I've been married to my husband for 4 years and things were all rosy and perfect in the beginning. As time went by i began to lose interest in him, like I would cringe if he touched me, nevertheless we would make love. I had to do it as those are my wifely duties. Now this year in February i bumped into this other guy and i've been having an affair with him for the past 3months, this is now the 4th month. I don't think I love this guy but the sex with him is amazing, he really knows how to please me, anyway I have just found out that my husband has also been having an affair with a family friend, someone we both know very well who is a single mother.

I've been trying to end things with the other guy so that I can focus on my marriage but I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is really apologetic and he says he love me it was a mistake with the other woman. Should I also tell him what I've been up to or should I keep quiet? I am really confused.

We have a child by the way, 7 years old.

These things happen, I am looking for serious advice please do not insult me,

Passing & not looking>>>>>>>>

~Minx~:

I've been married to my husband for 4 years and things were all rosy and perfect in the beginning. As time went by i began to lose interest in him, like I would cringe if he touched me, nevertheless we would make love. I had to do it as those are my wifely duties. Now this year in February i bumped into this other guy and i've been having an affair with him for the past 3months, this is now the 4th month. I don't think I love this guy but the sex with him is amazing, he really knows how to please me, anyway I have just found out that my husband has also been having an affair with a family friend, someone we both know very well who is a single mother.

I've been trying to end things with the other guy so that I can focus on my marriage but I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is really apologetic and he says he love me it was a mistake with the other woman. Should I also tell him what I've been up to or should I keep quiet? I am really confused.

We have a child by the way, 7 years old.

These things happen, I am looking for serious advice please do not insult me,

Why did you start losing interest in him? Are you interested in him now? If yes, what has changed?

@ Pukah I don't know what changed. I just didn't feel that love anymore, I would be happier when he is out. At the moment I can't really say I am interested in him but I'm scared of going the divorce route. I am willing to try and make things work with him. How do I do it?

Humanly speakin, I tink u shouldnt tel ur husband since he knws nothin bt it has 2 stop nd u focus on ur marriage. Bt as a xtian, u av 2 confese 2 him nd both of u end ur issues dere as a mata reconciliation nd restitution

@OP. This is a very tough issue. To start with, the other guy's issue must stop NOW or it will end disastrously.
Better Stop NOW. I know how difficult it can be to put =an end to such relationships. But you have to face it and end it. You are only being carried away by the sex part of it.

On your husband, I guess you must make amends and begin to find out way of loving him again.

I wish you all the best.

ask for GOd's forgiveness

~Minx~:

@ Pukah I don't know what changed. I just didn't feel that love anymore, I would be happier when he is out. At the moment I can't really say I am interested in him but I'm scared of going the divorce route. I am willing to try and make things work with him. How do I do it?

The golden part of your post above is that you are willing to try to make things work with him. With this mindset, I believe that you'll get a positive result. However, you need to sever the link you have with the other man; this is very critical. Do so immediately no matter how painful it is except your relationship with him matters more to you than your marriage. And then direct your energy towards resuscitating the relationship with your hubby. Of course there are many ways to do this.

One way is to find it in your heart to forgive him and use the opportunity to draw him to you. Although some people might say you should also confess to him but it is easier said than done and it might even spell doom for your relationship (something which you don't desire) because you don't know the way he would take it. Whichever way he takes it, he would never forget it and that might forever colour his mind towards you. This is the human part of it. It has been known that women are more ready to forgive such than men.

Another way is to sincerely see reasons to love him and reactivate your sex life. There are also tons of information on how to do this on the internet. Sieve through them and see the ones you feel comfortable with and hope they work for you. Again, ask yourself why you should be happier when he's out. Nobody can answer this question for you although you can be guided. Ask yourself this question slowly and deeply.

In all of this, listen to your heart and use your head. Do not compare your relationship with another person's. What has worked for someone else may not work for you. You are unique and so is your relationship.

have u ever tot about it that it mite have been ur cringing that pushed ur husband to another woman?

my advise, tell him n 2 of u shud go on a holiday somewhere n rediscover ur love, when he touches u, imagine u just met him,

just wondering how u got bored in ur marriage, now u've officially scared me from marrying

speechless :-x

My 2 cents worth of advise?

1. This is not breaking news/ unique at all .Adultery is all around us. Its actually the kid I feel sorry for cz hes caught in the middle and has to suffer for our mistakes.

2.Good news is, there's hope as its not the end of life. Always compare what your are going through with the worst possible scenario and you will discover there's a reason to thank God that you came back to your senses b4 the ship sank completely.

3.You don't rectify a wrong with a wrong. What is right? God commands us to confess our sins one to another so that we can be forgiven. NOW that said, theres also one thing called WISDOM. A nicely shared confession could turn to be the worst mistake you ever did and wreck you up forever. So test the waters first,weigh the pros and cons before you do so and see if hes capable of forgiving you. His reaction may suprise you.

