queenfav: Women see why it's bad to kill yourself over any man? Just 3 months after your wife died,you have replaced and the woman is even living in your home,touching your late wife's stuffs and all.If it were a woman that moved on after 3 months, you will hear reactions! It's indeed a man's world.
Can You Pls Stop Drawing Attention To Yourself And Go Away Until You've Got Something Constructive To Say Here?!!
family6644: I need serious advise from experienced nairalanders, please forgive my lengthy message because it requires detailed explanations.
I lost my wife exactly 3 months ago, 4 years of relationship and 13 years of marriage with her before she passed on, she left behind 3kids, 13yr old girl 7yr and 3yr old boys. I understand marriages are full of their challenges but we have been through the journey and we came out victorious having a loving and happy home, a union other partners appreciates.
My late wife was so organized and we trainned my kids to be independent while she travels on local business trips. So I just needed to continue our family habit of buying and stocking everything at home while they manage themselves with the help of an older maid who has been part of the family for many years, in short, we are faring quite well as I continue to mourn my wife and carry on with life.
Here is the problem, from a lot of condolence messages coming in on my Facebook, I had the chance to reply some of them 2weeks ago, I met this single mother of two who invited my kids to her daughter's birthday party, i was reluctant but she said it is time to start taking the kids out since they are yet to resume school, exactly what they needed at that point was the usual outing which has been missing for a while since their mother's sickness and after her demise, approx 6months in total. She said it's not a loud party that she needed only my kids for the small sitting room party.
I decided, went to the party with the kids, it was fun for the kids, I have not seen them happy like that in a long while, it made me happy too, they fell in love with the two sisters and their mother all like a miracle, my little 3year old boy started calling her mommy, others follow and it all seem like a family reunion. We left late at night with her girls asking that they meet again the next day which was a Sunday. To cut it short, my kids and hers agreed to meet the next day except for me. To be honest, the lady is a nice and lovely person to be with, she's a realtor who can work from home, she's real and beautiful, she has been a single mother for 4yrs after her husband travelled out and abandoned them to marry another woman, that's according to her.
She called me that her kids could not allow her rest, they said if we can't come, she should bring them to our house, I mildly rejected but i was persuaded by my daughter and my first son to have them around, I could see that they have bonded quite well, I want my kids to be happy too, that's what I have always wanted for them so I agreed and gave them our address. To cut the story short, I find it impossible to separate the two families that has come together to become one, when they were leaving back to their house my kids pleaded with me to allow them go with mommy to her house, I understand that is real because she's lovely with kids. I had the confidence to trust my kids with someone for the first time in my life. They didn't want to come back, I had to go and pick them up the next day, all of them made sure they came back home with me, we started living together as a family and everyone was enjoying it.
It became an automatic affair with her, I was worried about it been too early, I had to involve few of my friends to seek opinions, some were happy that i could get a good mother for my kids this soon, others asked me to stop the family union and give it a little time to study her character. I suggested some space but she felt very bad, she thinks I am sending them away. I had to allow them stay while I use the opportunity to observe the new found love and family.
12days after, I realize that in a bid to reorganize me and help me to move ahead in life, she totally disregards anything that concerns my late wife whom I still hold dear to my heart, same as my daughter and my adopted daughter, I don't like to address her as a maid. We loved and cherished my late wife, everything she introduced seems to be strange to the norms of the family. If I try to raise my concerns for her to adjust, she will simply tell me that the dead is dead and I should just forget everything about her including whatever she stood for as a mother and wife.
If I try to talk some senses into her to make her understand that brooding over the dead is different from honouring and respecting the deseased, she gets really angry claiming I am comparing her with a dead person. Whatever she discovers as our way of doing things in the family she disregards it and replaces it with her own way without minding how we feel as a family or how easy or difficult it is for us to adjust.
It looks like we are the only ones tolerating and accommodating them here, I have tried with no avail to stop her from insulting the memory of my late wife. I discussed with each and everyone at home, they all wish I could perform a miracle to have them leave because no one can tolerate the mother and kids anymore, I am equally fed up myself and willing to take a break.
I have a friend who is aware of my problems with her, he told me that I am the problem here, he said it will be hard for any woman to fit into our family way of doing things and it will be difficult for us to cope with a different way of life introduced by another woman.
I hope I can get one or two advices that could help. I am quite confused
Please ask her to go immediately, before she takes in
family6644: I need serious advise from experienced nairalanders, please forgive my lengthy message because it requires detailed explanations.
