₦airaland Forum

1 of your students...ode graduate.

.

Nice pointing that out but I think we should be easier on people as he may be posting from a phone, auto correct, etc. Most people also don't feel it's worth it to be over editing "on top" a faceless forum and also from my experience, intelligence and diction don't necessarily correlate. What's even funnier is that being the best in speech making and being successful don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Once again, thanks for pointing that out.

JrizzyJosh:
thanks bruh, but it doesn't work on my phone galaxy s3

Open your mail with chrome, Firefox or uc browser but not opera mini. download the pdf and then open. make sure you have a pdf reader installed e.g. adobe, office suite, and open it there. voila!!. hope this helps.

onismate:
jrizzyjosh iamphilips rchilee olusharp mufuteeeee . I have sent ur ecopy to ur email.. Please don't forget to say something here.

Thanks. I've finished the book. learnt a lot. very captivating and well written. It further reinforced my fears about Nigerians and their fetish ways. many Nigerians are envious, fetish and dubious. I tire, even for friends and family members.

onismate:
Merry christmas to everyone I hope you are enjoying yourself as much as i do !
well am giving away five (5) copies of this story CONFESSION OF A FUNAAB YAHOO BOY; THE TALES OF GBADEBO, The full story. I am giving away five copies to five people here for free as we mark the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. To win it, you just answer this question...
**** What is the name popularly called Gbadebo's girlfriend by his friends in the story?
drop your answers with your email address. i go only select first 5 right answers.

merry christmass

The name Gbadebo's girlfriend is popularly called in the story is "Funke kpomo lips". My email is **********@gmail.com. Thanks

cc onismate

xfire:
Of course, networking and getting to know/meet influential people is a valid way of getting jobs which is applicable everywhere in the world including Nigeria. That was clearly mentioned in my 4th point.
However, not having influential contacts is not enough reason for one to adopt fatalistic view about employment in Nigeria. One can still get a job without knowing anyone. I am a witness myself.
That being said, even the rich and influential still send their children to the best schools in the world despite the fact that they have all the connections in the world. Go and check the children of Obasanjo, Atiku and the rest. One of OBJ's daughter used to be a top engineering supervisor in one of the top oil companies in Nigeria before she went abroad to further her education. This is because there are other qualities that money and connection can not offer you.

Cheers....!

Nigerians are just dso funny!!! You listed connection skills in no. 4, yet they would want to adopt a fatalistic view that no connection no job. Maybe that's why they are still unemployed because they can't read simple text. Also, many falil to improve themselves. It is difficult to get a good job but far from impossible!!

Louislewis:
[size=18pt]All these listed points are the major reasons why our nation is not moving forward and the nation will never, I repeat, will never grow if this trend continue. We are misplacing prorities for employment. It will continue to generate more of unemployment and the best output from those employed can never be achieved. What is happening in Nigeria today is just like an adage that says, "We have a lot of feet on the ground, but no movement" It is not like this in other countries. I weep for this country.[/size]

I like this your write up. Can you please explain further?

cc Louislewis

Big_Lebowski: Their prophet was murdered by his closest ally and inlaw(sic). Abu Bakr who later became one of the first caliphs conspired with his daughter Aisha to poison her husband.

Such is life in Islam.

What is your evidence?? The prophet died a peaceful death. That surely must be from one of this anti-islamic fake sites. You can get to the nearest Islamic bookshop or easier still, go to reputable islamic sites to get your facts straight. Even Wikipedia will not be so demeaning in its verdict on Islam. You may also ask a knowledgeable Muslim in your area...

Callotti: Oturugbeke o!

Whose son?
Is He son of God the father or God the holy Ghost because what I can see in the bible is that the power of the Holy Spirit will
come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. (Luke1:35) and will give birth to a son.
So it should be Holy Ghost the father, Holy Ghost the Son and ?

