₦airaland Forum

keepingmum:
Your marriage ended when you started sleeping with a w.hore and investing emotionally and financially with her rather than spending on your wife and kids (your number 1 priority).
Your wife figured out but didnt say anything and you werent clued up enough to realise you were caught

From yourfirst post we all advised you to improve your finances as it appears your wife was feeling the strain financially.
Clearly you were/are only interested in seex.
Madam started hustling academically and even doing biz on the sides to make ends meet yet you were busy frustrating her efforts. Naturally she ll feel she made a mistake marrying a dream killer.

Have you ever seen any of the Times/Forbes richest folks make money from been employees

Your wife didnt go off to meet men to satisfy her financial needs but you went off to a stripperr....and you dont see anything wrong

Mrflyguy:
Don't mind this guy o .

UjuJoan2:
You caused it. . . .you stopped loving your own wife! You broke the deal and you broke the marriage agreement

It's not the consorting with the stripper that's the problem, it's the inability to have an erection for your own wife. I Would walk away from the sham of a marriage too if it were me.

kunleajaye:
Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

Aquariann:
I find the comments of most females here distasteful. They're all blaming the man for turning to another woman forgetting his wife has been denying him sex for eons.

To my second point, let's flip the script ladies. You're in the heat of an argument with your husband (not boyfriend or fiance please), and he tells you to your face he regretted choosing you over some other girl he was romantically involved with at a point.

Yes, the OPs wife told him to his face that (after five years of being married to her) she still prefered the other guy. She crossed the line at this point and NO MAN, worth his name will take this insult.

And yes, it was after she not just rejected him in the bedroom, but also voiced her rejection to his face that he was pushed to the other lady. Personally, I'll never have an erectïon for such a woman again, because I'll just find it hard to get it out of my head that she's just giving me a pity fvck.

Perhaps untill y'all understand the importance of sex (to a man) in marriage, y'all shouldn't get married.

Fourwinds:
"10000 dollars would have save this marriage "


this must be a female talking..

tell me why can't she work for a while and raise part of the money.... I feel like slapping your mouth because some of you will be so lazy to source for money but you want to heap monstrous burden on your husbands. some of you have no heart at all ...


do you think paying back debt is an easy task nonsense

Aquariann:
I find the comments of most females here distasteful. They're all blaming the man for turning to another woman forgetting his wife has been denying him sex for eons.

To my second point, let's flip the script ladies. You're in the heat of an argument with your husband (not boyfriend or fiance please), and he tells you to your face he regretted choosing you over some other girl he was romantically involved with at a point.

Yes, the OPs wife told him to his face that (after five years of being married to her) she still prefered the other guy. She crossed the line at this point and NO MAN, worth his name will take this insult.

And yes, it was after she not just rejected him in the bedroom, but also voiced her rejection to his face that he was pushed to the other lady. Personally, I'll never have an erectïon for such a woman again, because I'll just find it hard to get it out of my head that she's just giving me a pity fvck.

Perhaps untill y'all understand the importance of sex (to a man) in marriage, y'all shouldn't get married.

majekdom2:
many young Nigerian ladies dont understand men. No man will get ''erected''for a nagging woman. Solomon made that clear... talk more of finding her attractive. to make it worse, comparing him to another man because of money. All I see here is a woman who cant be satisfied

UjuJoan2:
Men and women react diffyerently to sex. You know that.

For a man to see a willing woman and Not get an erection, something terrible must be wrong!

Chubhie:
I think 10 thousand dollars would've saved this marriage. quite sad.

You must dedicate the rest of your life towards working hard to provide the best living experiences to those innocent kids of yours.

Now, you miss your wife? really? I guess your penis would've risen that night your wife came to you if you have anticipated today's reality?

A prayer for the dead and signpost for the blind perhaps?

pocohantas:
And you men understand women?
Ever wondered why his wife is nagging?

