₦airaland Forum

@Bluuu
I'm convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that your boyfriend is abusive. You don't have to be a victim before taking action o, I think you should run NOW. This issue might seem simple, you might think he calls you frequently Because he loves you or that he doesn't want you to deny him your body for same reason But I'll tell you again and again that if you don't leave, you'd have yourself to blame.

passionate88: I remembered Leshawn saying something about abusive men behaving in a particular manner no matter where they are in the globe. @leshawn, you are so correct. This case happened in Sydney, Australia



www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2470030/Chilling-image-shows-Simon-Gittany-clamping-hand-fianc-es-mouth-hurled-Sydney-balcony.html

Yes. That is why I can relate with others who have been in such situations and when they hear mine, they'd also exclaim about How similar my case was to theirs.

Infant, I saw this with a roomie I had. I could see what happened to me happening to her too. The guy was behaving in a way that was very similar to my ex. Infact, without her confiding in me, I knew the guy was abusive.

I told her my story, hoping she'd pick one or two lessons. Alas, She went ahead with the marriage. She even told us that the love was now very sweet as the guy had gotten a job in an oil company. The guy succeeded in alienating her from her brother who brought her up before the wedding and She was actually supporting the guy over the brother. Suddenly, to her, her brother was up to No good. All Because of a guy She met over the social network.
I was just looking at her, Because after all I've been through, I can't pick a man over my family. My family have been there for twenty something years, loving me and Seeing to my well-being.

Anyways, they got married and from the honeymoon, trouble! Of Course She didn't confide in me. But the person She told told me.

For the honeymoon, they lodged in a beautiful hotel in lag for a few days. This guy would Sleep with her roughly with his huge manhood. At night, in the mornings and he'd also come back for more during his breaks from work, as he was also working during the honeymoon. She dared not complain of pains as he bluntly told her it cannot be painful, that after all, She wasn't a virgin bride.

Probably Because of the rough sex, She got an infection and started Seeing drops of blood after urinating.
When She told him, he told her to get herself cured before he got back from work or else, he'd return her back to where he got her from.
He told her if he gets infected, she'd be in for it. That How won't She get infections when She was always sleeping around.
She was always being harassed and abused and insulted. I won't be surprised he beat her too. A few weeks after wedding, She was already envying single girls.

The wahala with pm is plenty. As it is, cant even check mine as i cant recall my email password.
And i have messages from nairaland but no way to check..

@Kenyatta
Moving on is not easy. For me, I went online and read alot about abuse. I read and read and read.
It kept me strong through nights of 38 missed calls from him and other manipulations to get me back.

I also saved his derogatory texts and recorded some abusive calls. The mind has the tendency to repress such painful memories and so I had evidence of the EXACT way things were with him. It helped me on those days when that silly thought of "but were things so bad, was he really that bad?" runs through my mind. All I had to do was go to my phone to see that, ah! My suffering with him no get part 2. Infact, I found it extremely hard and painful reading them. But my resolve would be stronger.
Now, I don't have the texts anymore though. Deleted them all.

Just look for your own way to heal.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a step. You have literally flown hundreds of miles away from the guy. Now take the next step.
And know I'm here whenever you need to talk, to vent, to cry. Or even to sit with you in silence.

I'm happy the thread is back on course. I would peep in here and wonder how the thread could be of any more use with all the massive derailment.
This is a topic that is close to my heart, a sickness afflicting a great percentage of our men and women.

I'm glad Kenyatta got help through this medium. I'm glad Ure and Swag are getting on their feet too. Hopefully, more women (and men) who have chosen to remain anonymous will also seek help.

For me, my ex has once again contacted me via facebook. I left the request as it is, neither accepting, nor declining as part of my resolve to TOTALLY ignore him without betraying ANY emotion.
I was tempted to send a fiery message through the same medium asking him to f^ck off and NEVER contact me again. But I resolved to let my silence do the speaking, like it had done for the past two years.
Hmn. It is well. Even in the well....

I am really happy for you, my dearest Kenyatta. God bless YOU! Thank God you made it in more ways than one...

@Kenyatta
Babes, how are you holding up? Still rooting for you. Please, be strong in your resolution and leave that beast you call bf. He doesn't deserve you.
Huggss!

Ujujoan: Please let's not confuse people here . . . .

The fact that a man is possessive doesn't make him an abuser.

Many men like to know that their women's body belong to them alone . . . My husband is on auto-hate mode for all my exes doesn't make him a ruthless brute!

