₦airaland Forum

kreami diva: @LaShawn, are you sure you did not date my ex

Hmmm! God is wonderful o. This guy and my ex na the same o. My own na story for another day.

I've read that abusive men all act in a similar way, like they were schooled in the same institution.

You need to tell your parents, she tells me. What he did is wrong, very wrong.

I got back to the hostel and called my mum. I started off with the sentence that I couldn't continue with Derin any longer.
Mum didn't wait for me to finish. I didn't even start sef.

Mum: Issues always come up in relationships, my daughter. There's no perfect man out there. You shouldn't act rashly out of anger, you know?

Me: But...

Mum: I'll call you later, Lashawn. We'll have a long talk, o? my daughter.

Me: *resignedly
OK, mum.

At that moment, I felt dejected. I felt like I had just been abandoned at the mercy of this heartless man because believe it or not, I needed my parents validation for what I wanted to do which was to walk away.

Minutes later, she called me back. I was thankful.
What happened? What did you say Derin did, mum asked.

I didn't even talk of all the insults prior to that. I just touched on how he'd called someone and lied on me.

I could sense and hear the anger in my mum and I felt hope come alive. For some reason, I begged her not to tell my dad who was away on a journey.

I won't, she assured me. I'll call you later.

Now that I had my folks support, I switched off my phone as Derin was bombarding me with calls and texts. He had turned from accusatory to pleading. Slyly dodging the gravity of what he'd done with an ambiguous 'Mo mo pe mo ti she e. Jo da ri ji mi'.

Later that night, I walked to an eatery and from what had become habit, I was panicky because I was doing what had been forbidden for months-go out.
The evening breeze seemed alien, I was used to my little room in the hostel. I forced myself to order food and I changed my sim to a new one I'd bought to make night calls with my bestie. I'd also called my family with it a few times (buying that sim was one of the few times I rebelled and it was done to help me keep the few friends he hadn't drove away). He called my phone most nights and heaven help me if my sim was 'busy' or 'call waiting'. I got the sim so I and my bestie could share our relationship wahala. It kept me sane.

Hmn. I always say to myself, if I didn't go cray that day, NOTHING would make me.

Because I felt my head swell with the unfairness of it all.

I had been called a pretender, a liar, a chameleon, an id.iot, told I was stu.pid and all sorts by this same man in private. I had taken all that. Now he'd upped the game and I was no longer ready to be the recipient.

I told him if he thought I would ever stay with him after what he said about me, then he should think again. At first, he denied. He told me the fact I believed Lawrence over him showed him I had something to do with Lawrence.

I traced my friend's house for the very first time (dividend of my new found freedom) and relayed how Derin had tried to set me up. I never told her everything sha. But I told her it was over.

Me: Lawrence, please tell me what that guy told you. Word for word. Please. I beg you!

Him: No, Lashawn. There is no need for all that. Just let him know who you are. I think it's just trust issues that could be resolved.

Me: Please. I really need to know, please.

Him: *reluctantly
Ok. If you insist. He said a lot that I can't bring myself to repeat.

Me: To you?

Him: Nah. About you. Please, whatever I say, bear in mind that I have the utmost respect for you. I know you, Lashawn. I know the type of girl you are and it pains me that it is a good girl like you that has fallen into the hands of such a man. When people like me would do anything to have you look our way.
Well, since you insist, I'll talk. And I think you deserve to know this anyway. That day, when he called me, I thought you caused me the embarassment by trying to call me with his phone. But the fact that he went to your phone to get my number shows that this is something else.
Well, the only thing I'd tell you is he told me to keep away from you, that you are a pr.osti.tute.

@Cathaliya. I'm saying it as it happened. And I think you should pull your sister back before she gets in too deep.

