₦airaland Forum

moca:
Tuah! For nairaland?
Bc I'm saying d truth? Oya, make dem continu to die in silence.
It's not my portion. Abeg wives, be verrrrrry submissive o. If he pours u food, tell him thank u and go and prepare another dish. Upiantu!

babyosisi:
Wisdom
Very essential
From day one

But I have heard stories o
There was a story of a wife that the husband will beat up mercilessly and while she is balled up at a corner crying, in pain from all the bruises he will bring out his preek and urinate on her.
That is the worst abuse story I ever heard

moca:
Oluwa Jesu! Eewh, no self worth again. All have been eroded systematically. And he will still climb her o. Nwanyi ibe m have suffered.

babyosisi:
People say the divorce rate amongst Nigerians in the diaspora is high and attribute it to the women beginning to act Oyibo or turning feminists
Totally false
The simple truth is that she is less likely to take abuse when out here
Many things a nigerian wife will take in Nigeria,the same wife in the West will not take
Abusive men dey o
But a trip to a jail after a 911 call may reset his brain
Ad the call could be from a neighbor who heard the screams
From the children who are tired of seeing dad terrorizing the household
Some will simply file for divorce
What many women wouldn't do in Nigeria due to a culture where you must stay married so people don't talk about you

thorpido:
This is the height of it..............................and the woman stayed in the marriage?
That man doesn't deserve a wife and should even be prosecuted.

hayorbaami:
Wow! He is so wicked and should be taught some lessons.

I have an aunt who was physically abused for so many years. There was a particular day , after beating her, she was thrown out of the house in the middle of the night. She had to call my dad to pick her up.
Despite families getting involved , the abuse continued. The husband was also having extra-marital affairs with a woman 10years older than him and with 5kids.

One day, after the normal physical abuse, the husband left the house angrily. He met their family friend on the way who asked after the wife. Imagine the husband' s response'that he just finished beating her'. The family friend went to thier house immediately and saw my aunt in pain. The family friend who was an ex-soldier called the barracks to lock the guy up.
The husband spent 3days in the barracks and they refused to release him to his family members until the wife came to beg on his behalf. They asked him to write a statement never to lay his hands on his wife again.
He dare not lay his hands on his wife ever .
I think people like your husband needs iron hands to change.

heavyg:
I have been using my friends profile for some weeks now. It was very helpful.Thanks to those who answered my question the last time. I'm back again.

Been married a little over a week now, But have been unable to penetrate my wife/have sex.
We bought lubricant, We've had lots of pre-intimacy. None has worked.
She screams and grabs my hand when I try to penetrate her. Or she grabs my dik. She complains that I am hurting her perineum and I'm not aiming for the right place.

Even when her legs are open, feels like theres an iron door closed over her vagina. I try and I try and the most I've done is get the cap of my p in somewhat.
I've told her to allow me use my hand in creating an entry, but she refused and said she has a phobia for fingering But doesn't know why.

Is this How hard it is to deflower a woman or should I be worried....


P.S. We've started having arguments over this.

heavyg:
Gademit!

moca:
heavyg and ttymyluv, u r not smart. Before abraham,jesus was.

MojAyo:
dats why its good to marry with some sex experience,I can't imagine two virgins trying to d thing without experience

sunvick:
Nne calm down (Nwere ya nwayor oh!).
But seriously, you know what i mean. for e.g I asked a girl what her plans were after Uni, guess her response "well i want to get married to rich man, have my honeymoon in Paris and give birth to all my kids in America". Honestly me self give up.


Case in point: In this thread you can count how many ladies who imparted positively on there hubby, but the horrific experiences we are reading here I keep wondering where they all got it wrong.
Imagine a man pouring hot soup on his pregnant wife and expect people outside to respect her

Chinum:
Whatever rocks your boat. Remember that everyone was once a virgin. Being a sex expert requires some experience and one has lots of years in marriage to acquire that.

babyosisi:
I believe you and that's very sad
The same covetousness in every facet of life in Nigeria has made young girls and boys today to have their priorities upside down
It's not the girls alone
Ask the same question of a young man his plans will be to make millions overnight,drive the flashiest cars and own homes in the choicest places, travel the world no matter what it takes and his choice of woman is a young slim light skinned beauty even if she doesn't possess a brain in her skull.

babyosisi:
Elderly kwa
E don reach like that?
Efemenaxy please come o
Insult don enter

Just kidding

crowns2:
Please Ma have you seen my PM?

MojAyo:
dats why its good to marry with some sex experience,I can't imagine two virgins trying to d thing without experience

Hotstepper:
I was a virgin too when I got married 4 yrs ago. Infact, on my wedding day, my period started and I was so happy and wish it would last till God knows when lol. When we got home and it has stopped, once it's 8pm, off I ran to go and sleep lol. After 1 week, I had ran to go.nd sleep and he followed me and said it is going to happen today and he has been doing research too and talking to doctor friends.