It's the same way I hate the women he loved in the past . . . . No matter how good they are, I always find a way to mock them!

And I hate it when another woman compliments my husband, it pisses me off to no end . . . .

OMG, I'm a jealous b***h

Yes, a man likes knowing that your body belongs to him alone. But you left out something very important which I will add again. He is so possessive that he alienated you from family and friends? That he doesn't allow you go out alone?

Also, another thing I've said before which I'll tell the girl asking this question is: How does he view other females apart from you? It's the little things which are overlooked, that end up being the major.

Vure: I don't know which. Honestly.
He gets really angry if I hang out with friends or go out without his knowledge.(I dont live with him) And in his anger he yells at me and almost immediately he apologizes.

He doesn't have any exes im aware of. According to him, no girl ever worth that much attention till he met me 5 years ago..

I wont resign from the Job.

I'd be concerned about his possessiveness if I were you. Because one of the most telling signs is when a man is over possessive to the point of alienating you from your friends and family.
And Like Ileo said, he just might be fascinated with How to 'tame the shrew', infact that was the first thought that Came to my mind when I saw that he was fascinated with your character. Nothing sweeter to them like breaking a woman with strong spirit and Seeing her wilt before their very eyes.

However, I don't want to jump to conclusions. Within you, you have the answers you seek. I didn't need anyone to tell me when I was in an abusive situation. I just didnt have a name for it. I read a lot and I saw a book talking of seven different types of dangerous men. I knew my ex would fall under one of them. But I avoided the book like a plague Because I wasn't ready to face the truth. It was after I broke up, that I got the book.

Again, my ex told me at the honeymoon period that I was different from other girls and if another man tried snatching me, heads would roll. At the time, it felt good being the object of such adoration. But it was only a matter other time before he realised I was a fellow woman not worthy of respect. I would ask you to watch carefully and see How he treats OTHER women. Waitresses, female colleagues, girls hanging out on their own, mum, sisters. How does he view them? what are the roles he feels they should function within?

Vure: I don't know which. Honestly.
He gets really angry if I hang out with friends or go out without his knowledge.(I dont live with him) And in his anger he yells at me and almost immediately he apologizes.

He doesn't have any exes im aware of. According to him, no girl ever worth that much attention till he met me 5 years ago..

I wont resign from the Job.

I'd be concerned about his possessiveness if I were you. Because one of the most telling signs is when a man is over possessive to the point of alienating you from your friends and family.
And Like Ileo said, he just might be fascinated with How to 'tame the shrew', infact that was the first thought that Came to my mind when I saw that he was fascinated with your character. Nothing sweeter to them like breaking a woman with strong spirit and Seeing her wilt before their very eyes.

However, I don't want to jump to conclusions. Within you, you have the answers you seek. I didn't need anyone to tell me when I was in an abusive situation. I just didnt have a name for it. I read a lot and I saw a book talking of seven different types of dangerous men. I knew my ex would fall under one of them. But I avoided the book like a plague Because I wasn't ready to face the truth. It was after I broke up, that I got the book.

Again, my ex told me at the honeymoon period that I was different from other girls and if another man tried snatching me, heads would roll. At the time, it felt good being the object of such adoration. But it was only a matter other time before he realised I was a fellow woman not worthy of respect. I would ask you to watch carefully and see How he treats OTHER women. Waitresses, female colleagues, girls hanging out on their own, mum, sisters. How does he view them? what are the roles he feels they should function within?

Amen at swag's prayers.

Thank God for Kenyatta and everybody showing their support at this crucial time.
@Kenyatta, Ure and Swag, the time you leave for real is the MOST DANGEROUS time, even more dangerous than when you were with them . Please, do not play with your safety. They act like wounded lions that have lost their prey.

@swag queen
Me, I see these men as being sick. Because they exhibit the same symptoms. From America, to India, to Nigeria. Different men, different races But all having the same identical character. Just like the symptoms of malaria is universal, so also are the behaviors of abusive men the same the world over.
Derin did almost same by making his friends call me. My former roomie also experienced same in the hands of her then boyfriend, now husband. He called her and pretended he was her ex.
@swag queen
Me, I see these men as being sick. Because they exhibit the same symptoms. From America, to India, to Nigeria. Different men, different races But all having the same identical character. Just like the symptoms of malaria is universal, so also are the behaviors of abusive men the same the world over.
Derin did almost same by making his friends call me. My former roomie also experienced same in the hands of her then boyfriend, now husband. He called her and pretended he was her ex.

