Hello BreAna
Thought about this some more, if you have been married for 8 years with son by this man, did he tell you about his daughter years ago? Do you have any contact with your inlaws to find out more? Were you consulted about her coming to live with you all, if she is 16 is she going to be around much longer anyway, maybe she has come over to go to college and further education? You need to assert yourself in your home with regard house rules, teenagers can run rings around you if you let them, they always find weaknesses and play on them. There are lots of books in libary about being a step mom. As many people that reply will all give differing views that could help or make you more worried. If he is a good muslim man, I really don't think he would take a 2nd wife and just bring her claiming it is his daughter. She's too young to be the first wife. Kids brought up in Nigeria are much more innocent in general than UK & US perhaps you are finding her youth and beauty a little unnerving, as an 8 year marriage would be past the initial honeymoon stuff and his attention being focused on her is a rivalry she is playing on as a teen. How long has she been in the household, few days, weeks, months? He says he took her to mosque early one morning, so she is brought up a muslim too, then you should assert to her you find her immodesty around the house indecent, buy her a robe to wear and cover her up, you are the woman of the house. Its a serious matter if he is touching his daughter she needs protecting, buy a bolt for her bedroom door, so she can lock him out, she won't want is attentions either and she would need serious help with this. If you have been duped in some way as others have said just 199 dollars for the home test hair kit then conclusive proof not daughter if that's the worry.

Broken hearted - tell me about it. Am sorry your hurting, disregard the unkind posts
your feelings of lose and betrayal are similar if not worse then beareavement (very similar) the pain will ease,
all the good advice and experience on here is true love will come a gain and you will laugh and be happy again,
be patient, God sees all and God bless you

moi moi with corned beef/chopped egg mixed inside oh and fried plantain with fish
making me this thread making me hungry now

mmmmm English food Eel pie and mash - on second thoughts give me Italian

Why not let the grandparents have some input and ask them to choose a name too?
Perhaps an american middle name so your child can find something they feel comfortable with when at school.

My daughter opted to become Sarah at school and Ife at home

Our house meaning I have always given him a third of my salary towards household matters. The remainder has gone to feed us all. He earns much more.

He asked for power of attorney to look after our house in Spain, I gave him Spanish document for power of authority to deal with utilities instead, so he thought he could do as likes with Spain.  Then he told me leaving me and wants to remortgage London House and move out to get own place.  Said no went to lawyer refused to sign anything.  Meantime he found out not power of attorney in Spain.  Back in London caught out with the Facebook thing, all very sorry and sweet and lovely, explained  remortgage just for retirment investment.  I asked why not in joint names again then?  Gave in let him take his £100k our of London house and he's still going ahead with purchase.  As long standing wife guess I will have some rights to share of 'his' house should he predecease me.  Am going to register 'marital interests' with land registry here so he can't sell our current joint home in London.  But really not happy, he retracted the wants to leave me thing, and promises girlfriend off scene now.  Wants me to live with him in new house.  Chest pains and confusion with all this, after long years of marriage.  Always thought marriage was share everything, he earns more than I do so I guess he feels he has contributed more in the long term.  Stopped giving me housekeeping money when the kids were half way through school.  I have always worked but only earn half of what he gets each month.

My dear, I know words cannot express what you feel, time will ease your burden.
The finality of losing a dearly loved mum brings home to us all the reality of our mortality.
If you have faith in God please try to find comfort in your faith it will sustain you.
I will put you in my prayers and I give my sincere heatfelt condolences to you and your family.
Rehana

ps and still says he loves me!!!!!

oh and I forgot to say apart from the Facebook thing, he has just remortgaged our house to buy another house in his name only,
and invited me to go along with him to view the house to see what I thought of it, am I an idiot or what!!

There is a chance this is all innocent and she is jealous of you and
trying to just get her dads attention. She's testing you.
However, to be conclusive you can get a DNA hair test done
neither of them has to know, check on the net for companies
that do this. Get the results sent to a friends house.
Then if not daughter you know what to do, be cool
don't let him/her know what you plan to do if the results
prove not dad and daughter, you will have too look out for
yourself and son, so I beg you to be very cool in your own
interests. My muslim husband had 4 daughters by previous
marriage who tested me to hell!

am 55

well his girlfriend is on their for all his work colleagues to see? But she has restricted her profile picture so I don't know what she looks like, she is 32 he's 55! Its disrespectful to me, he says he loves me very much.

