Hello house, good morning.

I have a real concern and I want to know what is permissible from mature and discerning individuals in the house.

Myself and my siblings were raised (from when I was about 8 years old) single handedly by my mum. Even all the 7 years that my father lived with us, my mum chiefly ran the home... she was the one who paid rent and school fees and ensured quality feeding. Father was gainfully employed at the time, but he just lacked a sense of responsibility for family. He finally absconded at about the time I was 8 because he lost his job, and never looked back... he was never involved in our finances or welfare. In all those years, he visited a few times, but that was all. My mum passed on a few years ago and her brother, my uncle, assumed FULL responsibility for my siblings and I. My paternal uncles never lent a helping hand.

Now I'm in my 20s, done with schooling, working currently, and would be getting married soon. I want to know what is permissible. I'm from a minority tribe in Edo State, so I'm not Bini or Esan. My maternal family are Okpe (Urhobos). Left to me, I don't want my father collecting my bride price or walking me down the aisle. He now lives in squalor in the village. I don't want to go to the village to do my traditional wedding if I can help it.

Two years ago when I first had plans of getting married, my maternal uncle who's responsible for us had mentioned that I shouldn't take any man to my dad. My maternal family is angry with him, for what he did to my mum and us. I would love to respect my Uncle's wishes because I feel he has a say, and to show my appreciation for all he's done.

Has it ever happened that a girl's maternal family receives her bride price? Is it a taboo? If that's against tradition, is it possible to choose another location other than the village, where my dad and his kinsmen can perform the traditional rites?

Also, on my church wedding day, can my Uncle walk me down the aisle?

N:B I don't hold any grudges against father. I've been the only one amongst all my siblings who's tried to keep in touch with him. I was the one who personally went to seek him out to know where he lives... and to know my village. Whenever I can afford to, I send him money.

Still, I don't feel he deserves to give my hand in marriage. He's never been a dad, in the true sense of the word. Something happened not so long ago, and he was threatening to curse my brothers... for not looking after him. He acts really entitled.

Candid advice, please. Thank you.

Regina Daniels father doesn't even know she get married.... so ur responsible Uncle dat train u can conveniently act as ur father during d occasion

With what have seen. Just like your case

My cousins did their traditionals in Lagos.mum and dad and not lagosian and they are separated, but they grew up in lagos. Where u do doesn't matter shit.

Anybody can walk you down the aisle.take a case of if your have a late dad.
You will go the aisle with your younger,elder brother, uncle , anybody u like in your family

see eh Urhobos men believes that mother are to train children while the father does what he likes with his life. that is why most of them marry up to 5 wives and still have lot of girlfriends with out taking care of their children.

to me who ever takes care of a child up to a marriageable age is entitle to collect the bride price

the choice is yours

Maternal family cannot take bride price where I'm from. Mustn't be your father though.

You mentioned two important things here.

Walking down the aisle and bride price collection.

Your maternal uncle can walk you down the aisle.

The bride price is for your father cum paternal family.(bride price and list is not much in Edo state,i guess you are owan or etsako or igarra?)

Also,marriage can take place anywhere,bring your father and few relatives(1or 2) to your location to perform the necessary rites then go back home.

In all these, you must plead with your maternal uncle to please allow your biological father collect his bride price and go. I always advice my fellow ladies not to offend any side of the family when getting married.

Hope u told ur fiance everything about ur family including de where about of ur dad..

I won't be surprise to see another thread from u concerning wot I already said..

Ur maternal uncle should run de affairs..it doesn't matter who collects de bride price....

Gurumaharaji:
Regina Daniels father doesn't even know she get married.... so ur responsible Uncle dat train u can conveniently act as ur father during d occasion

Hmmm. Regina Daniels... We don't really know the full story.

bujebudanu1:
With what have seen. Just like your case

My cousins did their traditionals in Lagos.mum and dad and not lagosian and they are separated, but they grew up in lagos. Where u do doesn't matter shit.

Anybody can walk you down the aisle.take a case of if your have a late dad.
You will go the aisle with your younger,elder brother, uncle , anybody u like in your family

Of course, I wouldn't be confused if he was late... but the situation now is that he's alive, so I'm wondering if it's against tradition to have someone else perform those rites.