John the Baptist and Isaac (PBUT) were also born miraculously.
Adam has a greater claim to be called Son of God going by your analogy.


I would like You to Google : Mithra, Osiris, Apollonius of Tyana, Krishna, Adonis, Horus, Sargon, Buddha, Dionysus, Attis .

Also 2Kings 19 and Isaiah 37.

You must have heard it said that we were born in sin – and perhaps you even believe that. But let’s think about that for a
moment. Would the Just God blame you for a sin you never committed? Would He hold you responsible for what someone else
did? Definitely not! God’s book teaches that you are responsible for only your own actions. You cannot sin until you do
something wrong. And you certainly could not have done wrong before you were even born.
Yet we often meet people who say that we are somehow born in sin. Could that possibly be true? They say that the first
human being, Adam, sinned and through him sin entered the world; and now sin corrupts everything, including every newborn
baby. Can you believe that human beings are condemned before they do anything? Which judge would condemn people for
crimes they never committed? A just judge cannot do that except by mistake. But what about God? Would He make such a
mistake? We cannot imagine such false ideas about God. He is Just. He holds you responsible for what you do, and He does not
blame you for what the first human being did. But, even after you do wrong, God is always willing to forgive. He is full of loving
kindness, and He loves to forgive. He is willing to forgive anyone who turns to Him and seeks forgiveness. This means that if
you did something wrong you can still turn back to God and He will forgive you, if you sincerely decide to give up that sin. Isn’t
this refreshing to know? Isn’t it wonderful to know that even if we lived a whole life of sin but we decide now to change our lives
and obey God He would forgive us this minute? And that’s just between us and God. We don’t need any confession box, and we
don’t need anyone to suffer for our sins. Can we resist the loving kindness that God is offering us? God wants us to know about
His love. He wants us to know that He is Just. He wants us to know the truth about Him so that when we turn to Him we know
to Whom we are turning. But there is so much misinformation about God. Where can we get correct information about Him?
God told us about Himself in His book. We owe it to ourselves to see what God has to say about Himself. Shouldn’t you be
reading God’s book? Here’s God’s message to you in His book : O mankind! Now has a proof from your Lord come unto you, and
We have sent down unto you a clear light; as for those who believe in God and hold fast unto Him, them will He cause to enter
into His Mercy and Grace, and will guide them unto Him by a straight road. (Qur’an 4:174-175). The Qur’an is God’s final book,
which He revealed for the guidance of all humankind.

All prophets (PBUT) preached salvation based on sincere repentance and personal good deeds. Never did they preach "substitutionary"
punishment or a person being punished for the sins of others. It is after they leave that "self-appointed" apostles come to corrupt it.
Christianity has gone through a lot of councils, reformations, counter-reformations, persecutions, emperors, popes, "Men of God",
schisms, apostasy, inquisitions, heresies, wars that what we have today has little resemblance to what the Messiah,
Son of Mary (Peace Be Upon Him) taught.
That is why we have over 30,000 different christian sects (and counting!) today with different doctrines, beliefs about Jesus(PBUH), God, Holy Ghost, Trinity, Speaking in Tongues, Salvation, Mode of Worship, Canon and bible, saints, festivals, baptism and everything else that can be differed upon which leads us to the question: Are they all these differences and contradictory messages from Jesus or are they man-made doctrines developed long after Jesus (PBUH)?

But the problem is when one is not even interested in searching out for the truth himself but just prefers to follow our parents or community
beliefs blindly. Today is a great day to enter an Islamic bookshop and buy a book on Islam by a Muslim. You don't judge a religion by the people
but the people by the religion. Islam is not what some muslims are doing but what all muslims are meant to be doing.

