Rubbiish:
What of the dad?
Male children don't fear mothers naturally

God bless our 80's parents, planks, dilpass, brooms did the jobs. Today we're a better person, it's unfurtunate thesame us now claim pampering kids

sfx9ja:
Guy it's not about rights here but the best way to train a child.

Your child is right to tell you when you are hurting him emotionally with your training. When you cane them, don't they cry out? They at least have that right to exclaim, you then decide whether you will learn from their pain or continue to blindly damage them as you will.

The child also has his right to say his mind...na African people dey beat pikin and scold...Still dt doesn't make them d best in the whole world...there are many ways we can correct a child not necessarily shouting...if the mother is used to shouting at her children, definitely she would start shouting at her husband too and even her Blood pressure is at stake...I will advise she needs to talk to his class teacher and some schools now offer moral education and counseling for children...we have Orphans that are doing well and we have those who have parents that are bad...and what has his father done about this?

Karleb:
For your child to say you should stop shouting at him actually shows disrespect.

Correct that!

Teettyllayho:

Please I need advise from people with grown up kids.

Honestly, parenting is not easy. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My first son is 7 but he is kind of slow. However, he's above average in learning and he's learning at his pace. I understand all of this and I'm always happy to guide him.

But I don't know if I'm too hard or too soft on him because I use to talk to him a lot. I only beat him when he does something serious (like going against my rules, or not doing his homework when he should).

These days, whenever I scold him, he would give me a sad look and he might even shout saying: "I've heard you!" Then, he will be alone in a corner for some time.

Sometimes, I'd go close to him and tell him why I had to scold him and he'd say "I don't like it when you shout at me" I'd apologize and hug him (I don't even know if I'm spoiling him by apologizing). .

I don't know how to scold without putting a bit of action at least. Shey I'll be whispering and scolding ni? Sometimes, I'll leave him and pretend as if I didn't see him when he brings up such attitude.

Last week, he mistakenly brought back someone else's lunch box home because they look very much alike. I told him it's okay that it happens and I promised to write his name in bold when he brings back his box the next day to prevent such from happening again.

Could you believe that he came back with the other person's lunch box again? When I asked him, he said he didn't see his lunch box and the boy that took his own. Then I asked: Did you tell your class teacher? Are you sure you know the boy?

His reply: I didn't tell my teacher because I know the boy and I went to his class but he wasn't there.

So, I figured that he must have gone to check once and didn't bother to check again. And he didn't bother to also tell his class teacher.

So, I was very mad this time and told him not to bring someone else's property home again, no matter what!

I think he would have told his teacher if he really valued his property because he told me something that made me really mad the next morning.

"Mummy, or will you buy me another lunch box since we can't find mine?" Luckily for me, he was brushing his teeth then and I was bathing for his sister. The resounding slap I gave him on his back brought back his senses.

I don't know why he always want something new. He spoilt the lunch box I bought for him and his sister o and he's using another one now. That is, he wants me to buy a third one while his sister is still using the first one? How na?

I don't even know what to think. Why would he want a new box when he's barely used the new one?

Then, he's always talking about how his classmates use to bring different kinds of food ( he wasn't like this before o).

I try as much as possible to make different foods for him too, and he's stopped complaining.

We recently changed his school and his new school has quite a lot of pupils. I Don't know if that's affecting him.

Honestly, I'm bothered about the changes and I don't know how best to address it.

I've made him understand countless times that he should always be content with whatever he has and he shouldn't compare himself with anyone.

I just finished with another round of lecture now and he has tears in his eyes saying:

"Mummy, stop shouting at me. It makes me sad"

I was heartbroken and felt guilty seeing him like this and I did everything possible to make him see why I had to shout or scold.

Please how can I scold a child without shouting? Am I spoiling him? Can someone help with tips?
Honestly, I'm tired!

@poster, I understand your frustrations. Parenting is one thing you do that you are not even trained for. I know this because I am in same shoes as you.

