₦airaland Forum

Keep good hygiene at this time and no sex.

Olamidegal:
I am one year and three month old in marriage , my husband elder sister has her shop in front of our house , somehow the land belongs to there late mother who gave it to them .
The problem is my sister inlaw is very intrusive, always trying to have a say in the marriage , one time I have resisted her interference, she reported me to their father who came to the house to warn me that the elder sister is there to be leading both me and my husband in the marriage as an experience woman who is ten years old in marriage , I find this annoying but I just had to keep quiet .her workers do come into my house to pick anything from my kitchen or the room and use it carelessly . One time I got back home and I saw one of the wrapper I use in backing my baby tied arround the waist of one of her workers and I wasn't so cool with it , I told her to wash it and return it for me that I do not joke with that wrapper , she refuses , the next day I saw the wrapper on the floor very dirty and I was very angry I told her to go wash it and return it , she told me she can't cos she's not the only one that uses it and that it's my sister in law that brought it out, I told the girl that she should never enter my house to pick anything again when my sister in law arrived she started blackmailing me with so u cannot leave ordinary wrapper , if you say she shouldn't enter the house that means u pursued me and all..I had to stand my ground it's not just about the wrapper anymore , it's the fact that the girl was rude to me I am 10 years older than this girl and that I insist that she shouldn't enter my house again, she said stuffs like i am rude to her as well so I shouldn't bother about the girl being rude and left . Now she started acting up , but I make sure I greet her everyday and move on , I no longer sit with her or discuss with her sometimes she doesn't answer and sometimes she answer somehow , this girl of hers never greeted me again after that day .
Now the challenge is she had gone to report me to the father as usual , the father calls my husband and I don't know what they discuss but he has stopped talking to me in the house , he's always supporting his family anyway and his father has stopped calling me as well all of the calls themselves from time to time discussing me most times my husband run outside to answer there calls ..was I wrong in my approach, what could I have done better it looks like I am living among people that hate me they all stay close

How is it going now?
Send me an email where I can talk to you.

Hello all.

Good afternoon. Please what does this mean for the UKVI appointment?

Evidence that your sponsor is not, or will not be, in breach of UK immigration
laws at the time of your visit

I will appreciate your responses please.

You have not done wrong because every relationship should have boundaries. I for one do not like my stuff being rifled through by anybody. I hate it.
They have ganged up against you as per the outsider. Use your tongue to count your teeth and know that you cannot be borning anyhow in such a 'marriage'.
The SIL worker also does not respect you / your boundaries because of your gossip which she has heard from your SIL, and she has also observed that you are not valued. So she has joined the hate-train.
Keep empowering yourself.

Good evening all. Please am I allowed to fill the visa application for my mum? Does she need to give me a written permission? Because I learnt there is a declaration now asking if it is the owner filling the form for themselves or if there is someone else filling it for them.
I am just apprehensive because if I fill it, it will be faster as my mum is not too computer savvy, but with help, she will fill it by herself (she can type well).

Hellllloooooo!

Please help me guys!

Segun889:
You're welcome. attach your tenancy agreement. you can attach your payslip or bank statement. PS: although it's good if you submit your payslip or bank statement, it wouldn't necessarily be a cause for rejection. Make sure she also submits are regular bank statement to evidence she can afford her flight ticket.

My dad stated in his financial consent letter that he would be the one to pay for her flight ticket and her pocket money. That is why I wanted to know how much she could put down as her spending money out of the statement containing 3m.

For me, I don't have a regular job because my professional course leaves me with little time to work due to placements and I have childcare too. I managed to do some hours earlier in the year, but that's about it. Though I have a mutual funds account in Nigeria, can I present that?

In view of the information, like what percentage of the statement can she present as her spending money?


Thanks as I await your kind response.

Segun889:
your own status in the country can be a huge determinant for how much you need to input. if she doesn't need to pay for accommodation and her feeding, an amount sufficient to cover her flight expense as well as a small extra cash (eg £250 or more) would suffice. however the case would be different if she will be responsible for own a feeding/accommodation etc. Hope this helps. cheers

Thank you so much.
Yes, feeding and accommodation would be on me. Do I need to attach my own statement for that? (I would attach my tenancy).

LaShawn:
Hello everyone.

I am a student in the UK, I am applying for my mum to visit for a month. My dad is the one sponsoring her trip, like how much should be the cost of travel in the application?

She is retired...

Can someone please help me on the amount she intends to spend on her trip? Her sponsor statement bal is about 3m

Hello everyone.

I am a student in the UK, I am applying for my mum to visit for a month. My dad is the one sponsoring her trip, like how much should be the cost of travel in the application?

She is retired...

Can someone please answer me on the amount that she expects to spend on her trip? Her sponsor has a bal of 3m...

