Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives - Family (104) - Nairaland
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| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 4:38pm On May 04, 2015 |
I was a virgin too when I got married 4 yrs ago. Infact, on my wedding day, my period started and I was so happy and wish it would last till God knows when lol. When we got home and it has stopped, once it's 8pm, off I ran to go and sleep lol. After 1 week, I had ran to go.nd sleep and he followed me and said it is going to happen today and he has been doing research too and talking to doctor friends. It happened that night and I don't think it was painful but it was only because I positioned my mind that it would be because of the stories I read and heard. Infact, when it happened, I didn't know and I told him since we started already, he better get it done now cuz if he doesn't, I won't go ahead with it again. He laughed and said its now open. That was it for that night den the following day, slowly, he entered nd after 5 entries, we are good to go and even the night I got disvirigned, I got preggy  Do a lot of fore play, put lubricant and enter slowly and above all, let her relax and not think of it been painful. Because of this my experience, when I was preggy, I refused reading anybody relating to labour and all and I was fine. Good luck heavyg: 4 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 6:30pm On May 04, 2015 |
kweenkong:yeah I think |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 6:42pm On May 04, 2015 |
babygirlfl:thank u for dis,I love it so much,never treat an an abuser or a cheater or someone dat doesn't complement u 100percent love o,bt u can only do dat to a good man dat u knw loves u so much,thank u 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by netotse(m): 7:01pm On May 04, 2015 |
cococandy: There isn't enough information about her husband for me to suggest but let's turn it around, do you seriously believe saying you can go and do it yourself was the best way? There's a lot of good advice on the issue, particularly the post from a website that talks about responding and not reacting, I think abuse is wrong on all counts no matter the reason and should be treated as such...abuse. What I don't agree with is turning what should be a clear and concerted response to bad behaviour into a fight. I'm all for telling the man off if he steps out of line but it must be done properly, thinking that you can use evil eye and threaten everyman and it will work is just setting people up for failure, what worked for Obi wont work for Tola and Adamu. For the umpteenth time, The man is wrong from the info we have on this issue, irregardless of what happened, he swore to honor and protect and etc ati be be lo  his wife and should not for any reason have acted like he did.1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:02pm On May 04, 2015 |
ttymyluv: Please this one pass me Where is jennykadry when you need her |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:05pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: Ttmyluv Your answer has come |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 7:08pm On May 04, 2015 |
[ I will write about the other post in said I would contribute later today about how I helped hubby quote author=babyosisi post=33418457] Ttmyluv Your answer has come[/quote] |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by netotse(m): 7:10pm On May 04, 2015 |
sexynne: In testing the waters you need to avoid doing things that aren't you, you mentioned that you weren't the shouting back type and you tried it and it didn't work. You might be one of those people with the quiet type of strength and not the agidi type. I would suggest you go through the advice and links posted and pick what you can work with. Remember your goal is to pass across the message that the abuse is not ok and you wont stand for it. Your goal should not be to give him a shocker or any such thing. Attack the problem not the person. If you didn't see any signs of abuse prior to getting married you can tell him that the man you married swore to protect and respect you and that you don't believe the man you married has any business treating you the way he does. CAVEAT: if there are certain things you do that get his goat, he is likely to hold on to those things and use them as an excuse or his bad behaviour, it's been said several times on NL, there is no justification for him to abuse you verbally, emotionally or whatever so you must not allow yourself or anyone to make you feel you are the cause of his bad behaviour. That said, you must also take wise decisions during tense moments, pick your battles wisely, you guys are not enemies. |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:11pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: Please do nne It will encourage somebody Btw,how many are the pikins now? Well Igbos say dem no dey count pikins lol |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 7:32pm On May 04, 2015 |
Lol ! Ndi Igbo and their proverb. I have 2 now, a boy and a girl quote author=babyosisi post=33418620] Please do nne It will encourage somebody Btw,how many are the pikins now? Well Igbos say dem no dey count pikins lol [/quote] 5 Likes |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 8:27pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: How time flies I remember back in 2006/2007, you were just a young student studying in faraway Canada with that your beautiful picture and long legs that all the nairaland boys were ogling over . Now a proud mom and a beautiful wife So proud of you,hotstepper Who says good girls can't be found on this forum |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 8:41pm On May 04, 2015 |
