cococandy:
Thankfully I haven’t lost a close family member yet so it makes sense that I’m not talking about my own specific family here, right?

You’d think maybe it’s more of an observation on how things are generally done in the culture where I am from.
Also my post is not a personal attack on you. Dial back on the unnecessary aggression .

Not a family specific at all..this is the cultural practice if you really want to attend an in-laws father or mother burial.

cococandy:
Thankfully I haven’t lost a close family member yet so it makes sense that I’m not talking about my own specific family here, right?

You’d think maybe it’s more of an observation on how things are generally done in the culture where I am from.
Also my post is not a personal attack on you. Dial back on the unnecessary aggression .

It's not about unnecessary aggression or anything of such, OK. I don't like the idea of anyone distorting facts wittingly or unwittingly. You and I know that in the same Igboland, the poor have always buried their relatives based on the size of their pocket, culture or no culture.

It's the same thing when some myopic people from or outside the Igboland, or bigoted hateful people from outside the Igbo land, strive hard to tell whosoever cares to listen that anyone who wants to marry an Igbo woman must pay and spend millions, whereas evidence abounds everywhere that people from within and outside marry Igbo women based on the size of their pockets or how they present themselves culture or no culture.

Culture has never been about how the dead people did their things; rather, it has always been about how the living people choose to do their things.

mariahAngel:
If it were your father’s burial, wouldn’t you do what is expected of you?
Your wife’s father is also your father, so you have to do what is expected of you. It is your obligation.

You brought the matter to nairaland looking for excuses and support on why you shouldn’t fulfill your obligations, knowing fully well that traditionally, it is what is expected of you.
When you’re done fantasizing, you’ll log off and go see what you can and should do about the situation.
It might not be easy, but it is not impossible. O ruola n’omume!

Lmao....I wouldn't encourage even an Enemy to borrow and do occasion in this dwindling economy...Payment might lead to depression for some people.

If he is lucky he has other people than can assist in burying their Father-in-law, it is fine...

But, he must accept he failed in little contributions he should make...And it should be a boost to hustle for him, Maybe he can single handedly sponsor his memorial service to redeem himself.

Who hold today, fit be broke tomorrow...

A friend ones told me some years ago he found it difficult to feed, his wife elder sis treats him like thrash...Even tried to discourage the sister from dating him wayback...But today, dude is a multi millionaire...Guess what, he is even a means of livelihood for most of his In-laws now..Especially the one that hated him most...

When you experience somethings in this life, their is a level to your chills and focus as man precisely.

OP is probably in a down moment...It should be a motivation for him...Seeing he can't even be in decision making to bury his second father.

This time last year, My aunt and her hubby faced similar case when her MIL passed on...Her SIL...almost humiliated her...Dad had to come in to assist them at least cook something personal to serve their own guest...

But guess what, few weeks after the burial their last son in Turkey, called and told them to relocate somewhere...he pulled down their old house and erected a bigger modern house in 2months...Got them nice ride and a driver, Infact their life has changed as we speak.

Life is not that deep if we no carry stuffs for head...Like if it doesn't happen now, heaven will fall.

Sonnobax15:

The same thing happened to one of my neighbor as at Three months ago...He felt the pressure to the extent that he even went to take a loan from LAPO..... Right now,as I'm typing this,the nigha don run comot from him house because he has been unable to pay back his debt..

So op,use your head.... And you better cut your coat according to your cloth

Am not even considering Lapo but of course if I could get to borrow elsewhere where I can pay in peace without heart attacks then fine

mariahAngel:


Negotiate with them to cut it down to what you can manage to give.
I don’t see the need for three goats and all that.

Lol...

Wahala for who no get money in law come die..

Karlman:

Not a family specific at all..this is the cultural practice if you really want to attend an in-laws father or mother burial.

Did you married from Anambra? Or SE state?

Karlman:


Three big goats. Eight yams. Four cartons of beer. Four gallons of palm wine. ...is a 150 k expenses where do I go and borrow that at this time.

I believe u married the first daughter, that's by the way.
See dey no dey do burial finish. Don't put your in a situation that will take time to heal.
No go do pass yourself, as u hv stated before that u can only afford packaging your wife and kids down to the village for the burial, pls do that and also u can add some palm wine bcs palm wine is cheaper.
As for the goat, abeg no go reason that side, pls the dead man is gone and not here to make merry

RightToReject:





It's not about unnecessary aggression or anything of such, OK. I don't like the idea of anyone distorting facts wittingly or unwittingly. You and I know that in the same Igboland, the poor have always buried their relatives based on the size of their pocket, culture or no culture.

It's the same thing when some myopic people from or outside the Igboland, or bigoted hateful people from outside the Igbo land, strive hard to tell whosoever cares to listen that anyone who wants to marry an Igbo woman must pay and spend millions, whereas evidence abounds everywhere that people from within and outside marry Igbo women based on the size of their pockets or how they present themselves culture or no culture.

Culture has never been about how the dead people did their things; rather, it has always been about how the living people choose to do their things.