Nigerians and their entitlement mentality....

Thanks to everyone who understood with me.
At this juncture, I can only hope and pray that things get better when the baby comes. But now, I make sure I only hold 2k with me at a time, or even less. The days of keeping thousands in the house are long gone.

And he just told me now that even his mum was mad at him upon learning he'd been sending money to one of his relations. That he has misplaced priorities and his wife should have started looking at him with side eyes by now.

With that I rest my case o. At least that shows I haven't been overreacting....

Loooool!!

Guitarlife:
@Op dont mind all these people castigating you. I understand what you are faving.

Your husband is the kind of person who will rather he go hungry and suffer with his family in silence as long as outsiders keep praising him.

I feel its a form of inferiority complex though quite strong cos he sees himself from how others assess him.

Its a very tight situation as humans especially africans are greedy too so when they realise this they will milk him.

What you can do is to draw a line.

Let him know due to his lavish lifestyle you have decided to commence an esusu somewhere so open another account without atm but probably internet banking and start saving.

Ur husband will not change. I know his type.

My husband is brash and confident. So I dont understand how he counts on people to feel better about himself.
Well, I can't let him know about any saving. I'm sorry but no, not going to happen.
Until he shows I can trust him regarding our finance by beginning to be more forthcoming about what is going where and for what reason...

I do hope for our sake he changes.

Chubhie:
Your husband seems a nice guy who can't say NO to people....let him understand he can't be Jesus to everybody.

You will need to help your man learn a few things without making it sound as if you are selfish or making him feel a bad person. He will respond to you more in a non confrontational and atmosphere of love.

Build him a library on self discipline and money management.

He hasn't changed for the better so far. I hope he responds sooner than later o.

4tunebest:
We on Nairaland can't help you. Why not talk to the One who would not only help you, but who would also turn the situation around to what you desire.

Lashawn, there are many ways to deal with this issue, but you have asked for the best way. Well, the best way is to tell God what you want; tell God how you want your husband to spend his money, those flaws you want your man to do away with---tell it to God and patiently watch the drama unfold.

...this is the magic ingredient in my own marriage. I pray it works for you too

Amen. Thank you....

Onegai:
Your child comes first. It is important that you both know this well and understand and acknowledge it.

Stop keeping money in the house. There's nothing wrong in giving him, but he should ask you first for the money before he takes it. And since both of you are contributing, he should explain to you what or where the money is going to. So for now, no more money in the house.

If he gets angry, please tell him that his wife and child comes first, there are too many expenses and uncertainties with a pregnancy and a baby and it is wise to start saving for it now, rather than later.

Ask that you guys both get a joint savings and checking account in your names and both of you contribute a certain amount monthly to it. After that, if he wishes to spend the remainder of his salary on his relatives, no problem. If he gets broke doing so, please tell him that you too, are broke.

He cannot beggar his own family to please others.

As for what happened at the wedding, just be quite for now. A time will come to bring it up, because he should have been more appreciative of your family's effort.

(sits down and waits for the Prayer and Endurance Association of Nairalanders ((PEAN)) to show up)...

c'mon, don't keep us waiting...

I've stopped doing that o. Any excess cash is kept out of reach.

PresVA:
Stop giving him money before he runs you dry too.. not even like he uses the money for something important. ..
Talk to him, he needs to be saving an amount monthly whether in the bank or in form of assets. ...you're yet to raise your family. . You guys can open a no - withdrawal account. ..

Let him know that if he goes bankrupt today, nobody cares!

Opening an account. Its something I've discussed with him. Though I wanted us to open one for monthly upkeep which we will both contribute to. I'm also concerned because I know a baby listens to no excuse. Good or bad, there must be food and pampers.

raumdeuter:
Reading

What is earned while in the marriage belongs to both parties we are told

What I would suggest is to know the expenses both of you are involved in. Then priortize what is important and pay jointly

Like I said earlier, I suggested this. But he keeps dragging his feet. We are just two and our household expense at most shouldnt exceed 70k tops. Why then shouldn't his money last through the month? Let's even assume I wasn't working, we shouldn't be having problems!!

nyafunyafu:
First off, it is too early in your marriage to begin to talk about or make an issue about a ceremony that is already in the past! So on that side let bygone be bygone.
Second of all, your husband is supposed to be your best friend, better half and two have become one including your monies! Now, I would want to believe that whatever he was requesting money for would be a very important item/matter? Just the same way you expressed your fears here you need to have that discussion with him to understand what he needed the fund for and the reason for your refusal or skepticism! Communication is very key and you both need to learn the art of effective communication.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and congrats cos you seem like a newly married

Thank you.
The issue is not about what happened. Its about the attitude of entitlement I.e. what is his, is ours for the taking.
I try to talk sometimes but I hate harping too much on same issue. He told me needed the money to pay for some household stuff but I just feel he does not take the house expense serious. He would rather satisfy those outside and start sourcing for household expense. Which shouldn't be.

