thorpido:
Stop worrying so much about what they are saying or thinking of you.You have to develop a thick skin.There is more to come in marriage or else you will have them walk all over you.

Thank you. I would try, I just can’t help it. Imagine them having a family function, all of them together full house and I’m there... I used to be free before, imagine all eyes on me looking at me like violent wife, bad wife etc

I remember when the Mum spoke to me how she said she was shocked and disappointed in me, a young, pretty woman would push her husband and all.

LordKO:


E.g. you can go through his father, cry to him and pray him to help plead to him on your behalf - he'll call him while you're there crying, to his notice of course - to return home to you. Once more, it's an unwise thing to do, but it's a good thing that you understand the need to do it before taking the hard stance that will make or mar the union permanently.

I wish it was that easy. I don’t even have the liver or heart to even go to their house yet though as I’ve said I’ve spoken to the Mum twice already and she just told me to take of myself as he isn’t back that God will perfect everything etc

thorpido:
How did you meet and marry?Was it a long distance thing or match-making?I feel he really doesn't respect you or love you.

You have only one choice now.Get busy with yourself.Get into your works and take up hobbies to keep you busy.You will have to call his bluff and make yourself happy.Start to act like you really got things to do.It will cause him to wake up.
If he still doesn't seem to be forthcoming,one thing you will gain from this is to not having your husband treat you like a slave (guess he brought you abroad).

I wouldn’t say he didn’t love me or so... I mean he has done so much for me to prove himself and it wasn’t a match making thing, when he came to Naija to visit we met and in a year we were together almost every month spending a month, 3weeks etc

I think me acting like I don’t care isn’t going to help matters cos as I have said he is on the winning end both from my people and his and I was the one who pushed/ violence etc. And he has said me deciding to be quiet won’t help matters. I have to prove to him etc.

He didn’t bring me abroad. We got married and I moved. I schooled abroad and loved for a while before going back to Naija and I come from a very big, rich family soIm not suffering or so. We just got married and I moved.

I keep asking myself. Do i need to get married with all this bs we see online .

Sorry about that OP,

One of the disadvantages or even advantage of living abroad is that you must love your partner. Both of you MUST be close, because you get to spend a lot of time together unlike Nigeria where there are loads of things to do.

Do not be too hard on yourself. Arguments do happen and if couple love themselves, they will make up. Just keep calling him and tell him you miss him, that he is the king of your life, your home etc.

Tell him you wont ever shout back at him again. He will come home. If he still decides not to come after this ehn, then the problem is not you.

NB: When he returns, make sure you give him a hot session. Thank me later.

Sadgirl1281:


Thank you. I would try, I just can’t help it. Imagine them having a family function, all of them together full house and I’m there... I used to be free before, imagine all eyes on me looking at me like violent wife, bad wife etc

I remember when the Mum spoke to me how she said she was shocked and disappointed in me, a young, pretty woman would push her husband and all.

Can't you just stay away from functions for the time being? Why are you torturing yourself?

I wish you the best as you work to win him back.

Sadgirl1281:


If only it was as easy as you have written.

I admit I did wrong by touching/pushing him and I have apologized, even to his people... My dad even called from zinger is and apologized on my behalf.
To only did he call my people, he had reported to his own people before even calling my dad. So yes His whole family are aware not just his mum and dad but brother and sister and their respective partners I.e husband and wife

He isn’t ignoring my calls. We speak and talk. He said he even feels bad leaving me all alone st home especially when I have no one here but he has to do to this. I have to prove to him why he should come back home now. I have to work it out. And if I decide to give him space and not do anything, then it shows I’m not willing to work this marriage.

My dad has even told me to be humble and even play the fool but I haven’t even told my dad he’s yet to be back home.

Someone else was telling me maybe what he means is for to be showing affection from here.

I just don’t know.

