family6644:


You are right but I naturally will never see myself doing this, this is the reason for my long explanations, I find myself in the situation, I didn't plan for it or work it out. I never wanted it but note that my kids are involved but I guess now they can see for themselves

Sir, don't use your kids as excuse, you lost your wife just 3 months ago (LOST, not divorce) and you already on another lady, how can someone in a mourning state catch feelings?

The woman is already showing you hell, once you marry her, your kids are done for.

family6644:
I need serious advise from experienced nairalanders, please forgive my lengthy message because it requires detailed explanations.

I lost my wife exactly 3 months ago, 4 years of relationship and 13 years of marriage with her before she passed on, she left behind 3kids, 13yr old girl 7yr and 3yr old boys. I understand marriages are full of their challenges but we have been through the journey and we came out victorious having a loving and happy home, a union other partners appreciates.

My late wife was so organized and we trainned my kids to be independent while she travels on local business trips. So I just needed to continue our family habit of buying and stocking everything at home while they manage themselves with the help of an older maid who has been part of the family for many years, in short, we are faring quite well as I continue to mourn my wife and carry on with life.

Here is the problem, from a lot of condolence messages coming in on my Facebook, I had the chance to reply some of them 2weeks ago, I met this single mother of two who invited my kids to her daughter's birthday party, i was reluctant but she said it is time to start taking the kids out since they are yet to resume school, exactly what they needed at that point was the usual outing which has been missing for a while since their mother's sickness and after her demise, approx 6months in total. She said it's not a loud party that she needed only my kids for the small sitting room party.

I decided, went to the party with the kids, it was fun for the kids, I have not seen them happy like that in a long while, it made me happy too, they fell in love with the two sisters and their mother all like a miracle, my little 3year old boy started calling her mommy, others follow and it all seem like a family reunion. We left late at night with her girls asking that they meet again the next day which was a Sunday. To cut it short, my kids and hers agreed to meet the next day except for me. To be honest, the lady is a nice and lovely person to be with, she's a realtor who can work from home, she's real and beautiful, she has been a single mother for 4yrs after her husband travelled out and abandoned them to marry another woman, that's according to her.

She called me that her kids could not allow her rest, they said if we can't come, she should bring them to our house, I mildly rejected but i was persuaded by my daughter and my first son to have them around, I could see that they have bonded quite well, I want my kids to be happy too, that's what I have always wanted for them so I agreed and gave them our address. To cut the story short, I find it impossible to separate the two families that has come together to become one, when they were leaving back to their house my kids pleaded with me to allow them go with mommy to her house, I understand that is real because she's lovely with kids. I had the confidence to trust my kids with someone for the first time in my life. They didn't want to come back, I had to go and pick them up the next day, all of them made sure they came back home with me, we started living together as a family and everyone was enjoying it.

It became an automatic affair with her, I was worried about it been too early, I had to involve few of my friends to seek opinions, some were happy that i could get a good mother for my kids this soon, others asked me to stop the family union and give it a little time to study her character. I suggested some space but she felt very bad, she thinks I am sending them away. I had to allow them stay while I use the opportunity to observe the new found love and family.

12days after, I realize that in a bid to reorganize me and help me to move ahead in life, she totally disregards anything that concerns my late wife whom I still hold dear to my heart, same as my daughter and my adopted daughter, I don't like to address her as a maid. We loved and cherished my late wife, everything she introduced seems to be strange to the norms of the family. If I try to raise my concerns for her to adjust, she will simply tell me that the dead is dead and I should just forget everything about her including whatever she stood for as a mother and wife.

If I try to talk some senses into her to make her understand that brooding over the dead is different from honouring and respecting the deseased, she gets really angry claiming I am comparing her with a dead person. Whatever she discovers as our way of doing things in the family she disregards it and replaces it with her own way without minding how we feel as a family or how easy or difficult it is for us to adjust.

It looks like we are the only ones tolerating and accommodating them here, I have tried with no avail to stop her from insulting the memory of my late wife. I discussed with each and everyone at home, they all wish I could perform a miracle to have them leave because no one can tolerate the mother and kids anymore, I am equally fed up myself and willing to take a break.

I have a friend who is aware of my problems with her, he told me that I am the problem here, he said it will be hard for any woman to fit into our family way of doing things and it will be difficult for us to cope with a different way of life introduced by another woman.

