₦airaland Forum

GraGra247:
I agree with you but most ladies always allow their emotions to drive them to "slavish" attachment once they meet a good looking successful man.

Take it from me there's no sensible advice anyone will give her here that she will eventually adhere to.

Once the man talks to her with sweet words she'll run back into his arms and waste another 10 years giving an idiot free sex without marriage.

Its called Soul-tie. Women enjoy it a lot. It like a chronic addiction, highly possessive. I already discussed it partially on this thread:

https://www.nairaland.com/5686294/true-love-fake-love

It has nothing to do with him being successful. I have other people more successful and ready to spend on me that I refused and haven't said yes to. I don't know what it is about him.

BLEMOSEDU:
There is this question that has always been on my mind about relationships between the sexes, why do Nigerian girls think once a man is in relationship with them it must lead to marriage?
And once the relationship starts they will start counting years etc.
Must it always lead to marriage?
Can't they just enjoy the moment?
With the way divorce has skyrocketed in recent times, one wonders why these relationships are always all about marriage for most ladies.
I'm just asking ni o
Before people crucify me.

When you grow up, U can ask your sisters.... U have someone close to you.

Ineedtoheal, I wish you are physically close to me so I can give you a very hot slap on the back. The kind Yoruba people call 'abara'.

I have no words for you because reading your post is just making me vexed. Stay there o. You will soon receive his wedding IV.

MSCHEEEEEEEEW.

To be honest, dating any man in that age group would come with many troubles. Ideally, a man of 35-40 years shouldn't be single. When you meet or fall in love with these men (which is what most women of these days prefer), you should be prepared to fight through. The solution is simple: fight through until he becomes yours through marriage (and be prepared to fight on to keep him)

The other solution is to quit. Get yourself another man and grow together. There are truly no 35-40 year old single men out there. They're always entangled with one or more women, one troublesome ex, etc etc. The decision is yours to make.

Wonders

Ineedtoheal:
Maybe I forgot to add this, he said its a spiritual thing. That it didn't start with me.

Spiritual or physical, still take your leave. You are wasting your precious time with him. If you do not leave now, trust me, in five years time, you would look back and wish u left earlier

Ineedtoheal:
Hi Famlanders, Please I need your advice. I beg you all to save a sister. I have to bring this here coz I know it's where I will get wonderful contributions. Again, I am using this new account coz I have friends and customers here. I don't want to blow my cover. Please this is real and not fiction. This will be quite lengthy, please bear with me.

I met this guy in 2013 when I was in year one. It was not a steady relationship coz we barely call nor see so I didn't take him serious. And whenever we see, it was always at one friends house or another. I accused him of being married but he vehemently denied it. Later on I figured out he had accommodation issue after he lost his job. He later rented a house when he got another job with one of our prestigious federal universities here in Nigeria and that was when things became serious (kinda).

We became very serious around 2016 that is why I count it as 5 years instead of 7. But then during one of my visits, I was sleeping in the room when I overheard him talking to someone but the only thing that caught my attention was when he said "I don't even have a girlfriend". Though I didn't confront him, but I thought about it deeply.

Two nights ago, I had a dream where he was getting married to another lady. I was crying while he was still saying he loves me but can't marry me. I confronted him yesterday, he said I am pressurizing him to marry me that was after he first asked what will happen if we don't end up together. He hasn't told me where the relationship is leading to after 5 years. We have been living for the moment. Just for the moment!

Few info about the relationship
1) He will be 40 this November while I am 27.
2. He has always had numerous girlfriends that when he's with them, he doesn't pick my calls though he always apologizes and he's trying his best this year.

3. He always send pictures of other women to his friends to let them know they are the people he wish to marry but never has he sent mine. Though he claims he's not doing it again.

4. From the look of things he's still searching while he wants to have me all to himself. Maybe a second option since the others are not accepting him and I love him foolishly.

5. The relationship is 50 -50 .We spend on each other. He believes it's the woman's duty to do all the house chores but not the man's duty to take care of the woman.

6. On his Fathers burial last year, 3 of his girlfriends came (me inclusive) and we all wore the burial uniform. Together, we served his guests even when we realized we are dating same man. His neighbors were giggling and gossiping but we all decided to be matured and work together.

7. When my sister that raised me died, he didn't come for the burial. his reason was he had supervision that day in school,same person that calls his colleague to cover for him during exam supervision so he could do other things. He also didn't send me any money but he questioned me for not giving him any money for his Father's burial. Even when I paid him excess for the burial uniform. I know why I did that. Mind you, he has asked me before if he can give one of his ex 10k during her Father's burial which I agreed and he sent her the money.

