dolly a:

communication is d key. share your feelings, concern n disappointment with your hubby and also try to see him as the man you fell in love with . i wish u happiness in any decision u make.

Thank you

ifyalways:

Love is not all there is to marriage,I'd keep saying this.When the love waxes cold,the bosoms drop and fly,the blokos shrivel and it takes alot more work to get 'it' nod. . .other things like mutually shared interests/hobbies,great communicating,maturity are the ingredients that wud help one to hold on,swim through the tides and still come out fine,together as one.

@OP,i'd say give it a shot one more time.We all fall in and out of love sometimes but at the end of the day,we look at our partners eyes and see reasons to stay put.
If however you think you've done it all,tried it all and still feel its NOT worth it then goodluck with your "walking away" plans.

I think I have tried it all but it doesn't seem to be working, he on the other hand is really trying to make sure that I always have a smile on my face BUT I don't, nothing he does seems to be working for me. I feel so bad

chaircover:

First step is to talk to him about how you feel. You are both going to have to sit down and thrash things out. The fact that you both had affairs shows that there are deep seated problems in the relationship so you both have to address those. You are both going to hear things that you don’t like but that is the only way forward.

Now if you are looking for the butterflies in my stomach, I sit by the phone all day long waiting for him to call, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up each time I hear his voice 5 years into marriage then I am sorry to say that you won’t get that, maybe that is why you got bored and decided to have an affair but I am sorry to tell you that if that is what you are looking for, you will have to have an affair every year for the rest of your life

What you get from long term relationships instead is a deep seated love, warmth & affection for each other & you almost blend into one and the same person. This is what people mean when they say soul mate. That is why people sometimes say that couples who have been married for long begin to look like each other. Its not that they look like each other, it’s just that they have kind of merged into the same person with their views, body language, gesticulations, choice of words etc and they can communicate across the room without even opening their mouths.

Marriage however doesn’t have to mean boring and you can still put the spark back into it by getting out and doing things together. The best thing you can do is to invest in is a good baby sitter. The kids came after the marriage and shouldn’t be the only focus of the marriage; this is a mistake that many people make. The more things that you do together as a couple the more closer you will become. Rediscover each other; court each other again & make out time for each other. Slow down on other not so important things like housework etc. Yes I said Housework!!

I know that I am making it sound easy. It is not o!! . . . And it will take time and a lot of hard work on both sides and you will probably need the help of a professional marriage guidance counsellor to help you both. But give it a try before you both throw in the towel.

Thank you for your response.

I have previously asked him what he would think or how he would react if I told him that i had fallen out of love (we were watching a movie along those lines) and he said he would appreciate the honesty but would really be hurt. I really don't want to hurt him, he has had a difficult childhood and even his years at varsity were not the best as well and doing this to him now feels so cruel.

Of late we have been doing the outing thing, movies even clubs together but that spark is not coming back on my side. He seems very happy with the way things are at the moment and breaking this, I am so scared

jennykadry:

Lol the sex with the othe guy was better wasn't it? I don't know how a sane woman would wanna get back at her husband by cheating on him? You are sick, very sick and so is your husband

And yea, I remember your story from last year

Yes it was, much much better probably because it was forbidden. You know what they say about forbidden fruit.

I didn't cheat to get back at him, it just happened, I didn't plan for it to happen and it's the past now.

If concluding that I am sick will bring you joy then, why the hell not?

Aparche:

I don't understand, what exactly do you want to solve? Because it's like you have made up your mind to end the marriage.
I don't see how I can help you with this.

Yes I have made up my mind but what is going to be my reason for ending the marriage. There are lots of people involved, his family, mine, what do i tell them. He has not done anything wrong how would i justify such a big move

I have been married for almost five years now but I don't love my husband the way I used to anymore. I have fallen out of love, literally. I cringe when he touches me and I just pretend that everything is fine but it's not. It's like he can sense how I feel because at the moment he seems to be loving me more than ever, offering to cook for me, running my bath etc, things he last did a while back. He tell me he loves me everyday and I say it back BUT i don't mean. I feel so unhappy, why? He has cheated on me before and I found about it, he apologised and promised to stop seeing the girl. I think he did stop. I also cheated, he never found out about it but I since stopped seeing the guy but I just feel so miserable everytime I'm with him although i just pretend to be happy.

How can I solve this one, I want to be out of this relationship but I don't know how to go about it.

Thanks Pukka

@ Rolchi

Since I confronted him about this latest encounter he has been going out of his way to make up for it. He is coming home early every night after work, offering to help me in the kitchen and all and even planning to take me out this weekend so maybe he is willing to make it work after all. I am going to give him one more chance for us to try and make things work. It's really not easy just walking out of a marriage. It takes a lot!