I hope I can get one or two advices that could help. I am quite confused

That's why it's too early. 3 months is too fresh to forget your wife's memories and the new woman can't understand that. You should have taken your friend's advise to give it time. It was too quick to fill in the void rather than dealing with it.

It's just like heartbreak. When someone gets heart broken, it's best to heal rather than getting a rebound relationship to cushion the effect. Most times, it doesn't work.

The only option is to have the woman move with her kids. Why the hurry for her to fill in for your wife? Let her move out and you can give yourself time to mourn your wife properly and get it out of your system first before starting with a new woman

Hmm what more can I say really..

First off, OP do accept my condolences, may God comfort & strengthen you, your children, the entire family..

Actually I believe you've gotten more than enough advice; very solid ones at that.. I do hope you're no longer confused & now have a clearer view of things and way to go henceforth..

Please, you & your children need some more time to grieve & heal.. Always run background checks on people before allowing them get into y'all comfort zones, please for the sake of your children.. Saying she needed "only" your children for the sitting room party should've raised concerns, esp from someone you've never met & ofcourse didn't know anything about her asides that "her husband abandoned her and his children", your emotions were all over the place and that was why you swallowed it hook, line & sinker..

Just so you know, nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel about the death of your wife or how you're supposed to grieve over your loss, not her, not anybody, be it a single lady, single mother orrr even any member of your extended family.. You cannot be made to just forget everything about your wife at a go, she was your wife for crying out loud, you've spent your younger years with her talk about 13yrs in wedlock and 4yrs out of it, she bore you 3 lovely children too.. How could this lady be so insensitive?! Asides from being desperate, she's also selfish, manipulative & inconsiderate.. Trust me, you have no business being in a relationship with her in the first place, your children absolutely deserve better; take your time.. Do nothing that will make wife's spirit restless and troubled.. Shalom!

SEND HER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!


she manipulated her way into your home.

every act of the kids wanting to be together was her act of manipulation.

if you do the mistake of getting her pregnant or marrying her, she will scatter your home and maltreat your kids to your dismay.


SEND HER AWAY RIGHT NOW!


your kids will get over their absence in due time

family6644:


You are right but I naturally will never see myself doing this, this is the reason for my long explanations, I find myself in the situation, I didn't plan for it or work it out. I never wanted it but note that my kids are involved but I guess now they can see for themselves

You sound weak!

As a man, you should learn how to be firm in your opinions and decisions and this includes to your children.

When your children were clamoring to always visit the woman because of the so called fun they were having, you should have stood your ground and let them know it was enough.

Saying it's because you want to make the kids happy is wrong, man! This weakness is the reason you feel that you need a woman urgently to take care of your kids.

You have an adult foster child and a 13 year old daughter, so, they are not that much babies.

A woman in your position may never marry again, so, why are you in a haste to bring a replacement of wife and mother.

You're saying that the kids have seen the woman and her children aren't the best thing to happen to you and them, this is what your firmness would have made them realize later on or have you not seen where someone plays with a child and when the person is leaving, the child will start crying to follow the person. Should the parents allow the stranger to go with the child because the child wants to? Definitely, if that should happen, in less than 12 hours, the child will start crying, looking for the real mother.

A lot of people have commented based on your action of moving forward too fast and allowing another woman into your home already.

But, I must tell you that your inability to let your children know when to stop and stand by your words even if they are crying is the cause of the problem. They are kids and don't know much about life. They will regret the decision you're taking now later in their life.

Please, spare them that bitter experience. Even if it's 3 years ago that you lost your wife, the speed at which you got entangled with the said single mother is uncomfortable.

People have always warned about dealing cautiously with single mothers. Unless caused by the death of the husband (which still needs caution), there's a reason the father of the kid(s) left her.

I wonder how this thread would have turned out if Op was a woman.
3 mths.just 3mthsoo.Keep observing inugo until belle go show and you wont be able to extricate yourself.

LadySarah:
I wonder how this thread would have turned out if Op was a woman.
3 mths.just 3mthsoo.Keep observing inugo until belle go show and you wont be able to extricate yourself.

Let’s not make this a gender war. Everyone on this thread, man and woman alike, has condemned his action in all sincerity.

The only addition if it was to be a woman is that maybe people might suggest/opine that she's been seeing the man before her husband's death or whatever insinuations but it's irrelevant here.

The action is wrong no matter the gender involved.