Let me give you a tip here: Islam is the only non-christian faith that makes it compulsory to believe in Jesus(PBUH).
No Muslim is a Muslim if He doesn't believe in Jesus (PBUH)
We believe in all His miracles i.e He raised the dead (by the permission of God), He healed the blind and the leper (by the permission of God).
He was born miraculously by Virgin Mary without a father.
He is the Messiah (Annointed One) the Jews were expecting.
He was filled with the holy spirit right from birth and is one of the mightiest messengers of God.
He preached the Gospel (Good News) which was a mercy to the hard-hearted children of Isreal.

Muhammad(PBUH) is mentioned by name only 5 times in the Quran while Jesus(PBUH) was mentioned 25 times.
There are more miracles of Jesus (PBUH) in the Quran than in the bible.
A whole chapter of the Quran (Chapter 19) is devoted to Mary and She is the only woman mentioned by name in the Quran.
And many more. Don't let the biased media and the actions of some deviant Muslims put You away from studying islam from the right source.
A whole lot of people accepted islam after making a non-prejudiced study of islam.

Excellent questions about Trinity from "Ghostwriter" to Christians:

The following is an email I received from "Ghostwriter"; may Allah Almighty further Guide him to the Truth of Islam.

Note: "PBUH!" means "peace be upon him", which is something Muslims always say after a Prophet's name.

From: Ghostwriter
To: truthspeaks@answering-christianity.com
Subj: Letter from a Christian who agrees with you and cites with gratitude Quran 2:62
Date: 1/18/2003 6:48:58 PM Eastern Standard Time

*Thank you* for all your excellent work on the web site. Those of us who followed Jesus (PBUH!) first and then came upon the Noble Quran know that there is one great religion, and that Jesus (PBUH!) and Muhammad (PBUH!) were both messengers of that religion.

Questions and observations I have for fellow Christians who have not yet actually read the Noble Quran include the following. Perhaps you could post them on your site.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN HE WHOM THE APOSTLES FOLLOWED:

1- Where, specifically, in the Gospel does Jesus (PBUH!) mention the Trinity?

(If you find no such reference from his lips to a god residing in three persons -- and you will not -- then perhaps you will be moved to consider the following questions

2- How could Jesus (PBUH!) possibly have omitted to mention something of such extraordinary importance?

* How could the authors of the four Gospels have made the same extraordinary omission?

(For no direct reference to the Trinity appears in any chapter or verse of any of the four Gospels. It is a patching-on from a later era.)

3- Why does Jesus (PBUH!) in the Lord's prayer address the Lord as "Father" and then refer to the Father's children throughout as "Us" and "We," instead of separating himself from the rest of the children of God, as the Trinity would seem to demand?

4- (And here, brothers and sisters, is the big question, the question that takes no small degree of courage to address honestly If redemption through the blood of Christ, that one member of the Trinity, is all that is necessary for salvation, how are we to explain the many, many occasions in the Gospel that Jesus (PBUH!) details the necessity of submitting directly to the One God -- without ever mentioning the role of his (Jesus', PBUH!) redeeming blood?

Brothers and sisters: Are these not extraordinary teachings? Are they not central to the ministry of Jesus (PBUH!)? And must we not confront dozens of them in order to defend the Trinity and the notion of the sacrificial Christ?



I am thinking, specifically, of:

1. His instruction to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind." (Matthew 22:27.) -- Jesus [PBUH!] identifies this submission to the One God as the *supreme* commandment, and yet for some reason he makes no mention within it of the sacrificial Christ or to one god in three persons, which are supposedly central to his ministry! Quite an oversight! Or are we to assume that Jesus [PBUH!] never actually uttered these words about the supreme commandment?

2. His parable of the Prodigal Son. This contains no reference whatsoever to the sacrificial Christ, or to any intermediary whatsoever for salvation. And the parable certainly makes no reference to the repentant son returning from his sinful journey to a father who takes the form of three persons. He returns to ONE father, not three. Surely we must either conclude that this, the most celebrated of the parables, has nothing to do with the Trinity or with the notion of a sacrificial Christ -- or, if we wish to retain the Trinity and the notion of a sacrificial Christ, we must conclude that this is not an authentic teaching of Jesus [PBUH!]. Brothers and sisters, fellow Christians -- which is it to be?

