₦airaland Forum

Ngaz

'm sorry this is coming late; I've had a busy week. I wish I could organize it better, though. Let me know when you get this so I can modify.



The day has suddenly become Dusk. Like an eclipse in midday. How fast bad news travels, like the speed of light, bellowing into homes like the roaring thunder, announcing the death of Rose, my sister. She was just ten. A rose plucked before her bloom, she was cursed by the epileptic lord, chosen to serve his selfish needs, but my sister often disobeyed, rebelled and the god would go berserk, throw Rose into a fit of nervous disarray,

(I recommend a full stop there.)

her body betrays (betrayed) her, twisting like a cobra in a disjointed ball,

(no comma: there is no need for a comma after the relative pronouns. Eg, This is a book which will make me not sleep. There is no need for a comma after 'which'.)

that would make even the most daring gymnast green with envy,

(I recommend another full stop here. A reader would think you're deliberately trying to be stingy with sentences. Lol. Bringing up a new subject (her eyes), I think, necessitates a new sentence. If you want to combine into one compound sentence, 'and' could be used instead of the comma.)

her eyes would roll back into the socket (their sockets) as if, hiding from the monster that seeked to claim her soul, her teeth clenching, holding back profanity else her pain be made worse.

(There is no need for a comma after 'as if', really. And I think it's more correct to come up with the subject again after using 'as if'. So that would be: "as if SHE WAS hiding". Glance through the examples here:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/as-if-though)


I had known instantly that our playful embrace had gone sour, her nails were digging into my little spine, drawing blood and pain but I didn't mind, for I knew that the demon was at it again. "Rose... Rose", I called my voice echoing the desperation, I felt.

(I was hesitant to assume you had a special love for the comma, lest I choke on false beliefs. You just confirmed it. Lol. Imagine I walked up to you and said, 'This is the book I bought', inserting a slight pause between 'I' and 'bought'. That sure would sound awkward. Separating the object from the verb and subject with a comma is equivalent to inserting the pause up there. This is all about the comma between 'desperation' and 'I felt'.)

I watched as she wriggled in pain, her face twisted like squeezed tissue paper, (I recommend a full stop here and starting another sentence with 'her pain') her pain was tangible, I could almost touch it.
"
Yeptka... No.. Tatakoo, no.. ", Rose murmured, her words incomprehensible, (full stop) but her pain had its own voice, stifling her breath like noose on a condemned.

I reached towards her, held her with all my strength just like papa

('papa' should start with a block letter. It's actually a proper noun)

had taught me, but my 7year old arm couldn't hold her down, it was as though she possessed the strength of a million men.

('it was as though' should be the start of another sentence. It is another idea being expressed.)

She was jerking convulsively, (full stop or 'and) she kicked the table, (full stop) the jug came crashing, water splashed on the tiled ground, (no comma before introducing 'as though' and no comma after it) as though (it was) following its trail, Rose edged towards the stairs and went gliding down the stairs, (full stop) I was screaming at the top of my lungs, running right behind her, (full stop)I held her sleeves, but like someone destined to drown, she slipped off, crashing through metal rails and concrete stairs and rolled into the waiting arms of papa. (Papa)

(The same note about commas. Create compound sentences with conjunction and not a cluster of commas if you're that writer who hates short sentences. I feel they're cute, anyway.)

Her teeth were clenching, papa was screaming.

"Someone get me spoon ", papa roared. I collided with mama in the frantic haste to reach the kitchen, but by the time, we got back in split seconds, papa had already ducked his index finger into Rose's mouth, (semi colon) anything to prevent her teeth from clasping. Mama was sprinkling red oil on rose's forehead as she was offering prayers to the Virgin Mary. I was looking at rose's face, something was different,gravelly wrong. I just felt it, like a part of me leaving, (full stop) I saw rose's (Rose) eye become lifeless, (and or full stop) goosebumps enveloped me, (full stop) casting a shadow of grief on my young memory, (full stop) mama was crying bitterly now, (and, full stop or semi colon) hope was clearly lost,(you know) papa's finger was cut off, (hahahah, full stop again) he was bleeding profusely, (and) the other part was buried behind the clasped teeth of my sister, (full stop) if papa felt any pain, he didn't show it, (full stop) he just sat nodding as neighbors offered their condolences,refusing offers, (no comma)to have his finger bandaged.