It happened that night and I don't think it was painful but it was only because I positioned my mind that it would be because of the stories I read and heard. Infact, when it happened, I didn't know and I told him since we started already, he better get it done now cuz if he doesn't, I won't go ahead with it again. He laughed and said its now open.

That was it for that night den the following day, slowly, he entered nd after 5 entries, we are good to go and even the night I got disvirigned, I got preggy

Do a lot of fore play, put lubricant and enter slowly and above all, let her relax and not think of it been painful.

Because of this my experience, when I was preggy, I refused reading anybody relating to labour and all and I was fine.

Good luck

netotse:
In testing the waters you need to avoid doing things that aren't you, you mentioned that you weren't the shouting back type and you tried it and it didn't work. You might be one of those people with the quiet type of strength and not the agidi type. I would suggest you go through the advice and links posted and pick what you can work with.

Remember your goal is to pass across the message that the abuse is not ok and you wont stand for it. Your goal should not be to give him a shocker or any such thing. Attack the problem not the person.

If you didn't see any signs of abuse prior to getting married you can tell him that the man you married swore to protect and respect you and that you don't believe the man you married has any business treating you the way he does.

CAVEAT: if there are certain things you do that get his goat, he is likely to hold on to those things and use them as an excuse or his bad behaviour, it's been said several times on NL, there is no justification for him to abuse you verbally, emotionally or whatever so you must not allow yourself or anyone to make you feel you are the cause of his bad behaviour. That said, you must also take wise decisions during tense moments, pick your battles wisely, you guys are not enemies.

salsera:
@ttmyluv & heavyg

I read this written by a doctor who writes for a blog - you should be able to pick what may be relevant to you


Dear Dr. Craig,
I got married in January; and since we were both virgins I and my husband decided to wait until we after our wedding to have sex. As you can imagine we were looking forward to our wedding night, but when the time came to do it we were unable to. Maybe I should say, I was unable to. It was just too painful. We tried several times, but as soon as he started to enter I would feel a sharp pain that made it literally impossible to continue.

After about three weeks of trying unsuccessfully I decided that my pain was no excuse to deny my husband the pleasure he had graciously waited all these years for. So, I braced myself to bear it. I had spoken to other married friends who assured me that the pain was temporary and that if I only endured for a short while I would see that the pain turns to pleasure. When he started to enter me I felt the sharp pain as usual, but I closed my eyes and tried to ignore it, hoping that as I was promised, pleasure would soon overtake it.

The pleasure never came; instead the pain grew worse and worse until all of a sudden I felt like a knife was cutting through my vagina. I couldn’t bear it any longer and I screamed out in pain, only to look down and see a pool of bright red blood soaking our bedsheet. I know that women bleed when they lose their virginity but this was different. No matter what we did, the bleeding didn’t stop. By the time I began to feel dizzy, my husband decided that it was best we go to the hospital.

The night doctor confirmed that I had sustained a tear down there and I had to get stitches to stop the bleeding. After getting treatment, the doctor prescribed Sitz baths and advised that we abstain from sex for two weeks to allow the wound heal. I don’t think I have ever been so frightened or embarrassed in my entire life!

Fast-foward two weeks. My husband had not tried to touch me after the hospital incident but I saw Valentine’s day as an opportunity to make it up to him and was determined to try and get us past this. We tried again on Valentine’s morning and twice again in the evening but nothing we did seemed to work. I felt like I was going to die from the pain.

What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have sex with my husband? Could it be that the wound hasn’t healed? Or is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be like normal women? Maybe if I had experimented with previous boyfriends like all my other friends I would not have this problem now. I feel like a failure, like my husband is going to leave. I feel like I’m constantly letting him down.
Help me, please, I don’t know what else to do.
Unhappy Bride,
Yaba Lagos

***

Dear Unhappy Bride,

First of all let me say how sorry I am that you have had to go through such a terrible ordeal. I myself am a strong advocate of celibacy and I applaud you and your husband’s decision to wait till you were married, to have sex.

Sex should not be painful. Even the first time!
Unfortunately, excruciatingly painful first sex has been accepted as a normal rite of passage into womanhood. I am of the opinion that it should not be so. There may be some slight discomfort, yes, but if done correctly a woman’s first sexual experience should never be so painful that it becomes unbearable.

After two weeks it is very likely that your wound has healed. I cannot give you a definitive answer as to why you have had this difficulty, because I am unable to ask you further questions or to properly examine you. However, the most common cases of Post Coital lacerations occur because the couple have had one or more of the issues I will briefly discuss below.