What may happen if you don't share?

a) The guilt will haunt you everyday forever
b) What we do in darkeness will be announced in mountain tops(I know its not the case always but in most yes) so the possibilty of him hearing the story about his wife from out is also high.
c) The dude you slept with can easily blackmail you. Telling you that he will spill the beans if you dont do abcd. So which is better?

What may happen if you share?

a) Well be ready for either a forgivess or slap. (ope the latter doenst happen)
b) It may always crop up whenever you have your small fights.
c) He may never view you the same way again.

Remember that every mistake we make in life has consequences and solutions.The way to solve the solutions is NEVER easy so you MUST be ready for anything if you are determined to keep it going. That includes the above risks. So since you are a grown up, what wilL you prefer?
Face it head on and MOVE ON.

Oh Lady I hate to be in your shoes but theres always a way out of every tough situation.I hope all will be well.[/i]

Oh dear do you still love your husband?

You need to do something exciting together like a holiday or just go out the two of you. Try to remember what bought you together.

You know your husband best he may never forgive you if you tell him about your affair.

Its a mess but goodluck.

This one pass me o

@OP, you have no choice but to tell your partner. Rather he hears that from you than any other person. It depends on how well you know him too. Now If you tell him two things can happen:

1. He'll have all the reasons to continue his relationship with the other women since he had just discovered that you not a saint nor a victim in this. It'll clear all his guilt.

2. If he is mature and honest about his ish, he'll see this as an opportunity for you guys to start opening up to each other and be brutally honest about the underlying issues in your marriage.  Which is a good thing, that way as a team you can work towards a common goal be it fixing the marriage or ending it.


Of the above two which one do you value the most and which one would you rather live through

Good Luck, Hey remeber the saying "only the truth shall set you free" 

SA Lady has spoken!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

This is really very serious. My advice is that give-up the affair you are having with the other guy. Dont tell your husband you had extra marital affairs because it may wreck the marriage (depending on the nature of your husband). Just try to put it behind you.

Hopefully, the other guy will not blackmail you. But if he does, by this time, your husband would have re-newed his interest in you and that can serve a leverage to make him calm and forgive. If you went ahead and inform him now, hmmm, he can spit fire ooo!

the truth wud always come out one day

Thanks to you all for your responses. It's really been hard to end things with the other guy but I think that's the first step out of this mess. He cries and sobs and manipulates me and I end up feeling sorry for him and giving in to his sexual advances. it's really a difficult situation and I think only God can help me through this. Those who pray please remember me in your prayers.

My husband is a very difficult person when it comes to infidelity issues, telling him will break any hope of reconciliation. He still has problems with the fact that I slept with other men before we got married he says when he thinks about it it disturbs him now imagine having to tell him that I slept with someone else now? It would break him.

I have been thinking of taking the issue to my Pastor and tell him everything but I am scared he will force me to confess to my husband,

I'm really in a tight spot and I really appreciate your sincere advice.

~Minx~:

Thanks to you all for your responses. It's really been hard to end things with the other guy but I think that's the first step out of this mess. He cries and sobs and manipulates me and I end up feeling sorry for him and giving in to his sexual advances. it's really a difficult situation and I think only God can help me through this.

And therein lies your problem. The smart guy is preying on your emotions by sobbing and crying. Wait, is he your husband? Of course he's not! Do both of you want to get married? If yes, divorce your husband and move ahead. But I doubt if he's ready for that. So brace up and let go. Why are you feeling sorry for him? Imagine the consequences of your husband finding out while you are stuck with his crying spree.

~Minx~:

My husband is a very difficult person when it comes to infidelity issues, telling him will break any hope of reconciliation. He still has problems with the fact that I slept with other men before we got married he says when he thinks about it it disturbs him now imagine having to tell him that I slept with someone else now? It would break him.

Like I said before, it's a very hard thing for a man to take; psychologists and sociologists have written several things on this. Except you want to play with fire, don't tell him. Although some have said the truth will come out but there's no guarantee for that. Is it everything that happens that gets discovered later? It's obvious that you still want the marriage and also know the consequences of telling him.

~Minx~:


I have been thinking of taking the issue to my Pastor and tell him everything but I am scared he will force me to confess to my husband,

I'm really in a tight spot and I really appreciate your sincere advice.

Well, this depends on you but I am circumspect about the quality of some of the pastors walking our land these days. I would see it as another person (the pastor) getting to know and thereby extending the loop. Furthermore, how would the pastor change the predictable consequence of telling your husband whose personality you have already profiled here?

Thanks for your response Pukka

One thing for sure is I don't want to be married to the other guy. That's for sure. I guess I just can't help it but feel sorry for him. I need to be strong and firm and I am working towards this.

I also don't think telling him will be a good idea, thing is I need to repent and clean my act and work on getting things right with my husband.

I just feel so helpless and weak and lonely that's why I think maybe taking the issue to the Pastor would help. I can't exactly talk about this issue to anyone because none of my friends or family knew about my affair. I would also prefer to speak to someone neutral who is going to help and not judge. I hope you understand what I mean. Keeping this bottled up to myself is surely going to drive me crazy, I need someone to talk to who I can tell the progress etc. I can't even tell my own mom this stuff, I am too ashamed.

