacrifice towards securing glory for their motherland. What did Uti do, abeg? He lazed about in a well-furnished house with some equally idle people and depended on your SMS votes to win a cash prize of $200,000. What particular talent must you possess to be a contestant? What exertions do you go through in order to trounce your rivals and emerge as the winner? Can any of you BBA zealots name three athletes who won medals at the Commonwealth Games? Does it not stand to reason that these men and women who put their bodies on the line for NIGERIA should be more celebrated than Uti who went into the House with the sole aim of securing a financial and popularity windfall for HIMSELF? Honestly, I feel BBA lovers have much lower IQs than cold bowls of akamu. Seriously!

When the text messages and pings caused me to snap, I updated my Facebook status with some choice swear words directed at the whole BBA thing. I was mildly surprised when a number of Facebook and real-life friends attacked me savagely in defence of the show. Mildly surprising because while I had accepted that some of them were literally retards, I didn’t expect the level of animosity that was channelled at me. You would risk a friendship to defend an intangible concept which has little or no bearing on your life? Shey if you are looking for someone to lend you money when you are in a tight spot, you will go and meet the producers of BBA? Fucking wankers!

Did you celebrate when that mentally-deficient, annoyingly incompetent, notoriously corrupt football ‘administrator’, Dr. Amos Adamu was caught on tape soliciting bribes from undercover reporters? Did you cartwheel around your room in delight at the thought of the old fart spending some time behind bars? Did you celebrate when an Appeal Court declared Dr. Kayode Fayemi Governor of Ekiti State after a landmark court battle which lasted for over 3 years? Did you experience a mind-blowing orgasm when you visualized the usurping Segun Oni driving away from the Ekiti Government House in disgrace, with his tail between his legs? Can you see that your priorities are misplaced and you are swimming in the pool with a million other members of a decadent generation who have been brain-washed into placing more premium on ‘easy’ money as opposed to hard work.

What the piss is a ‘reality show’? My tattered dictionary defines it as ‘A genre of television programming portraying normal people and their reaction to given stimuli and/or goals.’ We all know that is a bunch of monkey balls! Reality shows are anything but real. Every contestant goes in trying to ‘play to the gallery’ and hoping to win the votes of the fickle viewers in the process. I strongly believe these reality shows are damaging the psyche of Nigerian youths. These shows are akin to ‘get-rich-quick’ schemes and ‘yahoo-yahoo’ scams, which offer the false allure of the easy, good life.

And now as you return from your BBA-induced exile from reality, you find that, like the temporary succour alcohol offers; your troubles are still ever-present, You must earn a living, you must buy that ‘Brazilian hair’ that your partner wants or there will be hell to pay, you must retake those carry-overs you have or you might be thrown out of school, the list of woes is endless, ,

To the very few people who elected to refrain from rolling in the mud with the pigs, I salute your parents for bringing you up properly,

And here my rant ends,