As a father of two boys, let me give you advice that I think will help:

1. Stop "beating your child" at every opportunity. Use other forms of training.

(a) My sons have Toys he cherishes. Whenever he misbehaves, all his Toys get seized for the period that I mention. And he never gets it back until that time period elapse And he has to do an apology to receive it. if your child has a phone or food allowance, then restrict it.

(b) Naughty Corner: If he misbehaves, he has to go to a section of the house that I call naughty corner. That naughty corner is one place he doesn't like going to.

(c) Not taking him out: You threaten (and go ahead with that threat) not to take him out to a fun place for any misbehaviour.

Only reserve "beating" as the final last resort (once in a blue moon). If you have to beat, get a cane and flog on the buttock only and it should be minimal.

Please stop slapping, hitting. It is not good for a child. Trust me, you don't want a child that is Timid or overly resistant from hitting. You are making him think slapping, hitting is a normal thing and he will do it to his own kids and (maybe wife) when he gets older.


Now to how you can best support him:

2. Please buy him a different coloured lunch box. Make it different, so that the box won't be mistaken by other kids.

To be honest, I think him bringing the other kid's lunch box home is him building his logical sense of reasoning. The dude is learning to take initiative. You cannot take good initiatives until you take a few bad ones.

So please don't beat him because of that.

3. When correcting your child, correct in love. Don't correct out of frustration. When you correct out of frustration, you tend to shout.

I learnt this from my madam. I use to correct my child when I am angry, I have learnt (over time) to breathe in and out ten times before correcting and this now works better.

I correct without shouting or "fuming" and I have seen the better results.

4. No child is slow. He is just natured in a way where he does things after thinking about it thoroughly. Not all children will be impulsive.

Help your child build resilience. Introduce him to games (if he is not doing any yet). Encourage him to take fit activities like football, tennis or any other physically active games that is available in your area.

5. learn to allow him to make choices. e.g. From age 1, I always pick two socks and let my child decide which one he wants to wear. e.g. Yellow or Green socks (i place them in front of him) and allow him to choose.

This singular act helps a child build a mind of their own to make good decisions.

6. Pray for your child. It doesn't matter if you are a Christian, Muslim or Traditionalist. Pray for them and even praise them in your own language. I actually created oriki for my child in Yoruba. e.g. Omo Akin, Omo nla Omo Oba Alajule Orun, Omo Oba alabe a sassi ti soju ooo ba pofiri. He loves when I say it and smiles because I say it when he has done something impressive.



Finally, please know that changing a child's school changes his routine and changes the environment he is used to. So cut him some slack, let him build awareness of his new environment.

See, our children are a reflection of us. I's normal for children to feel left out if all their classmate brings a different type of meals to school and they only bring just one.

It happened to us all while we were young. And it will continue to happen. Don't resent your child for wishing he was like other kids. After all, we adults sometimes wish we have what others have. The only difference is that we don't envy them (or envy secretly)

I hope my little piece helps you. Again I will repeat, please stop hitting your child at every instance. Trust me, there are other ways of disciplining a child that is more effective.

DeepSight:
For a person who believes that he/ she owes his/her parents nothing, you're one to speak on this subject. You'd better shut your lousy trap and stay away from a subject such as this since you have no appreciation for the work of parenthood.

Grow a brain already!

EhisChelsea1:
You and your 7 old child both need to work on an arrangement on how he should be disciplined or how he should be raised.

Very interesting. No wonder this generation is raising very wayward and lawless kids

You dey read at all?

Adesina18111:
The child also has his right to say his mind...na African people dey beat pikin and scold...Still dt doesn't make them d best in the whole world...there are many ways we can correct a child not necessarily shouting...if the mother is used to shouting at her children, definitely she would start shouting at her husband too and even her Blood pressure is at stake...I will advise she needs to talk to his class teacher and some schools now offer moral education and counseling for children...we have Orphans that are doing well and we have those who have parents that are bad...and what has his father done about this?

Parents from other continents still beat and scold their children. Last time I checked, half of the states in US still allows corporal punishment.

If a child is not taking to correction, how else do you correct them especially when you are angry they are refusing to listen to you?

When you are angry, you shout. It's a way expressing your displeasure especially in this OP's case.

