ClassicQueen:
Thanks for your honest advice ma. My mum in law have been with me since I delivered and when she was leaving, I told her she was welcome anytime she wish to visit again. Same with the others too they can only visit and go I don't want unnecessary issues in my home in the name of doing good.

Wilfredpat22:
We women are really wicked honestly. What is wrong in helping your fellow woman out with her own kids and treating her child as her own. Your own child someone will do the same. I am sure you are Igbo, most igbo women are selfish and think about themselves.

When your husband faces small tribulation, it is still the same you that will go out and open your legs wide for every Dick, Tom and Harry.

ClassicQueen:
Please all I need an advice concerning an issue in my home . I and my husband have been married for just a year plus and not up to 2years. I have a 2Months old baby. Before I had the baby that is immediately after our wedding, hubby told me about how he intended bringing in his elder brothers daughter of 11 to live with us and I declined. The reason I didnt allow it is because both of her parents are still alive ....The mother knew their condition and how they are managing and she gave birth to 5 children this family live in just one room in Lagos. The woman is not working while the man is managing a small laundry business which is not even thriving.

The issue I have now is that hubby is pleading with me to please bring the girl to help me baby sit my child while he will be responsible for her school fees. my maternity leave will soon be over and I need someone to help abit but not the girl because I don't want anyone to take my kind heart for granted and tell me that I'm maltreating the child or using her as a nanny . You know how people especially in laws behave that is why I'm still sceptical about it. Please my people what do u advise I do? Bearing in mind that our marriage is not even up to 2years we are still getting to know each other with my husband. Please advice...

Sorry for any typo error

mrblessed:
I find it shocking and unbelievable that the mother of a two months old baby has perfected a plan on how to maltreat and frustrate the daughter of another woman. Call it whatever you like, you are guilty of premeditated violence, and what you need to get to work is the arrival of the girl. Someone asked whether you would have hold such baleful and crude notions about the girl and her family if they are your relatives?

Wilfredpat22:
We women are really wicked honestly. What is wrong in helping your fellow woman out with her own kids and treating her child as her own. Your own child someone will do the same. I am sure you are Igbo, most igbo women are selfish and think about themselves.

When your husband faces small tribulation, it is still the same you that will go out and open your legs wide for every Dick, Tom and Harry.

Meringe:

I think differently from what others here have posted. 11 years old girl can back a baby very comfortable and help with with little house chores.
If you are a good person and a positive person at that, you wouldn't be thinking this way but you seems very difficult. See, no matter how bad people are or unappreciative they might be, it can never stop a 'giver' from giving .
Take this girl in and train her like your own child and she will in turn train your child. Unless you have observed that the girl is not a good girl, then you can be justified.

Meringe:

I think differently from what others here have posted. 11 years old girl can back a baby very comfortable and help with with little house chores.
If you are a good person and a positive person at that, you wouldn't be thinking this way but you seems very difficult. See, no matter how bad people are or unappreciative they might be, it can never stop a 'giver' from giving .
Take this girl in and train her like your own child and she will in turn train your child. Unless you have observed that the girl is not a good girl, then you can be justified.

Wilfredpat22:
We women are really wicked honestly. What is wrong in helping your fellow woman out with her own kids and treating her child as her own. Your own child someone will do the same. I am sure you are Igbo, most igbo women are selfish and think about themselves.

When your husband faces small tribulation, it is still the same you that will go out and open your legs wide for every Dick, Tom and Harry.

ImaIma1:
Op i do not even agree with you sending money to the mum to start a business or whatever. She might end up depending so much on the business to care for the kids and still coming back to ask for school fees.

I say that because i know a woman with 3 sons and another one on the way, who started a business but is still not able to sustain it because she eats into more than the profit.

Please find out about the girl's school fees and make arrangements with your husband to pay the fees directly to the school to avoid the funds being diverted.

ImaIma1:


Calm down na!!

The owners of the child are responsible for their child and are in the best position to care for her but instead they have decided to keep having kids that they cannot take care off and trying to inconvenience someone else all in the name of helping.

OP should make arrangements with her hubby to pay school fees directly to the school for the girl while she stays with her parents.

When they share the children they have reared, they will make more babies since they can easily look for who to burden and send the children to for care taking.

cococandy:
Your brain is obviously located in your anus

Onye apari

Pearl05:
There is nothing wrong in 11yrs old staying with another family.


It depends on how she is being treated. Assuming you have a girl of 9 yrs as daughter and also have 2 younger kids, won't the 9 yrs be able to look after her younger ones while you are out?

Can't she sweep the floor, wash plates, play with her siblings, separate fight, wash their lunch box, socks, or even run all errands such as to buy something across the street?


Does doing all these makes the 9 yrs old a help in the her father's house? I think these and more are part of training the child.