If I continue this way, u may just give yourself heartache ,, u don't need to make excuse for him, so does it mean for every offense he leaves home ,he is also wrong to do that.2 wrongs don't make one right.
He knows he's punishing you by staying away and you are justifying it, then i personally don't think it should be that way.u re meant to be in this together,no apart.

But it's up to you tho, advice will be given but the ultimate choice is urs..

ednut1:
I keep asking myself. Do i need to get married with all this bs we see online .

Just pray for a good partner and be a good one yourself. Commit, Compromise, Love, tolerate, Forgive etc

Rizzoli:


If I continue this way, u may just give yourself heartache ,, u don't need to make excuse for him, so does it mean for every offense he leaves home ,he is also wrong to do that.2 wrongs don't make one right.
He knows he's punishing you by staying away and you are justifying it, then i personally don't think it should be that way.u re meant to be in this together,no apart.

But it's up to you tho, advice will be given but the ultimate choice is urs..

I’m not justifying his actions at all. Just doing my own part.

Sadgirl1281:


I’m not justifying his actions at all. Just doing my own part.

Its okay, just be strong and u will get thru it. Somewhere in ur heart lies the right decision ,u just take your time and make it right

Wishing u the best

,,

megastu:
Sorry about that OP,

One of the disadvantages or even advantage of living abroad is that you must love your partner. Both of you MUST be close, because you get to spend a lot of time together unlike Nigeria where there are loads of things to do.

Do not be too hard on yourself. Arguments do happen and if couple love themselves, they will make up. Just keep calling him and tell him you miss him, that he is the king of your life, your home etc.

Tell him you wont ever shout back at him again. He will come home. If he still decides not to come after this ehn, then the problem is not you.

NB: When he returns, make sure you give him a hot session. Thank me later.

Exactly you got it. If I was in Naija, a lot to occupy my mind but here and not just because it’s abroad but I really don’t know or have anyone here.

Sadgirl1281:
Good day everyone,

I feel all alone and not heard, more like the whole world against me, hence me coming on here to see th best way I could seek any advice.

I’ll do my best to be very brief and concise and go straight to the point.

You have a good job, independent and everything, you meet the love of your life, boom date and get married and travel out of the country to start your lives. Of course you would resign and leave your comfort zone. In other words that’s what I did of course and traveled.

As I said to go straight to the point. Got married early this year and as usual the first year marriage woes, arguments and misunderstandings but nothing out of the extra ordinary.

Hubby and I had a misunderstanding this faithful day and while he’s not violent, He knows how to spit venom from his mouth. His words would pierce your soul or any deeper than his soul. Words were exchanged on both sides and he said things I had told him in confidence, my weakness and threw it on me and I reacted physically by pushing him. We didn’t talk for 2 days and and then the next day he left the house in the morning.. I went out hours later only for my dad to call me in the night from Nigeria to mention my husband had called him and told him everything how I pushed him, he’s left the house to go somewhere etc... And not only that he told all his family members. I felt so hurt being that I do not have anyone here and because he has his own family.

Issue now is we have talked including our parents etc. but he said he’s not going to come back to the house now until I assure him and work for it. I have to prove to him why he should come back home.

I would like to ask for suggestions, while aim very hurt and in shame, I can’t express it as my pushing has overshadowed everything. He even told his folks our other petty fights and the words I’ve said to him etc They have said I am the woman and the one who did the violence so I have no choice.

This is the best I could summarize so I left a whole lot of details but what am I supposed to do to make him come back home?

Hmmmm.... its very normal for couples to run into arguments/quarrels etc BUT the concept of maturity must never be left out of the equation.

And yes, you pushed him, so what? Did he bang his head on sharp knife? What about the emotional/verbal abuse he spewed out of his mouth? That's provocation if you ask me and please don't even think I'm trying to give excuses for you but I want you to see things from an outsider point of view.

I am happily married and yes, myself and my wife do have heated arguments. She gets me mad and sometimes I shout but trust me, once those seconds are over, I make sure we pray together; get up early and help her heat up water for her bath, etc.

