Some even pretend to change but return to their original after marriage

Jirilistic:
Some go in with the mentality of "e go change one day"
Well some actually do change,but if that red flag is so great and after giving d person a considerable amount of tym and he/she doesn't change b4 marriage, my brother/sister Omo dem nor go change o

OP's examples are lying, cheating, disrespect.

When you're partner does them to you, you can never be happy. It only chips away at your self worth, self esteem, confidence, happiness

Tonyman55:
sometimes you need to overlook some errors... Happy marriage is made of
30%forgiveness
40%love
30%trust
once you are in love you will be ready to trust and if he makes mistake you forgive and you have to keep forgiving to make sure you both will continue to be happy

Cyntie55:
No one is perfect. Everybody has that red flag traits in them. All we need to do is to manage the red Flag of our partner hope he/she would change.

How are you sure you're not gonna see worse red flag out there, if you eventually end the relationship?

Red flags are not the same as flaws

Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked

If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on

Kobojunkie:
There are truly no red-flagless relationships or marriages out there. Every marriage, good or bad, has them. Instead, people are meant to accept or tolerate those red-flags where possible..

What we do in every single relationship is access the possible risks of the red-flags a possible partner comes to the table with, and decide if the burden is bearable or not at that point. This is why I think It is not really correct to go asking others about the weight of potential red-flags because in the end, only You can and should best access that for yourself.

Red flags are not the same as flaws

Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked

If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on

bepositive11:
Red flags are not the same as flaws

Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked

If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on

I borrow my definition from the post below.

What Are Relationship Red Flags?

If you've played the game "Red Flag or Deal Breaker" with friends, then you know that some "red flags" are totally subjective. Most of the time, they're specific to each individual and their "values, desires, and preferences," according to Jessica January Behr, Psy.D, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Behr Psychology in New York City. (For example, not being religious may be a deal-breaker to one person and a total non-issue to another person.)

Also, what we consider to be a red flag can evolve over time. "What is a red flag today, might not be one tomorrow, and vice versa," Dr. Behr adds. That said, "some common red flags that people report have to do with communication, values, and judgment," she explains.

Sometimes we get a warning sign, either by someone's words or actions, that they're not ready for a relationship, or not ready for a relationship with you, explains dating expert and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge Logan Ury. But depending on the person and the behavior, it could take one date or several years for that alarm bell to sound.

And unfortunately, it's totally common for us to miss these red flags when we're blinded by love, says matchmaker Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking. "People can be emotionally charged and ignore the red flags in the beginning, or find a way to deceive themselves to lessen the impact because sometimes they just don't want to face reality," explains Trombetti. "Other times, they just miss them if their picker is off or they lack boundaries." Sometimes, they only come into focus once the relationship is over. "You can clearly see them in hindsight and lots of people [realize] the warnings were there," she says.

https://www.instyle.com/lifestyle/relationship-red-flags

Kobojunkie:
I borrow my definition from the post below.

Again, red flags are not the same as flaws

Red flags are signs that you cannot have a healthy relationship with a person

Yes, they are subjective. Yes, they evolve with time. But some red flags are universal like the ones OP mentioned - lying, cheating, disrespect

Hezzyluv:

Lol...

D'banj said "I dey see well well but them say love I blind oo" so, love is not blind to that extent.

For me ooo,
1.They still go ahead to get married to the person simply because, they feel I can change him or her from these attitudes once we marry. Forgetting the fact that you're not God that has the power to change anything.

2. For the guys they're more concern about the outward appearance, then the attitude inward beauty.
She carry front...
She carry back...
She took packaged...
I can't leave her...
And so on.

For the ladies,
He has six packs
Tall and handsome
His trouser has huge d!ck packed inside
And most importantly, he's loaded.


So they go ahead and marry. After 3months, they will come to nairaland and start complaining with headline such as

..Help, my spouse is promiscuous
..Help my wife is toxic
..My husband comes home late and this happened
..and so on and so on


And my advice to them will be you saw the red flag, yet u went ahead and married him or her. So, carry your cross. If I try for my advice, I go tell the person tell it to God in prayers. But, even God himself warned you by showing you the red flags, you choose to follow your way.

no one is perfect! how many relationships person want dey change upanda simply because of red flag? Na to dey jump from one man or woman to another na

bepositive11:


Red flags are not the same as flaws

Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked

If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on

Flaws and red flags mostly have same definition. If you end that lying or cheating relationship of yours, how are you sure you're going to see someone better. Mind you I'm not in support of a cheating or lying partner.

Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship. My Partner smokes like he's in a competition with a car exhaust, although I'm not happy and I do advice him but then that does not mean I should end the relationship.

I don't know if my next relationship might be worse, probably the next guy could be a chronic cheater, drug addict or woman beater.

So my dear, I just have to manage and endure with him.

Cyntie55:
Flaws and red flags mostly have same definition. If you end that lying or cheating relationship of yours, how are you sure you're going to see someone better. Mind you I'm not in support of a cheating or lying partner.

Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship. My Partner smokes like he's in a competition with a car exhaust, although I'm not happy and I do advice him but then that does not mean I should end the relationship.

I don't know if my next relationship might be worse, probably the next guy could be a chronic cheater, drug addict or woman beater.

So my dear, I just have to manage and endure with him.

Flaws and red flags are not the same

Flaws can be overlooked, but red flags cannot be overlooked

Red flags are the things that indicate that you can't have a healthy relationship with a person. That's why lying and cheating falls under red flags. If there's lying, for example, how can you trust your partner's words? If there's cheating, how can you have peace of mind when having sex without fears of STDs?

Smoking is a flaw to you because you feel that you can still have a healthy/functional relationship even though you're not happy with the habit. You can still trust your partner

When there's no trust, there's no relationship. Unhealthy relationships with lying and cheating will only drag you down - your self respect, self confidence, self esteem, happiness, peace of mind, etc will diminish with time

Flaws are things like snoring, excessive sweating, bad breath, etc. These can be overlooked or managed. You can still have a healthy relationship with someone despite their flaws

Wizywiz:
My brother na so me I see my own red flags oo.. family warn me I no hear...papa warn me I no hear...brothers and sisters warn me I know hear...Las Las we Don go out seperate ways ooo...make person no die for nothing... atleast am a happy man now...four years wasted..God is good all the time...now I don wash eye with Klin and hypo join..

your own better,mine was 6years wasted

bepositive11:


Flaws and red flags are not the same

Flaws can be overlooked, but red flags cannot be overlooked

Red flags are the things that indicate that you can't have a healthy relationship with a person. That's why lying and cheating falls under red flags. If there's lying, for example, how can you trust your partner's words? If there's cheating, how can you have peace of mind when having sex without fears of STDs?

Smoking is a flaw to you because you feel that you can still have a healthy/functional relationship even though you're not happy with the habit. You can still trust your partner

When there's no trust, there's no relationship. Unhealthy relationships with lying and cheating will only drag you down - your self respect, self confidence, self esteem, happiness, peace of mind, etc will diminish with time

Flaws are things like snoring, excessive sweating, bad breath, etc. These can be overlooked or managed. You can still have a healthy relationship with someone despite their flaws

Sir, red flags and flaws are the same. I put it to you that flaws cannot be overlooked too.

Red flags and flaws are behaviors that show a deep rooted issue and indicators that you could end up in an unhealthy relationship.

For example, if the person you're dating MUST talk to you 100 times a day and hates when you go spend time with your friends without them, that is indicative of unhealthy behavior (i.e. issues with codependency)

Sir, flaws and red flags are the same.

Aaaaarghmed:
your own better,mine was 6years wasted

my brother is well ooo....mine lied about almost everything about her ....it's well Sha marriage no be do or die affair...if it's not working it's not working

Wizywiz:
My brother na so me I see my own red flags oo.. [b]family warn me I no hear...papa warn me I no hear...brothers and sisters warn me I know hea[/b]r...Las Las we Don go out seperate ways ooo...make person no die for nothing... atleast am a happy man now...four years wasted..God is good all the time...now I don wash eye with Klin and hypo join..

There is no exact science to these things.

There are many who got married around the same time that you did and remain married to this date who observed similar red flags in their relationships prior. Red flags don't necessarily mean it will absolutely never work. Instead they are indicators that we must proceed cautions.

