I got married two years ago but the marriage ended three weeks ago as a result of physical and emotional abuse. It was pregnancy that actually led me into the marriage,we dated for a very few months then I took in for him. Now that the marriage has ended his family told him to take care of the boy upkeep and education till when the child finishes primary school,then he will have the child stay with him but he is saying no that I should return the boy to him or I should carry his responsibilities alone.the child is almost two years. My problem is that my salary can't carry me and the boy for now,so I decided to either take the boy to him or take the boy to my mum in the village pending when I can take care of him. Pls I need your advise on the right decision to take.

i think it will be better for the child to stay with you for now. go back to the family and let them know of this new development, they should be able to prevail on him and if you present your case properly, he will have no choice. never ever shoulder the responsibilities of child-care alone if the father is available and capable of helping.

tellwisdom:
Do u have big yansh to start with?

really?

tell foolish when will you change

anyway op I suggest you drop the child with your mom if you can't take care of the child financially because if you drop your child with him there's no guarantee that that child will be properly catered for. It's either he remarries and his wife treats your child poorly or he drops the child with his mom and the child is not taken care of properly. Obviously the basis of your marriage is the child. Nothing more

expect other clowns like tell foolish to flood this place soon

tellwisdom:
Do u have big yansh to start with?

Take the boy to your mum in the village temporarily till when you are financially stable enough to have him say with you.

My advice will depend on where you came from.

If you are an igbo woman, and had a boy, the child will surely return to his father's house and kinsmen. Assuming it was a female child you got, I would have said it is OK if she was in your mom's place..

No matter how much you train him, when he is of age, some annoying uncle or aunt will still remind him to go back to his father's house.

I just honestly hope the case is different where you came from

If the father was no more, you would have catered for him out of your meagre resources. Therefore, if he chooses not to be responsible for his upkeep, strive to do that for yourself. I am sure your child will understand with time as he grows up that you are doing your best to cater for him.

These are the kinds of idiotic cultures and useless traditions that pull Nigeria backwards. Smh

what does culture have to do with this. If a culture cannot help the practitioners then it is a useless culture

Richy4:
My advice will depend on where you came from.

If you are an igbo woman, and had a boy, the child will surely return to his father's house and kinsmen. Assuming it was a female child you got, I would have said it is OK if she was in your mom's place..

No matter how much you train him, when he is of age, some annoying uncle or aunt will still remind him to go back to his father's house.

I just honestly hope the case is different where you came from

keep the child with you. I don't know how much you earn though but taking the child to ur mum in the village will mean additional burden to ur mum.

You are supposed to take care of your mum instead of giving her ur child to cater for...

if you can effectively manage ur salary, it should be enough to take care of you and your child .

justme16:
I got married two years ago but the marriage ended three weeks ago as a result of physical and emotional abuse. It was pregnancy that actually led me into the marriage,we dated for a very few months then I took in for him. Now that the marriage has ended his family told him to take care of the boy upkeep and education till when the child finishes primary school,then he will have the child stay with him but he is saying no that I should return the boy to him or I should carry his responsibilities alone.the child is almost two years. My problem is that my salary can't carry me and the boy for now,so I decided to either take the boy to him or take the boy to my mum in the village pending when I can take care of him. Pls I need your advise on the right decision to take.

I think you should monitor your child yourself instead of taking him to the village with your mum. You are to help your mum financially instead of adding more responsibility on her. Any child that doesn't suffer will not have sense. Ppl like me was raised by my mum alone at young age when there is nothing. If your child wasn't raised by you, they won't be much understanding between both of you and I blv miracles can happen, God can open a way for u.

Thats when you can show you are truly a mother. Should I tell you how many times my mum sacrificed her food for me?

[s]

tellwisdom:
Do u have big yansh to start with?

[/s] some of you will remain _stupid and foolish without the cure to your madness. Can't you just ignore the thread if you have nothing to contribute?

So, your mom is financially better off than you or you simply want to offload your responsibility ?

I suggest you take your ex to social welfare in your state , if you are in Lagos then go to office of Public defender.

