₦airaland Forum

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

My only advice for you is to pray for your husband, pray pray and pray, that's what he needs.

airminem:
Someone said you have overstayed your welcome in this forum. .;Dhehehe. . . Nairalanders with little dreams!

Mtchew

heniford2:
all this thing you typed here break up with him please let me ask you what is wrong with him seen a native doctor, if we check very well know we will get to understand that the whole problem is from your side, you talk, abuse him, yet you want him to act so you will use it against him in overseas, maybe the will depot him thank God the young guy is smart very smart to avoid you, better re arrange your life oh or break up with him you want to have another issue while your still queering with him Ahh! you self shall chill oh or move on since you claim independent

Is that all you can say? Rubbish

Sis, in as much as you're working on yourself to control the way you express yourself, I'll still advise not to totally bottle your feelings, a lot of people heal faster when they pour their minds out. We all can't be stoic, just be less emotional whenever you bring these things up. Never allow anyone make you feel there's anything wrong with you. However, in this situation, I'll advise that you retreat and work behind the scenes, since you already know that things rarely get to him, if you can, try not to let things get to you, and even if it does, never make him realize this. PRAY more and be a little bit selfish with your feelings. Used to be like you, I had to learn the hard way.
Wish you all the best.

The issue is nothing that should cause or resulted to all these that you have enumerated here if not that it was improperly handled but in any case I saw naggi,bullying, in fact I saw a noisy environment in the name of nagging and all the rest which I personally hates in woman and probably your husband happened to be my type because there's a manner you can use to approach to a person on a vital issue that needs the persons urgent attention but yet he or she will despise it simply because of how he or she was approached but all the same,all you need is just to be submissive to him in all ramifications even to an issues of his best interest,just aloud him to have the final say,I see things returning to normal in the shortest period of time,CALM DOWN and take up your role as a wise home builder who always build with caution. Good luck.

@ Vevejoy
Trust me that if you're not very strong in God, the devil your husband bows to through the native doctor would break your home. There are cracks already. For your normal rantings, I've got nothing to say. It's in you guys (women) nature.

Magnoliaa:
Why are you all making definitive statements like these? Even you?? Did you read the part of his diabolic mind and how he suspects EVERYONE? He can afford daycare services. This is bigger than simply just her suggesting her mother coming. He's abusive(physically) to someone and even thinks she's controlling him with charms, yet she she should be stooping. Stooping to what? Is he loving her unconditionally, as he desires respect from her?



Ha. In a marriage, there's one more important than another?? Wtff. So, people who hyphenated their names to their husbands' or didn't choose at all - another is more important?

See as you just invalidated and discarded the woman's feelings and hurt here.

Too many toxic men on this forum. Hence I barely respond to DMs. God forbid these kind of men.

Ecbatana:
First of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby and may the forces be in her favor.

In order to understand the problem and proffer a tenable solution, let me break down your post as follows;

(i ) You've been married for six years and you live abroad,

(ii) You struggled all those years for the fruit of the womb up till 2019 when your baby girl was born,

(iii) the both of you discussed the prospect of bringing either of your moms to come and assist with the child care. When he asked to know which of the moms you preferred, you opted for yours and also backed it up.

(iv) now your marriage is threatened, he acts coldly towards you and all you now do is nag and complain,

(v) and finally, you mentioned that he visits witch doctors and takes their counsel.


I'd like to pose a few questions where in lies my advice.

1. Where did you meet him; here in Africa or abroad? This is because many ladies here in Africa quickly rush to marry someone they hardly know for the prospect of living abroad. Most of the time it's a thing of ego.

2. Did you court before marriage and for how long? I ask this question because courtship would have given the privilege to know things about him and make a stand. Or, you knew how he behaves and visits native doctors but got carried away by something else.

3. How close is he to his mother? Most men are attached to their mothers. When he asked you which of the moms you preferred, you should have weighed this in your heart before replying him. Choosing your mom over his will give him the impression that you are selfish and want only your family members to benefit.

4. Could you please stop the nagging and complaining? No man wants a nagging woman for a wife. Though his attitude towards you is highly annoying, do not play to the gallery. Since he is not complaining about paying for day care, let him continue to pay in peace. On your own part, be positive, have confidence in yourself, worry less, face your work and in your leisure find something to keep you positively engaged. Most men like to be in control, when he sees you no longer worry and regaining control over yourself, he'll try to re-establish control. Your charms will draw him close to you again.

