₦airaland Forum

President Sege gets an 'invite' from the Queen to come and visit her in England.

One afternoon while drinking tea, he asks her what was the secret of her success?

She tells him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she must be certain that they are intelligent.

She decides to show him exactly what she means and phones Tony Blair,

"Now listen carefully, Mr Obasanjo, I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question to determine his intelligence."

Queen:"Oh hello Mr Blair, I have a question for you;

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. This child is not your brother and is not your sister. Who is he?"

Tony Blair: "It's ME!"

Queen:"Correct, Excellent, Thank you, Bye"

Queen: "Did you get that Mr. Obasanjo?"

Obasanjo: "Yes. Tanks a lot! I'll definitely be using that!"

Back in Nigeria, he decides that he has doubts about Dr. Chuka Okadigbo and he's going to ask him the question.

He arranges a meeting with him and asks him:

Dr. Okadigbo, I have e question for you. Yo mother has e child. And yo father has e child. Is not yo brother, and is not yo sister, Who ees eet?"

Dr. Okadigbo thinks, And he thinks, "Em, You must geeve me some time to think about eet, "

Mr. Obasanjo decides to give him a day to come up with the correct answer.

That afternoon, Dr Okadigbo calls a Senate Meeting to discuss the question and get an answer. But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Okadigbo family tree, to no avail.

The next morning, He realises that he has to give Obasanjo an answer and as a last resort, he decides to phone Jerry Rawlings,

Okadigbo"Jerry, yo mother has e child. Yo father has e child. Is not yo brother, and not yo sister, Who ees eet?"

Jerry, answers immediately: "hey, chalay, It's me of course, you dumb Nigerian!"

Okadigbo rushes to Aso Rock (Obasanjo's office), very impressed to know the answer to such a difficult question!

"Mr President, I know! I know who eet ees! Eets Jerry Rawlings!"

Obasanjo: "NO. You ah so stupeed. Eet is TONY BLAIR, !".

Are you an Ajebota or a 'Paki?
12 ways to make the determination

If you step on a nail and bleed, you might be �Bota,
If you step on a nail and BEND IT, you're �Paki!

If you see the words Madam, Sir or Esq. after your folks name on an envelope, you might be an ajebota,
But, if people refer to your folks as either "Iya-beji", "Mama-baby", "Mama-Chukwudi", or "Baa Lamidi", you are NOT ajebota!

If you have your home periodically fumigated with scentless pest repellants so it's virtually roach and termite free, you might be an Ajebota,
But, if your aim with either your Cortina or Skoll can nail a flying cockroach to the wall, you're an Ajepaki!

If your folks carry wallets and purses, you're possibly an Ajebota,,
But if your mom reaches into her bra to get money in the glaring eyes of the public, your Paki is level 5!

If you have a borehole installed in your compound for year round water supply, you might be an Ajebota, ,
But if either you have a 'kanga' irrigation system or the middle of your head is hairless due to having logged over 65,000miles from hauling pails of water, you're an Ajepaki!

If, after using the bathroom, you have an assorted barrage of scented toilet tissues to choose from, you just might be an Ajebota,,
But if you use water to 'tamba' ya self, you're an Ajepaki!

If you brush, rinse, gargle and floss, you just might be an Ajebota,
But if, after chewing your Pako,you can spit the pako-paste 40 yards, your pakiness is considered level 10!

If you had underwear that had the elastic bands at the waistline, you could be an ajebota,,
But if your underwear looks like the flag of Ghana and has a drawstring, you're DEFINITELY PAKI!

If you happened to have wandered into a neighborhood during Ileya and got amazed by the fact that people found ram-fights amusing, you might be an Ajebota, ,
But if YOU took the ram to fight after feeding it 'igbo', you are definitely a paki!

If your home has sophisticated theft deterrent systems like barbed-wires, dogs, a camera and an alarm system, you just might be an Ajebota,,
But if people are scared to scale your fence because of widely spread rumors of your folks having installed a SHIGIDI' (whatever that is), you're an Ajepaki!

If you go to a hair salon in Naija to get your do, you just might be a �bota,,
But if you and your 'onidiri' sit for six hours on an Apoti under a tree while she did your hair, you're PAKI!

Finally, if you and your mate know what pre-intimacy means, you just might be a �bota,,
But if you try pre-intimacy with your woman and she replies impatiently: "Baa Karimu, E se' nte' se, E ye f'ori Omu si E', you are a PAKI!!

International Dating Etiquette

White-American Woman
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

African-American Woman
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!

Irish Woman
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Italian Woman
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

Jewish Woman
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

Middle Eastern Woman
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.

