₦airaland Forum

Timbuktou:
The victim is at fault sometimes. Don't get it twisted. A man should not hit his wife just as a man should not hit another man, but these things happen. Why do they happen, because it's a part of human existence. It happens because of the principle of cause and effect.

Cause and effect you say...ok!

Francis5:
Pack of dirty-looking, desert-infested humans.

Wow, as you have called God's creatures dirty looking and infested, I hope you feel better about your own self.

sakaguchi:
Nairaland is a crazy joint.
I wanted writing A.bo.ki and its changing it to northerner.

Mr Seun, who told u A.bo.ki = Northerner?
This is a new year o! Let's not start getting things wrong.

Meanwhile, the hypocrisy of muslims knows no bound. I sent happy new year to a classmate and he responded that New Year is a kufr celebration and real muslims don't celebrate it. Chai! Some people start the year by thinking with their appendix.

Are they not Northerners, the word A.bo.ki has been turned into something derogatory by non-northerners so kudos to Mr. Seun for ensuring that people can not use it. In Saudi Arabia, NY is not recognized...the islamic calendar has it's own new year. He was not being hypocritical. It is his belief! Most Nigerian muslims are very accommodating, we celebrate their holidays and they celebrate ours as well. Lastly, Kano has a good size christian population.

Montaque:
good,some people may not go with my formula,but it can work for me,if my wife can apply it. Marriage is sweeter when their is sincere communication...that's all I advocated for.

Carry on bro! "Marriage is SWEETEST when there is sincere communication"...absolutely agree with you on this one. Happy New Year to you Montaque.

Montaque:
feminism speaks here. Anyway,we must get over it somehow,in her own way or my way. Mind u,there is no formula,it depends on the person involved nd the kind of attachment they habour.

No na, feminism is not in this matter. I thought the exact same thing when I read what you said. I would be very disappointed if my husband put me through such ridicule in the name of helping him get over his ex. Why expose your spouse to that type of mockery. Your spouse should not be in the business of winning you over, that was pre-marriage na. The truth is, if you can not get over your "one true love", biko do not burden an innocent party with such baggage. You will cause your partner to become insecure (does he/she love me like he/she loves her/him?, can I measure up?)...this opens doors to all sorts. It is not easy to wear the cloak of husband/wife! In assuming that position, you are forsaking all others. It is not easy but such is the way of the married folk!

I feel for the OP, it is a very difficult place to find yourself. OP, talk to your husband one more time. He is being very disrespectful to your union. If this lady can not find anyone else to get advice or soothing words from, that is her own problem and not his. He should concentrate on his family. If he is bored, he can try and engage himself in a money making business venture. I apologize if I sound harsh.

Aisha2, God bless you. You are a great woman. All the donors, God increase you. Pickabeau...I dey forever sing this young man praise. To the people that feel by helping a single mother you are encouraging single parenting...it is ok, that your high horse you are sitting on...enjoy it while it lasts You that is the only child of God and has never derailed, kudos to you. God's grace will continue to help the women and men who have buckled down to raise their children despite judgment, as long as you are right with God, brush off the mockers. People like that feel their own sins are smaller than yours,no worry...God has a beautiful way of pinning their mouths closed.

Merry Christmas and may you experience the love of Christ during this wonderful season.

I thought two become one in marriage, a gift to your wife is a gift to you and vice versa! It will alleviate your stress and save you the headache of having to buy her a car. You can not afford it, put your pride aside for the comfort of your wife. My father would not sit and allow me to be flying keke and jumping buses when he can buy me a car. My husband is his son and he is a man that can discern that my husband might not be able to afford a car for me at the present time. If the man buys a car and my husband starts vexing, he will vex and calm down one day...ontop gift that both of us will enjoy.

Goodnight o!

LordReed:
Pray they get the message sooner than too late.

Hian! Everything must become war on this Nairaland. Haba, two minutes and someone will come and be name calling. Internet gangstas that like to bully people. It is a pity. Grown ups o! LordReed, keep your cool...none of the name callers can pay your salary or live your life.I will forever respect the likes of pickabeau, I hardly agree with him but he is a man who knows that noone's opinion can change the fact that he is a man! Brother can argue without insulting people.

Interesting topic has been run down once again.

