siofra:
Na mumu dey marry.

Your hole go over deep soon

You deserve to be happy.

Focus on who you want to be. Play to your strengths and be proud of what makes you different.

In need of Counselling or mental health support, book an appointment here
https://www.balm.ai/request/

ityP:



Goan read the book of Proverbs chapter 31 and see the duties God wants women to take care of in the home. Stop capping abeg

Really, I am not sure what is wrong with you people.

Listen, I told you how it was from God since the guy mentioned God King Solomon wrote Proverbs. He gave advise based on many reasons. Regardless of it, if I sit you down with Prov 31, you will just close your mouth in shame. You people just use a verse for your own good. Let me give you one example:

Oh! She must cook. She must do everything. She must take care of the house. Must she do all alone? Listen and listen carefully, the days of Solomon, he wrote according to what happened then (situation on ground). Now let me give show you:

Vs. She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants

Ok. She must cook...and bla bla bla. But did you read the part "partions for her female servants". Did you read one servant? Nope. Multiple servants. In the days of Solomon, the woman did what? She supervised most things. So, what did the female servants be do? Oh! She washed their clothes, bla bla bla. In fact, the female servants crossed legs while she cooked and took care of the kids.

So, the question is this: how many female servants did you provide your wife in order for her to be efficient? Yet, you want to Lord Lugard. The money you provide sef, you tell her to put down also. Did they tell you women put down in the days of Solomon?

If you dont get outta my mention, you will hate yourself. You want women to take care of home, but you the useless man dont want to provide her servants to assit her. You are a capital joke. You turned your wife to a servant by not providing her servants. So, you are the monster. You are a real monster. And the joke is on you. Go and research me who provided their wives servants, they are kings. And those who cant afford it should help. That's the price to pay. But you want to be the lord but you dont want to give her servants. See eh...she will knock that your head and make you look like a fo.ol. really, you are far from one. Lol

emmyyoung688:
but temporal separation will make the both parties think straight and search their concience to see if they had things the right way and also to weigh the pros and cons of letting go.....in summary every body eye go see clear...it's a good recipe to treat constant reoccurring disagreement in marriage....
bro .no matter how tight you hold something..you may still loose it so let it slide,if it's for you it has a way of coming back..... marriage no by force...

I understand your drift but as much as we like to take the easy way out of our marital issues/problems, it only gives us relief from the demands of the pressing issues and allows the problems to fester.

Of course, I clearly understand the case of irreconcilable differences.

Kobojunkie:
Society's roles mean nothing in the grand scheme of things except to those who place value on it, right?

Roles spelt out in legal registry restricts the institution to the legal dimensions, does it not, meaning marriages freeedoms are hampered by it? That is not the kind of marriage I refer to here.

I have friends who do the cooking when I go over to their place. In fact, one of them does the cooking and cleaning on many occasions since his wife is usually busy with her friend/clients on such occasions. There is nothing wrong with such a marriage setting. In fact as I said, couples should freely define their relationship based on what works best for their case.

As for the Op, so long as it is his house, doing chores shouldn't be an ego thing but something that should be done by whomever is able to. I mean if she doesn't so it and he doesn't do it, who will? The kids? Anyone who os able to should do it.

As for communication with the wife, maybe the OP will create another thread to tell us how that goes.

I like the bolded, couples should freely define their relationship based on what works well for them. However in this case the wife's definition of a home isn't working for the husband. Three days ago I was chatting with a clan's man in anguish; his home had fallen off the rail ever since madam found a new church. She would rather perform tasks at the pastor.

You sound very much like you live in a western styled society. Whilst I can be liberal about most things a typical African marriage draws parallels to a western one. In most African culture a man could always get a second wife while in the West a fellow man could marry another. Consequently societal expectations and marriage roles can't be same in the West and Africa. If it's okay for Obama to do the dishes daily whilst Michelle does a manicure its not for Goodluck Johnathan. Just saying..

I can only wish the OP well. My own marriage crumbled four years ago after beeing treated like shit in the midst of a severe health crisis and abandoned by a woman I could give my life for. Only recently have I healed realising life is ten times better without her. For a guy who once believed in sacrifice and tolerance to make your marriage work when kids are involved, authoritatively I can now tell anyman to watch out for themselves and their sanity first.

A man is better off divorced but alive and looking after his kids than being in a grave and dungeon in the name of marriage. I don't know at what point I could consider marriage again but still I want my kids mum to be equally involved in the kids lives as much as I am.

grandlexuz:


I like the bolded, couples should freely define their relationship based on what works well for them. However in this case the wife's definition of a home isn't working for the husband. Three days ago I was chatting with a clan's man in anguish; his home had fallen off the rail ever since madam found a new church. She would rather perform tasks at the pastor.