8. I have rejected some suitors who were willing to marry me coz of him. Though he has never encouraged me to accept any of them. In fact he gets angry hearing that another man is coming close to me.

9. He doesn't call often, I do more of the calling though he always return my calls. He can stay for days without calling unless I call. I know I have been the one holding the relationship coz I thought he will change.

10. Sine 2017 till last year, all I did was forgive him coz I love him. He keeps bringing new / different ladies into the picture. I have gone through a lot of emotional stress. He keeps asking me to stay that he loves me but he's confused.

His good side: He's understanding, motivates me to do my best, he doesn't hit me, he is gentle.

Me on the other hand is sometimes stubborn though very faithful coz I love him to a fault. I easily get angry but forgives easily. When I'm angry I talk so much but I don't abuse him. He is simply the cause of all my anger. He always say I am very understanding, a good girl, drama free but yet he doesn't want to marry me and won't let me go too. I have never involved a third party in our relationship except my late sister who said she wish I will walk away from the relationship because I love the guy more, that it won't end well. All my friends thinks I have a perfect relationship because I don't discuss him with them.

Back to last night, I told him I won't call him again coz he said I am pressurizing him to marry me. The truth is I have seen the hand writing on the wall, not today but two years ago but I keep going back. Please I need advice on how not to go back again. The love he proclaims for me is not enough for him to marry. I have wasted enough time already. Maybe hearing the raw truth here will help.

My dear sister, that guy is not yet ready to settle down in the next three years

At fourty he is yet to get settled, what makes you think he us going to be a good husband

My advice is start withdrawing and don't let him keep you back with any apology for delaying you

He knows you love him more and when a woman loves more, the man doesn't have anything to push him to go ahead but when he loves you more, it becomes a motivating factor

Just walk away before the real heart break will come

Ineedtoheal:
It has nothing to do with him being successful. I have other people more successful and ready to spend on me that I refused and haven't said yes to. I don't know what it is about him.

Ma'am you're either suffering from a chronic evil soul tie or the man has used very potent juju on you.

Either way you have to run away from him as fast as your feet can carry you because even if he marries you(which is unlikely) he'll still keep multiple girlfriends outside and bring HIV home one day.

As well you need to seek very strong deliverance. I didn't believe in such things but unfortunately they exist. Try MFM prayer city, Lagos ibadan express.

I'm not a pastor. I'm not even their born again but I've sure witnessed strange things from people.

Ineedtoheal:
Maybe I forgot to add this, he said its a spiritual thing. That it didn't start with me.

My dear, when a man is ready, when a man really wants you? Na you go run. The fire in them at that point dey pass women own sef.

The problem with some of you is that you think relationship is all about love. Nah! Lots of strategy is involved. I won’t say more than that...

Move on

hopeforcharles:
Keep him at arm's length, make sure u make plans to date and accept proposal from other serious suitors.
Because from your post he has lost interest in marrying you and the relationship

Exactly my own point too.. 5 years , Ha! With all those negative signs.. She should move away from him ASAP

Ineedtoheal:
No one says it must lead to marriage oga. why keep what you don't need? If You really don't see yourself in few years time with someone, why waste their time? did you really read all I wrote? coz if you did, you wouldn't have make this comment.
I have begged him on several occasions to end things with me if he knows we don't have a future together but he refused. Mind you, it's not just a Nigerian thing. you guys are so quick in calling Nigerian girls out.

See question...

Free sex na!

Do you think he will spend 5years with you if he was not having sex with you? Lmao...

You young girls of this generation really thought you were wiser than your mothers and elders who advised you to close legs.
But you know nothing, most of you.

If I were your daddy, uncle, or elder bro, and you came to me with this silly pathetic story, I will first give you a resounding slap that your great-grandparents will feel from their grave, before I will pet you and counsel you.

Nonsense...

Ineedtoheal:
Hi Famlanders, Please I need your advice. I beg you all to save a sister. I have to bring this here coz I know it's where I will get wonderful contributions. Again, I am using this new account coz I have friends and customers here. I don't want to blow my cover. Please this is real and not fiction. This will be quite lengthy, please bear with me.