So I called Lawrence. After pleasantries and all the long time no see talk...
Me: Sorry to disturb you, Lawrence. There's this issue about a call some days ago. Someone called you?
Him: Yeah, I've been waiting for your call. I was at work, when I saw some missed calls. I tried to call back once, and the person didn't pick. The person then called me back and asked where I was, what I did for a living and so on. After all the questioning which I saw was of no essence, I told him how about we call it a day and he started pouring insults on me, telling me to give the phone to you. That he knew you were with me. Who is that man, Lashawn?

Me: *in a small voice
He is my boyfriend.

Him: Well, you guys should settle things. The guy is probably crazy about you.

We hangup.
But something keeps telling me to call Lawrence again. To ask for the EXACT things Derin had said.

And that was what I did.

Back then, I didn't care that Derin had resorted to cheap, manipulative blackmail in his quest for total control over me. I just wanted to kiss and makeup.

But the more I denied any hanky-panky with Lawrence, the more he insisted that Lawrence called him to tell him I was with him and had just left. But how could I agree to that and by implication agree to cheating on him with Lawrence.

Anyway, Derin told me to call Lawrence, that Lawrence will tell me what transpired. I felt ashamed. What was I going to say to Lawrence when I knew it was my man at fault? How was I going to broach the issue?
But! The issue had to be resolved and to be resolved, things had to be done Derin's way (who by this time had called to ask me if I'd called Lawrance).

Till today, I still don't know why Derin insisted on me calling Lawrence. But I have to go with the plausible option that he had perverse and sadistic joy in me knowing he detested me so much. Oh yes! I knew as much after the call.

Thanks at everybody. I really appreciate your time, advice and care. This is the one time I'll talk about alot of what happened. Notice I said alot, not all. It's not a habit.
My eyes saw o. There was a day I didn't have any choice but to curse the day I met him. I really wanted to keep the texts and some of the calls I recorded. I would have pasted them here. Because I read that in order to heal, the mind suppresses painful memories and that it helps to keep proof of the abuse so that one will always see things the way they were, and not be tempted to go back.

The calls were three that I was able to get and even I couldnt listen to them. They were just there in my phone and laptop.

My plan was to have them as proof the day I walk, because nobody in my family had seen that side of him. I knew there going to be aunties who would chastise for letting an 'eligible bachelor' slide through my fingers.
I had to delete them because of eyes that love prying into others privacy.

I told him I was not cheating.
He then called the name of the guy he claimed called him. A certain 'LAWRANCE'. I told him I didnt know any lawrance and at this point, I was getting angry.
He told me he'd send me the name of the guy and the number to prove to me. I told him I'd delete the text without looking at it. I was getting tired.

The call ended and a text came in. It had the name LAWRENCE and a number with it.

Curiouser, curiouser! What was going on? For I had a former schoolmate called Lawrence. A quick dial of the number that accompanied the name showed it was one and the same Lawrence I knew from way back.

But! I had not seen Lawrence since 06 (it was 2010 at this time, making it four years). In those four years, I'd not spoken to Lawrence up to five times. But one thing Lawrence did was never to forget my yearly birthday text.

How then could Derin claim that 'Lawrance' called him? Lawrence, a soft-spoken guy who had almost become a Reverend Father? A guy whom I had nothing romantic with?

At this point, I realised the game Derin was playing. He'd seen Lawrence's birthday text to me on my phone and therefore wanted to alienate him from me.
But did he have to resort to all this, even telling me I was exposing him to danger by my ways?

Anyways, as I said earlier I dropped the phone on him. I felt hopelessness wash all over me as I walked back to the hostel.
I was still thinking about the issue late that evening when an idea came to me. He'd had an issue with a female colleague of his a few weeks back. Could it be her boyfriend calling Derin to warn him off?
That had to be the only explanation because I knew I wasn't cheating on him. (Lets assume I even wanted to, he monitored me like a hawk. He called randomly and the phone MUST be picked. He called in the middle of the night 'just to say hello'. Even those midnight calls had 'where are you?' embedded in them. It's not rocket science where I'm supposed to be by midnight, is it?
Network MUST be flawless at all times. Whenever he spoke with me, he listened intently to background noises and heaven help me if
he picked up sounds that showed I wasn't in the hostel. Heaven help me if at that moment, a gaggle of guys pass by, talking loudly. Yes, because I had to explain who they were and my explanations were never good enough).