In4matic:
OP, God bless you for your decision to stay however you shouldn't see it as a battle between you two women. Welcome her, genuinely love her and be an take her as a kid sister or even a twin and watch your family turn to a mini heaven on earth.

The likes of @Jumbotron, I chose not to respond because its alright to have your own opinions about what you think the world and the marriage institution ought to be. My advice is for the OP on the realities of life.

Some people here have said you OP maybe a man, maybe a fictional story but incase it is real. Take good advice and stay in your marriage! And do your part. Congratulations on your new wife (yes she is also your wife as well as your husbands) and happy married life

Oh Chi'm o realities of life kwa. Bruh, we can just agree to disagree.

Wait o, it is a deep insecurity that causes a man to almost pop a vein because a woman has a differing opinion. GUY, so if someone does not agree with you that person is a man hater? Has a "feminist" hurt you? Ah ah, calm your horses. Feminism is not your issue my brother, something else is. Please seek that thing out.

Talking about "you must answer them so they do not have monopoly over the airwaves". In present day Nigeria when we are dealing with unemployment, bombings and lack of electricity, your main gripe is women with an opinion different from yours? Not everyone will agree with you in this life. Not every woman will fit what you feel is the prototype of a woman. Please this crusade to silence "feminists" has you looking very somehow. Feminism to you is on the same level as a jihadist movement? Wait...what?

You also say "Some feminists desperately wish that women are constantly oppressed so that they (some feminists) stay relevant"...haba guy...seriously, seriously you wrote that with a straight face and conviction?

I am unfollowing this thread biko, I just hope you take a chill pill. It is not that serious.

Truckpusher:
I had this vision of many Nigerian girls remaining single and frustrated.

You might really want to get busy bro ...there are other important things to be having visions about.

lilmax:
And that is the same reason why I will never depend on my wife's money.....the more guys let women take care of their responsibilities the more the women take them for granted

Nowadays men do the same though. Besides, it is too stressful for a grown man/woman to depend on another for his/her absolute upkeep. Unless that person is very financially well off, it will cause friction.

deeptesting:
What about the Men that pay the bills, assist in domestic work, yet have disrespectful & ungrateful wives... You women are the greatest hypocrites, stop generalizing issues.

Most times, that man just did not look well.

[quote author=hatelove post=29037670]See, the Lord will strengthen you. You have learned your own lesson from this, now go and sin no more If you know you want to stay, stay but not with the mind to make your co-wife uncomfortable. When she comes in, accept her but nne watch your kids well. Let them not show hatred towards her but let her earn your trust as well. Do not have this defeatist attitude or else she will not respect you. Life has given you lemons, pull out a blender and make lemonades. I do not believe in knowingly sharing a bed with a man and another woman so I would definitely seek ways to protect myself but that is just me! Like I said earlier, upgrade your skills, live your life to the fullest and find happiness in your children and God. You made mistakes but my dear you are not the sole architect of this situation so stop blaming yourself. If you still love this man, then become his friend, do not compete for his attention, just live your life. If it becomes too much, you can take your leave.

Madam, what has happened has happened. Both you and your husband have great faults. Marriages take two to work and not one person. There was gross mistrust & lack of communication in this marriage. I do not believe in polygamy so to me(my own opinion), if my husband brings in a new wife, he is directly asking me to leave. Marriage is no walk in the park, if we all decide to bring in new partners when our spouses annoy or aggravate us, we would have chaos. If this man felt emotionally abused, it was up to him to call you out on it, address it by either asking you to leave or insisting both of you get counseling. No one should live in a situation that will cause them stress.

Now, you can do one of two things, you can leave or you can try to make the best of this situation. Work on whatever it is that makes you feel so insecure. I agree that this man was cheating and it made you feel paranoid but under no circumstances should any woman or man go after your spouses outside lover. They did not take you to the altar. You should not even fight your spouse if you find out they are cheating, you can confront the situation and together try to fix it, if they do not change, then you make a decision or if you absolutely can not condone it, you leave.