But the aspect of him reporting you to either his/your family is a f.ucking no no! When u guys wanted to get intimate back then, did he ask for permission from his/your mum? So why in heavens name would he do that?

Cos even when the matter dies down in yours/his heart/mind, trust me, it will never be forgotten by those he told.

Your husband made a terrible mistake and I can confidently say he is not mature one bit.

And to make matters worse, he moved out of the house?? Ohh lawd! Where did you get involved with a child?

See, i'm not gonna feed u any depressants or pet you cos chloroquine tastes bitter but cures malaria; hence, i'll tell u the bitter truth:

Leave Him Alone! He needs to grow his tail.

See, I have a lady who happens to be an inlaw to me and also, married to someone like your husband. He has also packed out of the house and left the wife alone. This is to tell you this stuff isn't new to me.

He needs to be left alone to grow his tail so allow him to spend as much time as he can. You are the one who is in love with him and he isn't reciprocating the love you have for him.

Find something doing to keep your mind busy.

You have apologized and done all you can. What else does he want? Biko, live your life, ok? I may sound hard but trust me, some people won't get their grind until nobody pets them.

Sadgirl1281:


I know and admit.i have already apologized and pleaded and all. He said he has heard me but I have to prove to him and work for for it to make him come back home. I don’t know if it’s by showing more affection... he said I have to figure out what to do from here without him being with me.

the push, to what extent was it done

Did he fall down ,injure himself or just stagger.

BTW. I don't condone violence in any form but I just want to form an opinion
also this particular fight has very little to do with you leaving your job to marry him. Except those wear part of the things he used in taunting you.

There isn't much that you can do apart from what you've already done. As you have said he uses your weaknesses and secrets against you and gossips about them with his family. That is a distasteful trait for a man to have

He seems like one with a huge ego

Sadgirl1281:


I know and admit.i have already apologized and pleaded and all. He said he has heard me but I have to prove to him and work for for it to make him come back home. I don’t know if it’s by showing more affection... he said I have to figure out what to do from here without him being with me.

look madame, the most important thing is that.

(1) You recognized your mistake
(2) You apologized
(3) You want move on & be a better wife

Just have it in mind that anyone who wants you to do more after a sincere apology & a sober heart have other reasons for keeping away from you [ please investigate him well ].

Time is always a factor in healing, he will get over it with time. Just show him more affection for now, do your best & leave the rest for God.

To tell u the truth, ur husband is very manipulative. U both abused each other, be it verbally or physically. For him to cling on that u were physical is him just trying to be smart and turn the table on u. U have apologize which is great and i would expect him to do same. Also, do not pretend to be who u are not. Just promise him that it'll never happen again and u would like him to come home so u both can start afresh. Thats all u can do.

To tell u the truth ur husband is so immature to have wash u guys dirty linens in public, yes his family and urs is public and shouldn't know everything going on in ur home.

NB don't succumb to silly manipulations, be urself. He must be a mommy's boy to think he's one little king whom u have to proof a point to.

henmaris:
To tell u the truth, ur husband is very manipulative. U both abused each other, be it verbally or physically. For him to cling on that u were physical is him just trying to be smart and turn the table on u. U have apologize which is great and i would expect him to do same. Also, do not pretend to be who u are not. Just promise him that it'll never happen again and u would like him to come home so u both can start afresh. Thats all u can do.

To tell u the truth ur husband is so immature to have wash u guys dirty linens in public, yes his family and urs is public and shouldn't know everything going on in ur home.

NB don't succumb to silly manipulations, be urself. He must be a mommy's boy to think he's one little king whom u have to proof a point to.

To be honest, I’m still in shock how this was exposed to the whole world and not just him telling them I was physical, I remember the Mum telling me he also told her I used to call him momma’s boy, told him that’s why he wasn’t married early etc.. that is adding fire but didn’t say the words he said to me. As we stand now, it’s his words against mine... No one has heard mine because as it is It’s my fault, I pushed and I have to bring him back...

cruchenutii:


look madame, the most important thing is that.