Both parties are wrong to me. They should grow up...

kunleajaye:
Where would I have got the 10k from? You make it sound as if $10000 is something you just pluck out of the air.

majekdom2:
nagging over 10k dolls the husband refused to let her borrow... Hiya, they don't share the same financial values and finance is a major part of a relationship. They will keep struggling over that part .... besides, its bad to borrow! one is supposed to be the lender not the borrower!

iamloyalty:
Ur wife already knew abt ur LovePeddler hence her leaving. U can still fight for ur marriage if u want to because both of u are at fault here, dont listen to some who are anti-marriage here.

pocohantas:
That's an easy issue to be resolved, not like they married a week ago. Marriages comes with had times. That's my problem with most men...they are not fixers. Always looking for the nearest side chic to lay, rather than sorting out their family issues.

They are both at fault!!

majekdom2:
Yes they are both at fault but there is something you are missing. It takes something to ignite a fire. A lady keeps in contact with another dude and she boldly tells her man, the dude would have made a better spouse.... Lols. All I see here is a lady who is confused and feeling regrets making the decision to marry her husband. Most men ease their frustration by "cumming". Its one way the male body has been wired... women need to understand this plus considering the fact that there are many young ladies attracted to married men

Dcholeric:
don't let anyone deceive you that you didn't pay attention to her business plan (that is foolishness). Reason being you don't have $10k , she refuse to work in order to gradually start up her business even when she knows you are going to contribute . she didn't consider the fact that you don't have the cash at hand and it is a very risky game to stand for a loan (even if you were the one with the idea I guess you still won't take that loan knowing the risk involved).

Don't blame yourself for the sexual paralysis in your home ...Reason being you can't force her to want sex with you otherwise it did be rape (if what you said about her refusal to have sex with you is true).

Don't blame yourself for her pursuing what she want . Reason being you seem not to be able to provide financially for her ambition and she is impatient to work towards it and is also selfish enough not to consider your financial capability.

you bleeped up..yes you bleeped up. firstly you cheated by fvcking a wh©re, like that wasn't enough you let the "fvcking" get into your head that it affected your emotion for your wife (you could have at least pretended especially seeing that she was making moves)..

now be calm. work hard . keep a positive and happy mind set ( tell yourself that whatever happens whether she stays or leave, you have chosen to be Happy "take a deep breath and smile". take care of your kids and always reason with what she says before taking any action.

lastly, live your life to the fullness of joy. Don't kill yourself over nobody, do what you can at your best and walk out on what will kill you .

pocohantas:
Since you're so good at ascertaining the root cause, help us ascertain why she is keeping contact with another due?

We ease ours by talking, you men should learn to listen more.
Only a relaxed woman can help you ease yourself.

There are many young men attracted to married women too, women are just more coded about theirs. So, stop blowing your trumpets.

masterchi:
Guy grow some guts and balls and fight for ur marriage except u are happy to let go.

DonOms:
Kunleajaye,

Your marriage hasn't ended yet as your topic says. I however agree it may be one on its potentially last lap. You mentioned you love your wife so much but from your narrative it appears you may not have done enough to support that statement. But this isn't about passing blames, please, just pointing out that I think you should have done more to keep your wife.

You didn't say what you want about your marriage and neither did you ask for advice as you are already coming to terms that the marriage may have ended. But if you love her and want her back in your life, then here's my take:

Like most marriages that fail, the couple first refuse to settle a difference and allow that to grow into bitterness and resentment and then they gradually spiral out of 'love.' You should try to LISTEN more to your wife and encourage her to do the same. There's a way you can deny a woman's request and she won't say, "you're not supportive of her dreams" but agree with your disapproval.

I think you should fight for your wife by going to that Nigeria she has gone to. Have a proper talk with her and listen to everything she has to say. Then you both should come to an agreeable compromise (that's what love demands). Except your wife is being dishonest - i.e. if she has gone to Nigeria for a different reason than what she said, that's perhaps the only reason she won't want to agree to this. Unless of course she has completely fallen out of love with you and wants a divorce.