But I get your point. Thanks a lot.

Redoil:
see eh Urhobos men believes that mother are to train children while the father does what he likes with his life. that is why most of them marry up to 5 wives and still have lot of girlfriends with out taking care of their children.

to me who ever takes care of a child up to a marriageable age is entitle to collect the bride price

Great. Thanks.

Born2Breed:
You mentioned two important things here.

Walking down the aisle and bride price collection.

Your maternal uncle can walk you down the aisle.

The bride price is for your father cum paternal family.(bride price and list is not much in Edo state,i guess you are owan or etsako or igarra?)

Also,marriage can take place anywhere,bring your father and few relatives(1or 2) to your location to perform the necessary rites then go back home.

In all these you must plead with your maternal uncle to please allow your biological father collect his bride price and go. I always advice my fellow ladies not to offend any side of the family when getting married.

OP kindly follow the above advise. This life is too short to leave trails of unnecessary wahala behind and excalate fires that we ought to put off with simple acts of love. Bible says honor your father and mother..... I'm sure you can complete the rest of the sentence.

AwkaetitiBabe:
Maternal family cannot take bride price where I'm from. Mustn't be your father though.

What state is that, please?

Born2Breed:
You mentioned two important things here.

Walking down the aisle and bride price collection.

Your maternal uncle can walk you down the aisle.

The bride price is for your father cum paternal family.(bride price and list is not much in Edo state,i guess you are owan or etsako or igarra?)

Also,marriage can take place anywhere,bring your father and few relatives(1or 2) to your location to perform the necessary rites then go back home.

In all these you must plead with your maternal uncle to please allow your biological father collect his bride price and go. I always advice my fellow ladies not to offend any side of the family when getting married.

This makes a lot of sense. Not Owan or Igarra... from Igbanke.

Thanks a lot for your contribution.

Pubichairs:
Hope u told ur fiance everything about ur family including de where about of ur dad..

I won't be surprise to see another thread from u concerning wot I already said..

Ur maternal uncle should run de affairs..it doesn't matter who collects de bride price....

@First statement, whenever I meet a potential suitor that I'm interested in, I make sure to tell him the family situation.

Thanks a lot for your input.

MedicH:
just kill the man already

God forbid that I wish death on any man.

How much is the bride price?
If it's 4 digits, let your old man have it.
If more than 5 digit, let your uncle have it.

No love lost

QuintessentialW:


What state is that, please?

Anambra

farady:


OP kindly follow the above advise. This life is too short to leave trails of unnecessary wahala behind and excalate fires that we ought to put off with simple acts of love. Bible says honor your father and mother..... I'm sure you can complete the rest of the sentence.

Yes, I think about that commandment oftentimes. But in all fairness, I've been really good to him inspite of everything. I've been the peacemaker trying to get my siblings to forgive him.

But for that marriage part, for some reasons, I just don't want to go to the village... nor do I want him walking me down the aisle.

I'll really consider born2breed's advice.


.

Aunty, your father is a sperm donor. He cannot reap where he didn't sow.

As Yondu told Star Lord- "He may be your father, but he sure ain't your daddy"

You don't have to go to the village. You can do your wedding anywhere in the world because states are mere geographical expressions. It is the people that make up the village, not vice versa.

It is good that you didn't abandon your father in his old age, and you have honoured him by seeking him out and making your peace with him as the scriptures commanded, but he is NOT entitled to any kind of special treatment or recognition because he gave up the right the day he turned his back on you and your family and passed his responsibilities to other people. Those other people are the ones who should be honoured on your special day.

Your father sounds absolutely like mine. Was a failure as a father, still remorseless and acts all entitled.

Get an uncle to act as a father during the whole wedding thingy. Also, to hell with his impotent curses.

QuintessentialW:


Yes, I think about that commandment oftentimes. But in all fairness, I've been really good to him inspite of everything. I've been the peacemaker trying to get my siblings to forgive him.

But for that marriage part, for some reasons, I just don't want to go to the village... nor do I want him walking me down the aisle.

I'll really consider born2breed's advice.


Lalasticlala, fynestboi, seun. Kindly help push to front page so I can get more contributions.