I have talked to him about having a joint purse for the house expense. He didn't give a concrete answer. If I even open an account forcefully, can I force him to pay money in it?

And he sure says no to me a lot. So why is it hard to say it to outsiders? Its not like he pours the money on me like people think. Caring yes. But he sees me as a self sufficient person. And he sees my parents that way too as he doesn't do what some son in laws would do like during Xmas. Like buy rice and chicken. I had to do that last xmas not like they need it but just to make them have a taste that they have a married daughter.

I just feel everybody thinks now that he is married, they should quickly collect their own share of the national cake before it gets exhausted.

But its really affecting us as a couple. God forbid one gets downsized or something. Then what happens?

And why will these people some of who are even established financially be doing this to my husband? Because when he refuses, they make it seem like he's getting stingy now because he's married.

A few days after getting married, we were duped by one of his uncles of over 200k. More than half of the money was the esusu I'd done at work and was meant for our honeymoon. Then we got calls asking for money they had used in procuring aso-ebi for their general family, that my husband is supposed to pay for it as most people collected without paying.

Hmmmm. I was shocked.
When my own folks were busy still buying us things as per new couple.

Anyways, that brings us to today.
All through the month, my husband always gets calls asking him for this or that money. I always hear him saying today or tomorrow or next week, promising people money. Before you know it, he's broke and he descends on what I kept in my bag.

It has been my habit to always have money in my bag and box. As my mum would say, what if you pour someones oil away and you are asked to pay? So he will ransack and pick without even telling me. One time he took about 60k which I was saving up for something. I was very mad when I needed some quick cash and saw the place empty with like 100 naira left.
Meanwhile, I don't do that to him. I don't ask him for any money as I know I was educated to be self sufficient.

I don't care if he gives whoever money but should it be to the detriment of his family? We have a baby on the way and if his salary is barely enough now, what happens then?

Not to talk of all the monies borrowed from me and unreturned. I hate when I have worked in very strenuous condition and he just distributes my money anyhow because someone came to him with a cock and bull story. When we both didn't have jobs when we first started dating, I never saw these people around him. In fact back then, he still wanted us to get married like that as he said we could manage as he doesn't have any responsibility.

I seriously do not understand how he puts himself in this type of situation and how all these responsibilities sprung up.

The evening of the trad after our traditional rites, I called him and noticed he wasnt happy. So after I pried and pried, he blew up that his people complained they were not well treated. My mum confronted my aunty who had been keeping an eye on the caterers and her servers and my aunty refused that whoever claims he/she was not well treated must be a very greedy person as she made sure that there was enough food on every side. Food was plentiful self.
During our white wedding, all of a sudden a woman from his side started coming to pick our spray money aggressively and walk off with it, handing it over to another person. A girl joined her. Even though they weren't spraying anything and hadn't assisted in anything so far.
What they were doing was so obvious (that they thought the money should be for them), that my aunt directed my girls to stop picking money and leave them. All the misbehavior was beginning to get me upset and I found it hard to remain cheerful. Because by now, it was obvious to anybody taking notice that something was amiss.
By the time we were taking our last pictures, the unopened drinks on the tables in the hall had all disappeared, as well as the big bottle of wine we used for our couples toast which we only sipped from. Someone actually climbed the stage and took it.

Just this morning, my husband was angry that he asked me for money and I refused him.
I wasn't happy refusing, but I don't understand why he shouldn't have money at this time of the month. Or any time at all.
We both have good jobs. Mine is very volatile and I am mostly extremely busy everyday but it's well-paying. My job is also not secure as one could get sacked anytime.
His own gives him more time both at work and off. Nice salary and nice incentives. Very secure too.

In fact, before we got married, someone who knew him well was asking me to leave my job as what he makes is enough to allow us have a good life. 98% of his colleagues' wives don't work.

And even though it hasn't been easy, I am still trying to hold on to my job.

Now to our finance which is the bone of contention.

During our wedding preparations, his folks left everything for him. So it was him, my parents and myself who contributed. He was not over-stressed with bride price or anything.Even though at the beginning, he complained about some items, he ended up not bringing some of the listed stuff. I filled the bridal box with my stuff that i already had while some of the things were augmented with cheapies. Of some of the things my people collected especially foodstuff, a percentage was returned to us as a couple to tide us over till we find our feet. The bride price was even given to me back by my uncle as I was told they were not selling me. My dad also spent a lot, even though I tried cautioning him as he was close to retirement and I still have younger ones. But he never took notice and went all out, he exceeded my expectations and apart from footing the trad, he augmented virtually all the white wedding expense. Everything from hall to decoration to food to entertainment, even the cloths for the grooms parents. I will stop here but I know what he did for us.