Click here to view image illustration.

1. Improper approach
The vagina may seem like a fairly long slit nestled between a woman’s legs when viewed in conventional diagrams, but in reality the opening that allows for penetration is less than 1/5 of the apparent extent of the vulva.

Attempting to enter the vagina anywhere other than at the opening (ie at the perineum, labia, urethra etc) will not yield much success, and is sure to cause you pain. It is, therefore, important that your husband can see where he is going and what he is doing. I suggest that you keep the lights on and explore, until you both are familiar with the terrain.

Many first timers may also not know that the vagina is not perpendicular to a woman’s spine; and since the missionary position is the most common choice for first timers, it is not uncommon to have men trying to push straight down instead of going at a slight 45° angle.

CDR609924-750If he visualises the vagina as though it were a tunnel starting from between your legs and pointing down to your back stopping just under the belly button then the angle of penetration will be less askew and less likely to cause abrasions.

Lying flat on your back is also very likely to cause the pelvic muscles to tighten and close off the opening of your vagina. Propping a pillow under your hips will create a slight tilt that puts the pelvis in a more neutral angle and opens up the vaginal entrance for easy acess.

2. Hymen
The hymen is a thin membrane that partially covers the enterance to vagina but has openings to allow for menstural flow. Some women have horizontal slits, others have a small round (annular) hole. Some others have many small (cribiform) holes spread across the membrane. In rare cases there may be no opening at all in the hymen (Imperforate Hymen) or the hymenal tissue may have become thickned by fibrosis. Click here to view image illustration.

It is important that in cases where the hymenal opening is too small to accomodate the penis, the couple employ other means of gently and gradually widening the opening before attempting intercourse. This can be done using the partner’s fingers – starting from the smallest and gradually adding one after another.This is because forcing the penis through a relatively small hymenal opening will definitely cause pain and may cause bleeding. Alternatively your doctor can perform a hymenectomy which is the surgical removal of the hymen.

3. Penovaginal disproportion (PVD)
This occurs when the muscular walls of the woman’s vagina, at their current most relaxed state, are unable to accomodate the size of her partner’s penis. This is often seen in child/early marriage or in couples where a larger than average man pairs with a petite woman. As alarming as this may sound, it is quite often temporary. This is because the vagina is able to adapt and stretch to accomodate sizes as large as a baby’s head.

The treatment of this employs the use of a medical devices known Amielle Trainers. These are available in a pack of five graduated dome tipped dilators that the woman inserts into her vagina starting with the smallest to the largest over a period of days or weeks to help maintain at least a 1/2 inch clearance at full relaxation. Click here to view image illustration.

It is also important that you learn how to consciously tighten and relax the vaginal muscles so that during penetration you are able to relax and let your husband in. If you alternate squeezing and relaxing as your partner introduces his penis, then you are able to control the penetration and let it progress at your pace. Kegel exercises are very helpful in learning how to voluntarily control the vaginal muscles and have the added benefit of increasing the chances of orgasm.

perdidas-orina-mujer-L-f0Zsg0BenWa balls and other such devices are available that can help women practice their kegel exercises and develop the pelvic floor muscles

4. Lubrication
Even where there is no PVD, it is still possible to tear the lining of a woman’s vagina if the man attempts to penetrate without adequate lubrication. The vagina produces a natural lubricant when a woman is aroused. The quantity of production, however, varies from woman to woman. On one hand, some may only feel a slight wetness; and on the other hand, a few women report a more pronounced flow ranging from a trickle to a gush.

A good tip to prevent dryness is to avoid directly facing the fan during intercourse as this can dry natural vaginal lubrication very quickly. Supplement natural wetness with water based lubricants, if you are using a latex condom or other barrier forms of child spacing. If you have an implantable or injectable, then oil based lubricants like Coconut oil can be used. If you are trying for a baby and need the extra lubrication, then rapseed oil is preferred, because it does not interfere with sperm motility.

It is also important to mention that if a woman’s partner is not gentle and patient even with adequate lubrication she will most likely feel more pain than is necessary.

5. Vaginismus
Most cases of Vaginismus occur after a traumatic experience related to sex (i.e attempted rape) and in a bid to protect herself, a woman’s subconscious mind can control the muscles of the vagina and clamp it tightly shut. In severe cases of Vaginismus even a cotton bud is unable to pass through and if not treated agressively with psychotherapy, traumatic post coital lacerations like the one you had can lead to Vaginismus.

WDh2M23

Was there some other sexual experience in your past that could have already caused you to clamp shut? Or has this experience made it even more impossible for you to relax and enjoy sex with your husband? I would suggest that you speak with a Sex Therapist or relationship counsellor to help with whatever feelings of fear that may still be lingering in your subconscious.

