₦airaland Forum

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him

on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.


The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with

the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".


The man then said "When I was at the races last week

Julie was the name of the horse I bet on"


The wife apologized and went on with the housework.



Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife

bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.


Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied. "Your horse just called !!!!"

I hope so tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his neighbor (Dave) walk outside and check his mailbox.

With a confused look on his face, Dave walks back inside the house.

Five minutes later, Dave walks outside again to check his mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, he walks back inside his house.

Another five minutes later, Dave comes back outside to check his mailbox.

After watching Dave check his mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy became pretty curious. When Dave started to walk back inside again, he asks, "Dave, what are you doing going in and out every five minutes to check your mailbox?"

Dave answered: "My computer keeps telling me that I've got a mail."

The Lottery

Steve finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bankrupt and he's in serious financial trouble. he's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Steve again prays "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and Steve still has no luck.

Once again, he prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there comes a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Steve is confronted by the voice of God Himself, who said frustratingly: "Steve, You have to meet me halfway on this, You have to buy a ticket, Just one will be enough."

Hey guys

where is tytylayor gone to sef?

Abeg make she come see what she caused o

with this little Johnnny issue

I no gree

Call me Big Johnnny

or else I go give u one knock wey u no go forget

Hey! stop there all of you

who is little Johnnny

I am Big Johnnny o

Dont you dare belittle me by littling me with your little titles like little Johnnny

Wait a minute guys!

Let Johnnny decide who is the smartest

Puzzle for you.


Once upon a time, an old lady went to sell her vast quantity of eggs at the local market.

When asked how many she had, she replied:

Son, I can't count past 100 but I know that.

If you divide the number of eggs by 2 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 3 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 4 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 5 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 6 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 7 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 8 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 9 there will be one egg left.
If you divide the number of eggs by 10 there will be one egg left.

Finally. If you divide the Number of eggs by 11 there will be NO EGGS left!

How many eggs did the old lady have?


Lol, take care guys
_________________
Live life to fullest!

Thank God

I am left out of the duty sharing!

Will enjoy myself like no man's bizness

@gaby

I will prefer the last babe over there, afterall she might look beta than the rest when she removes the planet of Apes costume.

@ RichDad

Na lie I no fit wound jooooo

You just check me out below

@ RichDad

Na lie I no fit wound jooooo

You just check me out below

@ Aby

I wish to participate too, but, but,

I had stomach upset on that day. sorry

and more

more

I think the 2008 edition of the Olympics in Beijing, china is too dull.

I av suggestions that will make it more interesting and bring out the full potential of the athletes.

check this out!

@ Dani

You are really funny.

Love the second joke!!!

Kip 'em coming

Arrested for laughing!


[center]This is from an actual trial in the UK :


A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account
of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing,


She had him arrested.


Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted
in such a manner.


His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she
was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which reads:
“Coming Soon: The Gold Circle Twin”. I was amused.

I was even more amused when she moved away and sat under a shaving
advertisement, which read:
“William's Stick Did The Trick”.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:
“Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident.”


The case was dismissed, !!!!!![/center]

WAYS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN.


1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
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2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
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3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
‘Mum! Now I know why all of grandma's hairs are white'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The goose and the gander

It's an old story that we read in Class 3 but with a new ending. J

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take
a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the
side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were
gone.


He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The jaat sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the
monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys
did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller
and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.


He woke up and realized that the monkeys on the tree took all his hats. He remembered his grandfather?s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.


Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,
gave him a slap and said to him "You think only you have a grandfather ?!!!"

[center]A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s, !" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house, " said the lady


**********


MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project, !!

[/center]

To all my fellow Nairalanders,

I am using this opportunity to thank every one of you that had contributed one way or the other to the resolution of this problem.

I am also using this same opportunity to tell you all that I am glad to announce that my wife is 2 months pregnant now!

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate your help.

Whatever want exists in any of your lives, may God answer you faster than He did for me.