As long as you are ready for the fact that your husband may dump you. you need to be realistic

by the way what was your reaction to your husbands confession?

why cant you stand your husband touching you?

~Minx~:

Thanks for your response Pukka

One thing for sure is I don't want to be married to the other guy. That's for sure. I guess I just can't help it but feel sorry for him. I need to be strong and firm and I am working towards this.

I also don't think telling him will be a good idea, thing is I need to repent and clean my act and work on getting things right with my husband.

I just feel so helpless and weak and lonely that's why I think maybe taking the issue to the Pastor would help. I can't exactly talk about this issue to anyone because none of my friends or family knew about my affair. I would also prefer to speak to someone neutral who is going to help and not judge. I hope you understand what I mean. Keeping this bottled up to myself is surely going to drive me crazy, I need someone to talk to who I can tell the progress etc. I can't even tell my own mom this stuff, I am too ashamed.

Again, your desire to be strong and firm amidst this emotional turmoil is commendable. Fix your mind on what you stand to lose by clinging to the other guy.  Yank him off and run.  It's not easy but it is possible and do-able.

The issue with telling another person (be it your pastor, mum, or close friend) is confidentiality.  People talk.  Yes, people talk, even in their sleep.  They let out secrets consciously and unconsciously; and some of them may not even know that they have just 'talked'. The veneer of anonymity which you have on this forum would be gone once you pour it out, putting aside the shame, to someone else.  Although it would give you a feeling that you have 'unbottled' it, but another feeling of the possibility of being betrayed replaces that.

Take it that you have let it all out on this forum and you can activate this thread anytime for updates. As you can see, people here have generally shown concern and understanding about your situation.

Try to cut off your link with that guy with grim determination and work on your marriage with tenacity.

@ LadyT - I was mad but i sort of expected it because he had been acting strangely of late. I was angry and all but inside me I feel guilty he's busy feeling bad whilst I'm here sitting and pretending to be perfect when I've been doing exactly the same thing.

About the touching part - I cannot explain that, it just happened, I just started feeling that way out of the blue I don't know why. It was just after I had miscarried as well, don't know if it could have been because of that.

Thanks Pukka, really appreciate your input. You've been really helpful and I will work towards getting this right in my marriage and just hope that neither me or my husband will go astray again after this encounter.

@poster. . . It's stories like these that strengthen my resolve to remain unmarried. Anyways the answer to your question lies in this website : www.womensinfidelity.com

@Poster,

E no easy. I can't claim to understand why thsi happened in the first place, but I guess you have taken the right step by seeking helpful advise.

Firstly you must tell your husband, you both owe yourselves the truth. Hopefully he would understand and it might be the start of a new begining for you both, But most importantly what were the reasons that made you marry him in the first place? why did you feel you needed to have an affair? these are questions only you have the answers to.

Anyone who says there are no pressures in marriage is not being real, but success is all about commitment

monkeyleg:

@Poster,

Firstly you must tell your husband, you both owe yourselves the truth. Hopefully he would understand and it might be the start of a new begining for you both, But most importantly what were the reasons that made you marry him in the first place? why did you feel you needed to have an affair? these are questions only you have the answers to.

'Hopefully'.  Isn't this a big gamble?

@Pukkah,

Yes it is a gamble, but this is the likely price of being involved in such wrong. We cannot expect to have things our own way, most times there consequneces to our actions.

Marriage is not easy, and except you have been through this sort of thing, you can never understand how you would react. And lest not forget we are only hearing one side of the story

~Minx~:

Thanks to you all for your responses. It's really been hard to end things with the other guy but I think that's the first step out of this mess. He cries and sobs and manipulates me and I end up feeling sorry for him and giving in to his sexual advances. it's really a difficult situation and I think only God can help me through this. Those who pray please remember me in your prayers.

My husband is a very difficult person when it comes to infidelity issues, telling him will break any hope of reconciliation. He still has problems with the fact that I slept with other men before we got married he says when he thinks about it it disturbs him now imagine having to tell him that I slept with someone else now? It would break him. :-\

I have been thinking of taking the issue to my Pastor and tell him everything but I am scared he will force me to confess to my husband,

I'm really in a tight spot and I really appreciate your sincere advice.

Your husband is a jerk I am sorry to say.

If he was that judgemental about infidelity then why did he cheat?

What he's basically trying to say here is that it's because you have had some experience in the bedroom before you got married, that was his incentive to cheat. Which is silly.

You are not like me so you are obviously trying to work things out with him. I wouldn't bother. But if I wanted to work things out with him, then i would tell him the truth and see how he takes it. I know he won't take it well, but if he cheated on me first then he deserves it. Chikena.

I'm not saying you should tell him o!. I just believe that if he has been honest with me I will be honest with him. After all, have you considered the fact that he may hear about it from another source?