This is a clear case to women, if you fight one mistress...you will keep fighting the rest. As for the new wife, unfortunately for your husband, he is in for the ride of his life. No, I am not cursing him at all but every woman knows what new wife is up to. Let God help him and his blood pressure.
Focus on making sure your children have love and they are duly provided for, you should also get busy. Go and upgrade your skills, most times when a woman has fulfillment in most parts of her life, she is able to handle matrimonial stress. Our mothers taught us not to make a man our all in all. That is why that "all in all" position is meant for God and God alone. It is unfair to your spouse because they can not meet up, it is not humanely possible. If you are going to stay, become a friend to your husband again and you are a christian so ask the good Lord to search you and make you a better woman not for your husband but for you, only then can you truly be better (and everyone will benefit). If you decide to stay, you must forgive your husband and yourself. Time will reveal the true intentions of the new wife, but unfortunately for some men, they only learn lessons after very hard experiences.

[in4matic, I have to address somethings you said please.

Your Husband has done nothing wrong in the sight of Man or God...No matter how I feel about this story, the husband cheated on his wife.In the sight of the God I know, he committed adultery and honestly when you face God on judgment day, he will not pardon adultery because the woman you willingly married was searching your phone.

YOU DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHILDREN, YOU NEVER HAD AND NEVER WiLL She is a caretaker of those children as much as the man is, if you try to bring that talk to a woman that bore a child in her belly, you will regret stepping on the toes of a mad woman (sorry o, as a mother I have to correct you and all those who feel they can use this to threaten a woman be you from the SE, SS, NE, or EW, a woman is an equal parent just like the man).

IF YOU HAD GIVEN HIM THE RESPECT YOU ARE WRONGLY GIVING TO YOUR PASTOR, YOUR HOME WiLL HAVE BEEN PARADISE .Once again, this man did not honour his vows, in the sight of God...there is no excuse for his actions NONE. The sin of adultery is not judged specially for men, let us not be mistaken

That You did not start a business even if not a job is entirely your fault. And sorry to tell you, your parents won't want you back and no man will ever take you more seriously than a mistress no matter how pretty you are. You have no skills and your degree Became worthless after keeping it for 5 years after leaving school( no experience) Not true, just because you will not take her type as a wife does not mean NO man will, women have remarried with 5 children and no degree so making a blanket statement of this sort to get her to sit in her home is weak at best[/quote]

#Climbssoapbox. Divorce definitely has a toll on Children and I hope married couples can get better counseling before they pull the plug on their relationships. I also think more men and women need to get better counseling before marriage not the (pardon me) nonsense that takes place in some churches. The "secular" marriage counselors are doing a better job because they tell the reality of marriage and not the one sided teachings that are destroying homes. I like that our courts require a 2 year separation prior to granting a divorce (atleast I think this is the case). However, there are some people that need to go their separate ways for their children to stop living in the hell they call a marriage. Children deserve two functional involved parents, not one crazy, psychotic, tyrant and a weak, broken partner. I have seen the effects of a horrid marriage on children and since then my position on divorce has changed.
I have gone off tangent OP, I apologize...let me climb off my soap box. Have a great night!

His parents have raised their own children, what does he mean leave your 2 year old behind? Please really discuss with your husband. I can not leave my children anywhere for another to cater for them when I am still alive and kicking. Is it the issue of insurance, child care, fear that the child will grow up without an African orientation? There are ways to make all these things work. Will your mind be at peace? I'm confused and sad for the little baby.

Take heart dear, I pray for strength for you and your family. May his soul rest in peace. Sending you hugs.

babyosisi:
Children are not just your children when they come from your womb

100% agree.

Poster, she should not leave her marriage. Yea yea, if the tables were turned, it might be a different story but we should strive to do what is right and not compete with others and in doing so do the wrong thing.

Dear, your husband sounds like a good man. I am all for women having a job, business, livelihood. If your husband wants you there, move to where he is and find ways to establish yourself. I know it seems like you are making all the sacrifices but trust me in marriage, the sacrifice "wind" blows back and forth. Think about the pros and cons of staying in Nigeria and what these pros and cons will do to your marriage. Weigh them out and go from there. I am not leaning towards going to him because he might stray, I am leaning towards it because long distance marriages should only happen when absolutely necessary.

I am utterly confused by what is going on in the minds of young Nigerian men and women. If someone had the time to write this lengthy list and expect everyone to agree, fully insult people with different opinions, we should have more young people at the fore fighting for a better Nigeria with the same passion.

