₦airaland Forum

i am so tired of laffed and my tummy is pain me 5 much. u guys is really try with the movement you kill english with.

my apologement to the Queen o!!!

noobs

i go report all of ina to seun. for keeping this thread alive.

ayusman16:
ITUEN: Hello?

AYUSMAN: Hi, this is Ayusman calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetery in Bridge-

ITUEN: WHAT?!

AYUSMAN: If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you -

ITUEN: You reserved what for me, A grave?

AYUSMAN: A free burial space.

ITUEN: What's the difference?

AYUSMAN: Well, the word "grave" can be scary sir. You can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtesy call to -

ITUEN: How interesting. So, as a Telemarketer, you pick up the phone and cold call people to pitch them with offers?

AYUSMAN: Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them -

ITUEN: Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definitely interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before you die, right?

AYUSMAN: I agree with you sir. You're so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.

ITUEN: I see say na you them send come.

AYUSMAN: I'm sorry? Send, come?

ITUEN: Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore, right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you them send come!

AYUSMAN: I'm sorry sir, but I don't know what you're talking about.

ITUEN: I get fillage too o! I be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me Gold Circle condom protection, you hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like?

AYUSMAN: I don't understand what you're saying -

ITUEN: You go understand by force. Na airmail I go take send winch to you, you hear. Una think say una know winch just because una dey do halloween. You think winch na that abracadabra una dey do for America? You think na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show you where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-color winch, For my fillage, na your eyes I go take flavor the juju. You go know betta winch when my own army land.

AYUSMAN: I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way -

ITUEN: You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do I sound offended? Why would I be offended because you - kind-hearted telemarketer that you are - reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old I am? 32. In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them?

AYUSMAN: I didn't mean anything -

ITUEN: You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare you wish me death -

AYUSMAN: No, that's not what -

ITUEN: I DON'T CARE! Do you know how many years I worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 years. 10! Do you know how many laws I broke in so many countries before I found my way here? I have been here only 2 years. All the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because I am just now able to afford a telephone because I cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before I can even begin to enjoy a little, Ah, your own don spoil o. I swear, e no go betta for you.

AYUSMAN: E no, what?

ITUEN: Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes them go take cry for you for that yeye grave wey you don reserve for yaself.

AYUSMAN: Are you cussing me sir?

ITUEN: Cuss you? Why should I? Why would I want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country.

AYUSMAN: I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.

ITUEN: See this wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish, Look, just as an aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?

AYUSMAN: Some of them do have -

ITUEN: No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup my dog for Hollywood, abi na where you dey call from.

AYUSMAN: I have to hang up now sir.

ITUEN: Before you hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them they have a free burial space, then try to get them to buy expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it called? Bait and switch, right?

AYUSMAN: I don't know what you're talking about.

ITUEN: You get pickin?

AYUSMAN: Get picking? Picking what?

ITUEN: You get pickin? You don born bomboy? Mai you dash your pickin the grave now.

AYUSMAN: Dash picking, You' re dissing me?

ITUEN: Diss? Dis one pass diss, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S., kiss - serious kiss of death.

AYUSMAN: I have to hang up now sir.

ITUEN: No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily Times obituary section -

AYUSMAN: That's mean! You can't talk to me like that just because I'm a telemarketer. We are people too.

ITUEN: Yes, bad people, People who call me at all kinds of hours to trick me into buying what I don't need.

AYUSMAN: I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!

ITUEN: My juju go don finish you before you reach the place! Winch pass winch! You no go die betta, I tell you. I go make sure say them give you craze first, make you waka enter K-Mart abi wetin una dey call market for this side - before them finish you! She reserve grave, Why you no take knife come kill me yaself? E no go betta for - Hello? You hang up? Why you no wait make I finish? Why you no wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.

ituen, u come fro benin ?

man the rains almost make me feeel depressed. i can't even go swimming. very suspicious weather.

beauteous:
miss wrong?

yeah , miss wrong. she can't be left alone to waste.

Mesmerize:
dnt mind him. His head don yamayama

u are very correct to a fault.