@ttmyluv & heavyg I read this written by a doctor who writes for a blog - you should be able to pick what may be relevant to you Dear Dr. Craig, I got married in January; and since we were both virgins I and my husband decided to wait until we after our wedding to have sex. As you can imagine we were looking forward to our wedding night, but when the time came to do it we were unable to. Maybe I should say, I was unable to. It was just too painful. We tried several times, but as soon as he started to enter I would feel a sharp pain that made it literally impossible to continue. After about three weeks of trying unsuccessfully I decided that my pain was no excuse to deny my husband the pleasure he had graciously waited all these years for. So, I braced myself to bear it. I had spoken to other married friends who assured me that the pain was temporary and that if I only endured for a short while I would see that the pain turns to pleasure. When he started to enter me I felt the sharp pain as usual, but I closed my eyes and tried to ignore it, hoping that as I was promised, pleasure would soon overtake it. The pleasure never came; instead the pain grew worse and worse until all of a sudden I felt like a knife was cutting through my vagina. I couldn’t bear it any longer and I screamed out in pain, only to look down and see a pool of bright red blood soaking our bedsheet. I know that women bleed when they lose their virginity but this was different. No matter what we did, the bleeding didn’t stop. By the time I began to feel dizzy, my husband decided that it was best we go to the hospital. The night doctor confirmed that I had sustained a tear down there and I had to get stitches to stop the bleeding. After getting treatment, the doctor prescribed Sitz baths and advised that we abstain from sex for two weeks to allow the wound heal. I don’t think I have ever been so frightened or embarrassed in my entire life! Fast-foward two weeks. My husband had not tried to touch me after the hospital incident but I saw Valentine’s day as an opportunity to make it up to him and was determined to try and get us past this. We tried again on Valentine’s morning and twice again in the evening but nothing we did seemed to work. I felt like I was going to die from the pain. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have sex with my husband? Could it be that the wound hasn’t healed? Or is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be like normal women? Maybe if I had experimented with previous boyfriends like all my other friends I would not have this problem now. I feel like a failure, like my husband is going to leave. I feel like I’m constantly letting him down. Help me, please, I don’t know what else to do. Unhappy Bride, Yaba Lagos *** Dear Unhappy Bride, First of all let me say how sorry I am that you have had to go through such a terrible ordeal. I myself am a strong advocate of celibacy and I applaud you and your husband’s decision to wait till you were married, to have sex. Sex should not be painful. Even the first time! Unfortunately, excruciatingly painful first sex has been accepted as a normal rite of passage into womanhood. I am of the opinion that it should not be so. There may be some slight discomfort, yes, but if done correctly a woman’s first sexual experience should never be so painful that it becomes unbearable. After two weeks it is very likely that your wound has healed. I cannot give you a definitive answer as to why you have had this difficulty, because I am unable to ask you further questions or to properly examine you. However, the most common cases of Post Coital lacerations occur because the couple have had one or more of the issues I will briefly discuss below. Click here to view image illustration. 1. Improper approach The vagina may seem like a fairly long slit nestled between a woman’s legs when viewed in conventional diagrams, but in reality the opening that allows for penetration is less than 1/5 of the apparent extent of the vulva. Attempting to enter the vagina anywhere other than at the opening (ie at the perineum, labia, urethra etc) will not yield much success, and is sure to cause you pain. It is, therefore, important that your husband can see where he is going and what he is doing. I suggest that you keep the lights on and explore, until you both are familiar with the terrain. Many first timers may also not know that the vagina is not perpendicular to a woman’s spine; and since the missionary position is the most common choice for first timers, it is not uncommon to have men trying to push straight down instead of going at a slight 45° angle. CDR609924-750If he visualises the vagina as though it were a tunnel starting from between your legs and pointing down to your back stopping just under the belly button then the angle of penetration will be less askew and less likely to cause abrasions. Lying flat on your back is also very likely to cause the pelvic muscles to tighten and close off the opening of your vagina. Propping a pillow under your hips will create a slight tilt that puts the pelvis in a more neutral angle and opens up the vaginal entrance for easy acess. 2. Hymen The hymen is a thin membrane that partially covers the enterance to vagina but has openings to allow for menstural flow. Some women have horizontal slits, others have a small round (annular) hole. Some others have many small (cribiform) holes spread across the membrane. In rare cases there may be no opening at all in the hymen (Imperforate Hymen) or the hymenal tissue may have become thickned by fibrosis. Click here to view image illustration. It is important that in cases where the hymenal opening is too small to accomodate the penis, the couple employ other means of gently and gradually widening the opening before attempting intercourse. This can be done using the partner’s fingers – starting from the smallest and gradually adding one after another.This is because forcing the penis through a relatively small hymenal opening will definitely cause pain and may cause bleeding. Alternatively your doctor can perform a hymenectomy which is the surgical removal of the hymen. 