I took the keen note of all you said. These are some disturbing issues spotted :

1. You failed to tell us the prospects of buying and selling which obviously is your wife's passion.

2. You are headbent having your way all the time irrespective of your wife's feelings and aspirations.

3. You seem not to have critically analyzed your wife's ambitions hence the friction.

4. Above all, you are fixated on total control of the home rather than partnership in marriage hence your wife's struggles for air of freedom to be herself.

Also, there is a cross purpose between both of you.
You never gave time towards understanding your wife and her passion.

It is high time we men realized that education is never solely meant for white collar job rather for self development.

You can only get the best out of every partner for allowing her be the best she can be. In this case you need to shift grounds and give her unflinching support to live her passion.

It is never too late. Don't let your marriage fail.

If I found out my man is cheating on me, that’s the same way I would leave. No fighting or drama blah blah blah. I would plan my exit quietly.
So she left you for that believe me.

However both of you have blames in this case. I know that if I were you, I’d be very hurt too about her saying she should have married someone else. That’s also something I’d find hard to forgive.

If you want her back, give it time. Don’t force it.

To safe your marriage you need more than love!

I guess your wife was raised by a single mum and hence consultation and joint decision making between father and mother was lacking in her upbringing.

Moreover, this was either neglected or not properly stressed during pre marriage counselling if at all you had one.

The chances of anyone marrying your wife with three kids is very slim hence she may not be with any man. However, a man may have supported her to relocate to naija successfully. Don't take offence at that though it's annoying!

Going forward this is what I think you should do!

Repent from your unholy union and be committed / faithful to your marriage.

Keep sending messages, begging and apologising. Never stop even if it take years! Remember to also include voice message.

Make friends with her sister, spoil the sister with goods so that you will almost knows all your wife moves and be proactive to lovingly use them to the advantage of you and your family.

Try to get to Nigeria or anywhere she relicated to as quickly as you can and make effort to see her and plead with her.

After your course work please get a good job and save a good amount and set up that shop for your wife.

If you can't get good paying job on America, look to other country.

My brother use everything you have to fight for your marriage but in the process never hurt her.

Know your wife and cultivate her along what she is good at and you will forever be happy!

God bless you and your household.


Shalom!

mcdreeezy:


That's not enough reason for the wife to leave. In the OP's post, he talked about many times where his wife didn't respond to his advances. But he didn't leave her because of that. But just the first time he couldn't get it up for her, she booked a flight back home? Just the first time?

Men and women react differently to sex. You know that.

For a man to see a willing woman and Not get an erection, something terrible must be wrong!

Congratulations on your freedom from a marriage in bondage.
Better luck next time.

Why not take a deep breathe and change your strategy? Change it up... Truth is, if you continue to respond in the way that has brought you pains and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result.

Just some little shift can make a big difference.

Sure, its gonna be tough but you just need to hold off for a few moment by keeping your ego aside.

Try to reach her by all means. Apologize, apologize and don't fail to apologize. Then watch something happen.

But where is lalasticlala sef

Most people here are responding based on what I narrated here. It goes way beyond that. If you take your time to read my earlier post on this issue, you'll understand what I'm saying more.

https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore

Next week will be the fifth year anniversary of the day my wife and I tied the knot. It hasn’t really been smooth sailing and many people feel marriage is all about a fairy tale, a handsome hunk sweeping the fair damsel off her feet and riding off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. From my experience, marriage is anything but.

A year after our wedding, my wife lost her mother on that ill-fated Dana plane crash. She was barely into her first month of pregnancy and she almost lost the baby. God knows how much we all tried to hold things together for her and her younger ones as she automatically became the mother figure to her younger ones. A few months later, into her 8th month of pregnancy, we both left the shores of Nigeria to the US as I had accepted an admission for graduate studies.

Fast forward to today, we have three lovely kids, a girl (the first) and two twin boys. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife. In clearer terms, I fear I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t as smooth as one would expect. We all know, especially those who live here in the States, that working as an International student is hard. You can hardly find companies that want to hire foreigners, especially in the IT field I’m in. I sometimes wonder how I would pay for rent, utilities, daycare, and even food at the beginning of each month. Rent alone takes away all my meager salary. My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay. Luckily she also started school on a tuition-only scholarship, so we have to take the kids to the day-care almost everyday, which is an additional strain to the meager pay I receive.

I don’t want to assume it is my feelings for her reducing, but these days I almost always catch myself staring at her in forlorn. I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage. I want to assume it is the stress of all this, coupled with my school work, but these days any little thing she does annoys me. She doesn’t help matters either and sometimes we shout at each other or argue over the most trivial of things. For the past couple of months we’ve not slept in the same room. She prefers to sleep with our daughter while I sleep with the boys in the other room. Anytime I want us to be together, she’ll complain that the kids are too young to sleep alone. I accepted that argument when we first had the boys but they are almost three now. I sometimes have to carry them to their room so that she will “agree” to stay with me, and that is sometimes with great reluctance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife. I just fear I don’t find her attractive anymore. The other night she told me our sex life has really dwindled and I out rightly told her it was her fault. She said she knows and she’ll try being better but till date I’ve not seen any improvement. She’ll complain of being tired or a headache anytime I want to initiate anything, only to plead with me the following morning. There was a day she just lay there like a log of wood, indirectly telling me to do what I want to do and be done with it. I got so angry that I didn’t know when I started yelling on her. She didn’t even respond and turned to face the wall. I left her alone in bed and slept on the couch that night.

I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

kunleajaye:


Where would I have got the 10k from? You make it sound as if $10000 is something you just pluck out of the air.