3. His instruction to become as children (humble, trusting, submitting to the Lord) in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. (See Matthew 18:3.) There is no mention here of the sacrificial Christ as necessary to this entry to the Kingdom, and certainly no mention of one god in three persons! Again: Are we to believe that this is not an authentic teaching of Jesus [PBUH!]? We must assume such a position if we wish to support the Trinity and the notion of a sacrificial Christ.

4. His insistence on the importance of the individual's development of personal faith, without intermediaries, in the One God. This, my brothers and sisters, is Islam! If that word frightens us, or if we wish to make ourselves feel more comfortable with the actual content of this divine ministry, sidestepping for the moment its verbal labels, we may call it "Jesus' ministry" or "Jesus' teachings." (PBUH!) But his ministry is manifestly one of submission to the One God, and we must think long and hard about the consequences of rejecting it in its true form. There are dozens of examples of such Gospel teachings about the development of STRONG individual faith WITHOUT INTERMEDIARIES, among them Matthew 6:23, 7:7, 17:20, Mark 11:23, Luke 9: 61-62, Luke 15:8, etc. etc. -- and yet there is no mention in any of these or the many other such passages of the sacrificial Christ or of one god in three persons! Is not this a remarkable fact? How are we to account for it?

Brothers and sisters, I ask you as one who has closely studied the Gospel of Jesus (PBUH!) for thirty years: What kind of faith can we claim to be developing through the religion that bears this man's name, if such faith is at variance with what he actually taught? Why, in other words, did Jesus (PBUH!) bother to teach his followers -- you and I, brothers and sisters -- of the growth of the mustard seed, of the woman who seeks for the ten silver pieces, of the impossibility of being fit for the Kingdom of God for one who sets his hand to the plough and then keeps looking back -- why did he pronounce all these extraordinary exhortations to PERSONAL, UNMEDIATED faith in the One God, if all of them are to be superseded by his own unique personal role as a member of the Trinity and his personal blood-sacrifice for a sinful humanity? Again, we must choose whether we are to accept the Trinity and the notion of a sacrificial Christ, or we must choose to accepts the teachings of Jesus (PBUH!) concerning personal faith in the One God.

It is not a difficult choice, brothers and sisters.

There are, we would all agree, many corruptions in the New Testament. There are many points where the various texts contradict themselves or send strange messages patched on in later years. Yet if we read the texts carefully, we can identify those portions of the text that illuminate Jesus' actual ministry on earth. It is clearly a ministry that preaches submission to the One God.

Brothers and sisters -- seek carefully out the words of the man we have for so long called the Lord, and remember his words to us: "Why do you say Lord, Lord, and not do what I say?"

This is an excellent question!

Ghostwriter

Ruth Isaac: OP
nice writeup, keep it up. But 2 b sincere n honest, a muslim girl friend of mine has once told me, dat as a muslim, if u try n Kill even jst one non-muslim, u will enter d Kingdom of Allah, dat is (Paradise awaits u whn u die) n i asked her if she can also kill me, since am not a muslim, but she laugh n said, No because we re friends she cant do dat. Now tell me, is there TWO diff type Islam n we dnt kw? So me as a person, has dis bliv dat a, Muslim can kill a non muslim any day, any time. So jst as u hv d bliv dat Islam is peaceful, dat is d same way other Muslims bliv, in killing 4 Allah.