Please accept my deepest condolence on the loss of your wife. May God strengthen you and the family she left behind. However, your wife is just 3 months in her grave and you already allowed another woman to move in? Your late wife's family must have been really saddened by your insensitive act. It's truly a man's world because a woman will not get away with this act on Nairaland. She would have been called all sort of names. Back to the issue at hand, anyone who doesn't respect the memories of your late spouse is not one to keep. One of the memories of your late wife are your kids. When she becomes a full wife, what happens to them when you're not around? She seem to me like she is only tolerating them to work her way into your life as a wife. 3 months is not enough to grieve! Tell her to go! How difficult is that for you OP? How can you not see that you were targeted? Who celebrates birthday parties with just the kids of strangers they don't know? Keep the observation my brother, by the time she gets pregnant, you will be hooked and you will be known as the father who brought pain upon his children, 3 months after their mother died.

LadySarah:
I wonder how this thread would have turned out if Op was a woman.
3 mths.just 3mthsoo.Keep observing inugo until belle go show and you wont be able to extricate yourself.

I am shocked too. The thread would have been longer than this with 95% insults and just 5% advice for the woman. The double standards on this forum ehn, na wa!

Oga... Only 3 months ( walahi u no try at all)

"Dead is dead"....she obviously has no regard for u or ur late wife.

Hmm...to many red flags man. Remember "All that glitters is not gold"

U don't just walk into another person's life and start changing things to suit urself..who does that??

U better give her some space and focus solely on ur kids...let her manage "family friend" for now.
I would have suggested u let ur oldest child finish secondary school before thinking of bringing another woman into their life..but ofcourse, I ain't u.
But in all honesty...I wouldn't recommend that woman to u.... atleast not for the mean time.

U don't even know why the husband "abandoned" her and married another women. All u have is her own version of things.
Still waters run deep....

Modified:
Just reread ur story.. Op u really no try ooh. Just under 12-14days of meeting she's already rewriting the 14-17yrs history u had with ur late wife. Pls have small respect for ur late wife.
Don't fall for her anger gimmicks....it's all part of the manipulation..U better be firm and take control.

LadySarah:
I wonder how this thread would have turned out if Op was a woman.
3 mths.just 3mthsoo.Keep observing inugo until belle go show and you wont be able to extricate yourself.

Well, sadly..the OP is not a woman and any reasonable person would know he is making a huge mistake and give him appropriate advice.
But since u have decided to coat it a hue of gender....I am interested in reading the advice(s) from the women folk.

People have different ways of mourning.. But what you needed was time to mourn your wife, not just to respect her momories but also for you.
If she loves you she will help keep your wife's memory alive also and especially for the children.
Please make a clean cut.
I personally would be scared of a man who can get over a wife so soon.

Are you guys now living together now?
That was quick.
Youv started the affair 3 months after the death of your wife. Wrong move.
You should have given yourself some time to heal from the grief.
You should never have had anything to do with her when you did. Even if the kids loved going to their place, you should have limited the contact.
I would advice you have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her you're still grieving and you just need a bit of time and space which she doesn't seem to be giving you.
Tell her you're not ready for anything serious at all for now.
Ask her to move back to her place if she's now living with you.
You guys can still catch up with calls once in a while, and you can take all the children out once in a while too eg to the cinemas, park or any fun place for kids but never bring them to your house or her own house again

Bola146:
Firstly, seriously you have to let go of the dead, she was so dear to you, yes but let us face the living, your kids and their wellness, you can be remembering her yearly or on her birthday which any woman you want to marry now must support that, still remembering the dead would not allow you to love any other woman dearly again. It would be like she is still living with someone's husband.


Secondly, please try to know if the woman loves your kids dearly, don't rush into a relationship that you will regret later, since you have maid, why not be patient. Be so close to your kids and the maid, ask for their own opinions.


Lastly, watch and pray!!!! Let God and His Holy Spirit lead you. Your kids are your number one priority, work hard and take good care of them, don't just leave them to strangers care. God be with you sir.

if i read correctly the wife died 3 months ago and they have been married for about 13 years, you cant just let go of 13 years of memory just like that

this guy needs to grieve and pay respect to his dead wife then finally let go, in most people it doesnt happen in 3 months

halogate:

Well, sadly..the OP is not a woman and any reasonable person would know he is making a huge mistake and give him appropriate advice.
But since u have decided to coat it a hue of gender....I am interested in reading the advice(s) from the women folk.

