₦airaland Forum

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

YourFavEvangeli:
She's his babymama and they're in an open relationship but he finds it hard to date others so he's stuck with her. Watching the one you love date others is breaking him.

skoskosko:
I swear I tire. This is what every commenter did not see. Make a baby mama out of a young girl for 20 years! He is 40+, she is prolly in her mid 30s. Minus 20 years, it means she was in her teenage years With all her innocence when she met this unfortunate human being and he took her on an inglorious 20 years ride. For 1,2,3,4,5,10 years, no good reason was found to define the situationship properly. Just sexual gratification and childbearing. She can’t tell if she is his fiancée or boyfriend or fwb. Oya let her go and find her life, you selfishly won’t. The Op is a manipulative devil and ended up breaking the lady who is now stuck in time and dilemma.

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.
Any advice would be cool.

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Kobojunkie:
Make an appointment with a mental health counselor and seek help with finding yourself first. You may have lost you in that jungle that lasted over a decade. Seek help to help find you again and drag you out of where you are so you can begin anew.

Then go from there.

Gamesmart:
You come across like I vision husband.

Same energy and mentality.

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

MaziOfPH:
Obviously you haven't dedicated your life to something or someone 100% before, you can't even fully love yourself how could anyone expect you to give out genuine love

apatheticme:
Rule 2

Seun, kindly ban this troll who is obsessed with mentioning my moniker everytime with one insult or the other. I've been civil with him enough!

I don't understand his obsession with me!

cc farano
Rocktation

YourFavEvangeli:
Funny the majority didn't see it. The lady is obviously trying to get married to someone else since he's not interested in doing that. However, she still has feelings for him. I believe that if he marries her, the dating of other men will stop. Either way, he has to define the situationship and soon.

tianshie:
This is FAKE. COPIED from THE GUARDIAN. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/may/10/sexual-healing-partner-one-sided-open-relationship-broken-me-sexually-monogamous-children

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

seguno2:
He used the word, marriage, not so?
He also said that they are financially tied together?
Please how did you get baby mama inside all these

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

seguno2:
He used the word, marriage, not so?
He also said that they are financially tied together?
Please how did you get baby mama inside all these

Gamesmart:
Civil?

By being the first to start insulting me repeatedly, while I kept quiet?

Aunty of "civility":

https://www.nairaland.com/7047493/why-there-many-single-guys/17#111491721

https://www.nairaland.com/7047493/why-there-many-single-guys/17#111497436



You can't take your own medicine because you are "special"?

Unlike you, there in no single insult in my post you quoted, I just highlighted my thoughts and perception.

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

apatheticme:
Those banters are over 2months old, yet you're still mentioning me upandan.

Get over yourself dude, I've been civil enough with you. If you wanna tackle me, tackle me. I won't tolerate your further insults to my husband who you have never met, never interacted with, who definitely doesn't even know you exist. What is your business with my husband??

You said you never insulted me, yet I can show you countless times you kept dragging my husband here, yet I ignored your taunts!!

Let this be the last time you mention me or insult anything that has to do with me. Let's be guided pls!!

Cc farano
Rocktation

Cassahav:
Omo i understand the situation but i guess you be single man do you really know what love is??

Gamesmart:
Civil is calling me an incel?

You are the one that described how a man should be.

I can only assume since you are married and of sound mental health, you chose that kind of man that would do as you say.

Don't go around doing what you don't want done to you. You can do that with your husband, not me.

Take mine too as "banter".

Don't you just love how women like to minimise their wrongs with euphemisms!

MrBrownJay1:
she broke your spirit and made you to become who she wants you to be....to the point that you even believe you wouldnt be good enoug to anyone but her. as much as you hate the thought, you have to get away from this negative woman as you will never ever be valued by her again...so why stay?! you guys are roommates at best.

the future you dont know, is way better than what you are experiencing now...which is basically "nothing"!

Gamesmart:
Civil is calling me an incel?

You are the one that described how a man should be.

I can only assume since you are married and of sound mental health, you chose that kind of man that would do as you say.

[b]Don't go around doing what you don't want done to you. [/b]You can do that with your husband, not me.

Take mine too as "banter".

Don't you just love how women like to minimise their wrongs with euphemisms!

apatheticme:
And what exactly did I do to you??

You're so pained, can't get over shit, yet you were the first person who started quoting and saying rubbish on the thread!

Later y'all would say women are petty, yet you're still stuck on over 2 months online banters.

You're pathetic!

I don't even remember you exist, until I see your moniker in my mentions. Face me, stop hiding behind your mama's wrapper to taunt me with "husband".

Coward! Spits.

YourFavEvangeli:
He wrongly used the term "extramarital". No mention of marriage. Read again except in the Topic.

According to him, they are in a long term relationship and they are bounded by raising their kids and maybe they started a business together. Will u introduce your wife as your long term partner to stangers?

Deep down, he sees her as his wife but I don't understand why he hasn't done right by her for 20yrs now.

Girls grow up thinking about their wedding day. The term "married" gives women a sense of purpose and security and that's what's lacking here. Read in between the lines. He refused to define their situationship and she wants someone to put a ring on her finger. Since he can't give her what she wants, she doesn't hide her dating other men anymore and expects him to be okay with it.

Tu comprend?

Gamesmart:
I love your "civil banter". So I engage in it with you.