You sound very much like you live in a western styled society. Whilst I can be liberal about most things a typical African marriage draws parallels to a western one. In most African culture a man could always get a second wife while in the West a fellow man could marry another. Consequently societal expectations and marriage roles can't be same in the West and Africa. If it's okay for Obama to do the dishes daily whilst Michelle does a manicure its not for Goodluck Johnathan. Just saying..

I can only wish the OP well. My own marriage crumbled four years ago after beeing treated like shit in the midst of a severe health crisis and abandoned by a woman I could give my life for. Only recently have I healed realising life is ten times better without her. For a guy who once believed in sacrifice and tolerance to make your marriage work when kids are involved, authoritatively I can now tell anyman to watch out for themselves and their sanity first.

A man is better off divorced but alive and looking after his kids than being in a grave and dungeon in the name of marriage. I don't know at what point I could consider marriage again but still I want my kids mum to be equally involved in the kids lives as much as I am.

Men need to start having sense. Don't die for no one. Leave that toxic marriage today. The kids would be better off

ityP:



This one is ranting like one mad dog .... Your husband toast you, buy ring give you, kneel down propose, go see your papa for introduction, pay bride price, pay for your wedding, pay for your houserent abi build house for you, dey go work to find food wey una go chop, but you don't want him to be Lord Lugard Like I said, you be mad dog

You dey give her free attention

solidmyk:

You dey give her free attention

True boss. I go ignore next time

Amanda4life:



PRIVATE SCHOOL IS TOUGH.

YOU YOUR SELF , YOU ARE NOT FINANCIALLY OKAY THATS WHY SHE CANNOT LEAN ON YOU FINANCIALLY.

OR YOU ARE NOT OPEN TO HER IN TERMS OF YOUR INCOME, AND YOU ARE NOT SUPPORTING MUCH FINANCIALLY, THATS WHY SHE DONT TRUST YOUR FINANCE, YOU HID YOUR EARNING S, SHE BUILDING FINANCIAL SECURITY AROUND HER SELF.
BECAUSE , YOU ONLY SPEND ON THE CHILDREN, YOU DONT INCLUDE HER IN YOUR PLAN, SHE IS JUST TRYING TO BUILD HER OWN WALL.
YOU ARE NOT OPEN TO HER, YOU DONT TELL HER TRUTH, SHE HAS DETECTED A LOT OF LIES FROM YOU. YOU HAVE HIDDEN A LOT OF THINGS FROM HER AND SHE HAS FOUND OUT.

YOU TELL HER LIES A LOT, SO SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU. SHE HATES LAIRER.

JUST TRY TO CHANGE



SHE IS HARD WORKING

It's obvious you are the wife! Tell us your own side of the story.

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

To me I will say that, God hates divorce, I mean separation, you've been living together for 15 good years, you should have understand the kind of woman your wife is, jumping out of the marriage now is not the answer to your problem, all what you need to do is to wake her up in the middle of the night, trace where the problems comes from, talks about it make her understand that taking care of the family is our primary responsibility, that job and others are secondary, try and listen to her views, let her speak her mind out, then both of you will come together and sort it out, as a man you need to come down and protect your marriage, if not because of your wife but because of your childrens, divorce or separation is not the right decision, the devil we have known 15 years is better than the Angel you just know, come down be tolerant, God will help you.

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

Marry a second wife who will stay with you. She knows if she follows career you will marry a third wife and so on. Until you get a wife willing to stay with you.

You are not alone.

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

if you die....your children will still live....they won't enter the ground with you. It's better to be separated and alive for them than die and ya wife will still marry anoda man and raise your children as they like. Separate, train your kids and when they are of age, they will seek and understand the truth.

mazizitonene:
if you die....your children will still live....they won't enter the ground with you. It's better to be separated and alive for them than die and ya wife will still marry anoda man and raise your children as they like. Separate, train your kids and when they are of age, they will seek and understand the truth.

Because he did house chores and is depressed - he never mentioned being suicidal- means he might die? Stop peddling irrational fears.

PeaceJoyLove:

You are the fo.ol who did all things. Who sent you? You used Bible as the standard, I knocked your teeth off. Now, you want to use the Nigerian custom. Na by force do all those worthless activities? Find your level and cut your coat according to your size. You want to be Lord Lugard, those are your responsibilities Prov 31 tells you to do simply by including servants where she is told to cook. If you cannot do it, you are a worthless man. See, all the toasting, diamond rings, heavy bride price, wedding expenses, house rent, are your responsibilities. No one asked you to do beyond you. If you find a woman pushing you do beyond you, release her. If you continue, you are the fo.olish one.