She is actually right and she did give advice, albeit sarcastically . Very good advice infact.
Bringing in gender is just for all of us to reflect. It's not a bad thing at all and by even talking about the gender ,OP can actually realise the place he went wrong.
3months is too soon to move on after losing someone you had a fantastic relationship with, and if it were a woman she would have been accused of killing her husband, by some people on here.
Any relationship you go into so quickly after the loss cannot last and should have just been FWB kinda relationship with all involved knowing the scores.

You're the problem here..........there is no rule of engagement to start with.


What exactly is the aim of this affair......do you need more children, compassion, affection or is she feeding you and your kids.

I don't understand why someone will just come (with her personal baggage) and change the way of life (rules) in my house.........


If the purpose of an affair is not defined, abuse is inevitable.

Your family peace and progress should be paramount.......I don't even subscribe to remarrying after three beautiful kids

PuZZyNegro:


You sound weak!

As a man, you should learn how to be firm in your opinions and decisions and this includes to your children.

When your children were clamoring to always visit the woman because of the so called fun they were having, you should have stood your ground and let them know it was enough.

Saying it's because you want to make the kids happy is wrong, man! This weakness is the reason you feel that you need a woman urgently to take care of your kids.

You have an adult foster child and a 13 year old daughter, so, they are not that much babies.

A woman in your position may never marry again, so, why are you in a haste to bring a replacement of wife and mother.

You're saying that the kids have seen the woman and her children aren't the best thing to happen to you and them, this is what your firmness would have made them realize later on or have you not seen where someone plays with a child and when the person is leaving, the child will start crying to follow the person. Should the parents allow the stranger to go with the child because the child wants to? Definitely, if that should happen, in less than 12 hours, the child will start crying, looking for the real mother.

A lot of people have commented based on your action of moving forward too fast and allowing another woman into your home already.

But, I must tell you that your inability to let your children know when to stop and stand by your words even if they are crying is the cause of the problem. They are kids and don't know much about life. They will regret the decision you're taking now later in their life.

Please, spare them that bitter experience. Even if it's 3 years ago that you lost your wife, the speed at which you got entangled with the said single mother is uncomfortable.

People have always warned about dealing cautiously with single mothers. Unless caused by the death of the husband (which still needs caution), there's a reason the father of the kid(s) left her.

You have made a lot of sense, you have made me even more weak. More like she has refused to leave, I have discussed it amicably, she has pleaded that she will change, I should give her more time. Her apt is till there but she doesn't want to go back claiming she's in love with me and she can't stay away from me. I think I am in trouble, I don't feel right about this anymore

family6644:



You have made a lot of sense, you have made me even more weak. More like she has refused to leave, I have discussed it amicably, she has pleaded that she will change, I should give her more time. Her apt is till there but she doesn't want to go back claiming she's in love with me and she can't stay away from me. I think I am in trouble, I don't feel right about this anymore

So sad a situation. Allowing people into your home is like lending money to people. So easy to give out but hard to be returned.

The lady has been looking for this type of opportunity all along and this right here seems like a perfect solution to her life situation.

Like others have stated, that lady is just waiting for the perfect time when it will be impossible for you to send her away. That's when she will come all out.

When she takes in for you which isn't necessary since both of you have 3 and 2 kids respectively, but she has to try to get pregnant just to cement her position in your family, then it will be too late to take a decision.

Since, discussing amicably isn't working, you may have to apply force and don't let emotional blackmail nor guilt tripping make you to change your mind.

Tell her in clear terms that you love her too but you and your children need some space to put things together before they would come back.

4 years of relationship and 13 years of marriage = 17 years together. And 3 months after her death, Mr. man is already getting entangled with someone else.

Ladies love yourselves and care for yourselves while you’re alive. Stop putting these men’s needs ahead of yours.

OP I wish you and your kids a nice smooth transition.

Apt

LilMissFavvy:
If you had told this woman to give you a little time, at least 9months before you start a relationship it would have been better, I guess she would have accepted to wait till you are ready, 3months is too short to finish mourning and begin a relationship. If you had healed a bit from the loss of your wife, you wouldn't feel bad whenever she refuses to recognize the dead, you would take less offense and allow her handle things her way. If you tell her you need a break now, she will feel bad and insulted, but a break is what you need, or accept her as she is, or you end the relationship. It is very wrong to cohabit with her for now.

family6644:



You have made a lot of sense, you have made me even more weak. More like she has refused to leave, I have discussed it amicably, she has pleaded that she will change, I should give her more time. Her apt is till there but she doesn't want to go back claiming she's in love with me and she can't stay away from me. I think I am in trouble, I don't feel right about this anymore

..
Lol...@Op..u really are in trouble!
Hot and spicy one for that matter..
"In love with you"..all of a sudden?
"Can't do without you or stay away from u"...in under a month?
Isorite!....