I met this guy in 2013 when I was in year one. It was not a steady relationship coz we barely call nor see so I didn't take him serious. And whenever we see, it was always at one friends house or another. I accused him of being married but he vehemently denied it. Later on I figured out he had accommodation issue after he lost his job. He later rented a house when he got another job with one of our prestigious federal universities here in Nigeria and that was when things became serious (kinda).

We became very serious around 2016 that is why I count it as 5 years instead of 7. But then during one of my visits, I was sleeping in the room when I overheard him talking to someone but the only thing that caught my attention was when he said "I don't even have a girlfriend". Though I didn't confront him, but I thought about it deeply.

Two nights ago, I had a dream where he was getting married to another lady. I was crying while he was still saying he loves me but can't marry me. I confronted him yesterday, he said I am pressurizing him to marry me that was after he first asked what will happen if we don't end up together. He hasn't told me where the relationship is leading to after 5 years. We have been living for the moment. Just for the moment!

Few info about the relationship
1) He will be 40 this November while I am 27.
2. He has always had numerous girlfriends that when he's with them, he doesn't pick my calls though he always apologizes and he's trying his best this year.

3. He always send pictures of other women to his friends to let them know they are the people he wish to marry but never has he sent mine. Though he claims he's not doing it again.

4. From the look of things he's still searching while he wants to have me all to himself. Maybe a second option since the others are not accepting him and I love him foolishly.

5. The relationship is 50 -50 .We spend on each other. He believes it's the woman's duty to do all the house chores but not the man's duty to take care of the woman.

6. On his Fathers burial last year, 3 of his girlfriends came (me inclusive) and we all wore the burial uniform. Together, we served his guests even when we realized we are dating same man. His neighbors were giggling and gossiping but we all decided to be matured and work together.

7. When my sister that raised me died, he didn't come for the burial. his reason was he had supervision that day in school,same person that calls his colleague to cover for him during exam supervision so he could do other things. He also didn't send me any money but he questioned me for not giving him any money for his Father's burial. Even when I paid him excess for the burial uniform. I know why I did that. Mind you, he has asked me before if he can give one of his ex 10k during her Father's burial which I agreed and he sent her the money.

8. I have rejected some suitors who were willing to marry me coz of him. Though he has never encouraged me to accept any of them. In fact he gets angry hearing that another man is coming close to me.

9. He doesn't call often, I do more of the calling though he always return my calls. He can stay for days without calling unless I call. I know I have been the one holding the relationship coz I thought he will change.

10. Sine 2017 till last year, all I did was forgive him coz I love him. He keeps bringing new / different ladies into the picture. I have gone through a lot of emotional stress. He keeps asking me to stay that he loves me but he's confused.

His good side: He's understanding, motivates me to do my best, he doesn't hit me, he is gentle.

Me on the other hand is sometimes stubborn though very faithful coz I love him to a fault. I easily get angry but forgives easily. When I'm angry I talk so much but I don't abuse him. He is simply the cause of all my anger. He always say I am very understanding, a good girl, drama free but yet he doesn't want to marry me and won't let me go too. I have never involved a third party in our relationship except my late sister who said she wish I will walk away from the relationship because I love the guy more, that it won't end well. All my friends thinks I have a perfect relationship because I don't discuss him with them.

Back to last night, I told him I won't call him again coz he said I am pressurizing him to marry me. The truth is I have seen the hand writing on the wall, not today but two years ago but I keep going back. Please I need advice on how not to go back again. The love he proclaims for me is not enough for him to marry. I have wasted enough time already. Maybe hearing the raw truth here will help.

Ok.

Steadman and Oprah have been dating for decades and are fine. The issue with you is that you are being used and you are fine with it.

Ishilove:
Ineedtoheal, I wish you are physically close to me so I can give you a very hot slap on the back. The kind Yoruba people call 'abara'.

I have no words for you because reading your post is just making me vexed. Stay there o. You will soon receive his wedding IV.

MSCHEEEEEEEEW.

Lol this your comment made me laugh but then I get it all.

Acidosis:
To be honest, dating any man in that age group would come with many troubles. Ideally, a man of 35-40 years shouldn't be single. When you meet or fall in love with these men (which is what most women of these days prefer), you should be prepared to fight through. The solution is simple: fight through until he becomes yours through marriage (and be prepared to fight on to keep him)

The other solution is to quit. Get yourself another man and grow together. There are truly no 35-40 year old single men out there. They're always entangled with one or more women, one troublesome ex, etc etc. The decision is yours to make.

I'm tired of fighting. I have tried my best.