(Firstly, the verb 'clench' is a transitive verb and cannot be used without an object. 'She clenched her teeth' work fine and replacing the verb with an intransitive one like 'contract' would work too. Secondly, your usage of the past continuous tense for both verbs is quite unusual. It's more common to use the past tense for both parts of the sentence, or the past continuous tense for the first verb, and the past tense for the second part. The same thing applies to 'I was LOOKING at Rose's face'. If it's not for the sake of answering a question that was asked with the past continuous tense, it's very strange to narrate an incident using the past continuous tense alone. It would have been correct if something happened while you looked, and that would come with the past tense.)

It was strange how moments can separate life and death, (full stop) I looked at my wrist, it was still there, the red bracelet, (no comma) Rose had given me moments ago, (full stop) my heart was breaking into a million pieces, (full stop) I didn't even know how I still stood, how my knee could still hold me, (full stop) I wondered how my heart could still beat or how my nose could breathe,(full stop) life is supposed to end today, every single one of us, it is either death or we fight this epileptic lord and get my sister back.
It was when mama's (Mama's) hand reached for me, (no comma) I held on to her like a dying man holding the tiniest shred to reality, (no comma) I walked into her embrace and together we cried brokenly, mourning our Rose (insert a relative pronoun) crushed under the heels of the epileptic god.

Once again, this is a captivating story. It's the kind that never fails to win short story contests (I've been in many; never won one). You'll just have to do some work on punctuation, and you're there, gbam! I've just added a thousand pages to my book of thrilling expressions from reading this. Keep writing!

TheSCRYPT:
She was seductive,
Her voice, sonorous.

Beware,
Fire dances
In her soul.

TheSCRYPT:
Duty called
I followed
Her voice.

Aye, you
Answered:
Call of
Cowardice.

TheSCRYPT:
Duty called
I followed
Her voice.

Aye, you
Answered:
Call of
Cowardice.

TheSCRYPT:
I stood,
By it,
It lived.

cc llaykorn

You ran
In times
Of need.

This Thread
Fought Death
And Won...

Cc:
Texanomaly

I don't know why I read this at midnight. No, it's not horrific, it's just funny how darkness fuels grief. I can only hope, ngaz, that no part of this piece will fail to be fiction. Shock me, did this happen? I've heard a lot about epileptic seizures but this is the first time I'll witness one. Your descriptions are just as vivid as it would be if I watched one two yards away from where I stand, if they are not a little bit more.

I'd have loved to point out a few things I noticed that you might want changed if you did too, but I feel morally obliged not to do that until I have your permission. This might just mean so much more to you than commas and full stops.

KOKOwonder:
Few hours from now (tomorrow) is my crush's birthday I need a romantic birthday poem to make her feel me. amberacious, jigsawkillah, cuddlemii, the agba, llaykorn, krystalzkris you guys should help your number one fan pls. Her name is Elizabeth.

I'm just seeing this. I hope you were able to get a poem that made her feel you. And, please be fast about it and change her from 'crush' to 'wife'.

timpaker:
The Shot (Emotions)

Far across the desert sea of Sambisa
Lays an inland of crime bustling militia
Wielding tools that coughs out death,
To it we crawled with our four chained-legged monster
On the wrinkled naked sands with a mask of bravery,
Hiding the fear of failure that glows on our faces.

Like a duck we caravanned into our mission
Snipping a tattered militia in a ragtag 'danshaki',
His head headed his heap of shield and his eyes glued
To the wall behind; death was alive once again,
As it took lives at ease in its theater of thunderous applauds.
We shot into their defenses, causing a pandemonium
which exposes their desperation and lack of control.

A young lass in hijab as if immune to bullets
Flung towards us crying, she seemed lost -
Her steps steep the ground in a somewhat compass of confusion;
Our guns stopped talking. Our emotions overwhelmed our gun's lips -
It kisses pause! But she ran and hugged a soldier
Whose waiting arms fell out the sky like a butcher's chop.
Twelve soldiers were killed by suicide - Oh young lass!