I know Facebook is a social network site, but I sent friend invite x 3 times now and still not accepted by my husband?
Why would he not accpet me, just keeps making excuses?

I could not tolerate my adult sons/daughters bringing a 'partner' to live in my house, call me old fashioned.
If they did want to have a prospective partner live with us for some reason, which would have to be good reason, ,I would want to know their parents and agree the arrangement, though they would have to be in separate rooms.

Abortion is sad, but sadder if the mother brings and unwanted child into the world, if she can't cope, or if she wants the child but knows she won't cope etc. Adoption might be someone's prayer answered if they cannot have a child. All of these things depend on circumstances, how late is the abortion etc. Grieving hits some women when they realise what they have done, but it's too late then, others its a relief.

Its a very personal thing, never had abortion but have miscarried and had a hard time with that.

I guess I did give him a beating by constantly asking him about this, if it was innocent, why wait five months before explaining to me. I have been through hell with worry, and lost weight, crying and feeling so betrayed. I am so stupid I know but he has let me down, I thought he was my soulmate.

2007 I had gut instinct husband distracted, away at conferences, had to work nights at weekend, couldn't get on mobile switched off etc - in all the years together never did this before. Then in September last year he forgot his mobile at home (normally a closely guarded item). I the wife had my number under "other" and in the A-Z was "Pen" and all the texts about "it was a wondeful day when we met, are you sure are ready for all this, with love", "managed to sleep ok but will be fine" etc and so on.   When confronted excuse was "just a flirtation, meant nothing, everyone does this".  OK anyway five months on last weekend he decided to answer any question I had about her.  At last the truth (I thought), Iask him about her every few weeks when I think about it and get upset. Lasw time I asked he said she had a boyfriend.

We sat down and he didn't explain anything other than she was a Taiwanese waitress, who chatted to him and colleagues trying to improve her English, he got involved helping her with getting a laptop, installing Ipod, checking her essays, didn't explain the text that said "I came to your house to look for you because I care so much",  anyway he made it all sound possible that innocent, and looked relieved when I said ok and end to this now and we move on.  He spoilt it by being smug and adding "and she's a lesbian".  Men unbelievable that he can insult my intelligence.  I will forgive but I don't think I can forget - why can't he just own up!  Perhaps he is afraid of losing me?  Interested for some serious views on this please, he has behaved as if he is guilty because he has been over the top nice and kind to me since I saw all these texts and went to a lawyer.


Any

Need to define what you want/need from marriage, these days. Used to be an institution with women being very subserviant, nowdays its more of a relationship thing with the two partners being more equal. (Although for most I think the women still gets the short straw, housework, cooking and clearning unless she is lucky enough to afford help, or train the kids well enough to do their share of chores!).

Marriage is wonderful when things are going well, safe secure, loving partner etc. But shock when you have to take rough with the smooth - if things get bad like infidelity, then may go through hell, all depends on point of view, character and how yoiu handle your own marriage I guess.
Better to be a single parent though than live in an abusive unhappy marriage, sure lonely but at least you can invest your time to do your best for the child/ren than being distracted, and when the children raiseed time again to find a companion someone to love you, there will always be someone out there who is kind, maybe widowed.

At bedtime bath if my babies had a heavy cold and struggling to breathe propertly I would do this, then spit and rinse my mouth out quick, then with care leave some menthol drops on their vest front to make inhale when they go to sleap and help clear them. Not nasty done for love.

Amongst the replies there is some mature advice on here. Communication is the best way, but the other way is play the detective, you could type in the phone number/s on the internet and see if it brings up any clues. I did this and it bought up my husband's girlfirends workplace and where she lived (as she was looking to rent a room in her house and had an advert on the internet). Also if she has a Facebook or similar check those sites too. At this early stage in your marriage it is very sad you are experiencing this. I pray you can resolve your trust issues.

I found my husband's Taiwanese girlfriend (young enough to be his daughter) on Facebook after finding their intimate texts to each other too, I sent her a message saying "do you realise he's married". Only for him to come home and say he had a threatening call from a "Taiwanese man" at the office and he was going to get his police friend to investigate the matter. So indirectly he threatened me for harrassing his girlfriend.

