₦airaland Forum

enstack:
I had to create a new account just to post this as it's quite sensitive. It's quite lengthy too but I'll be brief. I need mature and friendly advice from people here.

When I first met my husband, it was in a library. We talked briefly and we became close. I have had past relationships in my life so I was careful as possible. I realised that he had no past relationship. He was a typical virgin and was new and I was his first girlfriend. So I felt comfortable with him. He was so kind and loving so I agreed to marry him.

Now it has gotten worse. Everytime he does anything I want without asking questions. At first I enjoyed it but now I'm starting to worry about him as it's getting out of hand. He does not display any act of manliness in the house. He behaves like my puppet or my foot stool. The other day he was watching the soccer game and I just jokingly mentioned how boring it was and I would prefer the faith channel. He changed the channel to the faith channel just like that. Even at work he would be calling me and texting me I am even scared he would loose his job if his employer finds out.

I have no time for myself.. he is always around. Sometimes if I say no to his advances for sex he would act like I am a wicked woman who has cheated him or rubbed him of his right. He would give me the silent treatment for weeks until I give in. On Sunday he insisted on going with me to the salon and it's now embarrassing as every Sunday my mates in the salon would gossip about how my husband is the only man amongst women making their hairs because his wife is there. I try to talk to him but he would feel so sad like I have taken smething away. I don't understand.

If I'm studying at night, he would suddenly begin to romance me and strip me of my clothing without saying anything first when he can see I'm studying. If I rebuke him, he would be very sad. Every time he must have one intimate relation with me everyday and life does not work that way. I don't know if it's immaturity or he is sick mentally. The day I returned home 11pm due to huge traffic jam, I was expecting him to be furious like any other man.. he was with all smiles even offered me water and collected my bag and books. Christ.

I need sincere help. I told his family that I'll file a divorce if this continues as I cannot live like this. It's no longer love but idolatry. I thought it's wives that are submissive.. he is the one submissive. Anything I ask... he grants even silly things. Things that a real man would query before granting.

I am sure that if I ask him to bathe in acid he would do it. I'm sick and tired of this marriage. Just a year. The last quater he gave me his ATM to spend when I went for training in Abuja. When I was spending excessively he was quiet about it until I returned and found it he was broke that i wrecked him. I was wondering what happened to him. Why didn't he talk?

Please Nairalanders what is happening? I love him still and divorce would be my last resort. I need your advice and help on how to fix this because I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you all.

optimusprime2:
I carefully read your whole writeup, hence my whole quote... Firstly (Pardon me for being Blunt) I think you are quite a Naive, selfish and shallow woman who is insensitive to a man as delicate natured as your husband- for a start, I believe you are a christian, go and read the book of Proverbs chapter 31 vs 10-31 it should give you insight of the role of a good wife.
Many women pray for the kind of man you have as a husband, and here you are complaining about what you have... A wife is a friend, a partner, a buddie et al, apparently you have'nt carved out that Niche for your husband, because you have already viewed and tagged him as a weakling.
Secondly You lack the caring instinct of a mother; if you did, you would have known how to adjust your husband to fit your specs, with Love. Cant you see he is as a child to you? I wonder how you would care for kids with special needs with an attitude of insensitivity like this...
Thirdly, you are inconsiderate; Because you know that's how he is and yet you choose to exploit his shortcomings/weaknesses, then complain in the end- You should be ashamed of yourself.
Fourthly, You are the solitary lady- basically you love doing your thingys alone. It's unfortunate you married a man who values company and companionship, now in marriage, the definition of you is "Selfish" because all you lookout for is "You" ... sorry girl thats the picture I see.
Fifth, Your perspective of marriage is so shallow... And I have a deep pity for you because you still think marriage is post courtship, an indirect reflection of your psychological immaturity (Geez I'm really sorry for the bluntness but I just cant help it)
Sixth, You are just not romantic period.... (A wife beater would have suited you just fine)
If you think people will come and sympathize with you here on Nairaland for your woes and complaints on this matter, you are wrong, very wrong .... Go and analyse your shortcomings woman and fix up your marriage.
Overall I feel bad for your husband- it's really not his fault. He married a girl not a woman. (Sorry girl just being blunt)

enstack:
I had to create a new account just to post this as it's quite sensitive. It's quite lengthy too but I'll be brief. I need mature and friendly advice from people here.