@swag queen
Me, I see these men as being sick. Because they exhibit the same symptoms. From America, to India, to Nigeria. Different men, different races But all having the same identical character. Just like the symptoms of malaria is universal, so also are the behaviors of abusive men the same the world over.
Derin did almost same by making his friends call me. My former roomie also experienced same in the hands of her then boyfriend, now husband. He called her and pretended he was her ex.

swag queen: My MIL told my three years old daughter that women are to be seen not heard! I told her boo-boo,its a lie. Please don't listen to that. Can you imagine!

Hmmn. Thank goodness you were there to tell her otherwise. Such mentality in this day and age....

ileobatojo: Lol! This guy is good! What a set up!

I hope you have finally squelched all thoughts of ever going back to him? You know he hasn't changed. He just wants his most 'successful' relationship back.

Yes oh. I will Never go back. Forward ever, backward Never.
I think I just needed someone to talk to. That was why I opened the other thread. Not like I really meant to go back...
And Thank God I saw the support group I needed right here.

@Uredaddy

And I won't be surprised if your husband had a hand in your ex's wife calling and accusing you. I don't put anything past those people. They set you up and then work on your guilt yo start abusing you.

A friend of mine started receiving anonymous texts after She got married. The texts were explicit, talking of How the sender supposedly slept with her, the different positions he used on her etcetera. She told me She showed her husband. Because She didn't want anyone to blackmail her..That is How a trusting relationship should be like.

You and I know that we can Never open up like that to these abusive men. They turn around and use the info against you.

@Uredaddy

What have you decided to do about the kids? Please, don't leave them behind....

swag queen: ^^^^^ Hahaha

My dear. I don't think I can ever listen to man saying sit at home, while I work..That singular incident thought me a lot of lessons that I won't forget anytime soon.
I work now and I earn a good salary, as far as I am concerned, I'll put that job first before a lot of people Because people are fickle and wicked. I'll only be with a guy who can understand that a woman is not to end up in the kitchen. She should be able to flourish and maintain her own dignity, not be asking for money to buy matches and pad.

Hmmn. People asked questions earlier if I was an undergraduate when I was with that man. I wasn't even an undergraduate. I was running a second degree in one of the most prestigious Federal UNIS in Nigeria. I started the degree a few months after we started dating. Though, i was still in my early twenties.
He panicked when he knew I got the form and tried all he could to dissuade me. He is seven years older than me and had finished from a polytechnic.


After the whole Lawrence incidence and After my Dad asked me to stop being scared and stop picking his calls, I listened for a while but Before I knew it, i started picking and listening to his pleas again.
I would pick and listen, But I wouldn't budge. One day he told me to send my account to him. That No matter what happens between us, that he'd been thinking of helping me out financially. That there was No string attached to whatever he sends me.I told my friend who'd earlier asked me to tell my parents all that was happening. And I sent my account at her advice.

He called me one day and told me he had sent me 25k. I thanked him. He encouraged me to use it that after all, a student like me would have things to do with money. I left the money alone, However.

Months Later, I had to go home. That night the guy called me. I was watching television with my Dad, and my Dad didn't know his daughter was back to talking with the man he specicefically warned not to talk to anymore.

After two rings, I went outside to received the call. Next thing, he was shouting at me and accusing me that I didnt pick his calls Because of the I.diots I am packing around who are deceiving me that I am beautiful. He then told me that there was money he sent to me (the 25k). He quoted the date he sent it for me. He told me that he wanted it back and he didn't want any excuse. He dropped the call on me, But not before a slew of insults which included bullshIt, amongst others. Early in the morning I got a text and while I have Since deleted it, I can Never forget the words:

"I am still expecting my...
Don't get ready, live ready."


I sent the lunatics money back, as I Never spent a dime.
25k was Nothing as My parents made sure I Never lacked.

I am telling this part Because I want to reiterate the importance of a woman getting her own money. Imagine what would have happened if I'd eaten the money. He would have harassed and insulted the heck out of me.
It's true abusers use money to humiliate their victims.

A few weeks Later, he was back begging. Again.

I'm really happy for you @swag queen.

He might actually come back to beg, especially when he sees you doing fine without him or when he realises he has lost the control over you but you just have to be strong.
Also, guard your children with all that is in you. Because if you refuse him, he might use the avenue of taking them away to spite you.

Wish you all the best. Lots of love!

