₦airaland Forum

pak:
I guess this is going to be a difficult back and forth; You are talking to people with totally different world-views. It's like trying to explain what happens in mars to creatures from venus.
See as she 'smartly' avoided your final question


I see you also noticed the 'petty things'. Petty things like abortion

No I didn't avoid his question...I chose not to answer that question for it was dumb one. Just like you chose not to mind your business about someone personal business that dont affect you. Or was it the serial killer bit? Either way...both petty.

Yes..it is petty to worry about shot that doesn't affect you.

MRBrownJ:
and thats good for you, but you must agree that if a man wants to "trip" over petty things like past abortions, then he has all the rights to do so.
trust and honesty is not about minding your own business, it is about fully disclosing yourself to your partner, and telling him about past matters that may be a problem to him.

He does not have the right to trip off what someone did to their body in the past but he has every right to grow a brain and balls.

What is important my husband know and the rest ain't his business.

MRBrownJ

There won't be any blame because we don't trip off petty things...Thank God!

All my husband and I want to know are we going to be subjected to any life and death situations/experiences....if not we are good!

I also am into trust and honesty as wel lol as minding my business to things that does not affect me or knew me.

Deehvahrzz:
I have never insulted anyone on this forum and I won't start. Like dey say, having an opinion is like having an ass. Yours is noted.
You will only know she was a serial killer because she told you or she has a crime record you know. If she doesn't tell u nd Noone else does, u won't know. And having an abortion can't be compared to being a serial killer. She had to make a decision and she did. Do not stand there and judge her. Do u think it was an easy decision for her to make? She made her mistake and she's living with it. If he can't deal with it, he should move on and forget it. It's not just her mistake you know. It took two people displaying acts of irresponsibility for her to have gotten pregnant. I have never heard a guy confess a girl not to talk of honestly mention the girls that have had abortions for him.
Don't bury the poor lad
y alive because she wanted to be truthful.

Exactly. He has posted a post contradicting himself or herself. It said that no one can show their real self in a relationship and some things needed to be hidden.

Which one is it? We should keep things hidden or tell evertthing?!!

It has confused itself!

pak:
I don't know why people make over generalized conclusions. There are issues where you can only speak for yourself.

The last relationship I had (and the most serious so far), I told my partner every thing, absolutely everything she needed to hear about me, I hid none! She had access to my phones and my computer system, 24/7 ! She knew my system password and my phone unlock pattern, so what ?
That's the way I live my life, If you don't like me, buzz off. I have never killed anybody, never stolen from anybody, never defrauded anyone. I am not perfect but I love my life and proud of myself despite my obvious weaknesses.
The worst thing was that I told her that I have had more partners than I would have wished to, which even included some people she knows, so ?
I believe in openness and I will rather live alone on an island than in a house with a deceitful person.

I find it remarkably absurd that you have decided to use the phrase 'keep it real' when trying to convince me that nobody can show their real self in a relationship, because we need to keep some part hidden - hope you spot the contradiction !

You failed the lie detector test and you know damn well you didn't tell anyone everything that has happened in your past and anything you have done that is questionable.

Why can't motherfuckers keep it real?!

Anyway..do you.

MRBrownJ:
Mrs C, if one day your future hubby tells you that he dumped his ex because of reason "X, Y or Z" and you also happened to do "X, Y or Z" in your past, then that should be the moment to tell him the truth and stop wasting your time and his. not doing so at that moment would be considered DECEIT imho!

now, if you want to live in BS r/ship where you waste time pretending to be someone you are not, then so be it. this lady is/was an abortionist (and there is nothing wrong with that) and her hubby has the right to know about it. i MBJ have nothing to hide nor aint ashamed of who i am, people take me for who i am and nothing less.




how can you say your possible future husband should mind his own business regarding the abortion that you may have had in the past?! thats his damn business if he is against dating a gal who had one.

First of all, I don't have no future husband but a current husband.

Because I am not petty and unrealistic....I don't go asking him nor expect him to tell me everything that he has done in the past that does not affect me. It is none of my business and vice versa.

Thirdly, you will only disclose what you are not a shame of nor care about. LET'S KEEP IT REAL.

If my husband sit his ass around and tell me he ate shit and drunk piss as a child ....that's on him! Why do I have to disclose a tit for tat simply because he shared something embarrassing? That is not making no damn sense! I don't have to disclose anything that doesn't affect him period.