I lost my wife exactly 3 months ago, 4 years of relationship and 13 years of marriage with her before she passed on, she left behind 3kids, 13yr old girl 7yr and 3yr old boys. I understand marriages are full of their challenges but we have been through the journey and we came out victorious having a loving and happy home, a union other partners appreciates.
My late wife was so organized and we trainned my kids to be independent while she travels on local business trips. So I just needed to continue our family habit of buying and stocking everything at home while they manage themselves with the help of an older maid who has been part of the family for many years, in short, we are faring quite well as I continue to mourn my wife and carry on with life.
Here is the problem, from a lot of condolence messages coming in on my Facebook, I had the chance to reply some of them 2weeks ago, I met this single mother of two who invited my kids to her daughter's birthday party, i was reluctant but she said it is time to start taking the kids out since they are yet to resume school, exactly what they needed at that point was the usual outing which has been missing for a while since their mother's sickness and after her demise, approx 6months in total. She said it's not a loud party that she needed only my kids for the small sitting room party.
I decided, went to the party with the kids, it was fun for the kids, I have not seen them happy like that in a long while, it made me happy too, they fell in love with the two sisters and their mother all like a miracle, my little 3year old boy started calling her mommy, others follow and it all seem like a family reunion. We left late at night with her girls asking that they meet again the next day which was a Sunday. To cut it short, my kids and hers agreed to meet the next day except for me. To be honest, the lady is a nice and lovely person to be with, she's a realtor who can work from home, she's real and beautiful, she has been a single mother for 4yrs after her husband travelled out and abandoned them to marry another woman, that's according to her.
She called me that her kids could not allow her rest, they said if we can't come, she should bring them to our house, I mildly rejected but i was persuaded by my daughter and my first son to have them around, I could see that they have bonded quite well, I want my kids to be happy too, that's what I have always wanted for them so I agreed and gave them our address. To cut the story short, I find it impossible to separate the two families that has come together to become one, when they were leaving back to their house my kids pleaded with me to allow them go with mommy to her house, I understand that is real because she's lovely with kids. I had the confidence to trust my kids with someone for the first time in my life. They didn't want to come back, I had to go and pick them up the next day, all of them made sure they came back home with me, we started living together as a family and everyone was enjoying it.
It became an automatic affair with her, I was worried about it been too early, I had to involve few of my friends to seek opinions, some were happy that i could get a good mother for my kids this soon, others asked me to stop the family union and give it a little time to study her character. I suggested some space but she felt very bad, she thinks I am sending them away. I had to allow them stay while I use the opportunity to observe the new found love and family.
12days after, I realize that in a bid to reorganize me and help me to move ahead in life, she totally disregards anything that concerns my late wife whom I still hold dear to my heart, same as my daughter and my adopted daughter, I don't like to address her as a maid. We loved and cherished my late wife, everything she introduced seems to be strange to the norms of the family. If I try to raise my concerns for her to adjust, she will simply tell me that the dead is dead and I should just forget everything about her including whatever she stood for as a mother and wife.
If I try to talk some senses into her to make her understand that brooding over the dead is different from honouring and respecting the deseased, she gets really angry claiming I am comparing her with a dead person. Whatever she discovers as our way of doing things in the family she disregards it and replaces it with her own way without minding how we feel as a family or how easy or difficult it is for us to adjust.
It looks like we are the only ones tolerating and accommodating them here, I have tried with no avail to stop her from insulting the memory of my late wife. I discussed with each and everyone at home, they all wish I could perform a miracle to have them leave because no one can tolerate the mother and kids anymore, I am equally fed up myself and willing to take a break.
I have a friend who is aware of my problems with her, he told me that I am the problem here, he said it will be hard for any woman to fit into our family way of doing things and it will be difficult for us to cope with a different way of life introduced by another woman.
I hope I can get one or two advices that could help. I am quite confused
for what it's worth please let go of this woman before it turns out to be a situation that is out of control. save yourself and your kids because if you don't your kids will feel the heat and that will hunt you for the rest of your life
It's just too early to start a new relationship. Think about your kids. Allow yourself and the kids grieve properly before introducing something else in the mix. The woman is not a bad person as it were, she's just responding the best way she knows to. And you wouldn't blame the kids too... Everything is still too fresh for you to just move on like that
As a man, you should learn how to be firm in your opinions and decisions and this includes to your children.
When your children were clamoring to always visit the woman because of the so called fun they were having, you should have stood your ground and let them know it was enough.