May U all enjoy till the end of your days. And may my little and humble contributions to other people's thread also help someone get out of their dilemmas.

Thank you One! Thank you All!

@kobojunkie

I wake up  between 5 and 5.30am, get ready for work, board BRT at 6.00 and get to work between 6.30 and 7.00.

For ur info: BRT starts 6.00am if that is what u are driving at.  Cos I see that I am the subject of discuss now and not Fashola anymore.

Dont be angry about the "living in Nigeria" stuff (my bad).  why get  so cranky about it. anyways

@kobojunkie

I wake up as between 5 and 5.30am, get ready for work, board BRT at 6.00 and get to work between 6.30 and 7.00.

For ur info: BRT starts 6.00am if that is what u are driving at.  Cos I see that I am the subject of discuss now and not Fashola anymore.

Dont be angry about the "Nigeria" stuff. why get so cranky about it. anyways

@Keba

Thanks very much for ur advice. I will talk to her.

Maybe that may even have some effects on her
Thanks again,

@ kobojunkie

Are u in Nigeria? Cos if u are, u will know some people work for close to 12 hours a day

I close between 6 and 7pm. for your information.

I have to get to work as early as that, to get the office ready for people like u

Na wa o! Human beings

We are never satisfied with anything. Give them Mr., they will be asking for chief, Give them Chief they will be asking for King, Give them King - they will be asking for God.

Like Obey said: there is nothing u can do, that people will be satisfied.

I live in Lagos, and I know what I have seen before Fashola's government. And I know what I see now.

I know how many queries I had collected from my employers for coming late to work, now with BRT I can get to work as early as 6.30am - Transportation

Maybe some of you dont listen to news at all, if U did, you would av heard about Free eye care programs, LASAMBUS, etc - Healtcare

You are complaining about drainage, I think u need to look very well at Lagos and see that Lagos itself as a State is water logged, now u also complained about demolitions going on, what do u expect him to do when a sane person builds his house on a point earmarked for drainage passage?

Stop criticizing Fashola from afar, look objectively at Lagos of Today and compare it with Lagos of 2006.

Come under the Apongbon brigde, which was a hidden place for Thugs, Thieves and Rapists. Maybe u people should sometimes get down from your high horse and see things from a husslers point of view.

buy anything in Balogun market of before and see how long it will take u to get back to wherever u packed ur car, and dat is if Omo Onile (Thugs) dont take it away from u for not paying ur tithe ; all as a result of people adding long extensions to their shops, up to the middle to the road. If Fashola demolishes that, and U of all people are complaining. I dont understand what we really want.

Maybe we shud be the ones to put our priorities right. Beautification or not, Fashola has touched lives for good.
Only those who reap from dirt, Thuggery, etc and those living in rich, comfortable neighbourhoods will sit on their sofas and complain about everything.

Fashola has started a change, something no other Governor has done, not even my own state's Governor.

@Last King

I am sorry to say that u misjudged my situation.

Maybe this will help u understand d situation, My weight was 87pounds before my wedding, now I am 88pounds. and My wife? she was 62pounds before the wedding, now she's 57pounds because of worry.

It is not that I dont want to have children. i do want the babies, but I am not that anxious afterall I have to cater for the family.
and to say the truth that has not been quite easy even with us being only two. But she is more anxious because she thinks everyday about it. Stressing herself. I have tried to talk to her many times. To no avail.

But thanks to all of u dat have contributed one way or the other, we have gone to the clinic for check-up and awaiting the results of the tests we took.

@ Ajebota

I am sorry for that, it is a slip of typing, but thanks all d same for d correction.

what I meant was that, I am thanking God that nothing happened between us before she died,
cos I will not have been able to forgive myself.

she's family.

For me

Angela is most sexy of all ladies on second chance anyday

Check her out!!!

Please, I am also interested, send the settings to my mail

johnonline2005@yahoo.com

Thanks.