Misinformation. Islam abhors violence. There are many authentic narrations from the prophet that states that the prophet himself will clearly fight a muslim that spills the blood of an innocent non-muslim on the day of resurrection. But when non-muslims(especially christians are not interested in learning the truth) but just love to repeat the false misconceptions, gross deceptions and blatant lies their missionaries, evangelists, MOGs, prosperity preachers and motivational speakers are reeling out to them. You may be born-again many times but make sure you don't die except as a muslim(the religion of all prophets Abraham, Moses, Elijah , John The Baptist, Jesus, Mohammed who were never trinitarians nor believers in a salvation by bloody sacrifice of a man or man-god or god-man or God become flesh but believe and teach others to worship the one and only true God that does not have mother, cousin).
Why I am usually happy is that in spite of all the media bias and propaganda against muslims(though there are some bad eggs in the muslims) many truth seekers revert back to the logical conclusion of the abrahamic faith (i.e Judaism, Christianity and finally Islam).
Anyone not blinded by prejudice and and pure hatred of islam will know that boko haram is a political, economic, social, ethnic and not a religious crises but are only hiding under the guise of islam to perpetrate their act and serve the cause of their masters which is just to destabilize Nigeria. The Al-Qaeda has a lot of factors behind it but we should ask America to explain the over 500,000 Iraqis it has killed and uncountable no. of women they have raped in the name of keeping peace.
The enemies of Islam right from the birth of Islam have always been looking for one thing or the other to tarnish the image of islam ranging from persecution, annihilation, distorting history, falsified images and outright blatant lies. But the more they try, the more islam grows because Allah the ever-living God that does not rest or die for a second let alone 3 days is the guard and support of it and it will surely conquer the world from its humble beginnings of a 1-man message of Muhammad to a worldwide phenomenon boasting of Indonesians, Malaysians, and all other places where the logical teachings of Islam have captured their hearts.

Christians are raised to hate Muhammad and his religion but a sincere seeker of truth will see that the christians have comitted far more atrocities but habits die hard. Whoever God wants to guide to the truth, He will make the person understand islam. We muslims owe a duty to educate the people on islam that as the Messiah son of Mary (PBUH) has nothing to do with gay pastors or those that embezzle their church funds or those that sleep with their church members (especially their choir), Islam too has nothing to do with all this recently created bad-image but when one is not even willing to learn the truth.

Akhwat Akkwop
http://freetruth.50webs.org/D3.htm
http://christianwatchindia./category/christian-genocide

Suppose that someone observed Jesus two-thousand years ago, and he left this planet, or he went to sleep for two-thousand years an returned today to look for the followers of Jesus, who would he find? Who would he recognize? Christians? I conclude with just this food for thought: the Bible says very clearly that Jesus used to fast. Do Christians fast? Muslims fast; it is obligatory on month every year. The Bible says that Jesus prayed by touching his forehead to the ground. Do Christians pray in this manner? Muslims do. It is characteristic of their prayer and no one on earth is probably ignorant of that fact.

According to Jesus, he told his disciples to greet one another with the expression, “Peace be with you.” Do the Christians do that? Muslims do, universally, whether they speak Arabic of not. The greeting for one to another is Assalamu’ alaikum (peace be with you).

The brother of Jesus in the Book of James, stated that no man should suggest what he is about to do of highlight his plans for the next few days in anyway without adding the phrase “if God wills.” Do not say “I will go here and there do this and that” without adding the phrase “if God wills.” Do Christians do that? Muslims do, whether they speak Arabic or not. If they so much as suggest they are going downtown to pick up some groceries, they will add Insha-Allah, which in Arabic means, “If God wills.”shadowofears

Suppose that someone observed Jesus two-thousand years ago, and he left this planet, or he went to sleep for two-thousand years an returned today to look for the followers of Jesus, who would he find? Who would he recognize? Christians? I conclude with just this food for thought: the Bible says very clearly that Jesus used to fast. Do Christians fast? Muslims fast; it is obligatory on month every year. The Bible says that Jesus prayed by touching his forehead to the ground. Do Christians pray in this manner? Muslims do. It is characteristic of their prayer and no one on earth is probably ignorant of that fact.

According to Jesus, he told his disciples to greet one another with the expression, “Peace be with you.” Do the Christians do that? Muslims do, universally, whether they speak Arabic of not. The greeting for one to another is Assalamu’ alaikum (peace be with you).