Jennyclay:
I created a thread early January this year seeking for an advice about how my boyfriend is keeping malice with his father for over 3 years, even till today without opening up to me about what actually happened. Mind you he's a great guy with good qualities. But I saw that "malice" as a big red flag. But most nairalanders were saying Men are scares, you better continue with the relationship.

What if we had little misunderstanding in marriage will he forgive me or keep malice with me for years? If he can't forgive his father despite I've tried severally to talk to him politely, will he even forgive me? That was a very big red flag for me. I don't want to feel lonely in marriage.

If you're in a potential relationship and he/she is displaying some unwanted characters and you're seeing the signal clearly that it's a red flag but you're hoping he/she is gonna change, hmmm.. Honestly it's not easy to change a full grown man/woman. Don't give yourself false hope he/she will change.

Being in a Relationship is not all about Intercourse But interview. What do you do during an interview? You have a chance to communicate and study each other personality and character, it would be so easy to detect red flags. Don't be carried away by sex, money and gifts.

I read your post you mentioned in this post. You are an analytical thinker I guest.

May God lead you aright to the person that will value your worth. It's good not to take some steps emotionally.

Cyntie55:
Sir, red flags and flaws are the same. I put it to you that flaws cannot be overlooked too.

Red flags and flaws are behaviors that show a deep rooted issue and indicators that you could end up in an unhealthy relationship.

For example, if the person you're dating MUST talk to you 100 times a day and hates when you go spend time with your friends without them, that is indicative of unhealthy behavior (i.e. issues with codependency)

Sir, flaws and red flags are the same.

Codependency is a red flag

Everyone has flaws because no one is perfect

But not everyone has red flags

Please do a Google search to learn about the difference

Edit: Maybe red flags are flaws too, but some flaws can be overlooked while no red flag should be overlooked. And not all flaws are red flags

And people tend to refer to things as flaws when they're not too serious a problem to be called red flags

I replied initially because you claimed that red flags can be overlooked. I wanted to explain why they can't be overlooked and based on your reply, it seems that you now understand that

Please Google to learn the difference

Francisanointed:
Pardon my grammatical errors
A lot of people who regretted getting married to their spouse can attest to the fact that they saw the "red flags" but they insist on continuing the relationship and getting married.
Why do people do this ? Married men/women, single ladies/guys,what make/made you to think of marriage even after the red flags
A girl continues a relationship or marry a guy that beats her often,cheats on her unrepentantly,abuse her and disrespects her.
A guy continues a relationship where he sees the girl cheats,lies and disrespect him. Sometimes you know there are things you can't naturally tolerate but you tolerate them in relationship and eventually when you get married,you want those things you tolerated in your marriage to stop. That is impossible!
I know you can't marry someone that is 80 percent a version of you. But you must know what you can cope with

Why do people get married with someone they saw "red flags" ?

From female perceptive, they carried away by money ,gifts , handsomeness and pressure.

From male perceptive, they Carried away by sex and ass.

After marriage and perhaps children, eyes will now open wide.

Cyntie55:
Flaws and red flags mostly have same definition. If you end that lying or cheating relationship of yours, how are you sure you're going to see someone better. Mind you I'm not in support of a cheating or lying partner.

Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship. My Partner smokes like he's in a competition with a car exhaust, although I'm not happy and I do advice him but then that does not mean I should end the relationship.

I don't know if my next relationship might be worse, probably the next guy could be a chronic cheater, drug addict or woman beater.

So my dear, I just have to manage and endure with him.

Hope you can cope with odor of cigarette in his mouth and in the house and how will you cope in future if he is sending ur daughter/son to buy cigarette for him and eventually your son starts smoking? You think deeply, if you don't see them as big deal, u re free to roll on.

I will also ask you, if you are not sticked with him mainly because on his money ,fame or handsomeness?

bepositive11:
Again, red flags are not the same as flaws
Red flags are signs that you cannot have a healthy relationship with a person

Yes, they are subjective. Yes, they evolve with time. But some red flags are universal like the ones OP mentioned - lying, cheating, disrespect

I will stick with the definition from the article instead since my experience has exposed me to how even some of my flaws, many of which I have come to accept as a part of who i am, are considered by some on here as redflags.