6. Vulvodynia
This is the medical term for pain in the vulva and it’s cause may range from conditions like thrush, pelvic inflammatory disease, urinary tract infection to scarring from female genital mutilation. It is important to treat any medical cases that may be responsible for pain. If you have experienced any of these it is important to see your doctor.

So, in a nutshell:
Put on the lights. Explore. Lots of lube. Slow and steady.
Hymen is too tight, coax it open first before going all in.
Too small? Partner too big? Train your vaginal muscles.
Emotionally scarred? Talk to a counsellor.
Infection? Get it treated.

Sex is beautiful and is part of the special bond that married couples share. Follow the tips outlined above and with some patience and lots of practice I am confident that you both will be on your way to a happy and fulfilling sex life.
I hope this helps.

Disclaimer: This column is written for patient education. It is not intended to diagnose or prescribe treatment and does not replace the advice of your physician. It in no means attempts to cover the full medical scope of this condition.

Photo Credit: Vulva Anatomy | Pelvic Exam | Hymen types | Amielle Comfort | Kegel exercises | Vaginismus
http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/02/18/ask-dr-craig-painful-sex/

Hotstepper:
Hahaha. Time really do flies ooo. Now to my story.

While in the university, apart from lectures and hanging out with friends especially during summer, I come on NL to pass out time and answer questions especially in Education and Travel. In the course of this hobby of mine, I met a friend here and we just became friends and briefly saw him when I went to Nigeria for Xmas hols.

We remained friends and he was on clutches and jobless. I spent a lot of time online chatting with him and a lot of money making phone calls. He had potentials because he was on clutches and in pain yet looking for a job because where he was working before didn't want to take him back.

At a point, because of slow Internet service in cafes at that time, I asked him if it's OK for him to send me his CV and details of his email and he did. I re did his CV and started helping him to apply for jobs since my Internet service was fast. I would apply and call him to tell him the places I applied and what position incase he gets call from them.

He got called for test and interviews for some but didn't get the job and I would always tell him not to worry that he will get. In his own part, he stopped telling me when he has interview so I don't get to tell him not to worry that he will get the job.

One faithful day in 2009, he called and was so excited and I could hear noise from the background and all he could say was that I should marry him and we will get married that same year. Mine you, this was in July and we are both jobless as I was doing my 2nd degree at that time. I.told him how can two jobless people get married? He laughed ehh and then told me he has gotten a job and I now came to understand that it's with a very good company, a multinational at that.

As usual I visited that year for Xmas and he proposed and the following year we got married as it was the same year I graduated. Not up to 4 months after out wedding, he bought me a car.

Mind you even his parents had people they wanted him to marry but he said it must be me because I stood by him when he had nothing and we're where these girls then. On my own part, my friends were telling me how can I be dating a jobless man and a man in clutches when I had wealthy suitors from here and some from she'll and chevron etc from naija.

I saw the potential in him even with his clutches and I knew he would make me happy now matter how much he is making. I am happy because after everything, he appreciated it and shows it. He is a good man, ambitious and goal oriented.

We are happily married with two lovely children, both born in Canada .

Ladies if you see someone that has potential please stick with him.and encourage him

Hotstepper:
Gbam! Money comes and goes just like beauty but character remains so you have to decide. Please don't stick with a lazy man oooo

Did u see the pic? Lemme not put mine not to repeat what happened many years ago lol

Hotstepper:
Thanks! I naturally go back after 1 week

Chinum:
Kai. I went back to take an additional peep but the pix disappeared.

Hotstepper:
Lol! U have to wait another 6 yrs to see another one

sunvick:
Nne calm down (Nwere ya nwayor oh!).
But seriously, you know what i mean. for e.g I asked a girl what her plans were after Uni, guess her response "well i want to get married to rich man, have my honeymoon in Paris and give birth to all my kids in America". Honestly me self give up.

Case in point: In this thread you can count how many ladies who imparted positively on there hubby, but the horrific experiences we are reading here I keep wondering where they all got it wrong.
Imagine a man pouring hot soup on his pregnant wife and expect people outside to respect her

thorpido:
Okay o.That 6yrs will be after you have had all your babies.

babygirlfl:
Awww so sweet. You are sure a hot stepper. iwatch come and see. There are good women. You just have to look for them and treat them right.

kenny987:
It's really good to see/read of good relationships/marriages. Hotstepper, may ur home remain blessed!
For those in abusive relationships...hmm, it's tough but with d pieces of advice already here, I'm certain it will turn out better. There's no excuse for any man/husband to pour food on his wife so there's no reason to even remotely imagine or suggest that the abused woman in this regard is not without blame or does it mean she had it coming then? Mbanu! No way!