Did I not tell you that you shouldn't go to Prov 31? If I dissect if for you, shame go catch you..and on top everything, you should provide servants for her. I didnt send you to not use your sense and pay N3 million naira as bride price. You should use your head to find a woman who will not ask you to have an elaborate wedding you cannot afford. The mu.mu you, the heavy money you used to feed people and pay heavy bride price, you could have invested it in buying dish washers & washing machine, and one year female maid salary.

Sir, sit tight and look for Prov 31 kind of woman. Cut your coat according to your size. Stop being a blocked head.

Chai!!


You can blast somebody

Are you a lady?

Should I rap for you ?


I don't really have much to say about the OP or whoever that is


But if you are lady

You deserve to be regarded through my Hellines or the lines that show hotter creativity

Kobojunkie:
Because he did house chores and is depressed means he might die? Stop peddling irrational fears.

can't you read and deduce that he's stressed?.....are you taking into cognisance his mental health?........Guy said he's depressed...or he should wait till when he breaks down and his bp reaches the roof and dies. Your lots will come forward and type rip and start calling the woman a widow. That's why we have widows all over the place. Some even have associations.

Young man/woman if it disturbs your peace, go your separate ways mutually for peace to reign. Period

mazizitonene:
can't you read and deduce that he's stressed?.....are you taking into cognisance his mental health?........Guy said he's depressed...or he should wait till when he breaks down and his bp reaches the roof and dies. Your lots will come forward and type rip and start calling the woman a widow. That's why we have widows all over the place. Some even have associations.

Young man/woman if it disturbs your peace, go your separate ways mutually for peace to reign. Period

Oh, so everyone who experiences marital stress is likely to die as a result? Everyone who experiences depression is likely to end up dead?

He said he is depressed, not dying. Abeg, don't raise his anxiety levels any higher than they already are with these ideas that he may die.

Bro,treat her fukc up wella.You see women,never ever condone any bulllsh*t from them because they will never stop pushing it to you.

I made many mistakes by condoning too many sh*t in my marriage,at the end nah me still dey at fault and wetin I no wan make e happen dey look me for face right now.
Never will I tolerated such again from any woman.

Treat her fukc up accordingly bro

alexola20:
Bro,treat her fukc up wella.You see women,never ever condone any bulllsh*t from them because they will never stop pushing it to you.

I made many mistakes by condoning too many sh*t in my marriage,at the end nah me still dey at fault and wetin I no wan make e happen dey look me for face right now.
Never will I tolerated such again from any woman.

Treat her fukc up accordingly bro

How long where you married for? And what were some of the things you claimed you condoned in your marriage?

The moment you accepted to start
going to the market
bathing the kids for school
doing home chores

all these while she does nothing and goes to work.
That was the moment she saw you finish.
No matter what these modern girls say nowadays on social media that they want men who helpout in kitchen and in the home, better know its the devil speaking through them without their knowing.
The moment you start doing those things even them will start looking down on you gradually.
Nature has made men MEN and women WOMEN. We cant change our nature no matter the modernity or education we claim to have.
Once you start acting like a woman in the home by taking up her role you start losing respect and attraction.
Even her cant control her reaction to such.

Bro, I painstakingly read all the comments in this thread to reach at this conclusion.

From your response, you acknowledged that you did something wrong to your wife which derailed you marriage and you failed to state it.

My observation:

She is still bearing grudges against you, in so doing using every means to get back at you.

The summary is she has not forgiven you, to the extent that she hates your child that is close to you shows deep and bottled anger against you.

My Advice:

Call her on her good mood and have a heart to heart talk with her. Show her that you are truly sorry for whatever you may have done in the past.

Let her see reasons that abandoning her home and neglecting her children in the guise of getting back at you will affect the children at the long run.

She has the right to be mad at you but transferring the aggression to the children is a no no.

Finally, present the issue to God in prayer and ask him to change your wife's heart towards you, while you earnestly seek for her forgiveness.

If you do all this and she refuses to change, my brother you can't kill yourself.

Arrange for a matured helper that will be in your payroll that will be coming around to do the house chores and probably cooking.

Continue to show your wife love and hope for the best.

Shalom!

PeaceJoyLove:

You are the fo.ol who did all things. Who sent you? You used Bible as the standard, I knocked your teeth off. Now, you want to use the Nigerian custom. Na by force do all those worthless activities? Find your level and cut your coat according to your size. You want to be Lord Lugard, those are your responsibilities Prov 31 tells you to do simply by including servants where she is told to cook. If you cannot do it, you are a worthless man. See, all the toasting, diamond rings, heavy bride price, wedding expenses, house rent, are your responsibilities. No one asked you to do beyond you. If you find a woman pushing you do beyond you, release her. If you continue, you are the fo.olish one.