Just because someone tell you something personal about their past is not a requirement to disclose something personal about your past that doesn't affect you.

MRBrownJ:
well said! sadly, thats because many people out there are not willing to accept the consequences of their actions.... and think they can erase all the shiit they have done in the past (like it never happened). nonsense!
.

What are you on about? No one said that we shouldn't take accountability for our actions and decisions we have made..that is dumb!

What I said was people should mind their damn business about past issues that has nothing to do.with you or them.

pak:
Don't mind all these people who talk without thinking. Past is past so I should marry someone I just discovered to be a serial killer ?

You don't have to marry someone that you don't want to marry but know this just like you won't marry a serial killer neither does a person want to marry a dumb ass.

You have flaws and issues as well. I bet you won't disclose everything you have done unpleasantly.

Keep it real.

MRBrownJ:
@ MrsChima @ Deehvahrzz,
i am the one who should ask you which world you live in that you think that we shouldnt look at someone's past to evaluate them? bwaaaaaah. what anyone has done in their past is part of who they are today, you MUST use that to evaluate them and build a r/ship on solid grounds. you cant possibly build a great future with someone, while hiding from him something you did that he is against.

let me ask you this:
- if i suddenly tell you a few days before marriage that i was a child molester, a rapiist or that i've killed my 2 ex wives out of drunken rage. would you really NOT sit down and re-evaluate your stand in this r/ship?
- if i suddenly tell you a few days before marriage that i have kidnapped a few children and ate their organs, done money rituals to become who i am today, and that baba ijebu has still not been settled. would you really NOT sit down and re-evaluate your stand in this r/ship?
- if i suddenly tell you a few days before marriage that in the past i was a male prostitute selling my aaass to underground gay ogas at the top in lagos, without using condoms. would you really NOT sit down and re-evaluate your stand in this r/ship?

what i am trying to make you understand is that, what she did is wrong (in his mind), and from the day he discovers what she has done in her past, that man would not be able to look at her the same way.... its now a different person in front of him (a gal that did something he is against). so this is why he has to re-evaluate! r/ships crash everyday so this one aint any better. any woman who thinks that her past is irrelevant to her future, is fooling herself royally. your past will always be connect to your present and you future, and sometimes there are consequences

if a lady dreams of having a child, and discover just before marriage that her future hubby has low sperm count, then she must re-evaluate and decide if she wants to continue or not in the r/ship.... she has all the rights to do so.

so now, some virgins are barren OR some runz gal who had a few abortions got married and had 5 kids, so men shouldnt have an opinion on the past of the woman they are about to marry?!?!?!?!?!

You wrote all of that and STILL haven't said anything that convince me that someone can FORCE you to choose to deal with someone because they didn't disclose what they have done on the past BEFORE THEY MET YOU.

Not one person on this thread including you can tell me you have disclosed EVERYTHING in your past to the person you are in a relationship with..I know for a fact NO ONE HAS.

In that case we all have been deceitful because NONE OF US disclosed everything we have done in the past!

The world I live in is not fiction and a bunch of unrealistic bullshit.

RedBenson:
The husband is always away, so i play the roles of MrChima with MrsChima during his absence.

Keep dreaming!

chibuezefirewal:
wwwwhat have you two been doing since eeeeh. No worry I go catch two of una black-handed.

You won't catch me because I don't cheat on my husband.

Raiders:
must it be about papers and money to you. Some Nigeria guys are attracted to and only date older women.I don't mind dating a lady 10 yrs older than me. Also some mature women will only date young guys. People have different preference and its not always about money or paper so stop stereotyping.

It is true but it is Nigerian boy we are talking about!

I also want to add that too many men blame women for their choices and women does it as well. However, too many men will not take accountability for their actions or choices.

"She made me do it" seems to be a catchy phrase for many. If you don't leap before you jump and don't seek spiritual support in making your choices these blunders do come up!

No one will share all of their past to anyone and you shouldn't make a big deal about something that has nothing to do with you but you are not by forced to be with anyone you don't want to be with.

Whatever choices you make is yours to make and own up to!