I am a mother & wife and what many young men on this forum would call a feminist due to my beliefs, unfortunately a lot of us do not even know the difference between a feminist and an obnoxious woman. Apparently, to the nairaland man once you have a differing opinion, you are a feminist that will die a lonely spinster with 30 cats.
I have a very happy family and a Sig. Other who respects who I am and I in turn worship the ground he walks on because he does not try to stifle my voice and he knows his place as the head of our home, he does not need me to do a special dance, walk on egg shells etc to proof it to him. I feel very sad because we, the mothers have raised entitled men who do not know that their place is at the top and when the family structure is broken or breaking, it is due in part to the heads being slack in their duties. I am not a fan of the uptick trend in divorces and single motherhood but SirShymex, these women that you look down on are not divorcing themselves or reproducing by themselves. There are some (a small number by the way) who enjoy the fantasy of having babies but as a man, as a potential head of a household, you should be mindful of the women you lay with. Yes, the woman bears the brunt of an unwanted pregnancy and she should also be careful but I am addressing my young men because y'all are screaming we are the heads, we are superior and you are acting otherwise.

Our "Heads" are failing woefully and I do not know if it is pride, ego what you might call it but nothing is being done to correct this problem. You pass out these lists to women and what are the men doing to prepare to be better husbands and fathers...nothing. What are you doing to prepare yourselves to pick compatible spouses? Instead, you are steady picking women that are not ready to fill the roles you so badly want them to fill.

Please do not get me wrong, there are some misled, downright horrible women out there but the rate at which some of you complain on here, one would think all Nigerian women are neck twisting, man bashing, control freaks. Gentlemen, if you are running into "unfit" women time and time again, check yourself.
If I was not married and I did not know other married couples, I would be scared of what this upcoming generation of husbands will look like. Rants and rants, threads shouting down anyone that dares speak up for herself(are some of the ladies going about it the wrong way...yea) but please talk to happily married men, let them tell you what they are doing right. Don't be a man that is quick to call a woman out by all kinds of names...wow. A good woman still embarrasses the tenets of marriage but you will get kickback if you continue to hold an oppressive mentality (afterall, you can only hold a person down for so long).

When people complain about Naija, they do not blame anyone but the "Head", the blame does not go first to the 2nd in command. Young Men, you need to take your place as the heads and stop being so whiny (no offense). The breakdown in the family structure is not solely the woman's fault.

As for the list, I thank goodness most men are not walking around wielding To Do's in the faces of women. Look, find a woman that is compatible to your vision and goals in life. If both of you are on the same page, you will grow together in love and raise a family of champions. All these lists smack of a whole lot of something bad. I am truly worried for some of my young brothers on this forum.

Forgive the length, I tend to be wordy.

Someone called this lady the best performing Minister?? I tell you, we are a land and people of mediocrity. These serving leaders complete a project that they ought to have completed and we shout, clap, and dance like they are 6 month old babies that are potty trained. We award them whether it is based on tribal sentiments or cash rewards. We are our own problem.
In the SE, we have one functioning Governor, in the SW, we have 1 for sure, in the SS we have 1, 1.5, in the entire North...we can say 1 is working and in the Middle Belt...God will have mercy. Yet, we sit here and throw insults because someone criticized your "towns" person. We can not even proffer solutions intelligently without it amounting to heavy insults. Are we so frustrated that we act like kids instead of adults when it comes to discussions? God help us all.

carujmonella: @jumboturon, watch I as replied you in the same manner you addressed me. I gave you that respect that you've earned by being civilized to a great extent. That's how I roll. I respect people's opinion when they respect mine. I don't cuss first, if I do and get notified about it, I will ACCEPT and apologize. But the last thing I'll ever do in this life or next, is to allow internet riff-raffs insult my parents and expect me to act dumb and be their delusional "grown man" and keep quiet. Sorry, I don't act that way, respect is reciprocal.

Cheers

Dude, a Superior being would take "rantings" lying down (Ok, I kid). Can an unknown person really disrespect your parents and you take them seriously?? Just like calling me a Hypocrite can't faze me no matter how you phrase it (Ok let me stop kidding around)

All I am saying is, you started the conversation well and you and De Beauvoir were having great discussion (albeit heated but it was awesome) until BOOM, it went straight to hell. I think we can differ on this and still be respectful of each other. You did not deserve the insults and neither did she(or any of the other ladies).