Now we have 11yrs in question. Please if your instincts is against taking her in, then don't but she will be helpful to you when you treat her like your child . Enroll her in the same sch your kids will attend.

cococandy:
Why should she do that?

So easy for you people to say someone should take another person’s child and raise as their own.

How many people’s children are you raising? Or you don’t know know anyone in this world who needs help raising one of their extra kids

cococandy:
Why should she do that?

So easy for you people to say someone should take another person’s child and raise as their own.

How many people’s children are you raising? Or you don’t know know anyone in this world who needs help raising one of their extra kids

mrblessed:
The job of attorney perfectly fits you very well. Someone asked the Op a question that emanated from her unguarded and needless comments, which she couldn't answer: that if the table is reserved, would hold such opinion about her relatives that are surviving? Nobody has the power to force her to do what she doesn't want, but we should be alert when implausible narrative is employed to justify what is wrong. I am being caution to "calm down" while your vindicating defence ignores the stereotype which compels the Op to profile her husband's relatives she barely knows. I am not surprised you fail to mildly chastise the Op, while pointing out many options available to Op. Maybe it is one of the ways of defending the womenfolk.

cococandy:
She doesn’t even owe them school fees. People are so fvcking entitled. it pisses me off

Acidosis:


It's so funny how we judge people before we even get to know/meet them.

According to you, you and your hubby are still getting to know each other, so how come you've already known a far away in-law, a young and innocent kid you haven't even met and the possible outcome of your hubby's request?

This is one of the things I so much dislike about marriages. Most women these days just go into marriage with an already-made mindset about in-laws. These stereotypical mindset is passed down from their grandmom to their moms and now to them. There is no greater form of witchcraft than this nonsensical mindset.

ClassicQueen:
Thanks ma'am

ClassicQueen:
Thanks ma'am

ImaIma1:


Firstly, i will ignore the cheeky comment.

Whether relative or inlaw, i do not subscribe to people sending off their children especially underage for other people to look after them. The parents are trying to shift responsibility to someone else who has her own responsibility.

And when it is an inlaw, it is more complicated because she will be put in a difficult position.

Op has a right to refuse. Taking in another person's child should be a choice and not something that should be imposed on her because someone somewhere feels entitled.

Meringe:



I have a life outside here. I don't need to tell you my life.


I know your kind will quote me but be rest assured that life is not just about you alone. It's not just about your immediate family. You do your best to accommodate others unless the person(girl) does not deserve it. You actually can't say if she will be the one to accommodate you or your kids tomorrow.

@op, bring in the little girl and make her your family.

Clarathomp:


Dear Acidosis,

You judge us (women) too harshly. I think our life experiences tend to shape our thoughts, feelings and default reactions to things. For example I grew up in a family where my father's people (i.e. my mother's in-laws) were hardly ever helpful around the house. They were only good at taking, taking and taking never giving back anything good in return. They would visit empty handed and still look for what they could take away while some of their children were already living with us and being catered for by my dad. Both their parents being alive in our case too.

My mom's people on the other hand were the sweetest, they weren't so well to do but they would visit with the little they could afford like a bag of garri, oranges or whatever food stuff was in season at that time in the village. In addition to that, they would help around the house with chores and generally be so awesome that when it was time for them to leave, we felt bad.

Please stay with me because I'm going somewhere with this. My father's people were the sort of guests you wished wouldn't visit because of their selfish & entitled attitude. They were the sort of guests you tolerated and were eager for them to leave whereas my mother's people were the sort of guests you celebrated and didn't want to see them go anytime soon.

Growing up I have seen my own family life & history, repeat itself and play out in most families/homes. One thing has become clear to me. A man's family/people tend to have little or no regard for his wife and his household even though they keep claiming brotherhood with him. A man's people also come in with this mentality & attitude, that this is my brother's house so the tendency to behave poorly triples.

Now a woman's family/people on the other hand are mindful of the fact that even though this is my sister's house I need to be respectful of her spouse and household and they conduct themselves appropriately in a way that is ten times better than a man's family would do. There are rare exceptions though where a woman's family/people can be the troublesome in-laws......but from personal experience the issues often come from a man's people.

Based on my own personal experience as a child and young adult (whilst growing up in my parents house) I mentally cringe and hesitate at the thought of having my man's people live with us in marriage. Mind you, I am still single and not even in a serious dating relationship, but the thought of that happening causes me to be mentally stressed because of my childhood experience with my father's folks. Those people were like ticks (that insect that sucks the blood out of dogs and then falls off when it is full), this is a statement of fact not a case of me bad mouthing my father's people. Guess what, my mother didn't even try to pollute my mind against them, they did that all by themselves through their deeds.

That is why I began by saying you've judged us too harshly and people's life experiences tend to shape and inform their thought processes. Having a man's relatives live with his family hardly ever goes well and I still don't understand why you men want to insist on this, even when some of you grew up in the sort of scenario I described above and know the cons of such an arrangement.