I'd say Keep the child with you and strive to do your best.
Some days won't be easy but it will get better.
Taking the kid to your mom is added burden to your mom unless she's financially well off. In which case you can ask her for assistance once in while but carrying the child to her totally is not fair.

Leaving the kid with your ex is not ideal at this stage. And i'm saying this under the assumption that he can't cater for a two yr old by himself. Unless you know him otherwise.
If the assumption is correct, what's he going to do? Unload he child to his own mom or his next wife to nurture for him?

How do you know those other person/s can give your child the same quality of love he/she needs to blossom?
Your kid of better off with you unless the dad can by himself give the child the same care that you would and not shift the responsibility to someone else who won't love your child like theirs.

You know who you married. Can he do that? That should influence what you decide to do.

Tell him to go to hell

SAMBARRY:
These are the kinds of idiotic cultures and useless traditions that pull Nigeria backwards. Smh

what does culture have to do with this. If a culture cannot help the practitioners then it is a useless culture

My dear you are trying to make sense but ended up not making any. What do you mean by what has culture got to do with it?

Every man or woman boy or girl got one cultural heritage or another. Even the whites.
Some are bad some are good, some not so bad and some not so good.

So I don't know if you are lashing your anger for what I said which I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion or you are shaking your head for the culture.

You got to be a bit specific here. And learn to disagree on someone 's opinion with manners.

I am not sorry for what I posted and I repeat with all boldness that it is a useless culture.

If not how can the man impregnate the woman and now be giving her conditions on how he will use to take care of his child that fell from the sky not the one that came out of his loins

and to top it all you now said the child's gender will determine where he will stay. Smh

The only thing that I agree in your post is that everyone has culture but the useless one like the one you posted here needs to be abolished

then besides how come the stooped culture didn't compell the man to remain married the way it compells women to remain married even in unpleasant situations. Abi that one too no be culture

you only use culture when it suits your unregenerated mind

And for your information if you are waiting for me to feel sorry or bad for what I posted you will wait till the sky turns green and pink

nonsense.

Next

Richy4:


My dear you are trying to make sense but ended up not making any. What do you mean by what has culture got to do with it?

Every man or woman boy or girl got one cultural heritage or another. Even the whites.
Some are bad some are good, some not so bad and some not so good.

So I don't know if you are lashing your anger for what I said which I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion or you are shaking your head for the culture.

You got to be a bit specific here. And learn to disagree on someone 's opinion with manners.

Richy4:


My dear you are trying to make sense but ended up not making any. What do you mean by what has culture got to do with it?

Every man or woman boy or girl got one cultural heritage or another. Even the whites.
Some are bad some are good, some not so bad and some not so good.

So I don't know if you are lashing your anger for what I said which I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion or you are shaking your head for the culture.

You got to be a bit specific here. And learn to disagree on someone 's opinion with manners.

I don't think her (his?) grouse is with you or your post. I share her (his?) anger that something as simple as the welfare of a child is being complicated by some worthless tradition that will make absolutely no one in this case any better.

LewsTherin:


I don't think her (his?) grouse is with you or your post. I share her (his?) anger that something as simple as the welfare of a child is being complicated by some worthless tradition that will make absolutely no one in this case any better.

gbam. Take 5 joor

you have said it all

SAMBARRY:
I am not sorry for what I posted and I repeat with all boldness that it is a useless culture.

If not how can the man impregnate the woman and now be giving her conditions on how he will use to take care of his child that fell from the sky not the one that came out of his loins

and to top it all you now said the child's gender will determine where he will stay. Smh

The only thing that I agree in your post is that everyone has culture but the useless one like the one you posted here needs to be abolished

then besides how come the stooped culture didn't compell the man to remain married the way it compells women to remain married even in unpleasant situations. Abi that one too no be culture

you only use culture when it suits your unregenerated mind

And for your information if you are waiting for me to feel sorry or bad for what I posted you will wait till the sky turns green and pink

nonsense.

Next

You must be a mannerless Yoruba street urching.

Honestly, you are very sick and needs to be rushed to Yaba-left.

If you don't have something good to tell the lady, common shut up.