When I first met my husband, it was in a library. We talked briefly and we became close. I have had past relationships in my life so I was careful as possible. I realised that he had no past relationship. He was a typical virgin and was new and I was his first girlfriend. So I felt comfortable with him. He was so kind and loving so I agreed to marry him.

Now it has gotten worse. Everytime he does anything I want without asking questions. At first I enjoyed it but now I'm starting to worry about him as it's getting out of hand. He does not display any act of manliness in the house. He behaves like my puppet or my foot stool. The other day he was watching the soccer game and I just jokingly mentioned how boring it was and I would prefer the faith channel. He changed the channel to the faith channel just like that. Even at work he would be calling me and texting me I am even scared he would loose his job if his employer finds out.

I have no time for myself.. he is always around. Sometimes if I say no to his advances for sex he would act like I am a wicked woman who has cheated him or rubbed him of his right. He would give me the silent treatment for weeks until I give in. On Sunday he insisted on going with me to the salon and it's now embarrassing as every Sunday my mates in the salon would gossip about how my husband is the only man amongst women making their hairs because his wife is there. I try to talk to him but he would feel so sad like I have taken smething away. I don't understand.

If I'm studying at night, he would suddenly begin to romance me and strip me of my clothing without saying anything first when he can see I'm studying. If I rebuke him, he would be very sad. Every time he must have one intimate relation with me everyday and life does not work that way. I don't know if it's immaturity or he is sick mentally. The day I returned home 11pm due to huge traffic jam, I was expecting him to be furious like any other man.. he was with all smiles even offered me water and collected my bag and books. Christ.

I need sincere help. I told his family that I'll file a divorce if this continues as I cannot live like this. It's no longer love but idolatry. I thought it's wives that are submissive.. he is the one submissive. Anything I ask... he grants even silly things. Things that a real man would query before granting.

I am sure that if I ask him to bathe in acid he would do it. I'm sick and tired of this marriage. Just a year. The last quater he gave me his ATM to spend when I went for training in Abuja. When I was spending excessively he was quiet about it until I returned and found it he was broke that i wrecked him. I was wondering what happened to him. Why didn't he talk?

Please Nairalanders what is happening? I love him still and divorce would be my last resort. I need your advice and help on how to fix this because I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you all.

Decker:
Hmmm....quite the dilemma. Trust me, I really understand how you feel about the whole situation. You are really a good woman, because there are women who if they were in your shoes, would capitalize on this ....in a selfish way.

Your husband loves you and he values you, that's why he is acting the way he is. All men who love their wives view them as a priceless possessions of great value, but it seems your husband values you way too much.

I would have advised you talk to him, but you said you already did. But my question is how? How did you actually talk to him? I'd have suggested you be a bit aggressive if you are to talk to him about it. Make him feel the emotion pour out of you. He listens to you, and he concerned about how you feel, maybe if he sees how displeased you really are about his behavior, he might change.

Does your husband have any close friend? Someone he listens to, and someone he trusts. I think you should talk to that person about this whole thing. Tell him to talk to your husband about his behavior towards you, but tell him to not make it seem like you were the one who told him to tell him, let it be like it was something he observed himself.

Men listen to their friend's advice and they share a really deep understanding among themselves. I believe if his friend talks to him and maybe makes jest of him about his actions, he would consider and make amends.

Please don't consider divorce. You married someone who loves you and cares deeply about you. There are women like you who pray night and day that their husbands show them just a little love and attention. But you, you already have that. You don't want to throw all that away. If you eventually decide to divorce him, how sure are you that the next man you will find will be even half as caring as he is.