Kobojunkie:
I will stick with the definition from the article instead since my experience has exposed me to how even some of my flaws, many of which I have come to accept as a part of who i am, are considered by some on here as redflags.

Another Nairalander made me see the obvious that red flags are in fact flaws

But not all flaws are red flags. Some flaws can be overlooked but red flags should never be overlooked

Those red flags that you have, you need to work on them if not you can't have a healthy relationship

bepositive11:
1. Another Nairalander made me see the obvious that red flags are in fact flaws
But not all flaws are red flags. Some flaws can be overlooked but red flags should never be overlooked
2. Those red flags that you have, you need to work on them if not you can't have a healthy relationship

1. I choose not to complicate the simple things. For me flaws are red flags and red flags are flaws. It makes it easier to deal with since the same rule pretty much apply to both where relationships are concerned. You pay attention to all of them and choose only those whose flaws/redflags you can live with.

2. Not all red flags can be worked out like wrinkles out of a shirt. Some are just a part of your make up, and so you simply need to find those who don't have hangup about them. I know them and make sure they are on the table right from the door, and I also no longer apologize for having them.

Kobojunkie:
1. I choose not to complicate the simple things. For me flaws are red flags and red flags are flaws. It makes it easier to deal with since the same rule pretty much apply to both where relationships are concerned. You pay attention to all of them and choose only those whose flaws/redflags you can live with.

2. Not all red flags can be worked out like wrinkles out of a shirt. Some are just a part of your make up, and so you simply need to find those who don't have hangup about them. I know them and make sure they are on the table right from the door, and I also no longer apologize for having them.

Everyone has flaws because no human is perfect

If you have red flags, you have a problem. You will hurt yourself and the people you love with those red flags

bepositive11:
Everyone has flaws because no human is perfect

If you have red flags, you have a problem. You will hurt yourself and the people you love with those red flags

Well, you know how they say," one man's meat is another man's poison"? Well, one man's flaw/red flag could be another man's blessing in disguise.

The people I love accept my flaws/redflags. Ofcourse if took some serious getting used to but they have learnt to not only tolerate but accept it, just as I have had to.

Fiscus105:


Hope you can cope with odor of cigarette in his mouth and in the house and how will you cope in future if he is sending ur daughter/son to buy cigarette for him and eventually your son starts smoking? You think deeply, if you don't see them as big deal, u re free to roll on.

I will also ask you, if you are not sticked with him mainly because on his money ,fame or handsomeness?

We have been dating for 5 years now (we met in our final year at uniben). I copied with him for years and he's not stupid enough to start sending our kids to buy cigarettes for him if eventually we get married.

He smokes if he hang out with his friends, he can never smoke in his house, I visit him often and his house is always neat, there's no sign of cigarettes pack, odor or ashes.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not in support of his red flags, like I stated earlier I always advice him to stop smoking.

He respect me, he don't beat me, he's transparent with me he don't cheat on me. By the special Grace of God we'll get married by next year.

I can't cope with a woman beater or a cheating guy. Never!!

Mind you, my boyfriend is just like every other average Nigerian who is working and hustling legally to earn a living, he's not broke neither is he rich, he's just on an average.

bepositive11:


Codependency is a red flag

Everyone has flaws because no one is perfect

But not everyone has red flags

Please do a Google search to learn about the difference

Edit: Maybe red flags are flaws too, but some flaws can be overlooked while no red flag should be overlooked. And not all flaws are red flags

And people tend to refer to things as flaws when they're not too serious a problem to be called red flags

I replied initially because you claimed that red flags can be overlooked. I wanted to explain why they can't be overlooked and based on your reply, it seems that you now understand that

Please Google to learn the difference

I have been a nairalander for 3 years now and this is my FIRST post or comment on Romance Section, if I'm lying to you, feel free to go through all my comments and quote me if you ever see me on romance section.

I'm not always active on romance section because I don't like to interfere on people's relationship matters. But This particular topic drew my attention so that people could read and learn that red flag and flaws are the same. Infact after today, I don't think you will see me here on romance section probably till 3 or 4 years later. Meanwhile I'm active here on nairaland.

Most ladies see a smoking partner as big red flags, Infact total turn off (but here you are saying it's flaws)

Most ladies have no issue with codependency (but here you are saying it's a red flag)

Most ladies can endure a woman beater as a partner but I can't.