The brother of Jesus in the Book of James, stated that no man should suggest what he is about to do of highlight his plans for the next few days in anyway without adding the phrase “if God wills.” Do not say “I will go here and there do this and that” without adding the phrase “if God wills.” Do Christians do that? Muslims do, whether they speak Arabic or not. If they so much as suggest they are going downtown to pick up some groceries, they will add Insha-Allah, which in Arabic means, “If God wills.”shadowofears

Suppose that someone observed Jesus two-thousand years ago, and he left this planet, or he went to sleep for two-thousand years an returned today to look for the followers of Jesus, who would he find? Who would he recognize? Christians? I conclude with just this food for thought: the Bible says very clearly that Jesus used to fast. Do Christians fast? Muslims fast; it is obligatory on month every year. The Bible says that Jesus prayed by touching his forehead to the ground. Do Christians pray in this manner? Muslims do. It is characteristic of their prayer and no one on earth is probably ignorant of that fact.

According to Jesus, he told his disciples to greet one another with the expression, “Peace be with you.” Do the Christians do that? Muslims do, universally, whether they speak Arabic of not. The greeting for one to another is Assalamu’ alaikum (peace be with you).

The brother of Jesus in the Book of James, stated that no man should suggest what he is about to do of highlight his plans for the next few days in anyway without adding the phrase “if God wills.” Do not say “I will go here and there do this and that” without adding the phrase “if God wills.” Do Christians do that? Muslims do, whether they speak Arabic or not. If they so much as suggest they are going downtown to pick up some groceries, they will add Insha-Allah, which in Arabic means, “If God wills.”

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperrm cells."

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question, "

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also,

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc….

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer,

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times, (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993, )

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now, but who knows. So please forward.

Boss interviewing girls for Secretary position
Question: A Woman Normally has 2 Mouths! What’s the difference between the 2?

The 1st answered: 1 can talk But The other can′t.

2nd answered: 1 is Vertical and The other is Horizontal.

3rd answered: 1 is Hairy, The other isn′t.

The Last 1 answered: 1 is for My Use & The Other is for My Boss!

Boss: “Yes, You’re Hired!”

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door.

He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife d0ggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard on her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looked at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"






The teacher at the beginning of the class says:

"OK kids, we are going to talk about sexual education today. First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on, "

Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention. But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on,

", First, a man a woman have to be in love, " But little Johny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.

The teacher ignores him, ", They have to be very much in love because, "

But now little Johnny even starts making noise with his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him:

" OK, little Johnny. What do you want to say."

Little Johnny then stands up, and says:

"I just wanted to ask, Those of us who have already bleeped, can we leave?"





Girl says: It’s unfair that if a guy fcuks a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl fcuks just two guys in a year, she’s a slut.
Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.





A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!". The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a Mouth Gig!". "Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!". The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!".





A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".





A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector.
Friend: How was your first night?
Man: She charged 10000 from me for over speeding, 20000 for wrong side entry and Rs. 50000 for no helmet.






A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

@PretiEbony , Thanks and don't mind Ajibel.

John
John had been in prison for only three months when he got into a fight with another prisoner who sliced off John’s ear with a knife. A short time later he got tonsillitis and had his tonsils removed. Then John got a mouth infection and had to have six teeth extracted. Soon after that,his hand got slammed in a door & he had to have the tips of three fingers amputated. A few weeks later John had appendicitis and his appendix was taken out.

It was at this point that the prison warden went to the Governor of the Prison and warned “I think John is escaping bit by bit.





Drunk men
Three drunk men entered a taxi. the taxi driver knew that they were drunk,so he started the engine and turned it off again. He told them.

“We have reached the place.

The first guy gave him money and the second guy said “thank u.” The third guy gave the driver a slap.The driver was shocked, thinking the their guy knew what he did. But he asked “what’s that for?.” The third guy replied, “CONTROL your SPEED NEXT TIME. YOU ALMOST KILLED US!

