Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

One man's meat is another man's poison.
If you know how many men are looking for a reserved homely wife like that you will thank God for many blessings.

It is your duty to explain to them she's the shy type so they can meet her half way.

Bros she can’t even meet my family or friends, she will start misbehaving and panicking as if somebody wants to kill her. This is not normal na and I’ve tried to be patient with her, but her shyness is taking over her. I want someone who will represent me well and someone who will be a good mother to my kids.

ValCon888:
One man's meat is another man's poison.
If you know how many men are looking for a reserved homely wife like that you will thank God for many blessings.

It is your duty to explain to them she's the shy type so they can meet her half way.

What men really want can't be fully discussed in the next century. When I say men I mean every human creation

She sounds exactly like me.

ginaolo:
Bros she can’t even meet my family or friends, she will start misbehaving and panicking as if somebody wants to kill her. This is not normal na and I’ve tried to be patient with her, but her shyness is taking over her. I want someone who will represent me well and someone who will be a good mother to my kids.

This is the time you have to show more patience and affection. Be a calming influence to her. Your attitude may heap more pressure on her and make her panic even more. If she has these social anxieties, how then did you meet her?
BTW, her social anxiety does not mean she's not competent or capable of being a good mother. That girl needs your love, enduring patience and support.

I met her randomly on the road it wasn’t in a social setting. But how do I deal with her not wanting to meet family and friends? It’s disrespectful to me. As a wife you have to be open to meet my family atleast, when they are always asking about her, I can’t keep on making excuses for her na. People think there’s something wrong with my gf even though I’ve told them she is the shy type.

ValCon888:

This is the time you have to show more patience and affection. Be a calming influence to her. Your attitude may heap more pressure on her and make her panic even more. If she has these social anxieties, how then did you meet her?
BTW, her social anxiety does not mean she's not competent or capable of being a good mother. That girl needs your love, enduring patience and support.

This one is strong




. what's she afraid of?

Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

If you cant stand the heat, get out of the kitchen...thats her nature - i guess its part of what attracted her to you in the first place so please let her be.

If you can't defend and support her, please leave her alone!

I understand your plight on the long run, but you must be willing to do the above to sustain your family.

Truly, men are confused, some people are looking for her type, while some get her on a platter of gold but are not contented.

michlins:
What men really want can't be fully discussed in the next century. When I say men I mean every human creation

Truly ooo

Please, kindly release her and allow her find someone who is comfortable with her nature and character. Dont expect any change after getting married. She has shown you her cards, its left for you to decide to stay or leave. If you decide to marry her, please don't complain about her not going out and socialising o.
She was on her own jeje, before you decided to date her, and marry her o.

ginaolo:
I met her randomly on the road it wasn’t in a social setting. But how do I deal with her not wanting to meet family and friends It’s disrespectful to me. As a wife you have to be open to meet my family atleast, when they are always asking about her, I can’t keep on making excuses for her na. People think there’s something wrong with my gf even though I’ve told them she is the shy type.

This isn’t about you, social anxiety is real and if you can’t understand that and support her then you need to leave her alone so she can meet someone that loves her, not selfish and patient enough to help her overcome/manage her anxiety. Since she doesn’t fit the idea of a trophy wife you want, you need to break up with her and do it quickly.

All I’m trying to say is too much of everything is bad. I want her to loosen up a little, because her nature is worrying

Dande55:
Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

Your the problem at this point and not your future bride.

As men we must not forget our duties are not only to provide financially, but as men and leaders we must constantly remind ourselves that our wives or wives-to-be need other things from men apart from money and the occasional "I love you's" plus the activities that come with it.

Emotional security, Stability, Congruence and Support (not financial) are important virtues. As men it is in our benefit that we nurture or at least attempt to attain all or many of these virtues.

If a child is scared of the dark, and still must pass through a dark room or corner to reach a destination; how would you encourage this child to do so?
If a woman you love, has mediocre culinary skills, how do you ensure the woman you love develops exceptional culinary skills?

Men should not recoil at a challenge because it has to many sharp bends, or because it seems like an insurmountable hurdle. For, is it not through our dogged determination we went from walking to flying, from huts to skyscrapers and from the cold hands of death to chloroquine.

I dare not say women have achieved nothing, because they have. However, I am talking to you - man to man, as such I must speak as a man!

When you go to family events do you stay close to her and hold her hands as you speak to people. You know when she is accustomed to your family members her phobia will subside.

And, when you go out with friends, do your friends come along with their wives or wives-to-be; if they do, why don't you find a way to get her well acquainted with these ladies?

You cannot plant corn and yet hope to harvest wheat. If you want corn, you plant corn, and if you want a more social wife you must plant that seed and nurture it until it grows. Whatever you desire in your soul, being or spirit (in the spiritual), you must use your hands to work for ; before it manifests in the physical.

OP she might grow out of the anxiety as time goes on and she gets used to your fam. You can as well try to combat the social anxiety together, there are books you can read and social exercises you can do that are very helpful

Wait, I'm looking for that thread where somebody was complaining his wife parties too much and never stays at home.

I'll update when I find it, if it's still here.

