₦airaland Forum

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Front page material. This post will help many avoid marital crashes.

I've often seen netizens post and heard people in conversations declare "Love is not enough" in preserving romantic/marital relationships. They cite financial, professional, and familial factors as inclusive. This view seems a no brainer, a truth worth embracing. I admit temptation to follow this trail previously but reevaluation exposes how mistaken a belief this is. This error shapes failures rampant before and after marriage today in Nigeria. Love is enough, I will make this crystal.

"Love is not enough" stems from misinterpretation of love itself. Love in romantic circles is loaded with feelings relating to deep affection, desire, infatuation, or pleasure. Whereas most gentlemen describe love-interests swirl their heads nonstop, most ladies describe butterflies lurking in their stomachs. Certain of love they are. But love transcends these emotions which are biochemical responses to environmental stimuli. Reality of these feelings varnishing when stimulators (certain actions of him/her) are absent underscore love as worth more in meaning. Love is a decision, requiring more of reason and less of emotions to be. It is an intentional step to be with a person (for a lifetime in this context), pledging commitment and loyalty, having been convinced of similarity in visions and actions.

Thus, "Love at first sight" is an illusion; self-deception. Many people mistake attraction for love, that explains their heartbreaks and marital struggles. Attraction triggers curiosity which births love; you can be attracted without being in love. True love is preceded by a deep-level understanding of him/her. It provides insight on their vision, values, priorities, strengths, and weaknesses; an attempt to appreciate for who, not what, he/she is. Your reason is most helpful here. After comprehension, then decision to love follows or not. This is a sustainable interpretation of love, not one largely built on fleeting feelings. It keeps you loyal amidst storms. Love is enough when you love right.


©Kelechi O. Naze

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Maisiba:
It happens long before the marriage is over. Technically, it happens before during, and after the marriage.

Before marriage is the most crucial; during marriage are symptoms of negligence on either the husband or wife's part.

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Front page material.

The above could make you wonder whether you read right. Indeed, you did. In this era of divorce cases upsurge, this discussion couldn't be timelier and attempts to unravel its root. As unprecedented as the question is, it draws attention to the unpopular viewpoint that divorce is facilitated before rather than during marriage as many people think. I argue so for a sole reason.


Divorce reflects a couple's inadequate preparation before marriage. It is worrisome preparation today has been reduced to secondary matters like outfits, halls, food, drinks, decoration, guests, family connections, and pictures. Primary matters of self-awareness, mutual desire, redefinition of love as a decision, visions compatibility, home vision-setting, values selection, envisaging best and worst (what if conception is delayed for long?) marital scenarios somewhat and suitable reactions, careers reconciliation, family financial priorities, managing in-laws, preferred pattern of raising children, ways of preventing and resisting extramarital affairs, love languages, and conflict management are neglected. This is core preparation, ask right questions! Seek objective analyses through self-discipline, overlook monetary/physical incentives, for your future's sake. Some couples may claim to have discussed them but investigation often reveals no depth. Most divorces are traceable to either shallow considerations or resolution misapplications. Needless to mention Basketmouth-Elsie Okpocha and Yul-May Edochie cases. Failing to prepare before marriage is preparing to divorce after marriage.


But someone may disagree and contend my position is rife with assumptions, because there are cases that some couples went with the flow, yielded to parental/peer preferences and personal whims, and remained together to date after several decades. Thus, the perspective above is redundant and an effort to complicate marriage. I respond thus: How truly harmonious is that couple outside cameras of your eyes? It is possible that husband and wife struggle through each year with disloyalty and silent rancour for their marriage to survive.


Hence, marrying based on assumptions, not thorough consensual resolutions, is a recipe for becoming a divorcee on paper or miserable spouse imagining divorce daily. Also, my view overcomes intervention of chance in avoiding divorce by ensuring purposefulness before and during marriage. Prevent "Irreconcilable differences" later by preparing now to the letter!


©Kelechi O. Naze (KON)

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Doing what is right can make you and mobilize efforts to break you. Often, we are flooded with instructions at home, school, Church, mosque, work, or social media on how our behaviours ought to be. These sermons come clothed in vehemence. But they lose this fervor, most times, in practice. Gap between verbalization and execution persists, appearing intractable. If this has ever puzzled you, know you're not alone. Why so this trend?

My observations answer preaching what is right is popular whereas doing what is right tends to be unpopular. The former involves written or spoken words which specify a status-quo. Intensity of compliance here isn't as acute as the latter which compels people and circumstances to conform to status--quo. Consequent discipline triggers resistance from many people, vilifying enforcers and adherents. This can discourage faithfuls, having them succumb to pressure and carpet-cross to antagonists' side. It is the easy way out of isolation by others. But is it the best move?

A positive answer could argue persevering in the face of antagonism is futile. The discomfort is needless. Why endure when others evade standards and enjoy? Life is short. Our natural inclination to pleasure and disinclination to pain support. This position is contradictory. Those here toy with pillars preserving their edifice, and expect to benefit and remain safe within lastingly. This viewpoint is delusional and unsustainable, reflecting absence of solid personality pillars and readiness to be tossed about by any blowing wind.

Alternatively, a negative answer points us to those, usually few, who stand unwaveringly. They say and do what is right, trying to uphold propriety. Their strictness is interpreted as wickedness. I reason what makes them formidable is congruence of their personal values with foundational values of their organization. It personalizes persistence before sabotage, hate or injustice. Borrow a leaf! Doing right amidst reward of wrong sometimes is a bitter pill that you, committed to rightness, must learn to swallow.


©Kelechi O. Naze (KON)

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