Vinnie2000:
OP, You should NEVER apologise to ur child after you have scolded or beat him! Shows terrible Weakness on your part and he might capitalise on this and misbehave more!

It does the opposite actually.

Kobojunkie:
I beg to differ since I am working with a 3-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 9-year-old even as we speak.

No be gra-gra dem dey take raise well-adjusted children. Y[b]ou have to be willing to die to your ego in order to raise kids who can not only stand up as individuals but stand tall no matter where life takes them.[/b]

You made a solid point there. I am sad that lots of parents here think there is something wrong in a child saying "I don't like it" to their parents. It is a good trait which every child must grow with. The wrong training most of is had of having to accept everything (especially from so called elders) is largely the reason why we have a counyry-full of docile youth that are incapable of standing up to corrupt leaders.

Karleb:
For your child to say you should stop shouting at him actually shows disrespect.

Correct that!

I disagree. Nothing is achieved by shouting. The children of today can let you know youre shouting.

I apply reasoning techniques. Asking questions. Why did you do this? Do you think is OK to do this? What other ways do you think you could have done this? If someone else do this to you would you be happy?

This helps the child to listen and reason. It helps the child to build his thinking and reasoning pattern.

Don't shout on or beat your child at the slightest mistake or disobedience. They get used to it and there's no coming back from that.

Spell out the rules in the house and corresponding consequences. Make sure they are aware and know these rules.

When they default, reason with them. Ask, what is the consequence for what you have done? If it's 5 strokes, do it but don't ever add extra strokes no matter how angry you are. If you do, the kinds will find it hard to trust you. You too are breaking your own rule and God won't be happy with you. Let your yes be yes and no, no. 5 strokes is 5 strokes.

What do you guys think?

Firstly - Do not limit your source of advice to "People with Grown Up Kids" because
many of us have our 2 Cents to chip in having passed through that stage of life.

Having said that, I am a man of Faith - The Bible says in Proverbs 13:24
"When you Spare the Rod, You Spoil the child"

What I have learned is that children are always extending their spheres of influence... What do I mean by this?
They learn to act in all sorts of ways and when not corrected, they take it to mean that their actions were approved
When an adult is present and corrects them or disciplines them - They Learn.

Now I am not saying you should SEVERELY Punish or be OVERBEARING
But make them to realize that actions have consequences and repercussions.

Proverbs 29:17 - "Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul." (NKJV)

Proverbs 23:13 - "Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die." (NKJV)

Please note that you do NOT have to always physically punish them or beat them. Employ methods to make them
Think about their actions. Now this applies to both boys and girls...

The Internet is full of instances and examples and I really should not need to tell you this...

Discipline Your Children (Boys and Girls).

Teettyllayho:

Please I need advise from people with grown up kids.

Honestly, parenting is not easy. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My first son is 7 but he is kind of slow. However, he's above average in learning and he's learning at his pace. I understand all of this and I'm always happy to guide him.

But I don't know if I'm too hard or too soft on him because I use to talk to him a lot. I only beat him when he does something serious (like going against my rules, or not doing his homework when he should).

These days, whenever I scold him, he would give me a sad look and he might even shout saying: "I've heard you!" Then, he will be alone in a corner for some time.

Sometimes, I'd go close to him and tell him why I had to scold him and he'd say "I don't like it when you shout at me" I'd apologize and hug him (I don't even know if I'm spoiling him by apologizing). .

I don't know how to scold without putting a bit of action at least. Shey I'll be whispering and scolding ni? Sometimes, I'll leave him and pretend as if I didn't see him when he brings up such attitude.

Last week, he mistakenly brought back someone else's lunch box home because they look very much alike. I told him it's okay that it happens and I promised to write his name in bold when he brings back his box the next day to prevent such from happening again.

Could you believe that he came back with the other person's lunch box again? When I asked him, he said he didn't see his lunch box and the boy that took his own. Then I asked: Did you tell your class teacher? Are you sure you know the boy?

His reply: I didn't tell my teacher because I know the boy and I went to his class but he wasn't there.

So, I figured that he must have gone to check once and didn't bother to check again. And he didn't bother to also tell his class teacher.