Let me conclude in order not to bore you, if he has people that he listens to; talk to them. Also, a lot of people need assurances, prayers and fortifications to keep them going. Some find theirs in the church, others in the mosque and your husband the shrine. Do not joke with a man's religion. If you don't like it and can't compel him to change then divorce should be your last resort. After all, you stay abroad and the law favors women in issues like this. Except your abroad is an African country. Goodluck and may the cosmic guide you.

While academic intelligence might fetch us good grades in school, makes us speak polished English, social and moral intelligence keeps us in line with the societal ethos, norms and the values. It also incorporates social etiquettes; knowing what to say, when to say, and how to say them. This eventually harmonises peaceful coexistences BTW people.

Having enormous of one intelligence at the expense of the other becomes a deficiency.

You simply doesn't know how to talk.

mariahAngel:
It's just that so much is expected of a woman, it is hardly fair. The more they give, the more they're asked to give.
All they ever wanted is to be listened to.

She was being listened to for 5 good years until last year I think when she kept insisting on Smtn her husband was exactly not agreement with.

They both have their different faults bt good communication helps.

Chii59:
Mtchew

B2sender

shadeyinka:
If I have the opportunity of speaking to the husband, I will speak the TRUTH to him. Since he didn't ask for my opinion, I can only talk about what the wife can DO!

The man was fetish before he married her. He had been fetish till now (six years of marriage). Everything was okay in spite of the diabolic nature of the husband until 2020 may.

Can you see why I downplayed it in my address.

Every successful marriage must have a head (a CEO). The wife is a Director in their home. A CEO is first a director who is given the power of executive decisions. A wise CEO will consult his directors before making executive decisions. The CEO is directly responsible for the success or failure of his organisation. Two Captains cannot independently steer a ship.

The truth is not palatable. Do you understand why a husband is charged with the security of his wife and children and not the other way round?

Everything wasn't okay before this. The man is not without faults and she didn't share everything that's been happening with them (even it's only the bad side she brought). She even admitted to being a nag and retracted: later told him his mom can come over. Is this seriously something you think is worth "punishing" the woman for if he was the supposed CEO? Since last year. Is being the head not about laying one's life down and sacrifice? You are only highlighting the "bragging" part that requires making decision and being on top - how is this man consulting with his director wife or whateve analogy you choose to use now?

You want her to accord him respect when he's not being an exemplary husband. I know the husband isn't here, but you made it all seem like the op is the only culprit.

Whatever will help them wouldn't be the wife's sole actions alone.

bareal:
You cleverly ignored the loquaciousness part. Don't you know 90% of her problems will be solved if she can just control her tongue. She talks too much and that was even evident in her right up. The matter is simple.

Continue soogbo!

Uncle or sister, didn't you read where I told her to try and calm down? Or is it untill I plainly tell her to stop talking too much brfore you will understand they mean the same thing...
Please advice her and move on

Chii59:
Too many toxic men on this forum. Hence I barely respond to DMs. God forbid these kind of men.

Too many.

It shocks me everyday.

It's like most of them right now are not capable and cannot be of making decisions without defaulting to some "teachers" to tell them or culture.

It's shocking. Sometimes they are always making sense, but let it come to women's issues - you'll start seeing their misogynistic biases coming out.

Vevejoy:
P

his major problem is his belief in native Dr. Once he is able to see beyond that wall, his sense of reasoning will improve. It is the same problem with those that believe everything their pastor or Imam says. Such people cannot use their own mind properly.

Start from renovating his reasoning regarding native Dr

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

such a woman..
i admire the fact that you said the truth about yourself and your weaknesses ...then your husband has been brainwashed totally that he feeds a Man and his entire household in Africa because he is gullible,again i want to ask if you guys go to church or you are pagans cos you didnt mention that.. cos seeing a pastor will help a great deal

then ..
concentrate on your child and career, make sure you have plenty of fun to keep your mental state in balance,and when you have a chance to sleep with him,shoooot your shot and get pregnant again ASAP..that's all that matters right now..
nor worry,him eyes go soon open,and when it does dont forget to thank me

DoubleEngine007:
No,I won't.
Reason is because one is the head of the home and the other is not. When the two wants to be the head,then crisis will come. I'm happy you know that op is not a man,hence the advice I gave her. You can as well give her your advice. Good afternoon, I hope you're enjoying your day? Cheers!