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I am back again

I have since stopped seeing that guy and have been trying to make things right with my husband BUT he hasn't stopped seeing the woman he was having an affair with. They still call and text each other and they even met this past weekend. When I confronted him about it he said nothing is happening but i have proof of the calls and he calls her at very odd hours like 1am, 11pm or even 12midnight.

How do I handle this, I am also trying to make my path straight but how do i do it??

Thanks for all your responses. I have made a decision NOT to confess but I have stopped seeing the other guy (though I can't get our sexual encounters out of my head). I am going to try and make this work and give it my all with my husband and just hope for the best. I am also seeking God's hand in this one as it is a spiritual warfare

Someone asked if my husband knows the other guy, the answer is no and we don't have any mutual friends.

FYI I am not Nigerian, just came to this forum because I have seen really good advice here previously

About whose fidelity came first I am not sure at the moment. And my husband only apologised after I had seen raunchy messages and unexplained credit card transactions. He didn't even confess as such until I cornered him and threatened to go to the woman's house to make a scene. It's not like he just came up and opened up.

Yes we had a child outside marriage but we got married afterwards.

@ Iyabasira,

I hear what you are saying about the truth but i don't have any guarantee that he will accept it and forgive me, what if he doesn't? What then?

Yes I was wrong I shouldn't have been involved with the other guy at all but it just happened, I didn't plan for it to happen and I sincerely regret it but I don't think telling him is going to make things any easier.

@ Monkeyleg I have asked myself the questions and i have my answers but still it doesn't help me. I had an affair because maybe I felt something was lacking in my marriage, by the way I didn't plan for it to happen. It just happened so quickly and before I knew it I was hooked on to the other guy.

Like I said earlier, I am so scared of telling my husband this because of how he might react. I know the type of person he is and he wouldn't take it lightly. I do not want to be divorced I want to try and make my marriage work and telling him will just crush any hopes of this ever working out.

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME, HOW DO I QUOTE A SPECIFIC POST BY SOMEONE? THANKS

Thanks Pukka, really appreciate your input. You've been really helpful and I will work towards getting this right in my marriage and just hope that neither me or my husband will go astray again after this encounter.

@ LadyT - I was mad but i sort of expected it because he had been acting strangely of late. I was angry and all but inside me I feel guilty he's busy feeling bad whilst I'm here sitting and pretending to be perfect when I've been doing exactly the same thing.

About the touching part - I cannot explain that, it just happened, I just started feeling that way out of the blue I don't know why. It was just after I had miscarried as well, don't know if it could have been because of that.

Thanks for your response Pukka

One thing for sure is I don't want to be married to the other guy. That's for sure. I guess I just can't help it but feel sorry for him. I need to be strong and firm and I am working towards this.

I also don't think telling him will be a good idea, thing is I need to repent and clean my act and work on getting things right with my husband.

I just feel so helpless and weak and lonely that's why I think maybe taking the issue to the Pastor would help. I can't exactly talk about this issue to anyone because none of my friends or family knew about my affair. I would also prefer to speak to someone neutral who is going to help and not judge. I hope you understand what I mean. Keeping this bottled up to myself is surely going to drive me crazy, I need someone to talk to who I can tell the progress etc. I can't even tell my own mom this stuff, I am too ashamed.

Thanks to you all for your responses. It's really been hard to end things with the other guy but I think that's the first step out of this mess. He cries and sobs and manipulates me and I end up feeling sorry for him and giving in to his sexual advances. it's really a difficult situation and I think only God can help me through this. Those who pray please remember me in your prayers.

My husband is a very difficult person when it comes to infidelity issues, telling him will break any hope of reconciliation. He still has problems with the fact that I slept with other men before we got married he says when he thinks about it it disturbs him now imagine having to tell him that I slept with someone else now? It would break him.

I have been thinking of taking the issue to my Pastor and tell him everything but I am scared he will force me to confess to my husband,

I'm really in a tight spot and I really appreciate your sincere advice.

@ Pukah I don't know what changed. I just didn't feel that love anymore, I would be happier when he is out. At the moment I can't really say I am interested in him but I'm scared of going the divorce route. I am willing to try and make things work with him. How do I do it?

I've been married to my husband for 4 years and things were all rosy and perfect in the beginning. As time went by i began to lose interest in him, like I would cringe if he touched me, nevertheless we would make love. I had to do it as those are my wifely duties. Now this year in February i bumped into this other guy and i've been having an affair with him for the past 3months, this is now the 4th month. I don't think I love this guy but the sex with him is amazing, he really knows how to please me, anyway I have just found out that my husband has also been having an affair with a family friend, someone we both know very well who is a single mother.

I've been trying to end things with the other guy so that I can focus on my marriage but I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is really apologetic and he says he love me it was a mistake with the other woman. Should I also tell him what I've been up to or should I keep quiet? I am really confused.

We have a child by the way, 7 years old.

These things happen, I am looking for serious advice please do not insult me,