Are you aware that most ladies can endure a cheating partner but I can't.

My point here is that, red flags and flaws are the same.

Cyntie55:
We have been dating for 5 years now (we met in our final year at uniben). I copied with him for years and he's not stupid enough to start sending our kids to buy cigarettes for him if eventually we get married.

He smokes if he hang out with his friends, he can never smoke in his house, I visit him often and his house is always neat, there's no sign of cigarettes pack, odor or ashes.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not in support of his red flags, like I stated earlier I always advice him to stop smoking.

He respect me, he don't beat me, he's transparent with me he don't cheat on me. By the special Grace of God we'll get married by next year.

I can't cope with a woman beater or a cheating guy. Never!!

Mind you, my boyfriend is just like every other average Nigerian who is working and hustling legally to earn a living, he's not broke neither is he rich, he's just on an average.

I biliv u read where I said............if you don't see it as big deal you are free to roll on....... you are the one who wants to leave with him and not me, ........... I can perceive ur emotions for the question I asked, hope you can cope ooooo if........

This is enough to establish the situation if he eventually smoking at home and send his kids to buy it for him.

He would be leader of the family and father of his kid in future, if he chooses to send him/her......

Cyntie55:
* Most ladies see a smoking partner as big red flags, Infact total turn off (but here you are saying it's flaws)
* Most ladies have no issue with codependency (but here you are saying it's a red flag)
* Most ladies can endure a woman beater as a partner but I can't.
* Are you aware that most ladies can endure a cheating partner but I can't.

My point here is that, red flags and flaws are the same.

All of them known flaws/redflags which can be linked with accepted cultures and upbringing of Nigerian men.

We have to be careful with our words. The reason I keep replying to you is because I don't want people to overlook red flags. Red flags are what cause toxic relationships and marriages

We all have flaws. No one is perfect. But not all of us have red flags. If we have them, we need to work on them to have healthy relationships with our partner

This is a very complex topic. The reason some people overlook red flags is because they are psychologically wounded.

If you look at the history of people in abusive relationships, they grew up in dysfunctional families and battle with childhood trauma. Narcissists, borderlines, codependents - these people really struggle to identify red flags and walk away. Some are afraid of being alone. Some are afraid of being abandoned. Some are afraid of being vulnerable. Some are desperate to feel loved and wanted. And so on

Just because a person gets into a relationship with a partner with red flags doesn't mean that the red flags no longer exist. Those red flags still exist and the relationship will be toxic and unhealthy and do even more physical, psychological, and/or emotional damage to both partners involved

The reason you can't tolerate those red flags is because you are not as damaged as they are.

I'm speaking from experience. The more I heal, the less tolerant I am of red flags

Cyntie55:
I have been a nairalander for 3 years now and this is my FIRST post or comment on Romance Section, if I'm lying to you, feel free to go through all my comments and quote me if you ever see me on romance section.

I'm not always active on romance section because I don't like to interfere on people's relationship matters. But This particular topic drew my attention so that people could read and learn that red flag and flaws are the same. Infact after today, I don't think you will see me here on romance section probably till 3 or 4 years later. Meanwhile I'm active here on nairaland.

Most ladies see a smoking partner as big red flags, Infact total turn off (but here you are saying it's flaws)

Most ladies have no issue with codependency (but here you are saying it's a red flag)

Most ladies can endure a woman beater as a partner but I can't.

Are you aware that most ladies can endure a cheating partner but I can't.

My point here is that, red flags and flaws are the same.

Can you please name those red flags?

Are they along the lines of lying, cheating, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, beating, name calling, stealing, lack of empathy, black and white thinking, stonewalling, silent treatment, excessive control, excessive jealousy, codependency, intimidation, low self esteem, extreme insecurity?

I keep replying because I don't want people to see your comment and start thinking that it's ok to overlook red flags - it's not! It's the cause of toxic relationships and marriages

Some flaws can be overlooked but no red flag should be overlooked. Period.

Kobojunkie:
Well, you know how they say," one man's meat is another man's poison"? Well, one man's flaw/red flag could be another man's blessing in disguise.