Sorry for derailing bro, but if 10k (approx 1.5M pre-Buhari) is big cash to you, why are you staying abroad? Are you hoping for something better. With a managerial level job with a good company in Nigeria, you can earn something close to 1.5M every month and while the purchasing power of the naira is week, you'll be quite comfortable with it.

With over 5 yearsnor more cognate experience (including foreign experience) and aforeign masters from a reputable school you will be well positioned for a good managerial job here. If you are lucky, you may even get employed as a repatriate

keepingmum:
Your marriage ended when you started sleepinb with a w.hore and investing emotionally and financially witg her rather than spending on your wife and kids (your number 1 priority).
Your wife figured out but didnt say anything and you werent clued up enough to realise you were caught.

Some men can be something else.

Now get a better woman.

Thank God It Ended
For Early Dis Year , U No Fit Marry Again

Brother.... guess its time to move on, maybe you were just there to help her achieve her dreams and pay her fees.

Ehya

greatgod2012:
The truth is that your wife actually understand that you've been emotionally and sexually connected to another woman, hence, her decision to relocate quietly and without any drama.

You should also realise that before meeting another woman , she i.e the wife has been drifting off in terms of behaviour

I feel touched.. Very touched

We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I

My peniis at that point be like

kunleajaye:


Of course I want her. She's my wife and I love her to bits. I know I'm not a perfect human being. No one is perfect. I also have faults in this but I'm willing to talk this out. At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States cos we were very happy before we came here.

Guy come naija make i give you charm for free when you use go use tie your wife well she will never misbehave, she will forever love you. Nor be long story, if you need come get it, i know how it feels to be in love and your partner they misbehave that's why I want to help you if you need it.

Atk1nson:


Sorry for derailing bro, but if 10k (approx 1.5M pre-Buhari) is big cash to you, why are you staying abroad? Are you hoping for something better. With a managerial level job with a good company in Nigeria, you can earn something close to 1.5M every month and while the purchasing power of the naira is week, you'll be quite comfortable with it.

With over 5 yearsnor more cognate experience (including foreign experience) and aforeign masters from a reputable school you will be well positioned for a good managerial job here. If you are lucky, you may even get employed as a repatriate

10 thousand dollars is quite dear ...and it is not 1.5m please!!!..and op should not move to Nigeria... Ever!!!!.....even people earning above 5m are complaining!!!!!..no security, no light, no fuel.. And you want him to move back?...

kunleajaye:
Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

May God never allow u make any mistake as big as this ever again. How could u marry someone who puts you in second place to another? I was actually getting angry at the way your wife chose to behave until I got to the part where she blatantly told u to ur face that she would rather be with another man than with u. The mistake has been made but sincerely this was all your fault, you are only lying on your bed as you chose to have it made.Your problems started since u both got together and the truth is that she loved him more than she loves you for the very fact that even after bearing children for u, she regrets marrying you. Say no to being number two(2) cos that's what u were simply considered as and u knew it from the start.

Can't you guys work it out? So sad seeing couples separate.

If you love your wife, rush now and resolve this, i warn, don't let her fall into the hands of Some wicked Nigerian Men (Yoruba Yahoo boys ).
You may not get to see her again, i tell you.

Act now or never..

Go back to Nigeria and mend your affairs... You can't stay in Us and tell us it over.. You are happy she left baa.. So that u can date the stripper... If you love and want her as you think.. Take a flight to Nigeria and let your family settle it...

Men and opportunities to cheat

This story is really sad.

I think marriages should end without fighting to keep it together. Obviously you have no control over your own home and neither you nor your wife understand each other enough to communicate without drama.

So go to Nigeria, find her and listen to what she has to say and explain your stand too. You two just need to listen to each other.

She seems like an opinionated woman so I understand why she doesn't want to spend her time in the USA working for someone when she can do something in the fashion industry.

But you two have to agree anyway or I don't see how this marriage will last at all.

Just find her and have a conversation not a yelling contest.

P. S. Enough with the silly excuses btw. You're a man so own up to your responsibility. Whatever your wife denied you, romping with that LovePeddler was all your doing. Just keep your pants on henceforth, ok?

All the best.

Seriously speaking feminism has destroyed so many relationships and marriages, our women now finds it difficult to come to terms with their spouse just because they feel their opinion should supercede .nothing like compromise again

I feel the lady wants to get comfortable with her finances and don't need to depend on you, most ladies who move abroad are told by other ladies to get independent so you can't kick them out just like that.

Another red flag, when she mentioned another man's name that she would have preferred to marry him over you, whenever a women makes such a statement, just know a lot of foundation has been eroded in her heart towards you.

That awwal guy might have used something on your wife.. perphals I will advise you to first fix yourself and turn to God to direct your steps.. you can never change or convince this kind of woman you married.. give her time don't be desperate.. TIME will tell and she will come looking for you...

Kunleajaye. Pls dont be in a hurry to replace her. I don't know why women are wired that way. She would soon see that the grass is not as green on the other side as she earlier thought. She would come back to her senses, believe me. Whatever, always put the kids first.
Keep ur mind focused on work. You will be alright

Op, your problem is a general problem most new couples face. You just have to let go your youthful life same applies to your wife, the moment you marry alot of things changes; your mode of talk, your acceptance to certain things and your reasoning. Ego is the major thing here, your wife is a potential woman who wants to contribute to the house while you are a fearful man who is afraid of challenges.
In conclusion, get close to your wife, treat her like in those days...consider your mom taking care of the kids while you and your wife put head together to make a better future . GOD bless your marriage

kunleajaye:
Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

My brother i feel your pain but you made some error but am not in the position to judge you.
Mark my words your marriage with your wife is not yet over i can see the revival in your marriage and life transformation. Smile bro and Thank me later