I sincerely hope and pray things will work out for you and you will make the rightmost decision for yourself and family.

majekdom2:
numerous...but from the Op's post, The woman's problem is non contentment. ....Its been a destroyer of many marriages. Will you ask me why she is non contented?? Lols, I know what you are trying to do... why are women coded about theirs

glogirl:
Saadd.
@OP,

can you just forget about yourself and put yourself in her shoes?

you have been married for 5 years...
she lost her mom 1 year into your marriage..
within the remaining 4 years, she had 3 kids...
Relocated to america(for you), away from family and friends and the stability she had in nigeria...
took up schooling...caring for the kids... taking care of the home...do you provide enough support in all this?


all you can do is look at her and not see the girl you married.. of course you should not see the girl you married.. you should see a wife that has made sacrifices for you and borne 3 of your children..a woman that is strongly supporting you....

Poster, she was overwhelmed..and you do not want to see or understand her(i am sure she has communicated this to you), may be if you loved yourself less, you will notice/listen to your spouse.

and then you crowned it all by cheatingg.. Of course she knows, she is not a fool... and then she realizes that she cannot trust you with her body, her heart and most of all, the rest of her life...

so she made the ultimate decision.. to stand tall , move back to nigeria and fend for herself and her children...

please note these...

while you are both toiling to make a living, keep her smiling... tease her, tickle and play while in the kitchen before you ask for sex in the bed.. she is not a generator that starts with a key... maybe you need to warm her up first..

to maintain a happy home while cheating or being selfish is not easy. Every man is doing it they say, but they will not tell you the state of their homes,cheating changes the psyche of a woman , especially one that loves you..................................

connect with your wife, if she is cold to you as usual, talk to her about her fears, her worries, does she even sleep well or night, or does she toss and turn, do u even notice?

talk to her, if it turns into a shouting match or a cold discussion, write to her.. keep writing.. in fact writing is the best... she can go back to it and reread......

i have soo much to advise , but what do I know? Maybe you both are better off apart...

God will help you

imconfused:
I think one of the reasons for frustration in this marriage is that the OP brought in naija style of marriage,the type where duties are relegated to woman type and man type.

Op you both failed to work together and support each other.You mentioned something about the children going hungry and I want to ask if you are handicapped?So you were busy marking time and waiting for hunger to finish your children because it's your wife's job to feed them? Both of you should have been able to work with and round each other.If She's in school ,you deal with home stuff,if you are in school she does home stuff.This is the only way to survive abroad especially for a couple who are still finding their feet.

You both can choose one thing after another esp with her own ambition..na turn by turn till you stabilise.A happy loving home situation with calm discussions would have taken care of this.After all,you love each other.

Its easy to see how she became cold towards you.Stress and thinking de kill am.She left Naija not really knowing what America is.You sef hustling and school stress would make things more tense at home.All you both need is understanding & working side by side.You must drop all your preconceived notions about marriage and forge your own style.

Its veey disappointing that at the smallest hint of trouble you went to a stripper and worst of all you were doing 69..no hiv test,you don't know if she has herpes,you carried your wide mouth and chooked inside stripper Kini..

Your wife was wrong ,very very wrong for the words she said,it was below the belt.Please forget Awaan,she CHOSE you,she CHOSE to be with you.People hurt each other and say horrible things sometimes when arguing especially as a semi newly married couple.She tried to atone by offering herself to you and she was humiliated by your rejection/ lack of erection..
She really had no choice but to leave and have some space.

This marriage is very young & can be salvaged.Its not too late.The time apart can help you both re evaluate & decide to help each other out.Ambition when supported within reason can yield massive fruits

Go and save your marriage,kpatakpata wear red pant..Good luck

zicoraads:
Too much 'noise' here. Too many pieces of advice. Is marriage even a do or die affair?

Wo, life is too short to stay in an unhealthy or unhappy situation. Life's struggles itself can even be tiring. Just do what you want to do. It's possible you and that other señorita are even soulmates

kunleajaye:
Thank you all for your kind comments in this trying times for me. I do love my wife and I adore my kids and would never abandon them. I came to the US with her to better myself and further my education, and since i didn't want her to remain idle and dormant while i studied, i advised her to apply to skool too. All this I explained in my post last year. I'll do anything for my kids and wife and she knows it.

MizMyColi:
Oshey, Akuko!
Na so!

Soulmate wey allow me marry, born three children before showing up in my life, is that one a soulmate?

Biko, biko, let me sleep peacefully with this cigar in my mouth.

No disturbance please