The people I love accept my flaws/redflags. Ofcourse if took some serious getting used to but they have learnt to not only tolerate but accept it, just as I have had to.

Jennyclay:
I created a thread early January this year seeking for an advice about how my boyfriend is keeping malice with his father for over 3 years, even till today without opening up to me about what actually happened. Mind you he's a great guy with good qualities. But I saw that "malice" as a big red flag. But most nairalanders were saying Men are scares, you better continue with the relationship.

What if we had little misunderstanding in marriage will he forgive me or keep malice with me for years? If he can't forgive his father despite I've tried severally to talk to him politely, will he even forgive me? That was a very big red flag for me. I don't want to feel lonely in marriage.

If you're in a potential relationship and he/she is displaying some unwanted characters and you're seeing the signal clearly that it's a red flag but you're hoping he/she is gonna change, hmmm.. Honestly it's not easy to change a full grown man/woman. Don't give yourself false hope he/she will change.

Being in a Relationship is not all about Intercourse But interview. What do you do during an interview? You have a chance to communicate and study each other personality and character, it would be so easy to detect red flags. Don't be carried away by sex, money and gifts.

Na Wa o. Pikin dey beef pally.
That's to say that there's a big problem.
Anything that transpired between them must have been of weight.
That doesn't mean he will do the same to you. Everyone has some kind of red flag. I have not been talking to three coworkers for about eight months now although if I have information to pass to them, I do that without hesitation.
Your guy may be the same though except he provokes at every slightest event.

bepositive11:
Can you please name those red flags?

Are they along the lines of lying, cheating, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, beating, name calling, stealing, lack of empathy, black and white thinking, stonewalling, silent treatment, excessive control, excessive jealousy, codependency, intimidation, low self esteem, extreme insecurity?

I keep replying because I don't want people to see your comment and start thinking that it's ok to overlook red flags - it's not! It's the cause of toxic relationships and marriages

Some flaws can be overlooked but no red flag should be overlooked. Period.

A quick look at some of the differences in the way we seem to process these things...

1. You seem to believe a healthy relationship is one devoid of redflags whereas I believe redflags are always present in our relationships,even marriages ... it cannot be helped really.

2. You seem to think that individuals can, by rejecting all redflags, gain happiness, but from my experience life uses pretty much the same flaws/redflags in training and advancing us to higher levels of maturity.
For instance, we typically attribute more wisdom to individuals who are able to handle/engage or interact with all sorts of persons regardless of their flaws/shortcomings or redflags.

3. You seem to think that by separating issues into Flaws and Redflags, you can better separate the concerns, but I think that by treating flaws and redflags as one, applying the same rules across the board, one is better able to, and with less complicstons, work out compatibility in any relationship.

---

DISCLAIMER: I in no way endorse or condone the evil that men and women perpetrate against their partners in relationships

underpinna:

That doesn't mean he will do the same to you. Everyone has some kind of red flag.

You are right! But it seems she and her man are not compatible at all this since this particular flaw is too much for her to handle so it is best she abandons ship.

I'm tired of going back and forth with you - you're just not getting my points. Please go and read reddit and quora threads on this topic - flaws vs red flags. They all agree with my perspective

I will honestly not tolerate a person like you with such red flags BTW. I hope you're working on them. I once had a friend with all of those red flags I mentioned and they screwed up my mental health. I cut them out of my life and I couldn't be happier

Have a great weekend

Kobojunkie:
A quick look at some of the differences in the way we seem to process these things...

1. You seem to believe a healthy relationship is one devoid of redflags whereas I believe redflags are always present in our relationships,even marriages ... it cannot be helped really.

2. You seem to think that individuals can, by rejecting all redflags, gain happiness, but from my experience life uses pretty much the same flaws/redflags in training and advancing us to higher levels of maturity.
For instance, we typically attribute more wisdom to individuals who are able to handle/engage or interact with all sorts of persons regardless of their flaws/shortcomings or redflags.

3. You seem to think that by separating issues into Flaws and Redflags, you can better separate the concerns, but I think that by treating flaws and redflags as one, applying the same rules across the board, one is better able to, and with less complicstons, work out compatibility in any relationship.

---

DISCLAIMER: I in no way endorse or condone the evil that men and women perpetrate against their partners in relationships