Marriages can be held anywhere, however give your father the bride price...no gain starting your family with malice from your dad.

Cut the marriage list stuff to the bearest minimum to make clear you don't appreciate your paternal family

QuintessentialW:


God forbid that I wish death on any man.

he abandoned u guys when u needed him most and now he's coming back to reap where he sowed nada but some sperm cells. i'm sure u will be thinking differently if you were mexican or colombian. I hate such men with deadly passion. My dad still give me money each time we meet and he has no idea how much i'm worth. you will be ok sha.

AwkaetitiBabe:
Anambra

Ohh. Igbos take these things more seriously.

[quote author=farady post=83925128]

It's good you get other contributions. It's also good to know you've been nice to your dad inspite despite everything. I totally agree with other contributors that say weddings can be held anywhere. In that case whilst your dad or your paternal side receives the bride price (note that it is the representative of both your paternal and maternal family that receives the items oh. It must not specifically be your dad. You can diplomatically work it out), any other person can walk you down the aisle during the church wedding. For the reception any how you choose to fill in the high table is entirely yours.

QuintessentialW:


Of course, I wouldn't be confused if he was late... but the situation now is that he's alive, so I'm wondering if it's against tradition to have someone else perform those rites.

But I get your point. Thanks a lot.

Regardless if your father was dead or alive, nothing concerns the mother's kin with bride price - there are no grey areas there.
Do not let your maternal uncles collect it, they can present any other list as required BUT they have no business with the bride-price itself.

Anybody can walk you down the aisle, even your own mother, younger brother, or uncle.

Ishilove:
Aunty, your father is a sperm donor. He cannot reap where he didn't sow.

As Yondu told Star Lord- "He may be your father, but he sure ain't your daddy"

You don't have to go to the village. You can do your wedding anywhere in the world because states are mere geographical expressions. It is the people that make up the village, not vice versa.

It is good that you didn't abandon your father in his old age, and you have honoured him by seeking him out and making your peace with him as the scriptures commanded, but he is NOT entitled to any kind of special treatment or recognition because he gave up the right the day he turned his back on you and your family and passed his responsibilities to other people. Those other people are the ones who should be honoured on your special day.

This gives me so much confidence on what I wish to do. Thanks so much, Ishilove.

Do what you like tradition was not there when bills needed to be paid . Who tradition help

Ur brothers if you have any can collect ur brideprice

Don't start what u can't finish. Ur future husband is looking at you. Today is lovey dovey, there must be arguments and heated up moments, some words will start tumbling out from your spouse or his people's mouth. Don't create such an avenue pls.

Though we may retract and apologise, those words means a lot and that is how seed of discord is sown.

Unless some tribes do so, I have never seen where pride price is collected by mum's people even though they singlehandedly trained you.
Give to everybody what belongs to them even though u don't like them to avoid stories that touch. At least u are in good terms with him and sometimes give him money so what's the problem here? Ur uncle didn't advice you well.
He is indeed a very selfish one and has failed to tell you the truth which is, he is not the right one to collect your dowry.
He too has entitlement mentality. Thousands and millions have been trained by uncles and aunts or even strangers yet, the world did not end.
U can do it outside the village but make sure your father and his people are there. Sorry but that's how it is.

If your father is dead, his brothers and relatives will take over on behalf of your brothers if they are not adults yet. Don't ever give your future in-laws room for attack as nobody knows tomorrow.
Congrats as u journey into another chapter of your life.

no matter how irresponsible your dad his. whether he take responsibility or responsible for your grow up. you most understand that their is family bloodline and concept to issues like marriage. if you're a religious person you should know that Satan has a right and you can't temper or hold what belong to Satan and expect him not to react.

bride price is not for your father both the eiders in the family. he's only role is agreement and acceptance by collecting and handle to the village elders and your village witches.

without this you are only inviting your village witches and Satan into your marriage. as the road is open for them already so they will come in through your father disagreement or not acknowledgment to it.


its one of the reasons why children from broken homes always encountered broken homes. because the foundation and doors are always open for Satan the devil.

also why many spiritual cautions people will not want to marry from a broken home. it always have the open doors for Satan.