So headship implies that a man should be cruel to his wife right? Do u remember somewhere in the book of Malachi where God said he bears witness to a husband's maltreatment of his wife? Do u remember that scripture in the book of Galatians were God made it clear that when a man maltreats his wife, his prayers get hindered? Do u remember somewhere in the book of Colossians, where husband's are advised no to be bitterly angry with their wives? Do u remember somewhere in the book of Ephisians were husbands are advised to assign honour to their wives? Where in this equation can u out ur tweet? U see, when the world rejects God's standards of what a marriage should be an replace it with their own ideals like yours, there will always be problems. Now whip out another useless narrative, cos I'm expecting it.

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Too much nagging and pride from you is killing your marriage. If I hear your husband's side of the story, I can say what your husband is doing wrong. Except you are looking for supporters to massage you and justify you, work on your faults.

If you guys can invite the 2 mothers (fine), how close are you to your mum in law? You guys should invite her over to save your marriage, i know your mum will understand.

Magnoliaa:
Too many.

It shocks me everyday.

It's like most of them right now are not capable and cannot be of making decisions without defaulting to some "teachers" tell them or culture.

It's shocking. Sometimes they are always making sense, but let it come to women's issues - you'll start seeing their misogynistic biases coming out.

Exactly. When it comes to other topics, some of them show sagacity. But when it comes to matters of the heart, they reason like the brain is upside down.

Chii59:
Exactly. When it comes to other topics, some of them show sagacity. But when it comes to matters of the heart, they reason like the brain is upside down.

We give wayyy too much power to love and mushy mushy stuff.

nnaemeka817:
While academic intelligence might fetch us good grades in school, makes us speak polished English, social and moral intelligence keeps us in line with the societal ethos, norms and the values. It also incorporates social etiquettes; knowing what to say, when to say, and how to say them. This eventually harmonises peaceful coexistences BTW people.

Having enormous of one intelligence at the expense of the other becomes a deficiency.

You simply doesn't know how to talk.

Thank you for your observation. You see, what the OP posted is her own account of the problem. As learned as you are, why have you not asked for her husband's side of the story?
If you were a judge, you would have probably passed judgement based on her one sided account.

She brought her problem to a public forum. It is not my duty to please you or her with my choice of words.

Such is life but something must kill a woman

DavidEsq:
So headship implies that a man should be cruel to his wife right? Do u remember somewhere in the book of Malachi where God said he bears witness to a husband's maltreatment of his wife? Do u remember that scripture in the book of Galatians were God made it clear that when a man maltreats his wife, his prayers get hindered? Do u remember somewhere in the book of Colossians, where husband's are advised no to be bitterly angry with their wives? Do u remember somewhere in the book of Ephisians were husbands are advised to assign honour to their wives? Where in this equation can u out ur tweet? U see, when the world rejects God's standards of what a marriage should be an replace it with their own ideals like yours, there will always be problems. Now whip out another useless narrative, cos I'm expecting it.

There are people that know this Bible more than you do,their marriages still failed. If you fail to do what you're supposed to do as a husband or as a wife,bible verses won't help you oga. If you like read from Genesis to Revelation. Now tell her to qoute these verses to her said husband ,if that will make him change. Someone that's not even a Christian I told you to direct your advice to the op,and stop quoting me please..

Magnoliaa:
We give wayyy too much power to love and mushy mushy stuff.

I wish you were here in nairaland's hey days. You'd have loved it. Many people I knew then have either deactivated their accounts or are barely active here. That's how bad it's gotten.
Very very toxic.

[This response seems too harsh this is what happens when the man lacks empathy toward his woman...if he has been a good listener she wont come here to do this lengthy talk......

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

VanDerWaalforces:
May God restore the peace that once existed in your home. Amen! Madam, I advice you take your time and decipher the remote cause of your husband's behaviour and see what you can do to address it. More importantly, couple must learn to reach a compromise on every issue in their home; but it seems your husband is ignorance of this. I suggest you both meet a councillor who would help educate him and council both of you approximately. Please, make sure you remain submissive to him and remind him that it is his duty to love and cherish you. Good luck!

I can tell u from that write up that op has been dominating that man for long and he refused to let her have the final say on this issue. Op did not tell us her action when her husband say no.Her action changed that man totally. The issue of herbalist,she want to tag that man bad.
Her husband is enjoying d moment at least he can live his life now. Op should calm down and allow that man to lead

So if you dying and running mental
You can’t talk to anyone or seek help to know what’s wrong from different repoint of views
Really?
Ever heard of depression killing?
Haaaaa

mrdharkchild:
I swear I actually stopped at that same line. It's never good to share this to the public, what are we going to do about it?
We can't solve your probkems for u ma'am. Marriage is between 2 people, taking it out to the market place will only scatter it for u. This is a bias talk. Stop exposing his secrets here, I don't like it. B4 u married him did u notice it? There r things my babe does, I know them, and things that I do that maybe ugly too, but we accept it as our weakness and work for the relationship to continue. Even after d break up I am /she isn't supposed to start telling people about my FLAW.ITS CHILDISH

Chii59:
I wish you were here in nairaland's hey days. You'd have loved it. Many people I knew then have either deactivated their accounts or are barely active here. That's how bad it's gotten.
Very very toxic.