As for the insults, I did skip over that part because Lord have mercy, y'all took 12 pages insulting each other. I do apologize for the disrespect your parents received because they are not part of this discussion and I feel that is going too far and we should discuss as adults. I would take off earrings if anyone insulted my folks as well to be honest. I apologize to the ladies that were insulted as well, you are brilliant women and your assertiveness is refreshing.
Personally, I apologize for being a bit biased to Carj. I do have expectations for grown men as you do for married women (you know that whole thing about not judging like a child) :-). So I should have given you the benefit of a doubt. I will extend a hand across the board especially to Carj. We can differ, infact...we should. I just started teaching a Class on Gender Issues and this thread makes for great discussion. No one deserved the insults that were traded. Things have gotten way out of hand. I hope you can see it in your heart to accept the hand. Ladies and Gents, I hope we can make peace. Maybe at another time, this discussion can be had; right now is not looking too good. Just know that the ground has been watered, especially in our society. I hope we can move from a place of name calling to having good discourse.

Ugosample: Male chauvenists and Feminists are the most confused people on earth. We have to understand that we are COMPLEMENTS and not RIVALS. Illustration: No matter how fine wonderful and great a vehicle is, it cannot move an inch without fuel in it. Likewise, having tanks of fuel without a combustible engine will make the fuel useless. That's how men and women should view themselves. The fuel and the engine cannot be useful/effective on its own. That said, if you are a christian, you would agree with me that the bible shows us the best way to live (with respect to marriage, e.t.c.) e.g. Colossians 3:18-21 (Wives, be in subjection to your husbands, You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with them, or maltreating them; and children, obey your parents in everything, and fathers, do not be irritating your children) This advice has led to peace in many homes. I wish i could go home but i'm very busy at the moment.

Sir, you do not need to say much more. You have said it all. We complement each other. I say it everyday, I bless God for the men in my family and my husband. These are men that understand the concept of each party bringing something to the table. As a man, you lose out by allowing societal pressure to make you feel as if a woman should be inferior to you. Both parties are important for the society to run efficiently. We all have our stereotypical flaws. None is more superior than the other. It is refreshing to see some men understand this. God bless you Sir.

Ngokafor: ..Shut up and get lost!..you made no points from top to bottom, you only succeeded in proving you are transgendered with zero balls,,loser!

Ngokafor, I can not believe a grown man would even speak in this tone. I would save my breath and ignore him. Like I said, it is such a shame that for someone who says he is superior he displays such inferiority complex.

tintingz: Christianity has mixed with western culture that 95% of this confused feminist are christians and must of them are lesbians

The bible frowns at divorce today many christians are divorcing going against the law in the bible, christian/western women are to adopt the surname of their husband as long she is in the man house while muslim women are to keep their father's name and can divorce.

Now which religion view women to be a man property after marriage?

*Divorce is allowed in certain cases.
*The feminists you are calling lesbians, you call them that because some of the reasonable ones are fighting against oppression or what is your reason...
*No where does the Bible command women to adopt a man's name after marriage. It is a western practice that has been adopted in some parts of the world. Please correct me if I am wrong about the name part but the Bible doesn't state that anywhere.

carujmonella: This is bizarre and absurd coming from one that consistently twist any posts to suit her lies and in so doing keep repeating her lies that can NEVER debunk any sensible reasons. I won't be caught dead begging you to wake up from your slumber, keep wallowing away in your deceptions and fantasies. Would have told you to debunk mine, but you will keep on repeating the redundant jargons that bores me. And oh by the way, I have debunked all your fallacies, you're just too biased to accept the truth, that it's a man's world, cry a lagoon, it WILL NEVER CHANGE that fact. Even in the next century, MEN will keep ruling and leading, there's nothing your rants can do about it.

Ok Sir/Ma'am, it is a man's world...what next?
Is it too hard to accept that women are up to par. The only Being(if I can use that word) more superior to a human being is God. You are superior to plants, animals but not your fellow human being. Just because you lead a home, does not make you more superior. This is why we have the issues we have with abuse and discrimination in our society, the west is not exempt from this thought by the way...it is just that the laws are put in place to protect people of all genders from those who think they are superior and can use their "superiority" to maltreat others. Be comfortable in your masculinity, no one can challenge who you are! I must tell you though, a true man is one that knows his place as a leader and allows those he is privileged to lead to also succeed. Don't be threatened by the way things are going, or else you will end up bitter and missing out on some great partners.