3. Penovaginal disproportion (PVD) This occurs when the muscular walls of the woman’s vagina, at their current most relaxed state, are unable to accomodate the size of her partner’s penis. This is often seen in child/early marriage or in couples where a larger than average man pairs with a petite woman. As alarming as this may sound, it is quite often temporary. This is because the vagina is able to adapt and stretch to accomodate sizes as large as a baby’s head. The treatment of this employs the use of a medical devices known Amielle Trainers. These are available in a pack of five graduated dome tipped dilators that the woman inserts into her vagina starting with the smallest to the largest over a period of days or weeks to help maintain at least a 1/2 inch clearance at full relaxation. Click here to view image illustration. It is also important that you learn how to consciously tighten and relax the vaginal muscles so that during penetration you are able to relax and let your husband in. If you alternate squeezing and relaxing as your partner introduces his penis, then you are able to control the penetration and let it progress at your pace. Kegel exercises are very helpful in learning how to voluntarily control the vaginal muscles and have the added benefit of increasing the chances of orgasm. perdidas-orina-mujer-L-f0Zsg0BenWa balls and other such devices are available that can help women practice their kegel exercises and develop the pelvic floor muscles 4. Lubrication Even where there is no PVD, it is still possible to tear the lining of a woman’s vagina if the man attempts to penetrate without adequate lubrication. The vagina produces a natural lubricant when a woman is aroused. The quantity of production, however, varies from woman to woman. On one hand, some may only feel a slight wetness; and on the other hand, a few women report a more pronounced flow ranging from a trickle to a gush. A good tip to prevent dryness is to avoid directly facing the fan during intercourse as this can dry natural vaginal lubrication very quickly. Supplement natural wetness with water based lubricants, if you are using a latex condom or other barrier forms of child spacing. If you have an implantable or injectable, then oil based lubricants like Coconut oil can be used. If you are trying for a baby and need the extra lubrication, then rapseed oil is preferred, because it does not interfere with sperm motility. It is also important to mention that if a woman’s partner is not gentle and patient even with adequate lubrication she will most likely feel more pain than is necessary. 5. Vaginismus Most cases of Vaginismus occur after a traumatic experience related to sex (i.e attempted rape) and in a bid to protect herself, a woman’s subconscious mind can control the muscles of the vagina and clamp it tightly shut. In severe cases of Vaginismus even a cotton bud is unable to pass through and if not treated agressively with psychotherapy, traumatic post coital lacerations like the one you had can lead to Vaginismus. WDh2M23 Was there some other sexual experience in your past that could have already caused you to clamp shut? Or has this experience made it even more impossible for you to relax and enjoy sex with your husband? I would suggest that you speak with a Sex Therapist or relationship counsellor to help with whatever feelings of fear that may still be lingering in your subconscious. 6. Vulvodynia This is the medical term for pain in the vulva and it’s cause may range from conditions like thrush, pelvic inflammatory disease, urinary tract infection to scarring from female genital mutilation. It is important to treat any medical cases that may be responsible for pain. If you have experienced any of these it is important to see your doctor. So, in a nutshell: Put on the lights. Explore. Lots of lube. Slow and steady. Hymen is too tight, coax it open first before going all in. Too small? Partner too big? Train your vaginal muscles. Emotionally scarred? Talk to a counsellor. Infection? Get it treated. Sex is beautiful and is part of the special bond that married couples share. Follow the tips outlined above and with some patience and lots of practice I am confident that you both will be on your way to a happy and fulfilling sex life. I hope this helps. Disclaimer: This column is written for patient education. It is not intended to diagnose or prescribe treatment and does not replace the advice of your physician. It in no means attempts to cover the full medical scope of this condition. Photo Credit: Vulva Anatomy | Pelvic Exam | Hymen types | Amielle Comfort | Kegel exercises | Vaginismus http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/02/18/ask-dr-craig-painful-sex/ 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 8:56pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hahaha. Time really do flies ooo. Now to my story. While in the university, apart from lectures and hanging out with friends especially during summer, I come on NL to pass out time and answer questions especially in Education and Travel. In the course of this hobby of mine, I met a friend here and we just became friends and briefly saw him when I went to Nigeria for Xmas hols. We remained friends and he was on clutches and jobless. I spent a lot of time online chatting with him and a lot of money making phone calls. He had potentials because he was on clutches and in pain yet looking for a job because where he was working before didn't want to take him back. At a point, because of slow Internet service in cafes at that time, I asked him if it's OK for him to send me his CV and details of his email and he did. I re did his CV and started helping him to apply for jobs since my Internet service was fast. I would apply and call him to tell him the places I applied and what position incase he gets call from them. He got called for test and interviews for some but didn't get the job and I would always tell him not to worry that he will get. In his own part, he stopped telling me when he has interview so I don't get to tell him not to worry that he will get the job. One faithful day in 2009, he called and was so excited and I could hear noise from the background and all he could say was that I should marry him and we will get married that same year. Mine you, this was in July and we are both jobless as I was doing my 2nd degree at that