MRBrownJ:
Mrs chima, i dont know what is your idea of a r/ship but in the "real" world, it's all about CHOICES. everyone has the right to decide what they desire/require for their lives. see how you want to FORCE this man to settle with this (possibly) damaged cargo. this lady has to live with the consequences of her action, and part of that is accepting that some men do NOT want to settle with women who has had abortion in the past.
deceit is hiding the TRUTH from someone, and waiting until later to divulge her past.

if he decides to marry someone else and she cant conceive then thats his problem because that would be a decision HE took, and not one he was forced into by a deceitful partner. why are you hell bent on making abortion something that EVERYONE should be ok with?!

divorce has always been a good choice in such matter.

I don't know what world YOU live in but he was NOT forced to proposed to her...he CHOSE to propose to her. There is no LAW in Nigeria that said men are forced to props and/or marriage. Period. It is a risk you take just like everything else.

It is a risk you take to have unsafe sex
it is a risk you take when you meet someone online
it is a risk you take letting a doctor perform surgery on you unconscious.

the list goes on and on...there's no such thing as selective choice...you are "forced: to choose in some areas and you made a choice in some areas. Thats the most psychotic shit I have ever heard!

if I meet someone and he chose not to disclose how many sex partners he had in the past is not a deceitful thing in my book and it's his business. Anything life and death is out of respect should be disclosed but not personal information that has nothing to do with you.

If there is a medical condition or illness that has been CONFIRMED of infertility then she should disclose it to him. Abortion is not a CONFIRMED infertility illness and no doctor in the world is perfect....even a highly skilled doctor can Bleep up a womb.

Greed and poverty malkes people do strange shit!

MRBrownJ:
never said there was any facts like that nor that it caused infertility, but since most of these ladies have abortion through quack docs, the chances of getting damaged womb are higher. a damaged womb could leave a lady infertile.



it would be if she did not plan to marry and start a family with the OP. the minute she decides to "share" her life with someone, then her business is also his (and vice versa). it's like buying an used car, you want to check the VIN history to make sure that all is in order. most women without any skeleton in their closets would have no problem with disclosing their past.



correct.... but its all about taking all the precautions to make sure that your family does not start on the wrong foot. marriage is a big deal and you dont want to discover (after marriage) that your new spouse is damaged good.



and some women out there had ONE through some quack doctor and could never conceive ever again. if you are a gambling person then so be it, but some people dont believe in luck and prefer to never gamble, especially not with such subject.

What she has done in the past is her business....she is not his wife yet and she doesn't owe him shit. Making a choice not to tell someone you had an abortion is not deceit.

IAgain...if he ends up marrying someone else who never had an abortion and she NEVER conceived then WHAT?

Divorce? Infifelity?

That's bullshit.

MRBrownJ:
but since abortion has to do with a woman's womb (possibly damaging it), that womb that is needed to start a family, that same family that most Nigerians wouldnt value unless a child is born.......then i would understand why a future husband care that much about his wife's past abortions.

There is no hard clad fact that abortion cause infertility. SORRY....it is still her business regardless. Even if she didn't have an abortion....it still doesn't mean she is fertile.

Many women had multiple abortions and still able to.conxieve.

DEY boy got super man sperm?

Run!!!!!!

Don't dare a Nigerian man.....get a Ghana boy.

TobiBabiOO:
Thankyou so much

You are welcome!

MRBrownJ:
Mrs C, the guy wrote that:"I had told her in our previous interactions that i cancelled the marriage preparations with my ex when she told me she had once aborted a baby for her ex" ....... what that means is that she fully well knew that this guy was against women who have had abortions, therefore at that moment , she should have been honest and let him know her past. not doing so was just a way to delay the obvious. it is her "possible" future husband business to know if this lady has done things in the past that can hurt their future together. just like a man has got to know if his future wife was an ex ashewo, so that he can decide if he wants to be with such woman, since people (friends family neighbours) would surely know about it with time.



you are right about that.



it depends who you are talking to.... some overly religious people would NOT want to be with a gal who had an abortion, while others wouldnt care. some people care deeply about such things, some much so that they not want to marry such person. its all down to each and everyone of us to decide what is best for us all



sista, you can only love someone unconditionally, as long as they still have what you desire/require in a mate. the minute she does not meet any of your criteria, you have to re-evaluate your r/ship, and take a decision as to whether stay together or move on.




she should have told him the same day he told her he was against such practice? why say it now that they he has made the introduction?! THAT to me is even a bigger deceit, because she waited when he had already made a big step to reveal such nonsense. just because many get fooled this way does not mean that this man should automatically accept her because she revealed it now, because the outcome would be the same whether before or after marriage.