OLAADEGBU:
Do you know that if you stretch your arms out to the sides as far as you can, that's how tall you are? Confirm this when you try it .

true talk


do u know that an alien has been spotted in naija

who u be self?

i'm september 14th. the best day in the whole year 4 me.

yeah yeah yeah, and i'm trying to be the last . pleaaassee, make ina allow me to be the latst guy. i go cry o!!!

who's mukina 1. hope she not as fine as u are?

why must everybody be looking for mr or miss right, so what happens to mr and mrs wrong then?? they're left in the cold. i need a mrs wrong, and i need her urgently.

@ibkaye

u don dey mumu o.

chineke, lekwa indi igbo nwanem nokwa ebe. ana me kele unu. igbo kwenu ooooo.

i was told i could meet my fellow krazy peeps in here. were dem dey?

yoh, to all my peeps in P.H. City. . . . . . . . . . HOW FAR NA

nytenurse, u dey office dis nyte. i need a checkup on my weapon of mass destruction.

i'm manickal, and i love to be crazy.

guy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , u guys should help a poor guy na.

nigga ma jowon

i've known this since i was 10 and i've tried to beat it once or twice and have succeeded.

bro, ur jokes are really hilarious, keep them coming.

wow, myki, what u really know how to tell a true story.

A guy moves into an apartment complex. He's
putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a
door open in the hall. He glances towards the
door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in
a bathrobe come out. He tries not to look at her
as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.

As they talk she turns to look down the hall and
her robe opens slightly and he notices she is
wearing only the robe. They talk a little more,
and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in
my apartment?" He agrees to this. As they talk in
her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to
the floor and he gets a good eyeful.

She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?"

He says, "Your ears."

She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts,
look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can
you say my ears?"

He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said
you heard somebody coming? That was me!"

Good Alaskan Fishing

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

A fella finds himself in front of the
Pearly Gates.

Ol' Peter explains that
it's not so easy to get in heaven.

There are some criteria before entry is
allowed.

For example, was the man
religious in life?

Attend church? No?

, that's bad, that's bad ,

Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities?

, No?.

, not good, not good,

Did he do any good deeds? Help
his neighbor? Anything?

, NO??

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look,
EVERYBODY does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now
think!"

The man says, "There WAS this
old lady. I came out of a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's
Angels. They had taken her purse and
were shoving her around. Taunting and
abusing her. I got so mad I threw my
bags down, fought thru the crowd and
got her purse back. Helped her to her
feet. I then went up to the biggest,
baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he was
and SPIT in his face".

"Wow", said
Peter, "That's impressive. When did
this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes
ago", replied the man.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite
sometime. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her so she decided to employ the
medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD
recommended a Dr. Chang.

She went to see Dr. Chang and, upon entering the
examination room, he said, "Ok, take off all your
crose" "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the
other side of room." She does. Dr. Chang then
said, "Ok now crawl reery fass to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad, you haf Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or
dates."

Confused, the woman said, "What is Zachary
Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook
Zachary rike your ass."

This man goes into a pet store and asks the
owner for something special for his wife. The
owner says, "I have a parrot that sings Christmas
Songs". The man says, "I have to see that!". So
the owner takes out his lighter and holds it under
the parrots right foot and the parrot sings,
"Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way"
The man says, "Can he sing anything else?"
The owner holds the lighter under the parrots left
foot and the parrot sings "Up on the house top,
reindeer paws". The man says "I'll take it".

He takes the parrot home to his wife and tells
her the parrot sings. She says, "I want to see
that". The man takes out his lighter and holds
it under the parrots right foot and the parrot
sings "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the
way". Then he holds the lighter under the parrots
left foot and the parrot sings "Up on the house
top, reindeer paws". The wife says, "Can he sing
anything else?". The man says, "I don't know -
lets try". He holds the lighter under the parrots
middle and the parrot sings "Chestnuts roasting on
an open fire, ".

A man has a conversation with his girlfriend.

Man: Every times I see you I think of the sea.
Girlfriend: Because I'm fun, wild and excited?
Man: Nope, because you make me sick.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country
road in her new sports car when something goes
wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens
to be near a farmhouse.

She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the
door. When the farmer answers, she says to him,
"It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't
know what to do! Can I stay here for the night
until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but
I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and
Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men
standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be
in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the
woman begins to get a little Hot just thinking
about the two boys in the room next to her. So she
quietly goes into their room and says,

"Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the
ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get
pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."

She puts them on the boys, and the three of them
go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the
front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that
came by here about forty years ago and showed us
the ways of the world?"

"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these
things off!"