I am not surprised at what these other ladies are saying. It is a call to women out there to raise their sons right and raise them to be respectable not just outside the home, But inside too.

And it is also a call for parents to be raise strong women. These bullies dont go for strong women. They know exactly How to sniff out the emotionally vulnerable. Just like animals of prey do, they watch the herd and pick out the one that would give the least resistance.

It is also important to set boundaries in a relationship and make sure they are Never crossed. This is Because these men bite you and when you shrug it off, They bite harder the next time. And all the time they are doing that, they are watching your reaction to see just How much they can get away with.

These stories are distinctly uncomfortable, Yes, But truer stories you won't see any where else....

Kenya, Please you can leave. PLEASE, I BEG YOU. DON'T LET THIS SITUATION REMAIN YOUR REALITY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. LIFE WITHOUT YOUR ABUSER WILL BE ONE OF PEACE, HAPPINESS AND PURE JOY.

TRUE, that like an addiction, It's not going to be easy.to walk away But think about it, you have so much to live for. We all have one life, would you live it this way? We can always start over No matter How we've gone down the wrong path we can always retrace our steps.

*hugs.

^OMG.
At a point, he must not call at ANYTIME during the course of the day and my phone show either busy or call waiting. The day he got me making a call to my aunty who had called me to confirm some things, I was called all sort of names. He said I was talking to those idiots I kept around me. That he knows everything about the pretentious life I'm living and God punish me if I am deceiving him.
I just recalled that I had to cut down my calls to other people so as not to be caught making calls. And then, if I had to leave the hostel to buy suya (which I love), I would continually press the red button so that his call wouldn't connect. Then I'd hurry to get everything because it would mean trouble to be caught outside the confines of my room.

I'd actually forgotten this part before now. Or maybe the thought is just so humiliating that it got buried in my subconscious.
Remembering all this is showing me just how very bad things were. I could never go back in that cage.

nbright: Just trying to play the Devil's Advocate here... I thought girls like there guy's to always call them?... I know I've read it here on Nairaland... Anyway @Leshawn.. Nice vocabularies.. (gaggle of boys)

Would you call in the middle of the night to ask your girlfriend where she is or to ensure that her phone isn't showing user busy

@Kenyatta
There's nothing I can say more that hasn't been said already. Please, I beg you. You need to leave that lunatic!

^
Thanks swag queen. How are you doing?

Thank you.

Hello everyone. I decided to come back. If only one girl would learn, that is one more saved from what would have been a marital life of tears and pain.
Not like I'm in the best position to advise but! I believe you don't have to experience abuse before you know you should run for your life.
And thank you all for the confidence in me...

And I bet if I talk of how I went back to him briefly, I'll be chopped raw. What have I even said, that it is sounding like fiction? What if I begin from A and finish at Z without leaving out anything? Well, some things are meant to follow you to the grave, I guess. So I will keep quiet.

Anyway, maybe there's another girl out there like me. I'd tell her this, get your people involved. And talk to those around you. Let them know what you're going through.
Because it took the collective efforts of my family to pull me back, my dad particularly.
Thank you for your time all.

So it is now a crime to write lucidly. Or I'm so jobless that I would stay up half the night thinking up and typing a story.
One would think you would go through my past threads and posts before reaching a conclusion.
Sorry for disturbing you people with my 'stories'. It won't happen again.

kreami diva: My dear,this one was obsessed about me. But the last straw was when he called my folks,insulting them! I went maaad. My mum had seen the marks on my back from his belt and she knew at that time,that it was best for me to leave.

Btw dude is a lawyer o.


To cut the long story short,have you moved on

Na wa for these pipu.

I have tried to move on. I've tried to be strong. Just that he keeps imposing himself into my present. I told my friend who brings his sorry tales to stop talking to him. She says she can't.

That day as I changed my sim, my dad's call came in.
After assuring me she wouldn't tell him, my mum had waited patiently for him to come back from his journey that evening and had downloaded everything to him angrily.

What did you say Derin did? Is that why you switched off your phone? Put on your phone, my daughter. If he calls you tell him NEVER to call you again. And NEVER pick his calls again. You hear me? Don't be afraid. You are my daughter and nothing....

Omo, I can't explain the feeling and euphoria when I heard those words. I felt like I could stand up against 10 Derins. I felt like freedom was finally here. My dad was for me, who could stand against me? I felt life flow back in me and I wasn't so ashamed in letting people know little bits of what had happened to me.