Abortion is a personal matter she doesn't need to tell him anything regarding that and if we are going to get technical then we need to SHARE EVERYTHING private and public...no one will do that including OP.

jayedu108:
Majority of the girls here have done abortion before so it nt a new ting,wish there will be girl here who will be brave to tell us her experience here also.

I can't tell you anything personal about abortion because I had sense enough to practice safe sex.

kritikali:
W

Really Spritually ready to receive children, are u for real?

Yes.

RedBenson:
So what do you call the one we normally do together?

A fanasty of yours.

The shit Nigerian girls go through and tolerate!

A young Nigerian boy marrying old woman

I know it is not for papers....she got to be rich if it is true!

MRBrownJ:
why should you? all what you have with this lady was build on deceit. this lady knew fully well that you were against such practices and why you broke up with ex..... so she has only herself to blame for where you guys are now. its called RESPECT and she should have respected your stand and told you then about her own abortion so you could decide (then) if you want to continue with her or not.
dont change for anybody, if that is what you are against then you cant continue with this lady.



No you dont. you have just been unlucky in that aspect....and you have to remember that unfortunately many out there have done it, but there are gems out there and you need to keep looking and not act out of desperation to be called a husband.



why are you against abortion? is it because you are afraid she cant get pregnant or just that you are against the act? if you are just afraid that her womb is damaged then tell her that this is the only way you can marry her. remember that you can only accept to marry her after the baby is born, not after a positive pregnancy test......but beware as this can lead to many hurtful outcomes.




there are no positive mindset here, and there would never be, especially if she does not get pregnant quickly.
you have to sit down and ask yourself what is important in your life, what you are seeking, what you desire...... and when you do know, come and let us in on it

I was waiting on you to slip! Lol.

If the relationship is based on deceit then he needs to run like hell. However, we have to be realistic if she was never asked about her medical history and she doesn't disclose that information then no deceit has been preformed. It is no one business of how many abortions she had.

If she has a life threatening disease and can cause harm to him then she has legally bound to disclose that information because that is a deadly weapon and attempted murder.

Abortion is not a life and death case nor it doesn't
Mean she can't get pregnant again. He doesn't love her unconditionally because that is not something to leave a relationship for especially if he never inquired about it!

Women don't go around telling the world they have had abortions and she told him before marriage! He has a choice to deal or deal....many don't even get an opportunity before marriage!

nwachivis:
Please nairalanders help me out.I am not an expert when it comes to writing,but i will still manage to drive home my point to the best of my capacity.

I proposed marriage just of recent to my spouse and went ahead with the family introduction.I have ever since been making preparations for the wedding.

I had told her in our previous interactions that i cancelled the marriage preparations with my ex when she told me she had once aborted a baby for her ex,which made her bleed for days.she told me back then that she was scared her womb was damaged because the pregnancy was 3 months old when she carried out the abortion.she pleaded with me to still marry her,reminding me of God's ability to perform miracles,even though she admitted that it was a difficult thing for any african man to do.I immediately called it quit between the both of us and moved on to my current spouse.

Just yesterday in one of our outings,my fiancée opened up to me that she once had an abortion in the past.she begged me not to call it "quit” with her,assuring me that no damage was done.

Am confused here because i can't handle the trauma of childlessness and a lot has been going through my mind. I love her and she loves me too.

Please advice me.

Do i continue with the marriage ?
Do i accept that it is my destiny to settle down with
a lady that has done abortion in the past ?
Do i insist she get pregnant for me before our wedding ?
Do i just go ahead and marry her with a positive
mindset ?

Please help me out of this quagmire..

If having kids is so important to you then you need to focus on a woman that can have kids but here is the thing....children are a blessing from God and God will not give you kids if you are not ready or destined to have kids.

You can get a virgin that has never been infected and still not have children. You need to be spiritually ready to receive children and be it the will of God.

You want the love foremost...why have children with someone you truly are not compatible or in love with? You will divorce and drag tour children from women to women as you finally find your rib.

People focus on things that are not important and neglected what is important . Once you do that everything else will fall in place.

What I'd more important to you? Children or true love and companionship?

jaybee3:
Who dey teach you yoruba?

I don miss you die

Welcome back

How are the little ones?

I missed you sha! The pikins are good! I am back and fully recharged!