Woman caught speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.




Greek and Italian discussing who had superior culture

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Mormon seated next to Irishman on a flight
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Guy dies and finds himself in hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon,
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca,  we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow, that's, awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever,  If you go Bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?,
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gaay?
Guy: No,
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."




After wandering for two weeks in a forest, two ants came accross a pleasant cave. It was wet but it was a welcome change from the jungle.
The first ant decided to go in and check things out. Shortly after he entered, a worm crept into the hole and began to hit him. He fought for his life until after giving the worm a vicious bite, it vomitted white blood and withdrew.
Sweating and panting , he managed to drag himself outside to meet his brother.
'Why didn't you help me when that worm attacked me?' he accused.
'Just a worm?' the second ant asked. 'I was assaulted by two giant balls outside!'




A bank manager got confused with his calculations, so he asked his secretary to help out, "I have $23,000,000, what will you take off to get 25%" And his secretary replied "Sir, honestly, I will take off my blouse, my skirt, my bra even my pants!!




Dirty Whale swimming with girlfriend
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know, "

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the bl0wj0b, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."






A COUPLE THAT HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR 20YRS WERE BOTH RECENTLY DIAGNOSED OF HAVING DIABETES,  FINDING LATER SHOWED THAT THEY BOTH CONTACTED THE DISEASE AS A RESULT OF THE NAMES THEY CALLED EACH OTHER,  LIKE: HONEY PIE, SWEETIE, SUGAR, SWEET HEART, HOT CHOCOLATE, E.T.C

SO PLEASE PREVENT DIABETES BY STARTING EARLY, BY CALLING YOUR SPOUSE NAMES LIKE: YOYO BITTERS, CHLOROQUINE, PEPPER FRUIT, ALABUKUN, OTUTUPOYOYO, ATAWEWE, SWEDISH BITTERS, BITTER LEAF, BITTER LEMON, DONGOYARO, OROORO, OROKI, EPA IJEBU, ASETU, E.T.C

HAVE A HEALTHY AND SUGAR-FREE ROMANTIC LIFE, LOOOL





There were two friends one name peter and other paul.
peter borrowed  paul some money, paul refused to pay
so,they were fighting [meanwhile a man was watching their fight]
paul killed him self so that he will not pay,peter killed himself so
he can collect his money the man watching found the fight intresting
so he killed himself so he can see the end of there fighting .





The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"




What do women do all day?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife, He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went,

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it, "




Poetry In Bed
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Good: Your daughter has a job.

Bad: As a stripteaser.

Worse: Your office colleagues are her biggest clients.

Way Worse: She earns more than you.

A few more :

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills

Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Worse: You're in them.


Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.

Bad: It's over five years old.

Worse: Your daughter's the star.


Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad : He's a cross dresser.

Worse: He looks better than you.


Good: Your son's finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Worse: So are you.


Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Worse: With corrections.


Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Worse: She's a lawyer.


Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want.

Bad: Because she's leaving you.

Worse: For another woman


Good: The postman's early

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.


Good: The Teacher Likes your son.

Bad: Sexually

Worse: The teacher is a man


Good: You came home for a quickie

Bad: The postman had the same idea

Worse: There's 5 guys in line.


Good: You finally get a night out.

Bad: You're seen by the town gossip going into a strip show.

Worse: Your daughter is the headliner

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a He.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.

Recipe: How To Make Love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Tantalizers yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Some one gave me a 100 naira note yesterday.

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth 1,000 naira , And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money. So the manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him, I gave the 100 naira note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an id1ot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Dev1l were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Dev1l started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Dev1l.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Dev1l.
The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The id1ot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Dev1l brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Dev1l did just that. The id1ot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the id1ot, "it's from my ass hole."
And the id1ot went to Heaven.

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children,
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.