Of course you have a point bro but of course as an Inlaw to a family you would want to fulfil cultural demands and put smile on your partners face but then again when resources are limited as is the case now the shame stares you in the face that you couldn't represent

If you don't have money, I advise you borrow a little to support...even if it's ₦20k.

In-Laws have a way of tagging your incapacitatedness on relevant issues forever.

Munzy14:

Lol...

Wahala for who no get money in law come die..

As they say, wahala no dey finish, but challenges are surmountable.

Karlman:
My In-laws are doing their father's burial and I don't have money kindly advise.
This is really a serious matter as I have only two weeks left.
Elders in the house kindly advise a brother.
Thanks



Chief Lalasticlala ... Mynd44 Dominique and all mods kindly uplift this post as I am on very hot seat please.
Thanks

Afford what you can, if you can't, delay is not denial...

You can always redeem yourself later...

Genuinely, do the little you can, and heaven will not fall...Even if it is culture, the gods are wise and can be lenient.

In this trial time, your wife and kids are your priority, anyother thing is extra if the money isn't there.

If you can't meet up, return home few days to burial and help out with errands to cushion side talk stuffs.

You can be a major financier of the memerial service if you pick up from your trial moments.

No go do pass yourself o...Depression is real and dangerous for a family man.

chatinent:
If you don't have money, I advise you borrow a little to support...even if it's ₦20k.

In-Laws have a way to tagging your incapacitatedness on relevant issues forever.

Exactly!

Borrowing is not a crime, neither is it a taboo.
Onye ri ndu ga a kwu ugwo o ji and life continues.

mariahAngel:


As they say, wahala no dey finish, but challenges are surmountable.

Challenges makes us tougher and wiser na.

mariahAngel:


Exactly!

Borrowing is not a crime, neither is it a taboo.
Onye ri ndu ga a kwu ugwo o ji and life continues.

Mbano?

RightToReject:

It's not about unnecessary aggression or anything of such, OK. I don't like the idea of anyone distorting facts wittingly or unwittingly. You and I know that in the same Igboland, the poor have always buried their relatives based on the size of their pocket, culture or no culture.

Well the same poor people still sometimes have to borrow and go into debt to make the funeral happen. Why should it be so? Even if they eventually completed the funeral ceremony, they still experienced some form of extortion and had to haggle price or negotiate their way out of performing some “requirements”. At a solemn moment in their lives.

I call it extortion because sometimes the community mentally measures the pocket of the deceased’s children and they are tasked according to what the people perceive they should be able to afford even if it’s accurate or not. That means it’s not even a real requirement. It’s just an opportunity for them to mooch off the dead person’s children especially if they think they have money.

Poor or rich, should a grieving family even be dealing with that in the first place? I don’t understand why you would classify something that happens in the majority of cases as me distorting the truth. That’s very insincere of you.

Or maybe you can say it’s different where you come from and I’ll be like “alright”. But where I am from it’s how they do and it doesn’t sit well with me. That’s all I’m saying.

It’s not a competition of whose culture is better because I can already tell that a few of my brothers and sisters are going to be in here getting hurt over the truth. It is what it is. Other tribes have some weird things they do too that makes me .
You should be able to say something is not cool even if it’s your folks that are doing it.

It's the same thing when some myopic people from or outside the Igboland, or bigoted hateful people from outside the Igbo land, strive hard to tell whosoever cares to listen that anyone who wants to marry an Igbo woman must pay and spend millions, whereas evidence abounds everywhere that people from within and outside marry Igbo women based on the size of their pockets or how they present themselves culture or no culture.

while this may or may not be true, I’m not prepared to delve into that traditional marriage issue now.

Culture has never been about how the dead people did their things; rather, it has always been about how the living people choose to do their things.

Oh cool. So that means we the living can say the truth about what we see and maybe change things for our children.
I have nothing against extravagant ceremonies. As long as it’s not being done to fulfill an obligation rather it’s being done by the family on their own volition. If I can afford to, I would do Obi Cubana style funeral for my parents without any pressure from anyone but I would really detest for some old man I’ve never met in my life telling me I owe him 5 cows as a requirement before they will let me bury my loved ones.

mariahAngel:


Exactly!

Borrowing is not a crime, neither is it a taboo.
Onye ri ndu ga a kwu ugwo o ji and life continues.

Onye na enwehu ihe oji akwu ugwo kwanu?


If them knock for his door after burial, voom! Obi ama fuo ya..lmao

Munzy14:

Afford what you can, if you can't, delay is not denial...

You can always redeem yourself later...

Genuinely, do the little you can, and heaven will not fall...Even if it is culture, the gods are wise and can be lenient.

In this trial time, your wife and kids are your priority, anyother thing is extra if the money isn't there.

If you can't meet up, return home few days to burial and help out with errands to cushion side talk stuffs.

You can be a major financier of the memerial service if you pick up from your trial moments.

No go do pass yourself o...Depression is real and dangerous for a family man.

Thanks

Karlman:

Not a family specific at all..this is the cultural practice if you really want to attend an in-laws father or mother burial.