So, I was very mad this time and told him not to bring someone else's property home again, no matter what!

I think he would have told his teacher if he really valued his property because he told me something that made me really mad the next morning.

"Mummy, or will you buy me another lunch box since we can't find mine?" Luckily for me, he was brushing his teeth then and I was bathing for his sister. The resounding slap I gave him on his back brought back his senses.

I don't know why he always want something new. He spoilt the lunch box I bought for him and his sister o and he's using another one now. That is, he wants me to buy a third one while his sister is still using the first one? How na?

I don't even know what to think. Why would he want a new box when he's barely used the new one?

Then, he's always talking about how his classmates use to bring different kinds of food ( he wasn't like this before o).

I try as much as possible to make different foods for him too, and he's stopped complaining.

We recently changed his school and his new school has quite a lot of pupils. I Don't know if that's affecting him.

Honestly, I'm bothered about the changes and I don't know how best to address it.

I've made him understand countless times that he should always be content with whatever he has and he shouldn't compare himself with anyone.

I just finished with another round of lecture now and he has tears in his eyes saying:

"Mummy, stop shouting at me. It makes me sad"

I was heartbroken and felt guilty seeing him like this and I did everything possible to make him see why I had to shout or scold.

Please how can I scold a child without shouting? Am I spoiling him? Can someone help with tips?
Honestly, I'm tired!

creolehunt:
Some people are even hailing the kid for "being smart and intuned". People forget that what they see in foreign movies is just a movie.

SMH

What you actually see in Many of the foreign movies is reality of how it is done in foreign lands.

Teettyllayho:

Please I need advise from people with grown up kids.

Honestly, parenting is not easy. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My first son is 7 but he is kind of slow. However, he's above average in learning and he's learning at his pace. I understand all of this and I'm always happy to guide him.

But I don't know if I'm too hard or too soft on him because I use to talk to him a lot. I only beat him when he does something serious (like going against my rules, or not doing his homework when he should).

These days, whenever I scold him, he would give me a sad look and he might even shout saying: "I've heard you!" Then, he will be alone in a corner for some time.

Sometimes, I'd go close to him and tell him why I had to scold him and he'd say "I don't like it when you shout at me" I'd apologize and hug him (I don't even know if I'm spoiling him by apologizing). .

I don't know how to scold without putting a bit of action at least. Shey I'll be whispering and scolding ni? Sometimes, I'll leave him and pretend as if I didn't see him when he brings up such attitude.

Last week, he mistakenly brought back someone else's lunch box home because they look very much alike. I told him it's okay that it happens and I promised to write his name in bold when he brings back his box the next day to prevent such from happening again.

Could you believe that he came back with the other person's lunch box again? When I asked him, he said he didn't see his lunch box and the boy that took his own. Then I asked: Did you tell your class teacher? Are you sure you know the boy?

His reply: I didn't tell my teacher because I know the boy and I went to his class but he wasn't there.

So, I figured that he must have gone to check once and didn't bother to check again. And he didn't bother to also tell his class teacher.

So, I was very mad this time and told him not to bring someone else's property home again, no matter what!

I think he would have told his teacher if he really valued his property because he told me something that made me really mad the next morning.

"Mummy, or will you buy me another lunch box since we can't find mine?" Luckily for me, he was brushing his teeth then and I was bathing for his sister. The resounding slap I gave him on his back brought back his senses.

I don't know why he always want something new. He spoilt the lunch box I bought for him and his sister o and he's using another one now. That is, he wants me to buy a third one while his sister is still using the first one? How na?

I don't even know what to think. Why would he want a new box when he's barely used the new one?

Then, he's always talking about how his classmates use to bring different kinds of food ( he wasn't like this before o).

I try as much as possible to make different foods for him too, and he's stopped complaining.

We recently changed his school and his new school has quite a lot of pupils. I Don't know if that's affecting him.

Honestly, I'm bothered about the changes and I don't know how best to address it.

I've made him understand countless times that he should always be content with whatever he has and he shouldn't compare himself with anyone.