(1) You recognized your mistake
(2) You apologized
(3) You want move on & be a better wife

Just have it in mind that anyone who wants you to do more after a sincere apology & a sober heart have other reasons for keeping away from you [ please investigate him well ].

Time is always a factor in healing, he will get over it with time. Just show him more affection for now, do your best & leave the rest for God.

That’s what I’ve been doing for now even though to be honest, it’s so hard.. someone that would disgrace you like this to the public, you are expected to still be messaging saying how much you love him, miss him, calling him etc.... Very hard but I have no choice.

generationz:


the push, to what extent was it done

Did he fall down ,injure himself or just stagger.

BTW. I don't condone violence in any form but I just want to form an opinion
also this particular fight has very little to do with you leaving your job to marry him. Except those wear part of the things he used in taunting you.

There isn't much that you can do apart from what you've already done. As you have said he uses your weaknesses and secrets against you and gossips about them with his family. That is a distasteful trait for a man to have

He seems like one with a huge ego

He said when I pushed him, he fell back, his elbow is still hurting him, he even has a mark etc that what if there was a sharp object. He had pushed me back and I hit my nose which bled. He mentioned what if as he pushed me back and I had hit my head etc.

Not that he gossips about my secrets and weaknesses to his family but anytime we do have a fight or argument, he brings them out and uses them to insult me...

Sadgirl1281:


That’s what I’ve been doing for now even though to be honest, it’s so hard.. someone that would disgrace you like this to the public, you are expected to still be messaging saying how much you love him, miss him, calling him etc.... Very hard but I have no choice.

As I've said before, do your best & leave the rest for God. Trust me, nobody will tell when to stop, One day you'll just get fed up & then when he notices he will come back apologising, I can bet that this would happen, he will realise that he has overdone it.

bigl:


Hmmmm.... its very normal for couples to run into arguments/quarrels etc BUT the concept of maturity must never be left out of the equation.

And yes, you pushed him, so what? Did he bang his head on sharp knife? What about the emotional/verbal abuse he spewed out of his mouth? That's provocation if you ask me and please don't even think I'm trying to give excuses for you but I want you to see things from an outsider point of view.

I am happily married and yes, myself and my wife do have heated arguments. She gets me mad and sometimes I shout but trust me, once those seconds are over, I make sure we pray together; get up early and help her heat up water for her bath, etc.

But the aspect of him reporting you to either his/your family is a f.ucking no no! When u guys wanted to get intimate back then, did he ask for permission from his/your mum? So why in heavens name would he do that?

Cos even when the matter dies down in yours/his heart/mind, trust me, it will never be forgotten by those he told.

Your husband made a terrible mistake and I can confidently say he is not mature one bit.

And to make matters worse, he moved out of the house?? Ohh lawd! Where did you get involved with a child?

See, i'm not gonna feed u any depressants or pet you cos chloroquine tastes bitter but cures malaria; hence, i'll tell u the bitter truth:

Leave Him Alone! He needs to grow his tail.

See, I have a lady who happens to be an inlaw to me and also, married to someone like your husband. He has also packed out of the house and left the wife alone. This is to tell you this stuff isn't new to me.

He needs to be left alone to grow his tail so allow him to spend as much time as he can. You are the one who is in love with him and he isn't reciprocating the love you have for him.

Find something doing to keep your mind busy.

You have apologized and done all you can. What else does he want? Biko, live your life, ok? I may sound hard but trust me, some people won't get their grind until nobody pets them.

That’s the other part killing me and eating my soul, that even after we make up, how and which face would I be using to be visiting his family members? Am I going to ever be comfortable and it is a forever thing now.

As much as I tell myself to ignore and just let him be, all eyes are on me which makes it difficult. The other time the Mum called me, she said I had not called my husband when I didn’t see him home, she was like wow, did I just stay comfortable so I had to explain to her I did call but he didn’t pick, the first time he moved out of the house.

