bepositive11:
I'm tired of going back and forth with you - you're just not getting my points. Please go and read reddit and quora threads on this topic - flaws vs red flags. They all agree with my perspective

I will honestly not tolerate a person like you with such red flags BTW. I hope you're working on them. I once had a friend with all of those red flags I mentioned and they screwed up my mental health. I cut them out of my life and I couldn't be happier
Have a great weekend

Kobojunkie:
I believe I have more than explained myself as far as these so-called flaws/redflags are concerned. Where relationships are concerned, you have to make certain you pick partners whose redflags/shortcomings you can handle - all relationships are meant to be unique in that too. You don't go in thinking because someone else can, you can too, that is a way to ensure quick death.

Cyntie55:
No one is perfect. Everybody has that red flag traits in them. All we need to do is to manage the red Flag of our partner hope he/she would change.

How are you sure you're not gonna see worse red flag out there, if you eventually end the relationship?

Kobojunkie:
There are truly no red-flagless relationships or marriages out there. Every marriage, good or bad, has them. Instead, people are meant to accept or tolerate those red-flags where possible..

What we do in every single relationship is access the possible risks of the red-flags a possible partner comes to the table with, and decide if the burden is bearable or not at that point. This is why I think It is not really correct to go asking others about the weight of potential red-flags because in the end, only You can and should best access that for yourself.

bepositive11:


Red flags are not the same as flaws

Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked

If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on

Cyntie55:
Flaws and red flags mostly have same definition. If you end that lying or cheating relationship of yours, how are you sure you're going to see someone better. Mind you I'm not in support of a cheating or lying partner.

Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship. My Partner smokes like he's in a competition with a car exhaust, although I'm not happy and I do advice him but then that does not mean I should end the relationship.

I don't know if my next relationship might be worse, probably the next guy could be a chronic cheater, drug addict or woman beater.

So my dear, I just have to manage and endure with him.

Wizywiz:
my brother is well ooo....mine lied about almost everything about her ....it's well Sha marriage no be do or die affair...if it's not working it's not working

bepositive11:
1. P.S. I don't have any of those red flags that I mentioned earlier - lying, cheating, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, beating, name calling, stealing, lack of empathy, black and white thinking, stonewalling, silent treatment, excessive control, excessive jealousy, codependency, intimidation, low self esteem, extreme insecurity

2. I used to have some but I worked on myself and I'm free from them now. I no longer tolerate such toxic behaviours anymore either

Kobojunkie:
1. I choose not to complicate the simple things. For me flaws are red flags and red flags are flaws. It makes it easier to deal with since the same rule pretty much apply to both where relationships are concerned. You pay attention to all of them and choose only those whose flaws/redflags you can live with.

2. Not all red flags can be worked out like wrinkles out of a shirt. Some are just a part of your make up, and so you simply need to find those who don't have hangup about them. I know them and make sure they are on the table right from the door, and I also no longer apologize for having them.

Yusufisraelj:
Even God knows I'll never settle for something less than a lady who loves Jesus, submits, is hospitable, truthful and respectful. I wouldn't mind other limitations (flaws). Excessive anger is also a big red flag, in fact I do self.

And no lady should settle for a guy who doesn't subscribe to the Bible for his way of life, has a human authority he respects and listens to, has passion for the lady (fidelity) and is responsible.

I'm not perfect ooo, I have my limitations but there certain price I've paid that I can't settle for less.

Yusufisraelj:
1. They are not the same.

2. Will you say someone who cheats and lies is same as someone who doesn't brush twice a day who maintains fidelity and truth? While both could be worked at the extent of damage to self and the other partner is not same. Hence the difference between a red flag and a flaw.

3. On average I'm a neat guy, I could date a lady who bath once a day, I don't mind. Provided she is true and loves genuinely, with time you'll discover that she'll make adjustments to be neat as well, bkos she loves you she can make that adjustment without feeling such as a burden.

4. But let's juxtapose the situation with a partner who gets angry excessively and destroy things, cheats and lie. Even you as a guy won't stay long there, let her be neat as whatever and beautiful, it doesn't cut the deal.
The factors driving this second lady will vary across board, from family background, to self esteem issues, to lack of contentment, peer influence, pressures and spiritual factors. These are not things to be taken lightly. while she profess love to her partner in truth she's false, and for this kind of unreasonable partner to change it will almost take a miracle.

5. Base on these backdrops my position on the difference between red flags and flaws, it doesn't matter the source of definition.

Kobojunkie:
Not even God promises anyone a redflagless marriage. If you don't believe me, consider the story of prophet Hosea, among others.

Marrying what you think there is of God will not keep redflags at bay. Open your eyes to the reality that is existence of many before you who claim they married themselves "Christian" partners. Many of them live in marriages laden with redflags, this while pretending God endorses denial in those situations.