I just finished with another round of lecture now and he has tears in his eyes saying:

"Mummy, stop shouting at me. It makes me sad"

I was heartbroken and felt guilty seeing him like this and I did everything possible to make him see why I had to shout or scold.

Please how can I scold a child without shouting? Am I spoiling him? Can someone help with tips?
Honestly, I'm tired!

It sounds like you apply your methods of discipline too frequently and indiscriminately, that's the reason you are apologising. You know you aren't being fair. There should be a balance between what you permit your children and what you won't tolerate and you should make it clear to your children or else you risk causing them emotional instability which is what you are seeing happen with your son. Children rely on their parents for stability both physical and emotional and if you are constantly disturbing that balance you will have children who are either constantly sad or constantly angry.

johhbekeboh09:
In this scenario I only I see a single parenting (mother) no father figure around him and children in such family set up do rebel against parental authority

So kids raised by both parents do not rebel at all?

The nerves on some of you ehn?

bigcasava1:
what about the aspect of it, I mean prayers and anointing them b4 going to school. Cos some of the schools this days are on a mission to initiate innocent children you will now manifest ing strange characters. My daughter complain of the school proprietress of feeding her with her own food bcoz my daughter came to school with indomie that indomie is not good for the children now guess what she gave my daughter? Spaghetti! I was mad! I tumble the school! They started begging. From that day b4 my children go out I will anoint them and fire prayers on them. That's my own little advice for you.

All that na rubbish!

Jesus Christ, not even God, no send you your Pagan rituals of anointings and the lot.

Your indoctrination don't help raise better but instead a gullible lad more prone to foolishness as a lifestyle. As a parent, it is your duty to validate/confirm the truth of what you claim before attempting to teach it to your kids so you don't end up passing what is your foolishness down one more generation.

Kobojunkie:
Wrong!

If your shouts are causing him anxieties, he has a right to let you know. You both then need to work on an arrangement that limits the Shouting and gives you both piece of mind.

None of my children will try such nonsense with me, I don't try such with my parents. You dare not.

7 years old for that matter, what will happen by the time he reach 27 years.

mmsen:
Nigerians think that anything besides extreme depravity and abuse is 'spoiling' a child.

There are people who genuinely believe that beating a child is right but when those people who were abused as children go on to abuse their power as adults (as most Nigerian leaders do) they are confused as to why a person would behave in that manner.

This is the last place I would come to for parenting advice.

We express outrage whenever police men resort to slapping or pummeling civilians on our streets on a regular basis... we forget that most of them learned these things from watching their parents do this too.

This situation is an example of why a father figure is important as young children grow. However, keep on spanking with one hand and comforting with another.

Animegirl:
Omoh!!! This matter pass me.

Lemme wait for mummies and daddies here to do the needful.

I have a cousin with exact behaviour as your son. I sha noticed, the Dad doesn't take nonsense from his boy. Everyday is back to back beating for the boy.

small girl with...

Kobojunkie:
We express outrage whenever police men resort to slapping or pummeling civilians on our streets on a regular basis... we forget that most of them learned these things from watching their parents do this too.

Thank you.

This is what I was saying earlier about children learning cause and effect.

As it is, everything is solved with violence, gragra and force. This is why.

Your mechanic cannot take the time to diagnose a problem, but will force open your engine. Because that is all he has learnt through his life. Agidi and gragra

nisah:
I have notice something in my house, my wife scolds on virtually everything the children does and that affects the way they fear her, and i think this is very common with women. Talk to your husband to consider taking a month leave from work so that you can jointly fix the issues.

And what about homes where the situation is same even with a mother and father right there in the home?

xtervaganza:
Omo ti wa fun ni blow lenu

Every wonder why Olopa feels It is his place to give you blow too when you open your mouth to speak?

Karleb:
For your child to say you should stop shouting at him actually shows disrespect.

Correct that!

If he says that again, get cane and give him a good flogging. That boy is going astray

PROPEACE:

You made a solid point there. I am sad that lots of parents here think there is something wrong in a child saying "I don't like it" to their parents. It is a good trait which every child must grow with. The wrong training most of is had of having to accept everything (especially from so called elders) is largely the reason why we have a counyry-full of docile youth that are incapable of standing up to corrupt leaders.