Ineedtoheal:
It has nothing to do with him being successful. I have other people more successful and ready to spend on me that I refused and haven't said yes to. I don't know what it is about him.

It's no fault of yours that you find a hot, chocolate, and sweet 40 year old boy irresistible. You're not alone, trust me.

GraGra247:
Ma'am you're either suffering from a chronic evil soul tie or the man has used very potent juju on you.

Either way you have to run away from him as fast as your feet can carry you because even if he marries you(which is unlikely) he'll still keep multiple girlfriends outside and bring HIV home one day.

As well you need to seek very strong deliverance. I didn't believe in such things but unfortunately they exist. Try MFM prayer city, Lagos ibadan express.

I'm not a pastor. I'm not even their born again but I've sure witnessed strange things from people.

No he's not the juju type. regardless what he did to me, I can't speak ill of him. but then I rule the prayer part out. I will give it a try this time.

pocohantas:
My dear, when a man is ready, when a man really wants you? Na you go run. The fire in them at that point dey pass women own sef.

The problem with some of you is that you think relationship is all about love. Nah! Lots of strategy is involved. I won’t say more than that...

I know coz I have a man that all these years I have been dating this guy, has not given up. He says one day I will come to my senses and come to him. I even get tired of his complaints and calls. He came for my sister's burial even without me inviting him. he only saw the poster on my facebook wall. he dropped everyone that came from my village that day in town, took my mom home. he's ever ready to do anything for me. he's 31 now, a senior colleague when I was in year 1. the thing is I don't love him. maybe my problem is spiritual coz I tend to love the wrong people.

Acidosis:
It's no fault of yours that you find a hot, chocolate, and sweet 40 year old boy irresistible. You're not alone, trust me.

Not like he's that hot. I have been the one helping him to stay fit if not his stomach would have been so big by now.

pocohantas:
My dear, when a man is ready, when a man really wants you? Na you go run. The fire in them at that point dey pass women own sef.

The problem with some of you is that you think relationship is all about love. Nah! Lots of strategy is involved. I won’t say more than that...

Again, what other strategies are you talking about

''But yet he doesn't want to marry me or let me go'' Listen to yourself girl, he is not the one who is holding you, rather you are the one who is holding on to him, refusing to quit despite all the red flags. You've given this old man 5yrs to toy around with your emotions, yes that big age Gap makes him an old man compared to you. If he has not discussed marriage, what are you still waiting for? Tomorrow you will say all men are bad, forgetting that you locked up yourself in a bad relationship without giving other men a chance in your life.

Even if you are uglyyy, it is not enough reason for a young girl of 27 to allow a very mature man treat you like trash, I feel you must be extremely uggllyy to allow a man treat you so badly, but there is someone for everyone, so don't allow this man continue to rubbish you and your self esteem.

You also mentioned below that he said the problem is spiritual, if it is spiritual and he is not ready to help himself, there is nothing you can do about it. Stop calling him, if he realizes his errors and comes back, with a clear stand on marrying you, then you can accept him back. If he does not care to call you or talk about marriage dump him asap, get yourself another relationship, so that you will not hurt much. If you do not give another man a chance asap, you will hurt badly and deeply, 7yrs isn't a joke.

Ineedtoheal:
The relationship is 50 -50 .We spend on each other.

6. On his Fathers burial last year, 3 of his girlfriends came (me inclusive) and we all wore the burial uniform. Together, we served his guests even when we realized we are dating same man.

10. He keeps bringing new / different ladies into the picture. I have gone through a lot of emotional stress.

but yet he doesn't want to marry me and won't let me go too.

Ineedtoheal:
Not like he's that hot. I have been the one helping him to stay fit if not his stomach would have been so big by now.

Naturally, we all gravitate towards what we are familiar with. Problem is many are familiar with terrible things. You can't be familiar with good things and still choose to stick with the bad. Examine yourself, what kind of people do you surround yourself with? It is not normal to fall in love with bad people. It is ma.dness to find descent and good men unattractive. When a woman says they don't or can't seem to love a good man, I immediately consider them as people with terrific upbringing. You can't grow with good people and find good men unattractive.

LilMissFavvy:
''But yet he doesn't want to marry me or let me go'' Listen to yourself girl, he is not the one who is holding you, rather you are the one who is holding on to him, refusing to quit despite all the red flags. You've given this old man 5yrs to toy around with your emotions, yes that big age Gap makes him an old man compared to you. If he has not discussed marriage, what are you still waiting for? Tomorrow you will say all men are bad, forgetting that you locked up yourself in a bad relationship without giving other men a chance in your life.