So I called him and haltingly told him what I thought.

HIM: Are you calling me a fool? Are you telling me that I don't know what I'm saying when I say one of your numerous boyfriends called me? And told me you were with him?

@babyosisi
That was funny.

@efe
Hmmmn.
I can't quantify my feelings toward the issue. It's always been a mix of several. I've felt anger, anguish, pity for him, self-pity, hate towards him, disgust for allowing myself be so treated, etcetera.
And I don't think I want to talk to him. I did that for a while after we broke up, and he used that to show yet another side of him.
Thereafter, I told myself I would never talk to him again and from that day till today, I haven't.
When people say one shouldn't burn bridges for future's sake, I say God is not a wicked God that He will place my help in the hands of such a man.

@all.

Thank you. I can identify with swagqueen too about the family thing. When I was visiting him in Benin was the first time he talked about his Dad and what he told me was that he didn't want to turn out like his Dad. I didn't press him to find out what his Dad did But I think his late Dad might have been abusive.

I Never saw a single pic of the man. Not a frame in the house, not an album copy. It was as if they wanted to erase all signs of the man's existence.

temi4fash: Is dat how much u love the guy..

is he not replaceable ni?

It's not about the guy. But memories of everything came back in full force and weighed Me down.

ileobatojo: All I can say is wow. It must make you weary just thinking about it.

Everyday, I have to make a conscious decision not to think about it. If I get carried away, I sit with my chin in my palm.

When he started trying to contact me again few months ago after many months of silence, I withdrew into my shell so much that My boss had to talk to me. Another shouted at me that why should a young girl as myself sit like an old woman, staring into space.

They all thought I was having issues with my parents. I had to force myself to come out and be loud and happy.

ileobatojo: Lashawn, thank God for your life that you escaped. Stay strong dear, and never look back. This guy is the classic, textbook abuser. He's not changing anytime soon.

I know he's an abuser. I've read enough articles to last me a lifetime.

What my mind can't easily accept is the fact that every book I've read tells me he will Never change.

I pray God helps me accept the cold hard fact.

I know I've been rambling all day. Just want to finish with this Because It's not all the time I feel like talking about it.

After the wedding, I went home with my brother who schooled same place with me. A few days Later, my ex came visiting. By this time, the whole family liked him and he kept an always smiling face for them. He was at his best behavior.
My Dad who had always responded coldly to him finally warmed up.

After he left my place, we comtinued communicating on phone. He would send me airtime and encourage me to call my friends.
He was always in a good mood. He just seemed changed. I told myself that Maybe the man I'd fallen in love with was back. Everything was going on so well. Little did I know that the good behavior was for the benefit of my family. The same day I went back to school, he called me and from the tone of his voice, my heart just started beating. I knew the past two weeks had been a charade.

The next day, I went for my classes. After class, I went to say hello to my guardian, a lecturer.

As I left, the phone started ringing.

Me: Hello, Derin.
Him: Why has your phone been off.
Me: It wasn't off. I was in class, it was on silent.
Him: Liar. I've been trying to call you all day. I wonder why You're such a liar. Your boyfriend that you travelled down to see called me to tell me you were with him. I knew you Weren't going to school.


Me: What do you mean.

Him: Look here. Don't expose me with your waka-about. You know I have been warning you. I will send you the name of the person.

Me: I am not in the mood for this.

Him: If you cut the call, this relationship is over.

*I cut the call

Thanks for all your comments. He is a man in his 30s. It is the simple things I wrote here. And God must truly love me to help me walk away the time I did.