Secondly he had said when we spoke, that if I feel ignoring him and letting him would mend things that I am wrong.. That I have to prove to him and show him why he should come back home.

Sadgirl1281:


He said when I pushed him, he fell back, his elbow is still hurting him, he even has a mark etc that what if there was a sharp object. He had pushed me back and I hit my nose which bled. He mentioned what if as he pushed me back and I had hit my head etc.

Not that he gossips about my secrets and weaknesses to his family but anytime we do have a fight or argument, he brings them out and uses them to insult me...

wait did he push you ?

generationz:


wait did he push you ?

Yes when I pushed he reacted and threw me to be the bed.

Sadgirl1281:



That’s the other part killing me and eating my soul, that even after we make up, how and which face would I be using to be visiting his family members? Am I going to ever be comfortable and it is a forever thing now.

As much as I tell myself to ignore and just let him be, all eyes are on me which makes it difficult. The other time the Mum called me, she said I had not called my husband when I didn’t see him home, she was like wow, did I just stay comfortable so I had to explain to her I did call but he didn’t pick, the first time he moved out of the house.

Secondly he had said when we spoke, that if I feel ignoring him and letting him would mend things that I am wrong.. That I have to prove to him and show him why he should come back home.

You have to learn to live irrespective of what people think/say about you.

And don't allow this lil things to eat you up. You sound like an introvert. You know, someone extremely introverted and that's probably your weakness which your hubby is capitalizing on.

Even if you didn't have a fight with your hubby, your inlaws might still work against you. Its one of those things.

Your hubby and mother inlaw are playing a game and you have to learn to be a grandmaster.

She knows it is not right for your husband/her son to pack out of the house and instead of correcting that, they are simply making you feel bad for everything.

You are a couple and its just 2 of you or did you get married to more than one man on your wedding day? Or married to his fam?

See, keep your fingers crossed and let everyone run their mouth. After a while, they will get so busy fighting their own demons that won't even have time for you.

As per your hubby saying you have to work to make him come back home, he is seriously sleeping on okada if that's what he is waiting for.

Next time he tells you that, ask him politely "what exactly do you want me to work on so you can come back?" "Pls tell me cos i'm willing to work so you can come back".

I'm sure he will dodge the question.

Relax jare. He is simply a spoilt kid who grew up being begged even when he did something wrong.

My aunt got married to such man who ended up killing her in 2014. He died too 2017 and guess what? Left their untrained children doing as they like.

Don't end up that way ok? Don't let these things eat your soul and cause you to be depressed.

Sadgirl1281:


Yes when I pushed he reacted and threw me to be the bed.

You see?


And he's still being manipulative?

He's only acting this funny because he has his family there who of course, would support him...


But then, I'd suggest you give yourself brain and let him be...

Sadgirl1281:


Yes when I pushed he reacted and threw me to be the bed.

then he was also violent.
he is also emotionally abusive


he has a lot of work to do on himself likewise

do whatever is necessary to have your marriage back.

But take prayers seriously . pray that the holyspirit gives him wisdom to be the head of the family. Its not easy being a woman in Africa.

generationz:

then he was also violent.
he is also emotionally abusive


he has a lot of work to do on himself likewise

do whatever is necessary to have your marriage back.

But take prayers seriously . pray that the holyspirit gives him wisdom to be the head of the family. Its not easy being a woman in Africa.

Thank you so much for your advice especially the prayer part. I would do my best. As you said being a woman is not easy. No one know he pushed me or such, what stands is I pushed even if he did, it was his response to mine etc.

Mznaett:



You see?


And he's still being manipulative?

He's only acting this funny because he has his family there who of course, would support him...


But then, I'd suggest you give yourself brain and let him be...

Exactly the fact, his whole family and even mine are right behind me. Even when we spoke today, he was saying if he didn’t care etc he would have listened to what people have been saying that he shouldn’t come back, he should stay apart for some time etc.... My anger to these even though I can’t pin point who said what, if they are married at least all his family members are, are they saying 5eir marriage has been so sweet and all?

bigl:


You have to learn to live irrespective of what people think/say about you.

