If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the, ?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes, Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life, quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm, )

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Well peeps the Christmas lunch went very well, all of the African food was eaten and there was actually left overs of the traditional lunch.

Many thanks for all your help.

nosillA xx

Thanks peeps, I have decided to make, stew, meat pies, scotch eggs, fried rice and plantain as well as traditional english Christmas lunch, I will let you all know how it went.

Merry Christmas xx

nosillA xx

@tomX ,

This really works, chew a little bit of fresh parsley after eating onions, it also works with garlic!

nosillA xx

@tomx . My partner and his family are Nigerian and from Lagos. I do make a very nice stew (unless he just says that to keep me happy lol).

@Leilah I have mailed you.

nosillA xx

This year I have my partners family as well as mine for Christmas lunch, although I am making traditional English food, I would love to offer Nigerian food also.

Can anyone help me here please, what things should I offer?

Thanks

nosillA xx

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A plane is on its way to Melbournewhen a blonde in economy
class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy
And that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use
and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her
seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him
what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell
me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to
sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either
you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.

Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It
is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you
got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was,
"You
look just like a girl!", but my mother raised me not to say anything,
if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite
meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating steak seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on
because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that
morning and your new silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for
Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my
sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.

Change is good.

Your such a sweetheart xx

Very Funny!

No botha, don't loose it ha x have a lovely holiday aswell x

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?



Little Old Lady:

I am 86 years old.



Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.



Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?



Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.



Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?



Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.



Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?



Little Old Lady:

No, I didn´t stop him.



Defense Attorney:

Why not?



Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.


Defense Attorney:

What happened next?



Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.



Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?



Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.



Defense Attorney:

Why not?



Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven´t felt that good in years!



Defense Attorney:

What happened next?



Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"



Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?



Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that´s when I shot him,


the little bastard.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I canno t wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
Bleep



P.S YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED

Im not sure if this is in the correct section. However, does anyone know where I can find a wholesaler for supermalt and plantain chips in the uk please.

I am wanting to buy this in bulk for a shop I have just opened in the Newcastle area.

If anyone can help please feel free to mail me allison_3829@yahoo.co.uk


many thanks

nosillA xx

Sorry can't make it. x

I miss and love you xx

I work to hard!

Im not a materialistic person.

nosillA xx

Well, my partner and I got back together.

He is in Lagos for the next 2 weeks and Im missing him like crazy.

@Na Wa

I dont know where they have gone, mind i did recieve a pm from admin saying to stop putting porn on

I ve been very busy here in Newcastle, business is very good!

Here's a few more to keep you all smiling,.

this is funny!

errrr, good sex

and more,

Here's a few more,

In my honest opinion I would say not at all.

nosillA xx

'pot of gold', in bed last night.

I love you to Bleep

My favourite colour is pink.