God no send you or anyone go marry "Christian". Instead, He leaves that choice up to you as an individual - it doesn't matter whether you marry someone who believes as you do or you marry someone who doesn't, what God expects is that you chose with your eyes open, and considering each others flags/redflags is a wife way to go.

Kobojunkie:
1. Suit yourself!

2. There are what is described as open marriages out there. To those of us who like to be literal, it is cheating but condoned by some. Those who are in these marriages knew what they were getting into and clearly signed up for it. It would be silly to conclude that because this kind of marriage does not agree with you as an individual, that such people in it aren't happy.

Then there are those who can absolutely not stand anyone who doesn't brush at least twice a day. Those are individuals with unusual hangups born of flaws/redflags , possibly control issues, that they are in denial of.

Red-flags/flaws are processed using the same set of rules - you chose to go with what you can bear and that alone - this so they are more easily identified as what they are and not overlooked.

3. You do realize that what you think there to be a mere flaw is actually also a redflag? You indicated there that rather than accept your intended as she comes, your hope I she abandons her way to adopt your way as show of love for you, suggesting you have potential control issues?

Brushing ones teeth once a day is not a flaw/redflag, but just a habit formed on choices made in life. Same is bathing once a day. For instance, I bathe once a day because I don't believe in wasting water. I believe in resource conservation. That isn't a red flag/flaw.

4. This is where you are wrong about me. If I found myself in a relationship with a broken partner as you described, given my own experience, I would do my best to help get my partner the treatment and care necessary, with hope it would translate to improvements as far as our relationship is concerned. However, should my partner realize decide the relationship too much of a burden, I hope I will not hesitate to set such a one for of that burden since the last thing I want is to pose a burden to someone else's happiness.

5. To recap... habits are not flaws but instead choices we chose to live by for one reason or another. Flaws are redflags and as such as to be processed with care and attention to details.

Francisanointed:
Pardon my grammatical errors
A lot of people who regretted getting married to their spouse can attest to the fact that they saw the "red flags" but they insist on continuing the relationship and getting married.
Why do people do this ? Married men/women, single ladies/guys,what make/made you to think of marriage even after the red flags
A girl continues a relationship or marry a guy that beats her often,cheats on her unrepentantly,abuse her and disrespects her.
A guy continues a relationship where he sees the girl cheats,lies and disrespect him. Sometimes you know there are things you can't naturally tolerate but you tolerate them in relationship and eventually when you get married,you want those things you tolerated in your marriage to stop. That is impossible!
I know you can't marry someone that is 80 percent a version of you. But you must know what you can cope with

Why do people get married with someone they saw "red flags" ?

Jennyclay:
I created a thread early January this year seeking for an advice about how my boyfriend is keeping malice with his father for over 3 years, even till today without opening up to me about what actually happened. Mind you he's a great guy with good qualities. But I saw that "malice" as a big red flag. But most nairalanders were saying Men are scares, you better continue with the relationship.

What if we had little misunderstanding in marriage will he forgive me or keep malice with me for years? If he can't forgive his father despite I've tried severally to talk to him politely, will he even forgive me? That was a very big red flag for me. I don't want to feel lonely in marriage.

If you're in a potential relationship and he/she is displaying some unwanted characters and you're seeing the signal clearly that it's a red flag but you're hoping he/she is gonna change, hmmm.. Honestly it's not easy to change a full grown man/woman. Don't give yourself false hope he/she will change.

Being in a Relationship is not all about Intercourse But interview. What do you do during an interview? You have a chance to communicate and study each other personality and character, it would be so easy to detect red flags. Don't be carried away by sex, money and gifts.

Hezzyluv:

Lol...

D'banj said "I dey see well well but them say love I blind oo" so, love is not blind to that extent.

For me ooo,
1.They still go ahead to get married to the person simply because, they feel I can change him or her from these attitudes once we marry. Forgetting the fact that you're not God that has the power to change anything.

2. For the guys they're more concern about the outward appearance, then the attitude inward beauty.
She carry front...
She carry back...
She took packaged...
I can't leave her...
And so on.

For the ladies,
He has six packs
Tall and handsome
His trouser has huge d!ck packed inside
And most importantly, he's loaded.


So they go ahead and marry. After 3months, they will come to nairaland and start complaining with headline such as

..Help, my spouse is promiscuous
..Help my wife is toxic
..My husband comes home late and this happened
..and so on and so on


And my advice to them will be you saw the red flag, yet u went ahead and married him or her. So, carry your cross. If I try for my advice, I go tell the person tell it to God in prayers. But, even God himself warned you by showing you the red flags, you choose to follow your way.

aanuoluwami14:
Most of them are either desperate or rushing.