Saying it's because you want to make the kids happy is wrong, man! This weakness is the reason you feel that you need a woman urgently to take care of your kids.
You have an adult foster child and a 13 year old daughter, so, they are not that much babies.
A woman in your position may never marry again, so, why are you in a haste to bring a replacement of wife and mother.
You're saying that the kids have seen the woman and her children aren't the best thing to happen to you and them, this is what your firmness would have made them realize later on or have you not seen where someone plays with a child and when the person is leaving, the child will start crying to follow the person. Should the parents allow the stranger to go with the child because the child wants to? Definitely, if that should happen, in less than 12 hours, the child will start crying, looking for the real mother.
A lot of people have commented based on your action of moving forward too fast and allowing another woman into your home already.
But, I must tell you that your inability to let your children know when to stop and stand by your words even if they are crying is the cause of the problem. They are kids and don't know much about life. They will regret the decision you're taking now later in their life.
Please, spare them that bitter experience. Even if it's 3 years ago that you lost your wife, the speed at which you got entangled with the said single mother is uncomfortable.
People have always warned about dealing cautiously with single mothers. Unless caused by the death of the husband (which still needs caution), there's a reason the father of the kid(s) left her.
Modern parenting isn't strict. Most people want to pamper their children "to give them the life they never had" causing them to be headstrong, which they call wisdom or smartness. Because you want to Colleen to play, you enter a relationship? Why not take them to the park?
Still can't understand how children dictate the pace of a relationship in under 3 months, because this thing began before 3 months. The issue lies with the man, not even the woman or children —she's being blamed for poor decisions he made on his own. If today marks three months, how soon did he begin this new relationship? Two months ago? One? All the stories about the woman are excuses and blame shifting. He should come clean. She's not manipulative, he's the one giving her the signals.
Have nothing to do with that calculative/manipulative woman! She had everything planned out right from the start and you're the perfect candidate! You fell right into her trap! She's been the one making all the major moves. (The birthday party was a perfect excuse to penetrate) Imagine forcing you to move on from mourning your wife... Have you had sex with her already? Have you bothered to find out why her husband left her? Without caring about his children? Oga, shine your eyes o! Your children don't know better...they just miss the care of a mother, which the woman seem to be taking advantage of. You think you know her but you have no idea! None!
You have made a lot of sense, you have made me even more weak. More like she has refused to leave, I have discussed it amicably, she has pleaded that she will change, I should give her more time. Her apt is till there but she doesn't want to go back claiming she's in love with me and she can't stay away from me. I think I am in trouble, I don't feel right about this anymore
hehehe, you are not ready to make her leave then.Enjoy bro.
Egungun be careful na 4 lane express you dey go... Be a man and end that relationship now.... You fell right into her trap.... That birthday party was the hook+bait... You swallowed both now the hook is hurting your throat spit it out now......
Parent of today self... How do you lots let your children make decisions for you.. I can't imagine me telling my mom or dad that i must sleep over at their friends place by force.... There is a reason you are the adult.. Remember this is Nigeria and USA... Correct Jazz and evil women plenty o
frm dey story, u be boss, abeg find me small tin..... Frm the above, its jst 12days nd she don dey try erase those fresh memory,nobi say memory nogo fade but dis na desperation, so baba trade carefully. Her ex go marry oyibo witout divorce, e get y! Make i drop my aza baba?
I can only help you by dropping the number of a good relationship counsellor that helped my friend last year (his case was even worse) WhatsApp 07032423546
You are right but I naturally will never see myself doing this, this is the reason for my long explanations, I find myself in the situation, I didn't plan for it or work it out. I never wanted it but note that my kids are involved but I guess now they can see for themselves
Oga, you put yourself in this, you have to find a way to remove yourself and your kids, except you don't want your kids to inherit you, cause you yet to see anything, MEN sha, pity you sir but sha always pray for guidance
cococandy: 4 years of relationship and 13 years of marriage = 17 years together. And 3 months after her death, Mr. man is already getting entangled with someone else.
Ladies love yourselves and care for yourselves while you’re alive. Stop putting these men’s needs ahead of yours.
OP I wish you and your kids a nice smooth transition.
How do i send you your favourite bottle of champagne?You have nailed it.Make women get sense o.When it comes down to it, these men don't love the way women love,give, give and keep on giving to their husbands and kids!
Exactly the problem I am having, she doesn't seem to see anything sensible in my late wife values and teachings and this is making me to dislike her and she doesn't seem to know despite trying so hard to explain to her.