I have a feeling you don't want to keep that child with you. Before you do anything, work on yourself first. You have to learn how to love that child 100%. Yes, it may make it a bit difficult for you to get another suitor but he's more likely to be a patient, considerate and mature one when he comes.

otijo pa

grammarian

Go and read brighter grammar before I can dignify you with a response

oloshi

emmydeep:

You must be a mannerless Yoruba street urching.

Honestly, you are very sick and NEEDS to be rushed to Yaba-left.

If you don't have something good to tell the lady, common shut up.

agarawu23:
I think you should monitor your child yourself instead of taking him to the village with your mum. You are to help your mum financially instead of adding more responsibility on her. Any child that doesn't suffer will not have sense. Ppl like me was raised by my mum alone at young age when there is nothing. If your child wasn't raised by you, they won't be much understanding between both of you and I blv miracles can happen, God can open a way for u.

Thats when you can show you are truly a mother. Should I tell you how many times my mum sacrificed her food for me?

thanks for your advise,I know its not going to be easy cos my child has to start school now. I pray God to help me make a decision I won't regret tomorrow.

I don't know why I've this undying believe u where nagging his brains out and not supportive or completely loyal to him...no offense.
Go back and work on marriage, children don't smile in single parenting...

Unless u were screwing behind his back n ur luck ran out,if not...this is just part of the marriage trying times.

NB. That u married him through pregnancy is not a bailout clause...respect the alter oath and ur little boys future.

cococandy:
I'd say Keep the child with you and strive to do your best.
Some days won't be easy but it will get better.
Taking the kid to your mom is added burden to your mom unless she's financially well off. In which case you can ask her for assistance once in while but carrying the child to her totally is not fair.

Leaving the kid with your ex is not ideal at this stage. And i'm saying this under the assumption that he can't cater for a two yr old by himself. Unless you know him otherwise.
If the assumption is correct, what's he going to do? Unload he child to his own mom or his next wife to nurture for him?

How do you know those other person/s can give your child the same quality of love he/she needs to blossom?
Your kid of better off with you unless the dad can by himself give the child the same care that you would and not shift the responsibility to someone else who won't love your child like theirs.

You know who you married. Can he do that? That should influence what you decide to do.

. He can't take care of the child and his family knows that. His siblings were all by side when the marriage was not working and they are still behind me to make sure he carries his child responsibilites but he is not co operating. They even told him the child will not stay with them cos they have their own responsibilities and the child won't stay with their mum too cos she is old.

justme16:
. He can't take care of the child and his family knows that. His siblings were all by side when the marriage was not working and they are still behind me to make sure he carries his child responsibilites but he is not co operating. They even told him the child will not stay with them cos they have their own responsibilities and the child won't stay with their mum too cos she is old.

Then you already know you have to keep your child with you.
There's no debating that.

What you should be doing is looking for a better job and managing what you have before you get it.

You can contact child welfare services in your area and see if they make him pay up. Some people have said it works.

After all GEJ just signed the bill to make neglecting parental duty a crime. See if the implementation will work in your case and no matter how little they are able to squeeze out of him, it will go some way to feed the child at least.

48noble:
I don't know why I've this undying believe u where nagging his brains out and not supportive or completely loyal to him...no offense.
Go back and work on marriage, children don't smile in single parenting...

Unless u were screwing behind his back n ur luck ran out,if not...this is just part of the marriage trying times.

NB. That u married him through pregnancy is not a bailout clause...respect the alter oath and ur little boys future.

well you won't believe my story but I have made the mistake I learned from it. I actually tot he paid my dowry cos he wanted a child but when I noticed he won't provide for d child whenever we have problems just to punish me.he paid only my dowry,dis man will be 50yrs nx year.he actually married me to cover up his marital status not that he was actually interested in the marriage.immediately he paid my dowry he started sleeping outside.he could sleep out for two days without coming bac to the house,even when my pregnancy was due.when it became too much,I started complaining to his pple,and his only sister who is a lawyer told me I didn't know him well before I married him that if I could manage him fine,if not they will allow me go wit d baby any time am ready to move on,that his brother has been living this kind of lifestyle for years. I even involved both families to talk to him to change his,even pastors to d extent that I was made to believe he has a spiritual problem.I have tried prayers and fasting but all dis didn't change him.and he always beat me up whenever I argue with him,threatening me with knife n bottle.honestly I have seen it all.I was still ready to stay cos every advise I get was to stay for d child so that he won't end up in a broken home.we don't appear anyway as husband n wife.he just paid my dowry n dumb me in the house.it was when d beeating to much that I decided to move on and have his dowry return

cococandy:

Then you already know you have to keep your child with you.
There's no debating that.