BINGO!

cmecproblem:
This situation is an example of why a father figure is important as young children grow. However, keep on spanking with one hand and comforting with another.

Majority of us were raised with those so-called "father figures", so how many are as bold, confident and assertive individuals as say many of the world leaders raised in broken homes?

Stop yammering abeg!

Karleb:
For your child to say you should stop shouting at him actually shows disrespect.

Correct that!

Honestly, my younger ones cannot even dare it. That boy is getting spoilt!

Kobojunkie:
Wrong!

If your shouts are causing him anxieties, he has a right to let you know. You both then need to work on an arrangement that limits the Shouting and gives you both piece of mind.

When we get to UK, he should say that but here in Nigeria.. Noooo

Kobojunkie:
That sounds very cruel.

On the contrary it doesn't. I remembered an incident that took me years to understand.

I wrote my common entrance exam in SANTOS (2002) when I was in primary 4 unlike my peers who have to wait another 2 years and I came 2nd among over 1k students.

Luckily for me, the student who came first didn't come for registration which technically mean I'm the best student in the school. After the first term examination I came 4th in a class of 80 and my dad beat the hell outta my head. He tied me to a chair and whipped me like he's never did before.

Year after year I saw him as a cruel man, cos to me that was a fair result. Years later after I've grown to be a man I asked him why he treated me that way cos I haven't forgotten about it and his response was "of you can overcome over 1k students and place second then you place 4th in a class of 80 you must have played too much or lose focus."

Truly that beating reset my brain.

Na too much of verbal scolding spoil this our generation. Sometimes action is needed, when ge grows he'll understand why he's getting the discipline.

I was praying a few months ago and suddenly I felt like the Spirit of God telling me to bond emotionally with my kids.

I got the message. Being a dad, I had priorly acted and likely thought (without me being conscious of it) that my only job was just to make sure my kids turned out right, and that the way to achieve that was through being the a disciplinarian. How wrong I was! I began to play more with them and do things I know they liked. I now want to make sure we have beautiful memories together.

I knew that God wasn’t telling me not to discipline them, no. It’s just that in an atmosphere of emotional bonding, correction is taken in good faith.

I also realized that day that if I didn’t bond with them, I will never be able to help them when they need help, because they’d have grown up thinking that I didn’t care, and so they’d never let me into their innermost struggles or joys for that matter.

Bond emotionally with the kid, and correct him as needed. They way you’ve described your kid, if this goes on, he may have difficulty forming emotionally stable relationships which may lead to all sorts of problems and/or him being drawn to abusive people or him abusing others as the case may be.

I really hope you get to read this. You are not alone in this, and you will win eventually, as you do things right.

For all you know, other kids at school may be taunting him and you may then come across like them when you scold him at home. They may maybe be telling him hurtful things like encouraging him to be nasty at home.

The way to short any of the above possibilities is to keep the door to his heart opened to you by being friends with him. That door must not be closed!

And if you have issues with his dad, please keep them out of it and settle these issues when they aren’t there.

Thank you, God bless you ma.

luuvv:
When we get to UK, he should say that but here in Nigeria.. Noooo

Is this mother not there in Nigeria? The celebrities you all love to worship, many of who were themselves raised by parents who allowed them to flourish both intellectually and behaviorally, were they not also raised right there in that same Nigeria?

Stop thinking that commonsense is completely foreign to every Nigerian. I was myself raised in that same country by parents who chose to take a different route and I am a better individual for it. You can raise your kids well too in that same Nigeria if you are willing to.

My thought is that her husband should be able to handle the situation differently and i do not expect that their situation will be so bad that they cannot jointly address this issue. If however, they both cannot; then let them continue to apologize anytime the child react negatively for been corrected. I pray that Almighty intervene in their situation.

Kobojunkie:
And what about homes where the situation is same even with a mother and father right there in the home?

Dat is not true my boy is scared of d mum more than me,

Teettyllayho:


Hmm. Is this true? Male children don't fear their mothers?

Dad comes around during weekends.