Coldfeets:


You are right.

This is one problem I will always have with women.

They will expect you as a man to measure up to their own standards but they will never want to measure up to your own standards.

They will want you as a man to accept their baggage but they will never even consider your baggage even for one moment not to mention accepting it.

Like I read in one red pill book, if you want to maintain your position in any relationship with a woman, make sure you hold her under the same standards that she will hold you.

Most women are selfish in relationships and always looking out for their own benefits first.

Make sure that you as a man will always be looking out for your own benefits first too.

Once a woman learns that you are not the type that will just be accepting her selfish tendencies, she will have no other option than to reset her senses to selflessness which will favour all concerned.

Simply stated, treat a woman exactly the same way she treats you.

That's how you can always maintain your position when you are in a relationship with a woman.

If all men will simply learn this rather than accepting any bullshit women throw to them all in the name of love or just allowing peace to reign, I tell you, no woman will ever think it is her right to be telling men what to do and be criticizing such men when they refuse to do it.

little boys will nvr understand this line of thought.. theyd be giving stupid advise they know nuffn about.

Elder001:



Truer words have never been said.


Most men don't have a problem with this issue but if it is the other way round the women won't want to set their eyes on the kid especially if the man is wealthy.


All these women berating the man on this thread are not normal. Instead of them to direct their grievances to the idiot who rejected his own blood they're blaming the OP.

A typical African woman can't condole what men condole every day in the family.

most of them r freakn babymamas tlkn shit.

perfectedmee:


Dealing with the dad?
If the boy was important 2 gim, he did be growing up in his House na.

I've been paying his fees, I HV been dre even at his birth.

If the Father was responsible the mum wouldn't be my fiancée.

oga if na fiancee she still be dont fvckn gock ursef. Except u know wht ure doing dont fall for that trap. Youll end up wadting ur tym. The poor child doesnt deserve whats coming for him. Marriage is a different ball game. Trust me.

Ioannes:


True talk.

I no tell u? D looser is quoting despite not quoting him directly das cos truth hurts n I smell frustration at d same time. Anyways I will ignore him like plague like I once advised u. he doesn't know frustration kills faster dan aids n cancer join together. He's even contradicting himself. Childish.

Donjazzy12:

Don't mind foolish men here supporting rubbish!

revolt:
little boys will nvr understand this line of thought.. theyd be giving stupid advise they know nuffn about.

Don't blame such guys.

They all have been so pussified.

In fact, so pussified to the extent that if a woman tells them to slap their own mothers, they might consider doing it... just to show her he loves her.

Very weak and stupid and worthless men everywhere!!!

Running after pussy as if pussy is more precious than diamond.

Moji12:
I no tell u? D looser is quoting despite not quoting him directly das cos truth hurts n I smell frustration at d same time. Anyways I will ignore him like plague like I once advised u. he doesn't know frustration kills faster dan aids n cancer join together. He's even contradicting himself. Childish.

If i pounce on u this night nl will judge our matter.

adontcare:
did u read where d girls dad rejected her and her grand mum also gave them 3 days to get d child away from her?. It is better for d op not to marry his wife again than to render a baby homeless because of an irresponsible father and a selfish grandma

That father is not irresponsible please, and the grandma is not selfish.
It's time for her mother to step up.
A mother that abandoned her child for 6 years, not knowing how the child is faring, yet remarried and going about her life as though if the child is alive or not, its none of her business.
Is that one a mother?
Her husband says she is hardworking, meaning she is earning money. She should also take care of her own daughter.
If it means packing out and renting a place for her child to stay with her, then let her do it.
Which responsible single mother marries a man not ready to accept her child?

whitedove:
Thanks, I have found love again but it took me 6 years!

How old is your son in the UK?

perfectedmee:


Dealing with the dad?
If the boy was important 2 gim, he did be growing up in his House na.

I've been paying his fees, I HV been dre even at his birth.

If the Father was responsible the mum wouldn't be my fiancée.

Have you ever met him?

This is really a complicated issue as some people said you should adopt the child. How can you adopt a child that is not thrown away? Did the father said he does not want the child again? so what will be the basis for adoption?

You have only two options:
(1) Accept the child and be ready to be fair and you should know that it will involve school fees. And be ready to tolerate the fact that the father will always request to see the child once in a while.

(2) If you know that you may not be fair or you wont be able to take the burden of school fees when the need arises, please reject. It is better than keep a child that will grow up to hate u.