And don't allow this lil things to eat you up. You sound like an introvert. You know, someone extremely introverted and that's probably your weakness which your hubby is capitalizing on.

Even if you didn't have a fight with your hubby, your inlaws might still work against you. Its one of those things.

Your hubby and mother inlaw are playing a game and you have to learn to be a grandmaster.

She knows it is not right for your husband/her son to pack out of the house and instead of correcting that, they are simply making you feel bad for everything.

You are a couple and its just 2 of you or did you get married to more than one man on your wedding day? Or married to his fam?

See, keep your fingers crossed and let everyone run their mouth. After a while, they will get so busy fighting their own demons that won't even have time for you.

As per your hubby saying you have to work to make him come back home, he is seriously sleeping on okada if that's what he is waiting for.

Next time he tells you that, ask him politely "what exactly do you want me to work on so you can come back?" "Pls tell me cos i'm willing to work so you can come back".

I'm sure he will dodge the question.

Relax jare. He is simply a spoilt kid who grew up being begged even when he did something wrong.

My aunt got married to such man who ended up killing her in 2014. He died too 2017 and guess what? Left their untrained children doing as they like.

Don't end up that way ok? Don't let these things eat your soul and cause you to be depressed.

Yeah but that’s going to be the very hard part not just him coming home. It is not just going to be easy recovering and being amongst his people. Remember I am the woman here, married into his own family in which all of them are even located here so any family function or activities, I would have to be or mostly there so I can’t really escape. Would I be frowning when I get there or what? It’s hard.

Also I’m not an introvert, the difference is just I’m not in my comfort zone. I just moved here after getting married, family isn’t here, have t started working so a whole lot to settle in here.

We spoke again today and he said he’s now convinced that I am truly remorseful and all that.. that it is now his own part to get past the hurt, that aside the pushing, the fact I insulted him back by saying at his old age, he didn’t marry early or that’s why he didn’t marry early which was a response to the hurtful words he said he said to me. He said that even though he said hurtful words to me, should I have responded?

The only part I may need help or let me not say help but God should help me is just the after,ath. Facing everyone.

Sadgirl1281:



That’s the other part killing me and eating my soul, that even after we make up, how and which face would I be using to be visiting his family members? Am I going to ever be comfortable and it is a forever thing now.

As much as I tell myself to ignore and just let him be, all eyes are on me which makes it difficult. The other time the Mum called me, she said I had not called my husband when I didn’t see him home, she was like wow, did I just stay comfortable so I had to explain to her I did call but he didn’t pick, the first time he moved out of the house.

Secondly he had said when we spoke, that if I feel ignoring him and letting him would mend things that I am wrong.. That I have to prove to him and show him why he should come back home.

You married a child.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Sadgirl1281:


Yeah but that’s going to be the very hard part not just him coming home. It is not just going to be easy recovering and being amongst his people. Remember I am the woman here, married into his own family in which all of them are even located here so any family function or activities, I would have to be or mostly there so I can’t really escape. Would I be frowning when I get there or what? It’s hard.

Also I’m not an introvert, the difference is just I’m not in my comfort zone. I just moved here after getting married, family isn’t here, have t started working so a whole lot to settle in here.

We spoke again today and he said he’s now convinced that I am truly remorseful and all that.. that it is now his own part to get past the hurt, that aside the pushing, the fact I insulted him back by saying at his old age, he didn’t marry early or that’s why he didn’t marry early which was a response to the hurtful words he said he said to me.He said that even though he said hurtful words to me, should I have responded?

The only part I may need help or let me not say help but God should help me is just the after,ath. Facing everyone.

See talk!
I hope you reconcile and he comes back but the bolded says a lot.
Your husband is emotionally abusive and wants to have his way.It's something you will have to disallow going forward.