Latina Woman
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Polish Woman
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

Korean Woman
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

East-Indian Woman
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

Nigerian Women
Yoruba
First date: You take her to an Owambe Party, naturally she does not put on an under wear. You have sex with her standing behind a car in the dark end of the street.
Second date: You meet her in a restaurant just ordering a plate of amala and two kpomo, she sees you and orders for salad, chicken, goat meet, turkey, etc. you go to her house and have sex.
Third date: She is pregnant, but not too sure who is responsible.

Ibo
First date: She tells you about her being the first born of the family, and has twelve others to take care of. She eats and drinks, no sex.
Second date: Her father is very sick and needs some money for urgent treatment. She shows you enough just to entice you.
Third date: She has never tried it before, you are going to be the first person; however, she has two kids at home, so promise you will marry me.

Hausa
First date: Get drunk, eat a lot of suya meat, have sex.
Second date: get drunk, eat meat, and have sex.
Third date: Get drunk, have sex; lets get married.

Rivers State
First date: Where do you work, oil or gas company?, Good, go to club, get drunk, have sex.
Second date: Pay for house rent, assist in setting up business. Play along, then off to her house, good sea food, and more sex.
Third date: Informs you of one or two previous kids she has for two different men, and then the big one; she is pregnant for you, consider marriage or my Ijaw brothers will be after you.

Cross Rivers
First date: Rather you eat at home, makes good delicious Edikankon soup with lots of fishes and meat. Cleans up the house everywhere sparkling even before you are out from the gents. Serves you the food nicely, with a lot of sweet soothing words. Goes to the room, makes the bed and bingo, have sex.
Second date: All your cloths washed, the house swept, moped, and dusted. Water to wash up after a hard days job Food is ready before you can change from your work cloth. Sweet words of praises, and swap; have an exhausting marathon sex.
Third date: Cloths washed, house clean as never before, food is ready and served as if in a restaurant, then another exhausting rounds of sex.
You are the one to now ask, "will you marry me".

Name:Mufutee VC
Birthday:April 26 199x
Status: single
HOBBY: collecting tiger's tooth, catching bullet with bare hands, assassinating bad guys,hunting Boko haram sect,
Jogging up & down mount everest.

My Record: fought with an elephant and broke its neck, skinned a crocodile, alive!played russian roulette, with full clips & still survived, killed Superman,made batman my errand boy, held my breathe under water for 2months,3weeks,6hrs, 51mins,45seconds, assassinated Adolf Hitler, Tupac, John .F kennedy, Abacha ( ∂ list is too long!)

Greatest Achievements: surfed on hot lava while d volcano was still erupting, Outran a cheetah, fluent in 10,598 languages, 1st African to land on the sun, Carried the pyramid of giza for 2days straight!

Silliest Thing DONe: Surfing on a tsunami.

EmbarraSSing Moment: couldn't kill 100 bears with a single punch only 99 died instantly and the 1 that was left died 2hrs later.

Proudest MoMEnts: when a cobra died after biting me, When I saved the planet by diverting an asteroid with just a kick,d day I had dinner wiv obama in ma crib.

Something ABOUt Me: I really don't like to show off. =))

In short, am destined to do great things! WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Have a GREAT DAY!!!!

A female teacher who all the class addresses as madam was having a
problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said "Madam, I
should be in 4th grade, I’m smarter than my sister and she's in 4th
grade". The Madam(teacher) had heard enough of d complain and took d boy
2 d principal's office. She explained everything 2 d principal who
decided 2 test d boy with sum questions that a 4th grade should know.


Principal: What is 3+3


Boy: 6


Principal: 6+6


Boy: 12


And so on, the principal asked d boy all questions and d boy got them
right. The principal then told d Madam 2 send d boy to 4th grade. Madam
decided 2 ask her questions and d principal agreed.


Madam: What does a cow have 4 of, that I’ve only 2 of


Boy: Legs


Madam: What is in ur pants that you've but I dnt have


Boy: pockets


Madam: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid


Boy: Coconut


Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky The
principal's eyes open really wide,but b4 he could stop d answer, the boy
was taking charge


Boy: Bubble gum


Madam: You stick ur poles inside me. You tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do


Boy: Tent


The principal was lookin restless


Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me wen u're bored. The best man always has me 1st


Boy: Weddin ring


Madam: I come in many sizes. Wen I’m nt well, I drip. Wen u blow me,you feel gud


Boy: Nose


Madam: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come wit a quiver


Boy: Arrow


Madam: What starts wit 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if u dnt get it, u've 2 use ur hand


Boy: Fork


Madam: What is it that all men ve,it's longer in sum men than others,the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage


Boy: surname


Madam: What part of d man has no bone but has muscles wit a lot of veins like pumpin and is responsible 4 makin luv


Boy: Heart


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said 2 d Madam 'Send the boy 2 University, I got the last ten questns wrong myself.

stevetboy9:
^^No mind him, he just wan register hin presence here

Reply ma post in the other thread now. For Mathematicians Only or are u ok with the answer @stevetboy9

e^(iθ)=cosθ+i(sinθ) [Euler's formula]

therefore: e^(inθ)=[cosθ+i(sinθ)]^n=cos(nθ)+isin(nθ) from law of exponents.