NairalandFAYOSE:
pardon my blunders.
I was aware she has a baby before we met but still continued the relationship because the baby is with the father. she told me it was a mistake and the guy's family doesn't support their relationship. so they went their different ways while the guy kept the baby.

when we started, I found out she's humble, hardworking and she's everything I ever wanted in a woman. so we got married 4 years ago and have a 3 year old son and 2 beautiful twins (just 3 months old).

now the problem started when she went to church and her ex brought her 7 years old daughter unannounced. that he's married now and can't continue taking Care of the girl.
she called me from church and told me. immediately I told her not to bring a child thats not mine to me. she now took the baby to her mom and came home to meet me with my kids.
she has been begging me since to allow the baby in our home because the mother gave her 3 days to come and take her baby from her.

nairalanders pls I need your advice on this. those it make sense that I take the baby while the father is out there enjoying his life.

eyinjuege:


That father is not irresponsible please, and the grandma is not selfish.
It's time for her mother to step up.
A mother that abandoned her child for 6 years, not knowing how the child is faring, yet remarried and going about her life as though if the child is alive or not, its none of her business.
Is that one a mother?
Her husband says she is hardworking, meaning she is earning money. She should also take care of her own daughter.
If it means packing out and renting a place for her child to stay with her, then let her do it.
Which responsible single mother marries a man not ready to accept her child?

where was it stated dat she abandoned d child for 6 yrs?. It is both d father and d mother responsibility to take care of d child. If d man hands off, and d only person dat could assist her( her grand ma) back off, what do u want d woman to do? She pleaded with op and he is confused because of his family stance. Lord know I won't abandon my child for anything whether am married to Jesus

NairalandFAYOSE:
I don't Think My family will like this. they don't really like her that much Cus they say she is "AFTER ONE"

Your family should not have a say in your marriage. How you see your wife is the way they will also see her.

If you respect her and hold her in high esteem, they will do the same. But if you are shaky and not sure, they will capitalize on that.

Please protect her and accept her and her baggage. It comes with marriage.

I really wonder why he can't accept the child, I can't just wrap my head around it

MizMyColi:
Bro, let's look at the issues you raised - one by one.



If there was an agreement that the wife's daughter will never smell the veranda of his compound, trust me, the husband would have made it explicitly clear to all of us.



Do you also know hw many men are willing to take such a woman whom the husband has greatly eulogized into their home, and even gladly accept 2 children from her that are not theirs? For him to have been attracted to her in the first place, despite being - according to him - "an AFTER ONE" --- there are at least 10 other men out there who would want her. Husband is scarce, husband is scarce; that story is not for good, enterprising women who know their God.



If he isn't, he should let his wife know his concerns....and show compassion for the child. It is the same womb that carried your children that carried that 7 year old. That 7 year old is the woman's first fruit. People are being harsh on him because he did not stop for a moment in his post to conider how it must be for that girl. I called him a selfish man because when you love someone, their baggage becomes yours. You don't look in one direction when it is convenient for you, and look the other way when it isn't. I am married too. I know how I carry the things that have to do with my hubby on my head. I know how passionate I am about his family. Is it always convenient? No. But I love him, and that love overflows to his family too. It is the same for him and my family. That's the way it should be.



Anybody who tells you that their marriage is exactly as they expected it to be is lying. sometimes, you get more than you bargained for.



The woman did the right thing. To beg. It's good. But he should know that he is not God. God is the one who drives away flies from the tailess cow. He should also know that he has lost the better part of the woman if after all her pleas, he does not allow the child into the home. Even if it is just to sleep.



Which mental valuations?
What if he were in his wife's shoes, what will he do?
What would you do?



The reason I will not cut him any slack is because he is being selfish by claiming it is HIS home. It is THEIR home. Whether the woman contributed one naira or not, it is THEIR home.
Perhaps, if he saw things from that angle, he would know better and show some compassion despite the difficulties he might be facing in reaching a decision.

cyndylove64:
if am correct u are aware she has a child before u married her.my question is if reserve was the case am sure your wife will allow u to bring in your child.why not just adopt the girl and see the child as your own blood after all your children has the mother blood running through her veins,stop saying no unless you dont love your wife,i will advise u bring in the child,see her as your first child and blood also adopt her.unless you want to destroy ur home cause u dnt want a child with u.better still let the child stay with but make sure her father take care of the bills.

tell his wife to report to welfare or Fida. And he will be served with a letter to take care of his child financially. No sane mother will abandon her adolescent child because of marriage

kushme:
Respect Sir, @bolded.. However, from your open statement, I don't think women are really the problem..let's see it from another angle. Most times, a man' thirst for pucci can becloud his sense of reasoning.. Both men played in the suffering and resettling of the kid..