Even if you are uglyyy, it is not enough reason for a young girl of 27 to allow a very mature man treat you like trash, I feel you must be extremely uggllyy to allow a man treat you so badly, but there is someone for everyone, so don't allow this man continue to rubbish you and your self esteem.

You also mentioned below that he said the problem is spiritual, if it is spiritual and he is not ready to help himself, there is nothing you can do about it. Stop calling him, if he realizes his errors and comes back, with a clear stand on marrying you, then you can accept him back. If he does not care to call you or talk about marriage dump him asap, get yourself another relationship, so that you will not hurt much. If you do not give another man a chance asap, you will hurt badly and deeply, 7yrs isn't a joke.

Funny enough I am not close to ugly. I am beautiful and light skinned.I can't post my picture here lol. My skin colour alone attracts people to me. My supervisors where I did my IT still calls me till date. both married and single. A lot of guys don't talk to me again coz I have cancelled numerous appointments with them. I look younger than my age even. I am independent and come from a good background. Not like I can't get another man but then I don't have feelings for them.

Acidosis:
Naturally, we all gravitate towards what we are familiar with. Problem is many are familiar with terrible things. You can't be familiar with good things and still choose to stick with the bad. Examine yourself, what kind of people do you surround yourself with? It is not normal to fall in love with bad people. It is ma.dness to find descent and good men unattractive. When a woman says they don't or can't seem to love a good man, I immediately consider them as people with terrific upbringing. You can't grow with good people and find good men unattractive.

My own case is totally different. My upbringing, people around me are great! All my sisters married good men and they are still married. I am the last and they are all surprised why I am still single till now. My problem has always been taking that bold step. Another thing is, when I love and haven't wrap things up, I can't love another person.

@OP

You've an erroneous understanding of what love is, thus the reason why you've mistaken stockholm syndrome for love - you're just a slave to your own weakness, you don't have willpower. Strive to extricate yourself from the emotional entanglement you've put yourself and after that make sure you conquer yourself emotionally and psychologically before going into another relationship with any other man to avoid a repeat of what you've passed through in his hands so far- that which drains you emotionally, psychologically or financially can never be love, at least not genuine love.

The fault isn't entirely yours though, your weakness notwithstanding; you're involved with a guy who has neither conquered himself nor has genuine interest towards you. Genuine love renews energy, it never drains it.

Altruism without conscientiousness always zaps energy (own energy) - reciprocity of altruism in particular and conscientiousness in general is the secret of any healthy relationship. Take to goodness/remain good, but stop rewarding disloyalty with goodness or enabling/indulging/condoling nonsense.

Ineedtoheal:
My own case is totally different. My upbringing, people around me are great! All my sisters married good men and they are still married. I am the last and they are all surprised why I am still single till now. My problem has always been taking that bold step. Another thing is, when I love and haven't wrap things up, I can't love another person.

Your case is different my sister. Come let me break that yoke upon your life.

Continue to waste your time on a man who doesn't love you until you grow old and out of demand. Then you'll realize the reason why ladies are advised to go for men who truly love and desire them and not force themselves on any man.

Just pray that at 27 you'll still have a serious suitor come your way. I'm not a prophet of doom but once a lady is beyond 25, getting a serious suitor becomes a problem! I have countless examples around me so I know better. This is why I advise girls to hook that guy who is dying for them at their youthful age and build a home together.

In case you decide to continue with the other time waster, just pray he doesn't find the kind of lady he's looking for, because when he does, you'll be dumped like a piece of trash! And even if you eventually succeed in forcing him to marry you, you should as well prepare to take all sorts of rubbish from him because you'll be cheated on and disrespected with reckless abandon.

Acidosis:
Your case is different my sister. Come let me break that yoke upon your life.

pray for me in your closet.

Ineedtoheal:
pray for me in your closet.

Ahhh The man wouldn't even allow you come to me for deliverance

This kind news dey pain me...
At the end after enjoying the better part of tnis lady, some dude some where bo marry fairly usdd product.

Damn!!! Tear Leather scarce oooooooo

EliteDude:
This kind news dey pain me...
At the end after enjoying the better part of tnis lady, some dude some where bo marry fairly usdd product.

Damn!!! Tear Leather scarce oooooooo

Ina akogheli nno