I wish you all the best.

optimusprime2:
I carefully read your whole writeup, hence my whole quote... Firstly (Pardon me for being Blunt) I think you are quite a Naive, selfish and shallow woman who is insensitive to a man as delicate natured as your husband- for a start, I believe you are a christian, go and read the book of Proverbs chapter 31 vs 10-31 it should give you insight of the role of a good wife.
Many women pray for the kind of man you have as a husband, and here you are complaining about what you have... A wife is a friend, a partner, a buddie et al, apparently you have'nt carved out that Niche for your husband, because you have already viewed and tagged him as a weakling.
Secondly You lack the caring instinct of a mother; if you did, you would have known how to adjust your husband to fit your specs, with Love. Cant you see he is as a child to you? I wonder how you would care for kids with special needs with an attitude of insensitivity like this...
Thirdly, you are inconsiderate; Because you know that's how he is and yet you choose to exploit his shortcomings/weaknesses, then complain in the end- You should be ashamed of yourself.
Fourthly, You are the solitary lady- basically you love doing your thingys alone. It's unfortunate you married a man who values company and companionship, now in marriage, the definition of you is "Selfish" because all you lookout for is "You" ... sorry girl thats the picture I see.
Fifth, Your perspective of marriage is so shallow... And I have a deep pity for you because you still think marriage is post courtship, an indirect reflection of your psychological immaturity (Geez I'm really sorry for the bluntness but I just cant help it)
Sixth, You are just not romantic period.... (A wife beater would have suited you just fine)
If you think people will come and sympathize with you here on Nairaland for your woes and complaints on this matter, you are wrong, very wrong .... Go and analyse your shortcomings woman and fix up your marriage.
Overall I feel bad for your husband- it's really not his fault. He married a girl not a woman. (Sorry girl just being blunt)

Strahovski:
Op, I feel your pain... I read your post from beginning to end and it can be scary for someone like you. You mentioned studying and training. seems you are furthering your education so I can imagine hw you would fee. But this is it. Also I like how you broke it in paragraphs so it won't look so long a messy. Nice. Many people would misunderstand the op.

Edit: The op is not saying her husband is too loving! Neither is she selfish or wicked. She is even a good person. From her writeup,if she says "Kill yourself" to her husband he would do it. It's not right so those silly comments below should be edited by the silly posters. The man is obsessed. It's dangerous for her very soon it would become obvious in public and you know the society would start accusing her of using metaphysical powers on him. So she wants to fix it now before it advances.

Back to the topic:

In your first/second paragraph you said it all. You were his first love. He was new to romance. And now you are married so he is carried away with it. He wants to make you happy that's all. And I can bet that he has been crushing on you before two of you met one on one. So for him To finally get you, he wants to keep you but he got it all wrong. It's normal in life.. something you have always desired finally comes your way of course you would protect it. So he is acting silly and idolizing you because he wants to keep you around.

I advice you talk to him. Sit him down and explain things to him let him know you love him for the man he is that he does not have to do silly things to please you. He knows it's nt right. I'm sure but he has no choice. So let him knw there is a choice. Give him the assurance you are his forever. That's all
Its just communication. And as for intimacy, he likes you, but you need to let him know that you value your study time and once in a while make the move too. Let him know you too can make the move not him alone so he does not have to do it always. And also there might be something about you that drives hm crazy which he does not want to depart from him.. ask him he will tell you. It could be your eyes, your accent, your voice, or even your fingers or your hair or skin or legs.. talk to him that's my point.

#TeamNoDivorce

Edit: Hmmmmm FTC

Mikkyboy008:
This world-Stuupid
90+% men-Stuupid
90+% women-Stuupid

Lord,please if there is any chance my name just enters the book of life due to a good deed,righteousness or total christianity,please sharp sharp snap me outta this world to heaven cos I know I wouldn't be seeing or hearing these kinda things there.AMEN

Strahovski:
Op, I feel your pain... I read your post from beginning to end and it can be scary for someone like you. You mentioned studying and training. seems you are furthering your education so I can imagine hw you would fee. But this is it. Also I like how you broke it in paragraphs so it won't look so long a messy. Nice. Many people would misunderstand the op.