The final straw was:
Late 2010, I decided to pay him a visit after he asked me to. Early that morning, I was already on the road from three north to Benin where he was staying. The journey took more than 10 hours. Eventually, I got there and he picked me up. He had just relocated and was in his own flat, and had started furnishing. After showing me around the house, we ended up in the kitchen where he brought out tomato paste from the freezer. It's your house, he told me. Rustle up something.

Without any rest, I was soon frying and whatnot. After cooking, I served him and then after he'd eaten he wanted to get intimate, which I refused. He started screaming and complaining. But that was the one thing I wouldn't budge on.
Tomorrow, get your bag and leave. After all, there are many girls out there ready and willing to do this.

I didn't wait till the morrow. I went to get my bag and made to leave.
It was night.

So You're leaving? He asked. Why not just accept that you came to see another man in Benin and not me.

He eventually apologized and asked me that if we were married and we had issues, is that How I would abandon my home? Throughout the next day, he called me constantly from work. Asking if I was OK and apologizing for his behavior the previous day.

I eventually stayed a few days and while I enjoyed his company, I was Sleep deprived Because every night and day was the same issue - sex. The only time I got reprieve was when he was at work. Then I could snatch a few hours of sleep. Its not like I didnt have desires. But I knew something was Seriously wrong with this relationship even though I didn't have a name for it. And I knew the only way to avoid falling into this deep abyss was to avoid sex with him. If he deflowered me, I knew there would be No turning back.

I was to leave on a Thursday for my friends house in the north, her traditional wedding was on a Friday and I was a bridesmaid.
He persuaded me that I should leave on Friday morning, and that I would still meet up with the trad in the evening. Well, that friday morning, was the day I almost lost it all and gained it all. Don't know what happened But my self control vanished and I almost slept with him but his thing didn't rise up to the occasion, and I have God to Thank for that.

Maybe I would have ended up pregnant, effectively tying me to him.

Anyway, Since I couldn't miss the wedding, I had to leave Benin for the north that thursday morning.

But during the course of my stay, something happened. he'd one day asked to use my phone and I obliged. It was code locked Because I'd one day forgotten the phone in the hostel and a friend had gone through my text messages.


That day after I unlocked my phone and gave my ex, I saw him going through my text messages but I didn't mind. What I didn't know is that he'd picked up the number of a friend who sent me a text message. I'll put up that text message here so people could read and judge.

Anyways. Will be back if I still feel like talking.

These are the messages that same guy sent to my friend last week. I'll copy and paste. In case you are wondering, the 'She' and 'her' in thr message refer to me. I've avoided him since we broke up almost three years now and he is still on my neck. That was How he always would beg after every episode when I was still with him. READ BELOW.

Life... She's really ♍γ̲̣̣̥ friend
I sincerely miss her so much
Wunmi... Talk τ̅☺ her ... Please at least tell her τ̅☺ allow M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣ call her.. Please let M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣ just talk τ̅☺ her
*asking because have not been able τ̅☺ settle down because of the LOVE I have for Her

I didn't know anything about abusive relationships. I grew up in a house where my parents were childhood sweethearts who'd married young. I still remember my Dad cornering my towel clad mum into a room when I was young, Because I knocked and knocked and didn't get any answer. They were and are still very much in love. I am an only daughter so I am cherished and I was protected.

I did not knowingly get in an abusive relationship. I laugh if you think the relationship started off that way.

When I met him, I'd just broken off with my first boyfriend. And he came into my life like a Knight in shiny armour. The relationship got serious very fast too. Within days, I met the mum. And he was hankering to meet my folks too. I thought I'd finally met someone who was crazy about me.

The abuse started in bits. And every single episode got worse. The more I forgave, the more it became.

And don't forget those that will tell you that you are a woman and you can change him.

I hid all that was happening. I would come off the phone after having to listen silently to insults, and my friends would ask: is that Derin? He has called you thrice Since I got here. He's so caring.

Nights before exams for the program I was undergoing, he had me up all night not reading, but talking over fights he knowingly caused days before. I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally.