The way you guys speak of this past glory of this site. I wished, wished I was here then.

But then, my brain might not be a correct one that time. There were dramas, too, time that sha. I likely would have been involved in one.

Ecbatana:
First of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby and may the forces be in her favor.

In order to understand the problem and proffer a tenable solution, let me break down your post as follows;

(i ) You've been married for six years and you live abroad,

(ii) You struggled all those years for the fruit of the womb up till 2019 when your baby girl was born,

(iii) the both of you discussed the prospect of bringing either of your moms to come and assist with the child care. When he asked to know which of the moms you preferred, you opted for yours and also backed it up.

(iv) now your marriage is threatened, he acts coldly towards you and all you now do is nag and complain,

(v) and finally, you mentioned that he visits witch doctors and takes their counsel.


I'd like to pose a few questions where in lies my advice.

1. Where did you meet him; here in Africa or abroad? This is because many ladies here in Africa quickly rush to marry someone they hardly know for the prospect of living abroad. Most of the time it's a thing of ego.

2. Did you court before marriage and for how long? I ask this question because courtship would have given the privilege to know things about him and make a stand. Or, you knew how he behaves and visits native doctors but got carried away by something else.

3. How close is he to his mother? Most men are attached to their mothers. When he asked you which of the moms you preferred, you should have weighed this in your heart before replying him. Choosing your mom over his will give him the impression that you are selfish and want only your family members to benefit.

4. Could you please stop the nagging and complaining? No man wants a nagging woman for a wife. Though his attitude towards you is highly annoying, do not play to the gallery. Since he is not complaining about paying for day care, let him continue to pay in peace. On your own part, be positive, have confidence in yourself, worry less, face your work and in your leisure find something to keep you positively engaged. Most men like to be in control, when he sees you no longer worry and regaining control over yourself, he'll try to re-establish control. Your charms will draw him close to you again.

Let me conclude in order not to bore you, if he has people that he listens to; talk to them. Also, a lot of people need assurances, prayers and fortifications to keep them going. Some find theirs in the church, others in the mosque and your husband the shrine. Do not joke with a man's religion. If you don't like it and can't compel him to change then divorce should be your last resort. After all, you stay abroad and the law favors women in issues like this. Except your abroad is an African country. Goodluck and may the cosmic guide you.

nice one for number 4

docsam007:
[This response seems too harsh this is what happens when the man lacks empathy toward his woman...if he has been a good listener she wont come here to do this lengthy talk......

Boss it ain't harsh...The truth should be said the way it is atimes...Most men avoid nagging women...She doesn't understand that the reason her hubby avoids her is because she dwells too much on a minor issue..Her hubby obviously loves her, but he is tired of the plenty talks. Men are already stressed up at work and thinking about the family, don't add yours @ home..

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year,
I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Hi dear,

From your write up I see you have a good heart. You will be fine. It's ok to be frustrated at the turn of events, who wouldn't be? However, don't dwell on it. Worrying over things you can't change will even get you more worked up.

In marriage we fall in and out of love with our partners many times. At times we feel like strangling them, at other ties we are all lovey-dovey, so just relax although with your eyes and ears open. To control your over talking as you said, just take a deep breath when you feel like over talking and bite your lips, try it, it works.

About the native doctors he visits, don't talk again to him about it, rather talk to GOD about it. Everyday and night ask God to sever their relationship and open his eyes of understanding. What God cannot do does not exist, and he is even able to give new hearts to men and pierce even the hardest of hearts, WOW!! ( Eze 36:26, Heb 4:12).

You will be amazed at the turn of events and you wouldn't even have to lift a finger or your voice to get him to dance to your tune (talking from personal experience). Think happy thoughts and be positive. This is just a phase and it will pass soon. God bless you

Magnoliaa:
The way you guys speak of this past glory of this site. I wished, wished I was here then.

But then, my brain might not be a correct one that time. There were dramas, too, time that sha. I likely would have been involved in one.

Nairaland has always had dramas. But so many reasonable people were here. Many of them have left, or just inactive. I have some as friends off NL.