What you should be doing is looking for a better job and managing what you have before you get it.

You can contact child welfare services in your area and see if they make him pay up. Some people have said it works.

After all GEJ just signed the bill to make neglecting parental duty a crime. See if the implementation will work in your case and no matter how little they are able to squeeze out of him, it will go some way to feed the child at least.

ok thanks,that is what I will do once his sinblings can't make him to take responsility of d boy.

SAMBARRY:
I am not sorry for what I posted and I repeat with all boldness that it is a useless culture.

If not how can the man impregnate the woman and now be giving her conditions on how he will use to take care of his child that fell from the sky not the one that came out of his loins

and to top it all you now said the child's gender will determine where he will stay. Smh

The only thing that I agree in your post is that everyone has culture but the useless one like the one you posted here needs to be abolished

then besides how come the stooped culture didn't compell the man to remain married the way it compells women to remain married even in unpleasant situations. Abi that one too no be culture

you only use culture when it suits your unregenerated mind

And for your information if you are waiting for me to feel sorry or bad for what I posted you will wait till the sky turns green and pink

nonsense.

Next

As I said earlier, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I didn't ask you to apologise.

You mentioned earlier how Nigeria was set backward because of useless culture. But you forgot that good manners is equally cultural. Which I believe you got it in abundance.

I believe you must have heard when someone uses a sentence like " that boy/girl is not cultured "

Anyways I don't kid around. The OP said she wanted an advice from people.........

It is up to her to take it or not to take it

As for you I don't know why I was replying you.......
I am done having this conversation. When you have learned some manners then we can talk. Have a good day

justme16:
well you won't believe my story but I have made the mistake I learned from it. I actually tot he paid my dowry cos he wanted a child but when I noticed he won't provide for d child whenever we have problems just to punish me.he paid only my dowry,dis man will be 50yrs nx year.he actually married me to cover up his marital status not that he was actually interested in the marriage.immediately he paid my dowry he started sleeping outside.he could sleep out for two days without coming bac to the house,even when my pregnancy was due.when it became too much,I started complaining to his pple,and his only sister who is a lawyer told me I didn't know him well before I married him that if I could manage him fine,if not they will allow me go wit d baby any time am ready to move on,that his brother has been living this kind of lifestyle for years. I even involved both families to talk to him to change his,even pastors to d extent that I was made to believe he has a spiritual problem.I have tried prayers and fasting but all dis didn't change him.and he always beat me up whenever I argue with him,threatening me with knife n bottle.honestly I have seen it all.I was still ready to stay cos every advise I get was to stay for d child so that he won't end up in a broken home.we don't appear anyway as husband n wife.he just paid my dowry n dumb me in the house.it was when d beeating to much that I decided to move on and have his dowry return

My dear I really feel for you. Have you heard of child support? I think you're entitled to some financial support from your erstwhile husband, even if your family has returned the bride price.

Follow this link to a law firm that deals with child support issues in PH. I don't know how much they charge but call them first and make enquiries
http://www.hg.org/attorney/primelaw-partnership/47726

All the best

Bye bye forever and ever, deuces, adios, koshilo titi lai lai

next

Richy4:


As I said earlier, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I didn't ask you to apologise.

You mentioned earlier how Nigeria was set backward because of useless culture. But you forgot that good manners is equally cultural. Which I believe you got it in abundance.

I believe you must have heard when someone uses a sentence like " that boy/girl is not cultured "

Anyways I don't kid around. The OP said she wanted an advice from people.........

It is up to her to take it or not to take it

As for you I don't know why I was replying you.......
I am done having this conversation. When you have learned some manners then we can talk. Have a good day