₦airaland Forum

[quote author=Mad_Max link=topic=249630.msg3895323#msg3895323 date=1242824542]We're adopting. You know how you meet a kid and know he's your son or daughter, even if you're not the biological parents? Well-
The problem is, do we let the child know he's adopted or not? I'm not in favour of letting him know, I think it's irrelevant and might create unnecessary,avoidable psychological barriers between us and our kid. There are differences between how kids relate with their parents, and with people they might come to regard as just playing 'mom' and 'dad', like trustees or something.

We're really torn up about this. We really love him, and no doubt we'll meet his brothers and sisters in other places and bring them home too. Should they be told they're adopted?Does it matter? I really need good advice about this.[/quote]~Yes! Yes! & Yes! To all three Q's . . .here's why . . . . .

~I totally understand you feeling telling the child will create "unnecessary,avoidable psychological barriers between you and the child" but not telling the Child will be a "Secret" . . .whatever you look at it!! As much as your intensions for Not telling are well founded,those same feelings you fear will create barries if the child becomes aware they're adopted & you've been keeping it a secret,i think it will be much worse if the child by then has grown up to be an Adolescence/Adult!

~The way i see it,its a double edge sword between telling the child & in some cases having to deal w/ the child ask Questions about their birth parents,the constant reassurance you'll have to give that child to make them understand they hadnt done nothing wrong or their Birth parents didnt want them. . . .

. . . .And not telling the child & having to deal with mistrust issues,defend your reasons for not telling etc Having said that tho,every Individual is differnt so you wudnt likely have to deal w/ scenarios listed!

~I'll Suggest You read up on the Pros & Cons of Not Telling/Telling the child,see what challenges lies ahead,you should be able to make a decision . . .

~Ideally,On the basic of telling the child,if the child isnt already at an age wherein they're aware they are adopted,some Experts suggest 2-4 yrs . . .i have to say tho the Experts cant agree on when's the best age to tell the child . . .


"Many experts believe the child should be told at the youngest possible age. This approach provides the child an early opportunity to accept and integrate the concept of being "adopted." Other experts believe that telling a child too early may confuse the young child who can't really understand the information. These experts advise waiting until the child is older.


In either case, children should learn of their adoption from the adoptive parents. This helps give the message that adoption is good and that the child can trust the parents. If the child first learns about the adoption intentionally or accidentally from someone other than parents, the child may feel anger and mistrust towards the parents, and may view the adoption as bad or shameful because it was kept a secret. "




"Several excellent children's story books are available in bookstores and libraries which can help parents tell the child about being adopted. Children have a variety of responses to the knowledge that they are adopted. Their feelings and responses depend on their age and level of maturity. The child may deny the adoption or create fantasies about it. Frequently, adopted children hold onto beliefs that they were given away for being bad or may believe that they were kidnapped. If the parents talk openly about the adoption and present it in a positive manner, these worries are less likely to develop."