Before I knew it, I was so thin that people started whispering and looking at me knowingly. You know the deal when you go from being curvy to extremely thin. Everybody complained and I tried to eat to hide the physical manifestation of what I was going through But the more I ate, the thinner I became. I ate and ate. But my cloths were beginning to hang like it does on a hanger. What is wrong with you? Don't you have food to eat in school, my brother asked once.

My boyfriend was asking me what is wrong with you, my roommate told me.

You're emaciating, yet a third person told me.

I couldn't go out without being accused of going to see another man. To avoid that, I stopped going out and I wasn't even outgoing to begin with. My routine was class-hostel, hostel-class. He called one day I was walking to the hostel after lectures. How long does it take to get to the hostel, he complained.

To see my brother who was an undergraduate was trouble. What do you mean that you want to see G at this time of the night, he told one day by past six in the evening.

Till today, I still don't know How he came to have so much power over me.
What eventually made me walk out was...

For me, I was well loved by my parents. It was my peers that made me have low self esteem Because I was a short, fat little girl with big cheeks and they teased me a lot about that.

To the people who said what do you do to make this people abuse you, I laugh.

The guy I was dating, I was in a long distance relationship with him. One afternoon, While I was visiting my aunt, I told him my aunt had promised to treat me, her daughters and sisters that night to Nkwobi. He gave a disinterested 'ehen'. That night he called me.

He: Where are you?
Me: I told you my aunt was taking us out. We are there.
He: Who are the people there?

Me: My aunt, my cousins, a family friend and her fiance.

Him: Can you leave that place for a place more private?
Me: Ok

I leave the table.

Him: *shouting

So who did your aunt attach with you?

Me: How do you mean?

Him: You chameleon. Liar. Get out!

He drops the call.

I walk to the table and the others stare at me questioningly But I try to compose myself. He calls back.

Him: What is the name of that place?

Me; I don't know. Aunt was the one that took us here.

Him: *shouting.
What do you mean you don't know. I know all your tricks, you pretender. So you are there, drinking beer? You are a....


That was How he called me over and over till I had to switch off the phone. I toldmyself it was over between us.

Over the next three days, I was bombarded with calls and texts. I'm begging you with your mum and Dad, he begged. Please, don't leave me. I can't control myself when it comes to you Because I love you so much. Please forgive me. So I forgave.

At a point, all I had to do was to breathe to get insults.


On another day, I called him on a night call as we'd planned.
Me: Hello, Derin.
Him: What's that making noise?
Me: I have two fans on.

Him: Get rid of that noise and call me back. He drops.

I stand up to switch off the fan that creaks. I leave the other one. Then I call back.

Him:*shouting.
I told you to get rid of that noise. Don't you have home training? Don't you....

I drop the call.


My people, at a point my heart starts pounding when he calls me. I was that scared and intimidated.

I used to watch abuse in movies and read them in novels. Until it happened to me.

I was the proverbial good girl who Never gave her parents grief. They loved me so much and I Never wanted to disappoint them. Cleared JAMB, cleared Alevels. Got admission straight into 200 level and eventually finished second in class without stressing myself much.

As a teenager, I had a married woman friend in my class. I was spoke Stoic and mature for my age.

I finished with No boyfriend Because my plans were to get married as a virgin. I would get a serious boyfriend when It's time to marry, I reasoned.

Don't get me wrong, I was courted by different guys. But I had my policy and I stuck with it. I graduated.


Shortly before Youth service corp, an aunt came visiting. She didn't mince words in telling me that I had to 'grab ' a man during service. She made it seem so out of place that I had finished Uni without a boyfriend. I decided to here one. That was the beginning of my wrong choices.
Fast forward to when I met my abusive ex.

Thank you all for taking the time out to advise me.
Being with him was the worst experience in my life and you can read it from my thread "Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships". Even that was not all. I left out so many things, so many horrible happenings.