time. I.told him how can two jobless people get married? He laughed ehh and then told me he has gotten a job and I now came to understand that it's with a very good company, a multinational at that. As usual I visited that year for Xmas and he proposed and the following year we got married as it was the same year I graduated. Not up to 4 months after out wedding, he bought me a car. Mind you even his parents had people they wanted him to marry but he said it must be me because I stood by him when he had nothing and we're where these girls then. On my own part, my friends were telling me how can I be dating a jobless man and a man in clutches when I had wealthy suitors from here and some from she'll and chevron etc from naija. I saw the potential in him even with his clutches and I knew he would make me happy now matter how much he is making. I am happy because after everything, he appreciated it and shows it. He is a good man, ambitious and goal oriented. We are happily married with two lovely children, both born in Canada . Ladies if you see someone that has potential please stick with him.and encourage him babyosisi: 11 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by cococandy(f): 8:59pm On May 04, 2015 |
Her reaction was human. Picture a pregnant woman with all its attendant wahala laboring to put all that together and his reaction is rejection because he wasn't informed on time.  Do you think you yourself would take kindly to being told off and your food rejected like that. You would just act like there's nothing wrong there? pls she reacted anyway a normal person would except you're expecting her to have the patience of a saint and walk on egg shells around him all her life. netotse: 2 Likes |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by cococandy(f): 9:03pm On May 04, 2015 |
Awww. Hotstepper: |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:06pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: What a love story Ezinwannem,are you now back in Nigeria or still in Canada? This is the same guy on that engagement thread of yesteryears abi? Like you I married a guy that was just starting life and didn't have any material wealth We used to enter molue together I have relatives that pleaded with me not to marry him but my parents welcomed him Like you I saw potential and I married him I'm glad I did 4 Likes |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Chinum: 9:13pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: Wow  I was moved to tears reading this.1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 9:16pm On May 04, 2015 |
Yes, the same guy. I graduated June 2010, I left my job in Canada and moved to Nigeria August 2010, started NYSC October 2010 and got married December 2010 I remained in Nigeria since then and we both moved to Canada last year with my son nd gave birth August last year to my daughter who is 8 months now. We will be here for about 5 yrs nd move back to naija permanentlyI don't regret marrying him one bit. Did u see a pic of.my daughter I attached earlier? babyosisi: 2 Likes |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:19pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: Couldn't say it louder People should look for character first An upright man with a good character and a drive to succeed is priceless even if he had nothing at the time you meet him Money can come later Those who go chasing money forgetting everything else or thinking they will change his character after marriage end up with major regrets It feels good to know that whatever we acquired we acquired it together as a team |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:19pm On May 04, 2015 |
@Salsera, that was awesome! And hotstepper, you just "stepped hot" the inspirations. Woah! 2 Likes |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by babygirlfl: 9:28pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: Awww so sweet. You are sure a hot stepper. iwatch come and see. There are good women. You just have to look for them and treat them right. 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 9:31pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hehhe! Thank you Floodgater: 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 9:32pm On May 04, 2015 |
Gbam! Money comes and goes just like beauty but character remains so you have to decide. Please don't stick with a lazy man oooo Did u see the pic? Lemme not put mine not to repeat what happened many years ago lol babyosisi: 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:40pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper: Yes I saw it So happy for you. I hope you are still slim and beautiful There was a time a couple of years ago,I dug out that your engagement thread and read it from page one and was just smiling away. I'm trying now to remember your hubby's nairaland moniker and cannot Old age don come |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by heavyg(m): 9:43pm On May 04, 2015 |
@hotstepper You are the business! Saw the pic too... |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 9:44pm On May 04, 2015 |
babyosisi: |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 9:47pm On May 04, 2015 |
OK. I just flashed it hehhe quote author=heavyg post=33423569]@hotstepper You are the business! Saw the pic too... [/quote] |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:48pm On May 04, 2015 |
[quote author=Hotstepper post=33423621][/quote] Ngwa wepu the foto I ka na e step u kwa hotly Lekwa long legs Lekwa flat tummy after two kids  |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by babygirlfl: 9:49pm On May 04, 2015 |
Hotstepper you are so beautiful. 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:52pm On May 04, 2015 |
babygirlfl: The girl bu asa mpete 1 Like |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Chinum: 9:57pm On May 04, 2015 |
[quote author=Hotstepper post=33423621][/quote] Wow |
| Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Hotstepper(f): 10:06pm On May 04, 2015 |
Thanks babygirlfl 1 Like |
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