Again, our bullets sang our pain into their end,
Their decimation became easy with a stain of anger in us.
Then another lass sprouted out in the open,
A modus somehow similar to the first.
My comrades again hesitated and kissed pause.
Private Oche dunt his rifle at her, she fell...
And my trigger clinched my finger to let out a shot
To her stomach pouring out her duodenum.
We watched her struggle to breathe till her life was gone.
But on searching her hijab, she had no suicide vest on....


My shot killed an unarmed girl...............

The last line had a tear in my eye. Shot is a collection of beautifully heartbreaking pieces. Chance made me check; I never knew you added to the first poem. Please don't stop this. There are still too many stories to tell of unforgettable shots.

Fempire. Is it only a coincidence that the word starts with the prefix fem-? This one is raw; I love it. In the line where you made a remark about the heart's possesion of photography, was that a representation for memory?

TheAgba, your signature kills me. Are you for real, man?

Oh no! There is too much magic in this poem. You stole my attention completely, and I at a point found myself following your instructions as dutifully as possible. This poem just raised my spirits a hundred levels higher. Thanks for sharing.

PS: This deserves to be on the frontpage; it will help many a battered a soul.

Amberacious! Celebrate, dear accomplished poet.

Kruzilano:
[b] ****************Three limericks*****************,[\b]

If life was a journey, will you walk for miles
If you can't give money will you lease a smile
live life its the only way you learn
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
When you smile let your heart and teeth be pure
You don't need the pen, a smile can end the war
Laugh it off, its a sure way to get strong
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°′°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
If my heart was a dartboard will you hit the bull eye
Or will you just feel reluctant and kiss it goodbye after a few tries
Give and accept love, its the only way to get young

Hi Kruzilano. This poem striked my heart in a pleasant way. Your concluding line was read over probably a hundred times. The truth is plain; only love - enough of it can make young whatever is deemed old.

This would have ended in the previous paragraph if not for your opening sentence by which you indicated that the poem is to be of three limericks. I think your idea of limerick is slightly different from mine. A limerick is a five line per stanza poem with a rhyme scheme of aabbc and it is usually humorous in nature. It's very uncommon to see limericks express strong emotions like you're trying to do in your poem. That's what knew.

Is this a variant style of the limerick just like we have for the two sonnets?

elfico:
Lovely poem. Thumbs up @Op

Thank you, sir, thank you!

OMA4U:
You are now LAYing words upon words like some bricks for a mansion of subtle poetry.

Don't go and come and be whining me, sir.

Chief, you have resurrected. What happened to your numbers, sir?

TheAgba:
The poem is just about a guy who is now in his twenties. The reference to the first "twenties" is the 1920s and the other , age range...
Boss...I wish I could lose weight but I so need it.

A poem like Lukas Graham's 7 Years Old? That's beautiful. It seems like everyone in the world is trying to lose weight. I am too, so are all the members of my family.

TheAgba:
Things happened in the twenties
Many things we do not know
A lot of them were follies
Those we have learnt to follow
Now I am in my twenties
Experience would be my show
Acting with my calories

This poem has almost fried my brain, but God The Almighty won't let it. From the first three lines, I got a story. And from the next two, I got another. There was another story in the last line. Please are you just trying to lose weight?

This is an awesome one, kester113. It's not uncommon to harbor doubts about the potentials of a member of the female folk, whether in a positive or negative direction like yours.

Your first two stanzas are beautiful. The imagery paints beautiful pictures. But, I looked up 'Tashi' and I found nothing. With your usage, I expected it to be a symbol of something significant to your theme. Have I not searched enough?

I think your third stanza, like Kruzilano rightly said, needs a little bit of modification. I'm not saying it's not poetry. But it doesn't sound rich enough (that's to me, though). Take a look at your simile in the fourth line where you wrote 'like I'm riding honda'. I have never known that people who ride Honda also wonder.

And in the fourth stanza, how is your desire godly? I don't really know how to say this, but I find the imagery in the rest of the fourth stanza a little unpolished. It's just a personal opinion, though. The concluding stanza is free to go. But, what is 'heart's rhyme'?

I saw your mention on Joseph's thread. There is some vague memory coming back over that thing we discussed way back that prompted the message, but I can't retrieve it completely. Please forgive me.