Edit: The op is not saying her husband is too loving! Neither is she selfish or wicked. She is even a good person. From her writeup,if she says "Kill yourself" to her husband he would do it. It's not right so those silly comments below should be edited by the silly posters. The man is obsessed. It's dangerous for her very soon it would become obvious in public and you know the society would start accusing her of using metaphysical powers on him. So she wants to fix it now before it advances.

Back to the topic:

In your first/second paragraph you said it all. You were his first love. He was new to romance. And now you are married so he is carried away with it. He wants to make you happy that's all. And I can bet that he has been crushing on you before two of you met one on one. So for him To finally get you, he wants to keep you but he got it all wrong. It's normal in life.. something you have always desired finally comes your way of course you would protect it. So he is acting silly and idolizing you because he wants to keep you around.

I advice you talk to him. Sit him down and explain things to him let him know you love him for the man he is that he does not have to do silly things to please you. He knows it's nt right. I'm sure but he has no choice. So let him knw there is a choice. Give him the assurance you are his forever. That's all
Its just communication. And as for intimacy, he likes you, but you need to let him know that you value your study time and once in a while make the move too. Let him know you too can make the move not him alone so he does not have to do it always. And also there might be something about you that drives hm crazy which he does not want to depart from him.. ask him he will tell you. It could be your eyes, your accent, your voice, or even your fingers or your hair or skin or legs.. talk to him that's my point.

#TeamNoDivorce

Edit: Hmmmmm FTC

teeowl:
The husband over-trusts her self... the problem is that he is too clingy and does not have a sense of "independence" that the average guy usually has... example: if I am watching WWE wrestling, even my own mother CANNOT tell me to change the channel, the kind of pitbull look I give my sister, mother and girlfriend when they are trying to get me to stop watching wrestling tells them to back of!

The OP's husband is acting too weak... women are NOT attracted to very weak men... when I mean weak I mean personality weak... it doesn't matter if OP's husband is a black belter in karate or can lift 300 kilograms of steel barbells... he has a very weak and clingy attitude.



https://nubiman.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/gympng2.png

QueenValerie:
******** This is good actually.He understood your being late wasn't your fault.Things where out of your control.You didn't cause that traffic jam.He'd be in the wrong if he blamed and was angry with you.It's good he didn't respond the way you thought.He was being understanding.And he was being helpful by carrying your things. --BUT if you don't like when he does much.Tell him you appreciate what he does for you but that he doesn't have to do so much or do things for you all the time.Just a little bit here and there.Or on special occasions like your birthday, wedding anniversary and Christmas would be nice. Is he a sports fan? If not it was probably no big thing for him to turn to something you would enjoy if he didn't care much for what he was watching.He was being considerate of you.This is good in a marriage you need to be considerate of each other. --BUT let him know that he can watch/do the things he likes because you want him to enjoy himself also. You should talk to him OP.Let him know you love him and like spending time with him.But you'd like some time to yourself and that he could have some time to himself also.You could suggest he do some fun activity he likes or learn a new skill.Like painting or learning to play soccer(football) or some other sport.Or he could learn to cook or whatever else he may like to do.This way you have time to yourself and so does he and he can focus on himself some instead of just you. OP you have to ask him why he didn't talk to you.---Let him know that he can talk to you. You both need to be able to talk to each other. It sounds like he's more considerate and thoughtful than submissive to me OP.Not to preach at you but marriage is not a domineering/controlling/inconsiderate husband and a submissive wife.But two people communicating with each other,being considerate/thoughtful of each other,and on and on. --Maybe you could look at some marriage help articles online?Maybe buy a good marriage help book?You've only been married a year you might need these to help you now and in the future. I don't think he's sick.He just wasn't being to considerate at that moment.He probably had lovemaking on his mind.And didn't stop to think about your need to do your work.Did you tell him you needed to work and that after you're done he could have what he wanted.(That's if your willing to have sex after your done doing whatever it is you need to)Let him know you two can't always have sex,that that's not how things work that sometimes you have to do without.Assure him that there will be sex/lovemaking just not everyday and any time he wants it.But there will be lovemaking.You have to communicate with him OP. He sounds like a good husband.Happy marriage OP!!