De Beauvoir: @Jumbotron, the reason why men still dominate in the west is as a result of years of gender discrimination that have been meted out against women, it isn't because men are superior to women; all genders are equal. Read this my post to learn more of such discrimination; https://www.nairaland.com/1469493/patriarchy-male-privilege/1#18751076

Hi De Beauvoir, I think someone was responding to my post. The first @Jumbotron you see is a reply and not my posting. My one post is above and says nothing about men being superior. I do not ever subscribe to any gender, race or tribe being more superior to another. I suspect it was from Carujmonella.

I have found that you can not have these discussions in a room with SOME African men. I look forward to when we all can talk about this without y'all asking questions like "If women are so XYZ, why are they not in the BH sect"? Or coming back with retorts like "Its a Man's World".

Sisters, keep doing it for yourselves. Work hard, keep taking care of your families. Women do not blow their trumpets about their hustles, they just...hustle. If you are blessed to have reasonable brothers, enlighten them on how to treat women. Shout out to the men in my family!! When you raise boys, teach them to be self sufficient as well. Our mothers are at fault for some of these comments. If you are married, the man is the head of the household but he is not the slave master. Get your education and be about something. Better yet, marry a man who will train his sons and daughters to be self sufficient as well. Meet men who are comfortable in their masculinity and their place as a man to allow a woman climb the ladder and assert herself. Too many of these comments reek of bruised egos.

Guys, no one can take away the fact that you are a man. Stop making it seem like we are challenging your masculinity. We get it, there is no competition. Just learn to share. Times have changed. The quicker you get hip to this, the better for you.

@adeaugustus...bless you and your pointers! America is what you make of it people!!

I look forward to my dear Nigeria being the same way. Are things unfair sometimes in the US, yes...but by God, there are opportunities. There are ghettos as shown in the original post and civilized order of things as shown in some other posts. Sure, Leaders are corrupt everywhere but you can make demands if your basic rights are not given to you (especially when you pay for them, I'm talking electricity, H20, facilities on your school campus).

As a black person, you can work hard and make something of yourself. If you do relocate, do not associate with crabs in a barrel type personalities. Don't sit with the layabouts that stay in the African food store staring at girls bottoms and gossiping about each others family lives. If you spend your time in the drama of the Naija community, you will not move forward. Associate yourself with people moving forward. For Christ sake, humble yourselves. We enter Yankee, Jand, anywhere with a skewed mentality. It works for us sometimes because we are not easily bullied or taken for a ride but then other times it works to our disadvantage. Just because you can, do not get credit and buy a car that is beyond you or a house that will put you in foreclosure. 50-11 credit cards for no reason...that is just silly. Live almost below your means.

Always be home minded, when you come across certain developments, think about how you can take some ideas and implement at home. That way you are not only doing your bit, but you will possibly make some money out of it. Yankee is not for the lazy man, there is no "do you know who I am/was", and short cuts always end up really bad. Some people get by with connections, most get by with hardwork and merit. You do get to a stage where your references speak for you. But it is because, you earned their recommendations through some kind of hardwork.

The only naija mentality you should keep is the one where we as Nigerians are not slackers. We get a good education or we work really hard to make it here. I know people that think we are bums but the majority I run into make me feel proud to be a Nigerian. They say man, I met Emmy (Emeka) or Bola or Zee (Zainab) and he/she is sharp, one of the best students in our graduating class. Or, I used to work with this Nigerian dude, man he was the best programmer I ever met. You also hear bad stuff but that's an every nationality thing. African American women love our men because of that home bred training they have and they do not (you do have bad eggs) abandon their families. Our women are not typically drama-personified (yes, you do have bad eggs)...we are not packing kids everywhere, we are packing degrees and accomplishments.

Throw your misconceptions, high expectations, decision to be swagged out and slay people via instagram and twitter with pics of you living it up in the trash before you reach the Customs Officer at the Port of Entry. You are leaving Naija for a purpose right? Come and work hard and you will reap the fruits...it is that simple. O and do not forget where you are coming from, cause at the end of the day that is your original home.

"Overseas" is what you make it!!

Forgive the long rant and errors. Just another PoV.

@iamlegend

Good advice!