If d story is true, u can't blame d strange woman but urself. U brought her into ur home. U have kids who d oldest is 13years old& u are bringing in a strange woman into ur home just 3months after they loose their mother. Na so dem de do something? Body no be firewood but why bring her to ur home? Those kids are supposed to grow to be a bit independent before u start bringing in a stranger
this is a warning, dont do a mistake by marrying her. If not you will regret it. She has no feelings for anybody, you marry her then she will show her true colour. i am talking from experience. My mum was sick in the uk in the early 70s. She had to leave for nigeria and the sickness got worse. we taught she would die. So my dad had a girlfriend in london who took care of us. After my dads education, we all left for nigeria. Now this woman became a full house wife while my mum was still on sick bed. around 1974 my mum came out of the sickness and was in good health. My mum leaved in our country home and the new wife stayed in lagos with us. As she knew that my mum was ok, we started seeing the devil in this stupid bitch. We saw hell, beating us, cursing our mum, and the worse of all she started useing juju on my dad, and my dad wasnt normal anymore. my dad started hateing us. she brought her family into our house to occupy every where and we had to sleep in the sitting room as slave. She would not let us to see our mum on holidays and she will not let my dads family to visit. but with the help of my mums family they fought her spiritually and she left the family for good. You know what after leaving the family, our neighbour started banging her. Thank God she had no kids for my dad. My advise is dont marry till the kids grow up. its hard but thats the best advise. but if you cant hold yourself pray about it and seek elders advise not friends because the elders see what your friends cant see. Dont go for women that will depend on you always or the most educated women, because they will not take shit from any step children. Go for the good ones that have learned a trade and bring her up to your level.
I do not think it is too late to end whatever madness is going on before it destroys what you have with your kids. As a woman I can tell you she had this all figured out and clearly desperate. Change is necessary if the current situation is bad, and not just because one wants to change something to suit oneself which i suspect she is trying to do.
If you are not living together, tell her nicely that you want to spend some time with your kids alone, in memory of their mother and that you would appreciate that you guys stay off the relationship for now.
She hasnt come in yet and you are at this point, what do you think will become of your children eventually, maybe treat them badly if she has no regards for their mum, pls tread with care and commit it all to prayers
U right my dear, i HV a fwnd whose mother is late,and d step mother took care of them so well, she only made some small changes in d house to mk her feel comfortable BT not everything n even d portrait of their mother hangs in the wall.. The father still mk references to His first wife all d time with d second getting angry... My dear I will tell u to run for ur life, she might b putting up a show 2 love ur children just to mk u marry her, BT thank God that she is already showing her true color... How can a woman hate their mother wu is dead, n u xpect her to love the same kids of the woman she hates? It not possibilities nah.... She is already changing everything in the house n doesn't regard d maid as family... It all open for d happiness of ur kids in the future tell that woman to go, only God knows y her husband left her.... Be calm don't rush n mourn ur wife God will definitely bring a good woman who will respect d memory of ur late wife n cherish ur kids as if they were hers, this last is just desperate n doesn't HV those attribute she is coming to destroy n take everything for herself n her girls, be warned
I will suggest you let her return to her house. It's too soon for you to get involved with another woman just a few months after her death. You didn't honour her memory and as such it will be taken for granted by anyone who comes in. Having said this, please know that you have no obligation to this new woman, let her go and have peace.
Ask her to leave. Give yourself and the kids some more time to heal. They will adapt resiliently or however, but will surely thrive. While being opportunistic might not be her worst offense, I don't like that she's tactless either. A reasonable person would give you sufficient time for grief, accepting your past, your all, understanding that it's part of what makes you who she is liking at the moment and even be prepared to manage that significant date as life continues, with you. If she can even be true to herself, all she really does need to work towards, is being a priority eventually and not someone who must try to obliterate the indelible footprints in the form of children and more, that someone else has left in your life.
My advise - you have to really let go of the dead though it's not gonna be easy especially if it was a bonded family.
It is just to early to start an affair with a live in lover too bad
That woman has shown you her true character way too early. The future will unveil the worse from her.
She will dominate you, your family, kids and friends then you will know you have really entered one chance.
OPINION: TELL HER POINT BLANK WITHOUT MINCING WORDS THAT YOU ARE STILL MOURNING YOUR WIFE AS SUCH EMOTIONAL YOU ARE NOT READY FIR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.
Everything lies in your hand. If you don't need her, she'll certainly go.