Yea it’s not family specific. And I realize some areas may be a bit different from the others even if their culture is similar.

I’m familiar with situations where the requirements are being set by people you’ve never heard of in your life. There should be moderation.

Hopefully we won’t be growing into elders who extort grieving families

Munzy14:

Challenges makes us tougher and wiser na.

Op seems like he’s afraid, but there comes a time in one’s life when you need to step out your comfort zone and do what you have to do.
Sometimes, we allow ourselves to be unnecessarily overwhelmed by a situation, when there are options we’d rather not take.

chatinent:


Mbano?

Yes.

Karlman:

Baba its easier said than done. My wife is already on panic mode fearing I might not make it and it would be a disgrace for her if I couldn't come up with what culture demands of me.

No go enter geese or trouble ooo. They should manage whatever resources they have for the burial. I no get no be crime ooo.

For your wife, support her as much as you can emotionally making her understand it is best you people stay afloat than sink because of pressure. No matter what is done. It wouldn't bring back the dead.

Munzy14:



Onye na enwehu ihe oji akwu ugwo kwanu?


If them knock for his door after burial, voom! Obi ama fuo ya..lmao

I chiga ochi?
Ya wurukwanu s’owu nna ya nwuru, owu o gahu e li ya?

mariahAngel:


Negotiate with them to cut it down to what you can manage to give.
I don’t see the need for three goats and all that.

Lol they are not asking you anything ...you yourself know what's required of you.
The three goats you take there one would be given back to your people who went there and some of the yam and drinks too which they your people will come back with to come and enjoy themselves...like I said this stuffs are cultural

mariahAngel:
If it were your father’s burial, wouldn’t you do what is expected of you?
Your wife’s father is also your father, so you have to do what is expected of you. It is your obligation.

You brought the matter to nairaland looking for excuses and support on why you shouldn’t fulfill your obligations, knowing fully well that traditionally, it is what is expected of you.
When you’re done fantasizing, you’ll log off and go see what you can and should do about the situation.
It might not be easy, but it is not impossible. O ruola n’omume!

What kind of post is this na? Should he borrow/steal to please? Should he act despicably just to save face? Why put him under unnecessary pressure?

Kobojunkie:
While he definitely shouldn't steal or kill himself, he still should submits to paying up when he eventually comes into enough money to pay for his share of costs.

Why the share of cost to start with? The family shouldn't so more than they can afford. There's no need pleasing the people at their expense.

GboyegaD:


What kind of post is this na? Should he borrow/steal to please? Should he act despicably just to save face? Why put him under unnecessary pressure?

You won’t understand.

Karlman:

Lol they are not asking you anything ...you yourself know what's required of you.
The three goats you take there one would be given back to your people who went there and some of the yam and drinks too which they your people will come back with to come and enjoy themselves...like I said this stuffs are cultural

Do you think your people can support you in any way?

mariahAngel:


This question is unfair.
Would you ask him the same if it were his father?
This is his wife’s late father we’re talking about here, not some distant uncle.

I will ask more because if his immediate family cannot understand his plight then he will be better off without them.

NoToPile:
Karlman, the economy is not smiling on a lot of people this days, please do not resort to crime or borrowing ( either LAPO, loan apps whatever).
You said you can afford money to package your family to the location of the burial, very good, if you can get a little sum as salary advance ( less than your monthly salary oo ehen) to hold as pocket money that will be good.

Go there, you may not have money but assist physically the way you can as an in law even if it is organization.

You can explain to your in-laws how things are for now, later you can pay the requirements when you can afford it, you might not tell them this but have it at the back of your mind.

God help you bro, don't enter gbese for burial oo .

He just resumed his job as such, he might not be able to get much days off. He better hold up his job than tell more stories in the future.

mariahAngel:


Op seems like he’s afraid, but there comes a time in one’s life when you need to step out your comfort zone and do what you have to do.
Sometimes, we allow ourselves to be unnecessarily overwhelmed by a situation, when there are options we’d rather not take.

I am afraid of course...the timing is most inappropriate for me. Who do I run and I very hate the idea begging around everyone giving you a million excuses why they had millions only yesterday and have just lend it to someone two minutes before you came. And of we all know the country is now.

GboyegaD:


Why the share of cost to start with? The family shouldn't so more than they can afford. There's no need pleasing the people at their expense.

That is where negotiation comes in.
In Igbo land, when it comes to dealing with your in-laws, things are done amicably, and not by I can’t and won’t do it gragra

Karlman:

Thanks bro but shame wouldn't let me show my face there if can't do what I am supposed to do and too is not a one man journey so normally I have to come with my people and of course those elders can't follow you anywhere to go and present themselves empty handed its a shameful journey my people will never undertake. Just like you said if in the end I was only able to send my wife as that's all my salary can cover then so be it.

Seems you are more bothered about pleasing people than to be true to yourself. If you hurt yourself with excessive thoughts and injure yourself, dem go still carry on with or without you. Oga, you have done your best, don't over stress it.