@Op..do the needful!!!... don't let all those talk get to u.
If she wants to "change"...let her do that from a distance.
Op..if u are actually enjoying this attention and using nairalanders to catch cruise. God is watching. Cos I see no reason why u cannot call it quits with her. Abi is there something u ain't telling us?
You have been advised and warned accordingly.. The ball is in ur court!

family6644:



You have made a lot of sense, you have made me even more weak. More like she has refused to leave, I have discussed it amicably, she has pleaded that she will change, I should give her more time. Her apt is till there but she doesn't want to go back claiming she's in love with me and she can't stay away from me. I think I am in trouble, I don't feel right about this anymore

Smh.love indeed.

@bold, That would have been the first comment with 964 likes and 200 shares

eyinjuege:


She is actually right and she did give advice, albeit sarcastically . Very good advice infact.
Bringing in gender is just for all of us to reflect. It's not a bad thing at all and by even talking about the gender OP can actually realise the place he went wrong.
3months is too soon to move on after losing someone you had a fantastic relationship with and if it were a woman she would have been accused of killing her husband, by some people on here
Any relationship you go into so quickly after the loss cannot last and should have just been FWB kinda relationship with all involved knowing the scores.

I’m not even sure this story is real anymore

family6644:



You have made a lot of sense, you have made me even more weak. More like she has refused to leave, I have discussed it amicably, she has pleaded that she will change, I should give her more time. Her apt is till there but she doesn't want to go back claiming she's in love with me and she can't stay away from me. I think I am in trouble, I don't feel right about this anymore

women!!! see why you should put yourself first in everything. protect your health and sanity like the world would end any moment. 3 months. just 3 months and the man already has a live-in lover. tueh!!!

You lost your wife 3 months (12 weeks ) ago
You met this lady on FB 2 weeks ago- 10 weeks after your wife died
She and her kids are now staying with you

Everything about this story and the timing is wrong

10-12 weeks after your wife's death you are already with another woman if not for anything respect your late wife's memory of 13 years nahh, let breeze blow over the incident ke?

Nawa ooo

As for the proposed incoming madam too much red flags

The death of a woman is a loss to her family and her kids. Those are the people that will eternally feel her exit.

Forget men, 97.86% of them will move on before your casket sinks, this includes some of them castigating OP. They will say “IT IS FOR THE KIDS”. I bet if you check OP’s posts, you will find that phrase somewhere.

For a gender that claims not to benefit from marriage, they are always too eager to get a replacement or take on extra wives. Make I dey go abeg, una done talk everything finish.

family6644:
I don't know the mods here, please someone should help tag them. Thanks

Hey! Laslasticlala! A dude in distress needs your attention!

LilMissFavvy:
If you had told this woman to give you a little time, at least 9months before you start a relationship it would have been better, I guess she would have accepted to wait till you are ready, 3months is too short to finish mourning and begin a relationship. If you had healed a bit from the loss of your wife, you wouldn't feel bad whenever she refuses to recognize the dead, you would take less offense and allow her handle things her way. If you tell her you need a break now, she will feel bad and insulted, but a break is what you need, or accept her as she is, or you end the relationship. It is very wrong to cohabit with her for now.

3 months is not short. If am the one, I will remarry sharp. Life goes on...

How do you enter a new relationship under whatever guise three months after the death of your wife for 13 years?

Bodyodour:
3 months is not short. If am the one, I will remarry sharp. Life goes on...

Lmao. Take some time to mourn na, to avoid wahala like this.

cococandy:
4 years of relationship and 13 years of marriage = 17 years together. And 3 months after her death, Mr. man is already getting entangled with someone else.

Ladies love yourselves and care for yourselves while you’re alive. Stop putting these men’s needs ahead of yours.

OP I wish you and your kids a nice smooth transition.

You are married and prolly love your husband. Stop generalising what the OP did. It would have been a different ball game if every male on the thread supported his action.

I know at least two men who refused to remarry after they lost their wife. One eventually remarried after nearly 16 years because the kids asked him to and the other never did to date. Just because the OP chose to dishonour his late wife does not mean every male is that way.

You shouldn't be eager to show your subtle misandry/feminism.