At first, I kept his insultive texts and recorded some of his voice calls so that I could always go back and read and remember to Never go back to him for any Reason But I had to delete them. As we know, people don't respect others privacy and I was too ashamed of anybody knowing the extent of my shame.

Thank you all. I really appreciate....

Thanks to everybody.

For me, I wouldn't say desperation is there. If anything, It's these guys that have been chasing me up and down.

If I was desperate, I would have pretended to be churchy just to marry the first guy after my ex, Because he was someone I knew for years and I knew just what he wanted. I wouldn't have been keen to know his genotype, I would have gone along with faith just as he suggested.

I would have Been married to the abuser even before that. He's mum loved me to bits and at that time, inspite of it all, he still wanted us to get married.

The guy that doesn't want a working wife also wanted things to have moved better than it it doing now. I am the one who has stopped talking to him, as much as he wants to get closer. Because I know I can't live without a job. I am not the business type.
I am not desperate to be married. I dont hound these guys, or live in their shadow. I just moved far from home, and most people at work think its because i had a relationship here. However, all my former toasters are now hours away.
If anything, I am just doing the whole relationship stuff Because I want to make my parents happy.
I Never dated throughout university. Because the plan wasn't to get married immediately after stepping out, marriage has Never freaked me like it did my mates.
I know I am quiet and an introvert. I respect people. I am conservative. However, underneath it I know I have the tenacity to do whatever I want to be do. I believe in decency But I surprise people sometimes.
If There's anything, self esteem is what I struggle with. I was a fat kid and was taunted that others. Somehow along the line, my weight leveled. I get praises for my flat tummy, my hips and back. Ive gotten compliments from virtual strangers. But I don't always feel so confident.

^^
Thank you. It's not really the thought of going back Because the others were unfavourable.

Nah!

It's just that I was wondering if he truly had learned that certain behaviors are unacceptable and if he was truly changed as he claimed.
I myself know I can't live with his abuse if things are still the way they were.

The ladies of NTA always have this quiet elegance and dignity....

Thank you all. I understand what You're saying.

I'm just beginning to wonder if there is actually that Nirvana in a Nigerian relationship. I've also tried dating But the guy that I dated after my abusive ex said I wasn't religious enough for him. All Because I insisted he check his genotype Since I'm AS. HE said we should believe that he is of the AA genotype. I insisted and after months of arguing, he broke up with me, saying he needs a woman of faith as a partner as he will someday be a pastor.
P.S. He also got angry that I went to get vaccinated for hepatitis, saying I was always digging for medical issues and he is someone who doesn't believe in hospitals Or doctors.


Another came along, and during discussions, I asked about his culture. All he could tell me about his culture was 'women are not allowed to do this, women are not allowed to do that'.
What broke the camels back was when he told me that I would have to leave my job sooner or later. That he wanted a woman doing a small-scale business. I took offence Because nobody was ever there for me financially, except my parents, and to be honest, I didn't think he was in the position to tell me what not to do, especially as my longsuffering parents were over the moon about my job and I saw it as an opportunity to help out with some expense, both myself and siblings. And of course, it doesnt hurt to buy stuff and pay with my own money, without having to scrimp or ask my parents. I get it that my job gets crayzie, But it pays the bills. So that crossed out this guy as an option.

I'm beginning to view relationships as all having a measure of evil. And to get in a relationship, It's a case of choosing the lesser evil.

Part of me is torn to hear what or even wise to allow him dial me?

I have been in an abusive relationship and I wouldn't advice anybody to try and manage an abusive man. I did and I paid for it with my mind, health, sanity, money and confidence.

You don't know what it means to see the phone ringing, your boyfriend is at the other end and your heart jumps in fear.

You don't know what it means to be called !diot, slot, chameleon and stup!d by the one who promised to love and cherish you.

You don't know what it means to be rubbished, humiliated and shamed.

You don't know what it means to be stopped from having friends.

You can't go for a stroll without being viewed with suspicion of cheating.

I can go on and on.

Thank God I am out.

^^
Thanks, bros!