To be continued. No front page please!

Thanks all. Thank you...

Please do not take this to front page. Whilst others clamor

Hellooooooo!
Anybody home?

*looks around.

aisha2:
Madam FIND THE TIME, if you break down work will still.go on.
I used to be like you till I collapsed at work one day, I was in the hospital for over two weeks and the only call I got from them was to find out where one file was, it was the family members, friends and church members i abandoned to " face my work" who were there with me everyday. In summary if you die today you WILL Be REPLACED IMMEDIATELY.

I am sure you don't work Saturdays and Sundays do you? You sound so stressed and wound up like someone going to explode soon. As a woman and a single woman now you have to learn to make time for YOU and make that part of your life even when you marry else you turn to an angry, bitter aggressive and sad wife. YOU ARE NOT SUPER WOMAN YOU CANNOT DO IT ALL, ITS OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK

Wish I felt like a super woman. More like a jaki (donkey).
I'm beginning to flirt more and more with the idea of quitting the job gabadia. I mean, I feel bitter, stressed and What have you.
It's an industry where feeling relaxed is like a crime and you are placed under serious pressure It's written all over you.

And Then you think about the upcoming wedding and How important it is for a woman to have a job of her own and You're discouraged.

I might still leave if it means having peace of mind. Wouldn't mind a salary cut sef.

chaircover:
Hmmmm my dear this is the transition from a carefree single woman with minimal care to the world of marriage, responsibilities, new relationships. diplomacy, tolerance, descsion making, juggling balls and hoping for the best . . and a whole lot more.

This is just the beggining
I make it sound grim, but its all not bad, and there are lots and lots of positives from marriage, especialy when you and your hubby are on the same page.
This is your new life now, so I suggest that you take a deep breath, calm down and deal with things remembering number ONE . .which is YOU!

As for your in-laws, the truth is this. . . .some will automatically like you, some wont at first but when they get to know you they will like you and some will never like you till they die.
Its therefore up to you how you decide to process this and deal with it and live with it. knowing that you cant change people.
Personally I will deal with the ones I like and keep the ones that dont like me at arms length and so long as my conscience is clear, I have no problem.

Thank you Chaircover. Wish I knew all this. Even if I knew, I just at didn't think it would happen to me. Come to think of it, as calm as my mum is, some of her inlaws still act up. After over 30 years of marriage.

I and my man are on the same page for now and I pray it continues that way. Thank you very much. I really appreciate....

aisha2:
Relax, take a day off and go to the spa, get a massage and thoroughly pampered let go, you can't do and control everything

Thank you, Aisha. I Wish I could But work is So So crazy. You have to be visibly ill to get any sort of time off. Plus taking time off leaves your desk a mess. You come back and meet triple work and you are back to square one.

So here I am again.

I Wish I could say everything, No holds barred But nairaland is a huge community. I remember coming here about a month ago, crying out my eyes.

I remember I was scared I wasn't being liked by the inlaws. Things got to a head a week + ago and I had to spark to my man. It wasn't something that was done to me, But something that was done to my folks by his folks. It was a subtle act, So to say. It wasnt overtly obvious but It laid bare to the discerning eye and heart that they were not So much into me.

I was very, very angry and told him without mincing words that it wasn't acceptable and I do not think l am getting the same level of acceptance and love from his folks that he has gotten from mine. In fact, I had to chip in the tribal difference question (Sorry, I know you guys asked me not to anymore, But I Can't seem to forget the sharp look his sis shot me the first day she heard me speaking in my dialect).

I had to ask him if my tribe had to do with me not being liked. At first, he acted like I was overreacting, But he later conceded that What happened was actually bad and he had been concerned even before I raised it.
He apologised and made me promise not to bring up the tribe issue anymore. I also apologised Because I sort of dumped the whole issue on him at first.

Later my Parents and I had a long talk. My Dad was like not all of my inlaws would like me and that is the fact of life. And I should forgive. That they were the ones who were wronged and if they could forgive, So should I.

My mum was like: This is not the time to pick on little issues.
Well, I disputed my mums statement Because I think this is the time to do exactly that. Not swallow every bile I'm fed with and I said it too.

All in all, never knew wedding/marriage preparations could be like this. Not like my 7 to 8 job has left me with much time for preparations anyway.

Everything happening has just dampened my morale and I find myself scared and listless.

I am beginning to feel irritated by questions about shades of colour and what not and texts of people cunningly asking for the contract /right to distribute asoebi. They don't know What I'm going through. They don't know....

If It's not text about asoebi from family, It's a text about money from friends. Asking for 200k or 50k like if I had such money easily at my disposal, I would be slaving from morning to night, trapped in a job Which only heightens the pressure in my life.

*deep sigh