Did I not tell you that you shouldn't go to Prov 31? If I dissect if for you, shame go catch you..and on top everything, you should provide servants for her. I didnt send you to not use your sense and pay N3 million naira as bride price. You should use your head to find a woman who will not ask you to have an elaborate wedding you cannot afford. The mu.mu you, the heavy money you used to feed people and pay heavy bride price, you could have invested it in buying dish washers & washing machine, and one year female maid salary.

Sir, sit tight and look for Prov 31 kind of woman. Cut your coat according to your size. Stop being a blocked head.

Ok

I read where op made a statement about his area being full of girls, and that side chicks will come and go. I don't know whether that is a veiled admission or not. Whatever the case maybe, the wife surely has an axe to grind with him.
I am certain that the op has not said everything. He is holding back. If he has been keeping side chicks especially during his trips, or around, this may be responsible for the woman's action. Assuredly, she's over doing it as it's affecting the children. What's she learning in the church she frequently attends.
I guess people are wired differently

MALIGNANTGuest:

CAREER doesn't stop her from performing her conjugal & supportive roles.
I study 8hrs everyday, on the average.
I get home from work, clean up the cabinet, wash the bathroom as well as other things.
When you attach sensitive values to yourself, people around will gravitate towards you.

His WIFE is not a more career person than I am.
I crave for sound knowledge especially new ones.
She should better brace up.
The world is moving & no one waits 4u.

In a nutshell, I detest LAZINESS and excuses.
IF his WIFE isn't a HELP MATE, what then is she?

Yes that d problem, I don't understand why she's neglecting her home

okoroemeka:
when I told my father that I want to marry,he laughed and sat me down and asked me if I have seen him and my mother fight,I said no,he asked again if I have ever seen people come to settle dispute for them,I said no,he told me so long I have decided to get married I will be responsible for whatever happens,that I will never call him if we have problems obviously he will not come ,that it is me that will settle the dispute, asking strangers on nnairaland what you will do in your marriage is wrong,take the bull by the horns,talk to your wife,allow her to vent her anger so you might understand what went wrong,she is a woman,you can easily control her if you know how.

The good thing he actually did by bringing up this issue here is that you've given him a very good advice, so I think he didn't bad after all, besides, Nairaland is sort of a faceless forum.

Married for 12 years.
Sorry bro,I won't be able to share some of the stories here.
It's actually a sad story to be honest.It just made me to put all women in the same category, from mother,sister,wife and MIL.They are all the same selfish as*holes
Just man up and don't take sh*t from any of those beings.
All of them will leave you without blinking an eye anytime anyday.

Kobojunkie:
How long where you married for? And what were some of the things you claimed you condoned in your marriage?

MALIGNANTGuest:

MARRIAGE is not joke these days.
For my kind of man, Any Lady that Feels she can get employment through marriage has failed.
My Wife knows that.
She knows what arouses me.
And she knows I am hollow in terms of Feelings.

Start making arrangements for a second and competent wife and see her WAKE UP.

Tufiakwa!! I pity your wife.

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

Based on what you have mentioned no Man wish to pass through what you are currentling enduring but sincerely speaking ending your marriage of 15 years isn't a good decision, consider the fate of your Children first, do you want them to be product of a broken home? Which i knew is capital NO.

So in the business of marriage Communication is very vital.... division of labour is important in this case: divide the house chores among yourselves.

If you are a Muslim i suggest you should look for a decent lady to marry as a second wife otherwise manage what you hav but dont even think about divorce again.

ahnie:
Forget I love you in marriage.marriage is hard,forget being married to your best friend, marriage is hard!hard!!and hard!!!

I think marriage should be scrapped completely coz it's an unending pit....

Building a business is hard. Building a marriage is hard. Most times people don't see marriage as an institution that require work and commitment. All the things that make building a great work team also apply to marriage. Things like communication, sacrifice, trust and looking out for each other.

If a hard working team member suddenly changes attitude, you try to trace back what went wrong and how can it be corrected for the overall good of the team. When such happens in marriage, some spouses simply say their partners changed and start the blame game without bothering to trace issues.

From all the OP has said, it is difficult to give any advice without assumptions. I would tell him to either give more details or go back and communicate with his wife. Let them trace back and bare their minds to each other to know what went wrong. There is hardly smoke without fire. It is against the law of nature that people suddenly change without any reason at all.

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

Based on what you have mentioned no Man wish to pass through what you are currentling enduring but sincerely speaking ending your marriage of 15 years isn't a good decision, consider the fate of your Children first, do you want them to be product of a broken home? Which i knew is capital NO.

So in the business of marriage Communication is very vital.... division of labour is important in this case: divide the house chores among yourselves.
If she's adamant then employ the service of house help.

If you are a Muslim i suggest you should look for a decent lady to marry as a second wife otherwise manage what you hav but dont even think about divorce again for the sake of your offsprings.


NB: if all the measures prove abortive consider taking the issue to her parents or whoever you think she will listen to.