1. Biological father allowed a selfish pucci (new wife) to kick out a daughter who was there before her.. (what evil can you compare to this? ).

2. Step dad allowed is love for pucci not to see this day. He was enjoying the baby mama's toto, thinking, the child and her biological father won't be in the picture someday.. Most people lie to themselves during fvcks.

Lastly, the child would have been a lucky child having someone like me as a father with my "no marriage" mentality.. Cos, no woman will leave in my house.. So, na Papa and pikin till eternity..

I dey tell u o. Marriage is just overrated. If not for pressure, am not d marriage type. Na baby mama thing as far I can take care of kids

Done.
Thanks

ojdollars:


And you quit your job so you could raise and be there for your daughter? Could you please contact me if you got a min?

As for the Ok, it's not easy and I understand from our broader Nigeria cultural perspective. Bro, see the big picture. That little girl could have been you, deal with her with grace not the law. We will be remembered for the lives we touched and gave a meaning, not our families or friends perspective of such sensitive issue as this. God rewards, God feels, God cares. Pray and make a decision guided by the Holy Ghost, if you have a Pastor and you're a Christian, could you consider seeking his advise at least?

Jamean:
I really wonder why he can't accept the child, I can't just wrap my head around it

why dont u go and adopt the child na....or arent u a good person...a christain.

My dear...it has not been easy but God's infinite grace has been sufficient all round.
Thank you

memories1:


I'd love to meet you someday somehow. You'd make a great friend. My story is somewhat similar to yours(the part of giving up career for your child's welfare). Sometimes I go batshit thinking of how I'm passing over career opportunities because being dependent has it's downsides. Seeing your comment was really encouraging. You go girl!

Moji12:
I no tell u? D looser is quoting despite not quoting him directly das cos truth hurts n I smell frustration at d same time. Anyways I will ignore him like plague like I once advised u. he doesn't know frustration kills faster dan aids n cancer join together. He's even contradicting himself. Childish.

Lol. Best to ignore.

helpee:
You guys are blackmailing the guy into accepting what he doesn't want. The issue is, I CAN NEVER FEEL GUILTY REJECTING A CHILD WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE AND WHOSE GRANDMOTHER IS REJECTING. Why is the mother of the wife rejecting her? Somebody said because the mother is Alive. So is the father dead? He can accept if he is comfortable with it. If he is not, he shouldn't feel guilty. Why cant the new wife of the father accept her too? Op, you better don't care what all these nairalander moralist say. Real life is different. You know a retired judge raised by step father. Millions exist like that. Likewise millions of stepfather are hated by their step children regardless of the sacrifice the stepfather made. I know so many too. So it is not a yardstick. Reject the child if you don't want and never feel guilty (the father, the wife of the father, the mother of the mother all rejected her and they are not feeling guilty because it is not convenient for them) Accept her if you want....but never because all these moralist are blackmailing you into it

ogbeni, no one is blackmailing d op. It is not d child fault dat everyone rejected her. 7yr old child for dat matter. If d op cannot take her in, it is his concern, but he should know dat no normal woman will bear her child being homeless

revolt:
If i pounce on u this night nl will judge our matter.

wat a good laff

[quote author=revolt post=70042876]

tht being said, marriage isnt run by empathy. Its strictly tactics and wisdom.

Oh really? Is that from your many years as a married man? Lol. Marriage is not run by empathy indeed. Figures. And we wonder why there's so much divorce these days?
If you can't empathize with your wife you have no business getting married. Marriage is more of a covenant than a contract. Run it like a business contract and watch it fold up.

Thats why babaymamas shouldnt go looking for husbands since they have a kid they do not want to let go of.

And baby papas can go around feeling funky and getting married to whomever they fancy? What nonsense.

The child will be the one to suffer for their selfishness.

Selfishness in trying to find happy, love and a home for herself? I shake my head for you.

The man and his wife probably had a discuss with his wife b4 marriage. There were terms and conditions.

Were you the chief arbiter that helped them draw up these terms and conditions? If so, let's hear about those terms and conditions sir.

Unfortunately on desperation she probably assured him the child would be with the father. You cannot suddenly chamge and expecr him to jes accept it. She should wait and probably pray he accepys to allow the child come not form good mother and bring the chld in by force.

So many suppositions and conjectures and guesses all of which are probably not true.