You people are insufferable.

ginaolo:
Bros she can’t even meet my family or friends, she will start misbehaving and panicking as if somebody wants to kill her. This is not normal na and I’ve tried to be patient with her, but her shyness is taking over her. I want someone who will represent me well and someone who will be a good mother to my kids.

She will be a good mother so get that out of the way.



Now on her shy nature, it can be overcome but you need to put in time, care, understanding and most importantly upgrade your tolerance level to 1000%.

Social anxiety does not evaporate overnight, it is a journey towards overcoming it and if you don't see yourself being patient in that direction, let the woman be and go look for someone else.

ginaolo:
I met her randomly on the road it wasn’t in a social setting. But how do I deal with her not wanting to meet family and friends? It’s disrespectful to me. As a wife you have to be open to meet my family atleast, when they are always asking about her, I can’t keep on making excuses for her na. People think there’s something wrong with my gf even though I’ve told them she is the shy type.

You are right that she needs to make more of an effort to break out of her shell and connect with your family but at the same time you need to support her. There is a lot of material online and in books about how to combat social anxiety

You are sounding like she is an inconvenience to you instead of being concerned about her wellbeing

You must have known she was shy before..how come you never tried to help her get out of her shell until it came to your own sister and family...

Your Gf is a female me, but probably older.
My advice is that you should leave her, someone who will cherish her even with all her weakness will come around and help her to overcome them.

Please leave her for us

Dump her now and look for who will go to all events including the ones you don't want her to go to

doitforyou:


This isn’t about you, social anxiety is real and if you can’t understand that and support her then you need to leave her alone so she can meet someone that loves her, not selfish and patient enough to help her overcome/manage her anxiety. Since she doesn’t fit the idea of a trophy wife you want, you need to break up with her and do it quickly.

Well said, and very pointed.

I’m being patient but until you are in my shoes you won’t understand. You don’t know the feeling of going to a place where everybody is with their gf and wives and I have to go alone because she wants to stay at home. People are constantly asking you where your gf is, and you have to make excuses all the time. It’s not fair, it’s weighing me down.

Pavore9:
Social anxiety does not evaporate overnight, it is a journey towards overcoming it and if you don't see yourself being patient in that direction, let the woman be and go look for someone else.

Op,
Please just leave her alone. Compatibility is very important. If she’s not willing to meet your family and friends then that is a big warning sign. Just let her go her own way. Every normal girl will be fighting their man to introduce them to family and friends because it shows that they are interested in commitment with the man. And that the man takes them seriously or wants to marry them. It also shows that they are willing to be part of his life and vice versa.

Please and please don’t marry anybody that will isolate you from your family and friends, except there is a good reason for it. Let her go and find a guy like her, who wants to be isolated. I am a family person, not so much friends. Anyone that did not make an effort to be comfortable around and even love my family was immediately cancelled. I had no interest in marrying anyone that will cause trouble with me and my family.

Now that you are unmarried, is the time to look well and figure out what you can live with. Don’t use sentiments and pity to marry. Once you are in it, we can only advice you how to make it work.

Talking can't change anything. It's more of a psychological something. Personally I feel uncomfortable around people I don't know or crowd. Anyways sha marry someone you can live with.

ginaolo:
I’m being patient but until you are in my shoes you won’t understand. You don’t know the feeling of going to a place where everybody is with their gf and wives and I have to go alone because she wants to stay at home. People are constantly asking you where your gf is, and you have to make excuses all the time. It’s not fair, it’s weighing me down.

You should have yoked yourself with someone who is as outgoing and social as you are.

By the way, I am not someone that goes to party everyday. In fact hubby is more social. But I don’t joke when it comes to family and mutual friends function. I show up, decked up and come out of my shell.

She can make the effort if she wants to, there are no extremes in life. If something is important to who you love as long as it does not compromise your health and safety, you will try to make them happy. Any extremist is a no-no in any situation. Run from extremists, they will destroy you.

How can someone be reluctant to meet your family and friends before marriage, is she mad? It’s even for her own good to see if she can belong to such a family or even marry you.

How will she feel if you refuse to meet her family members at all? If you act like her you won’t even meet them for introduction and you will never attend her family functions. Women can’t take that you know? Please and please flee from this woman. This one will not want to see anybody in your house. Trust me.

Because you can doesn’t mean anything. Social anxiety disorder occurs on a spectrum, you’re lucky you can handle some social activities. She didn’t refuse to meet his family, she has met them. She isn’t comfortable socializing with them every time. It is not an ideal situation and she’s not doing it on purpose. She needs help and patience managing it.

baby124:
By the way, I am not someone that goes to party everyday. In fact hubby is more social. But I don’t joke when it comes to family and mutual friends function. I show up, decked up and come out of my shell.

She can make the effort if she wants to, there are no extremes in life. If something is important to who you love as long as it does not compromise your health and safety, you will try to make them happy. Any extremist is a no-no in any situation. Run from extremists, they will destroy you.

How can someone be reluctant to meet your family and friends before marriage, is she mad? It’s even for her own good to see if she can belong to such a family or even marry you.

How will she feel if you refuse to meet her family members at all? If you act like her you won’t even meet them for introduction and you will never attend her family functions. Women can’t take that you know? Please and please flee from this woman. This one will not want to see anybody in your house. Trust me.