The first identity comes from expanding e^x=1 +x+ x2/2!+ x3/3! +x4/4! +x5/5! +xn/n! and replacing x with iθ. I think this should help

check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_Moivre%27s_formula. Everything is there.
Or tell me if U want more explanations.

bright007:
I am something your mum do not need me,catholic father do not need me,your father's sister has me but don't use me,your friend's father has me and uses me.wat am i

The answer is father's surname

@the_telz, Can I get to know u more??

Any engineering students in the building. Can we hook up? Drop ur matric number and ur name here. Mine is 100408008 and name is Akuruyejo mufutau.

@Biola, any which way now Command students plentyfor Lasgidi ooooo. It g good make u come sha s it go dey sweet. Like 10 command students dey engineering with me na. the school just dey sweet. U it come for monday make we see na.

abioila:
Mufutee alfa its me durojaiye abiola.alfa,u don bcom akokite now.wel am planin on leavn lasu for lag next year.dat wil b waste of 2 years.mufuti wetin u tink?

Biola, na wao, wetin happen to LASU why U no wan go again?? Anyhow, make U know say UNILAG no easy to enter. Make U take the JAMB form and If U get high score, make U come LAG but if the scores too low, make U just stick with LASU. Hoping to read from U soon.

Gracias Amigos.

I am also an akokite. Just got admitted in this year. Ma name is Akuruyejo Ayotunde Mufutau. I am in the department of electrical electronics an d the course I am going for is Computer Engineering. I am tired of all this coming and going to school. I have done other registration excluding health and final registration in the admission office. The process is just tiring. You won't have time for other things upon the transport fare. Is there anyone here that we can hook up in the school?? And what is going on about the hostel application stuffs?

Gracias Amigos.

A young medical doctor visited his old dad one day to spend the weekend. While relaxing under the mango tree in the evening, the dad asked ''Son, thank God you are here. What is this hues and cries i hear about HIV/AIDS? Is there no way one can do without contacting the dreaded dizease?''
The son answered '' Dad, it is possible. It is thru the use of condom. Once you wear the condom on your manhood, you are covered but, '' and suddely, they had a visitor and the discussion was halted and could not be concluded until the son left for the city the following day. He gave his dad a huge amount of money to spend and to expend on the on-going building project. The old man considered taking the money to the bank the following day, being Monday.
Suddenly in the night preceeding the Monday, armed robbers struck and woke the old man up. The man was so much afraid but one of the night marauders spoke to the old man ''Baba, u have two options: either give us the money and live or you keep the money and get an HIV-infested blood in this syringe injected into your body, so choose one'' he said in a harsh tone,

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!

Their site is no more opening

# This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really Hot after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real Hot and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.

The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

1. I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account.

This is my story, ,

It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle.

We were supposed to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me. Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed.

He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born chinese living in Germany and studying French.

I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo (my man), was trying hard to be British.

After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically, ,I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a $1,000 on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home.

My downfall, Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business.

They followed me to the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over. They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

A guy is in a hotel lobby. He bumps into a lady and turns around to apologize.

He says, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me."

The lady says, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 202!"

Girl:It’s 2 tight
Boy:Don’t worry,I’ll do it slowly,
Gal:Push it in,
Boy:Ah, I can’t,
Gal:It’s painful,
Boy:Forget it.
.
.
.
.
We’ll buy new WEDDING RING

Funny Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Q: What did the nut
say to the bolt?

A: Screw me.

universal law:

love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from
one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.



first law:

a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy.



second law:

the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance.



third law:

the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.

A baby mosquito came back after its 1st fight.
.
.
.
Dad asked: “how did u feel?”
.
.
.
It replied: “Dad it was wonderful. evry1 was clappin 4 me”

On a rainy day,
an old man was standing with a book for sale.
A young man came to buy.
He bought the book for Rs.3000.
Old man advised
“DONT OPEN LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK othrwise YOU’ll face problem”
Man finished the book with great fear but didnt open the last page.
.
.
.
But,after a week,
Out of curiousity he opend the last page and,
he almost fainted to see,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
Retail Price: Rs 30

Wots so special about grammies?

Senor Amigos