She should wait and probably prays he accepts blah blah blah...

Well if your sister or daughter also happens to make the same mistake of having a child out of wedlock, I hope you'll be ready with this advise for them?

You prolly don't know anything about getting married and staying married, do you?

The wife will respect the husband who can't step up and protect her and cover her shame when she needs him the most. Is that your supposition?

I'm done with this tread abeg.

eyinjuege:


That father is not irresponsible please, and the grandma is not selfish.
It's time for her mother to step up.
A mother that abandoned her child for 6 years, not knowing how the child is faring, yet remarried and going about her life as though if the child is alive or not, its none of her business.
Is that one a mother?
Her husband says she is hardworking, meaning she is earning money. She should also take care of her own daughter.
If it means packing out and renting a place for her child to stay with her, then let her do it.
Which responsible single mother marries a man not ready to accept her child?

chikena I jus can't wrap my head around it, God bless u jare.

Jamean:
I really wonder why he can't accept the child, I can't just wrap my head around it

Very simple, the same reason the wife to the child's father rejected her.
You lots see everything wrong in Op's decision not to accept the child, but ignore the fact that her father's wife rejected her.
Is there any better hypocrisy than this?

Jamean:
I really wonder why he can't accept the child, I can't just wrap my head around it

It is well o.

My simple question for him is...

Oga, if na you, nko?

Humblesam:


Are you sure she is your wife or you're telling us a story here... what's the meaning of "after one"?
Forgive me,you sound childish here.
And I hate stuff like " my family this, my family that" in marriage issues.
For me...My marriage is fucking my business and the woman am married to...NO THIRD PARTY.
NO one sent me.

I don't like commenting o. I got angry when I saw the after one comment. But your comment calmed me down.
Chai. Africans o, you marry you no quick get belle, they call u barren and names, you carry belle born out of wedluck b4 marriage even born for your husband, they still call you after one.
Useless mentality aswear.
99.9% of ladies av gotten preg in one or two occasion but na who born her own we know.
How can a person hate a woman cox she has a child outside b4 marriage.? Honestly it baffles me.
And Op is falling for such shit.
Chai.

kapelvej:
Take a decision that you can be happy with, you can send the girl to relatives and support finanancially. Ultimately your joy and peace is superior. For your information, no matter the documentation you do, that lovely girl can never be your daughter, no SAN can win the case when the father comes for the child in future as long as he did not sign of that he did not want the child anymore. Pepple have called the man names, do you know what it takes for a man to raise a girl till she turned 7 ?, Ask your wife the arrangements for child support from the man, visitations etc. You seriously believe a man will raise a child to seven years and dump her on her mother ! please seek advice from elders on this issue.I I hope your present wife did not do anything stupid to that girl's dad long ago that is making him act like this ? Which man will want to loose a woman that has the qualities you described in your wife.Your joy and peace is the ultimate You take a decision based on nairalnders sentiments at your peril.

true as this may seem nothing justifies a dad sending out his own child hed trained for 7 yrs. The stoty doesnt evn add. The wife is hardwrkn n the guy was wth the child? 7yrs?.guy has no justificatiom. He shd b glad the babymama left his dota wth him.

beinstein:

Very simple, the same reason the wife to the child's father rejected her.
You lots see everything wrong in Op's decision not to accept the child, but ignore the fact that her father's wife rejected her.
Is there any better hypocrisy than this?

Did you read proof what you typed before submitting it? Because it's not comprehensive and doesn't make sense. It's a human being you're using the word reject for upandan like this.

Please don't quote me again.

[quote author=Ioannes post=70046946][/quote]maam no vex this is the real world. Blood is thicker than water. The child will still go back in search of her dad. No man toils and sweats to cater for anoda mans child when the resources are scarce. He can barely tke care of his and to think the father dumped the child voluntarily because of marriage( he had custody) mkes it evn more painful.. pls wen u mke such sacrifice come here n talk but clearly u dnt know ish bout wht ur proferring.

beinstein:

Very simple, the same reason the wife to the child's father rejected her.
You lots see everything wrong in Op's decision not to accept the child, but ignore the fact that her father's wife rejected her.
Is there any better hypocrisy than this?

were not even sure she rejected her. Mayb the guy isnt so buoyant n is envious the mum was doing fine. Dead beat

revolt:
why dont u go and adopt the child na....or arent u a good person...a christain.

Is that how you were adopted?

Jamean:


Is that how you were adopted?

no u can help the op naaw. Good samaritan.