Putting aside the ex girlfriend coming to him in dreams which will no doubt affect him psychologically (autosuggestive), sounds like premature ejaculation/impotence, you don't state his age, older male? Need to establish whether health or psychological factor, or combination of both, and depending on how important it is for the girl whether they are able to have children if low sperm count doesn't rule out pregnancy. If she loves him there are other ways to have a physical relationship without just penetrative sex, she will need to be very patient and understanding if she commits to him, if not health problem e.g. blood pressure, with her confidence things might improve.

ps the Facebook thing, he never did accept me, he just took his profile down - probably set up elsewhere with another one.  Mine did the same, that I had made offensive remarks by repeatedly saying what I had seen in the texts, but no explanation whatsoever as to who, why what, I can only think that men are terrible at talking about feelings because they are brought up to hid feelings.  I wish I knew of a way to understand why he doesn't understand how much he has hurt me.

I saw texts too because my husband left his phone at home by mistake. The texts between my husband and a girl that sent him a Rihanna love song "Hate, how much I love you", his reply was "you must be ready to sing to ne", and so on. I had also sent him a friend invite as he had put himself on Facebook, and he said it was just for people at the office, and he never accepted me on his Facebook, but continued to add other friends. So when I found out the name of the girl on the phone texts, sure enough there she was on his Facebook too (and she did not work in his office either)! He just got angry when I asked who she was and said flirting everyone does that, but he also said in his text to her "it was a wonderful day when we met, ", he used to write that I was wonderful too once. Three months down the line he has been nicer to me and more attentive, but still no apology or explanation as such. I don't know if they are in contact still even, and whenever I have tried to raise the subject just gets angry says he is ill now and has to relax at home more. I wrote my concens in an e-mail to him and begged him to reply, which he did saying he was not entering into an e-mail exchange, so only the one reply saying he never had contact with her, confused.com. If he was not ill I wonder if he would not still be out there with her. His e-mail explanation was that I should attend to problems at home not dwell on women outside the home! Shattered all my belief in him as before this I trusted him completely and neve even suspected he would have an emotional or sexual affair. I think if any man truly loves his wife/girlfriend he should be open and transparent with her.

My son was born 24th July 1990, my daughter 11th July 1991!
Easier to produce them in batches! Congratulations I am sure you will cope.

Dear Speedman

I wish you well and pray you will put some distance between yourself and your friend, let your feelings cool, weigh in your mind what you stand to lose if you start a relationship with your friend, likewise weigh what you would gain if you left your wife and children. She knows you are married so she must know its not appropriate to be taking up your time like this and should be avoiding temptation, and I don't think it is appropriate for you to worry yourself about her problems so much, its ok to be a friend but you have to draw a line somewhere.

Its very hard raising children, if you can make more time with your wife and get a babysitter, you might remember why you married her. I spent years being exhausted by the effort of getting my children educated and developing them into decent people. I must have made my husband feel neglected as he fell for the affections of a single lady who had time to put on makeup, do her nails, shop for pretty clothes and sweettalk him on the phone while I was so exhausted raising kids. See my thread "Brokenhearted and betrayed by my beloved husband" which I posted yesterday. I gave everything to my family selflessly, but my partner forgot to, forgivness may take forever and I cannot stop the pain in my heart.

Thank you all for yor replies amongst them was some good advise. I am a Christian and my faith sustains me, when we married he maintained he never wanted another wife. We have been very close for so many years. He loves to mentor people and is very modest, pesonally I feel this Taiwanese girl 20 or more years his junior took advantage of his wallet and he felt younger by her attentions, definately a mid life crisis, as he started dressing younger and bought a sports car.

What I was trying to put across is that my best friend, soulmate etc, the person I trusted and believed in most in this life whom has lived with me for so many years could just turn into a secretive stranger. I thought I new him better, so yes I will get on with my life and career, I will make the best of my life, but it will never ever be the same again for me. I was too idealistic and innocent and have learnt that even if no one else loves me, I have my God and my salvation to look forward to.

Thank you again for replying

My husband is a good man, a muslim, fair and just in all he does, I trusted him completely and loved him so much, in 2007 he became cold and indifferent towards me, my in law advised me to ignore it and just go about my business, I missed him so much, but never stopped hoping he could love me again. My instinct told me he was having an affair, I looked for evidence but could find none. I have been very lonely but got on with my life, cooked, cleaned and always praying his heart would change. When he got ill with blood pressure in 2008, and this year in August he told me he wanted to move out and take half of the value of our home to buy a new home, and keep our other house outright.

For weeks I was devastated, I prayed and a small mercy was that he became nioer to me and even asked me to view properties with him. That we would remain in contact. Then I went to a lawyer and they said do not sign anything. I told him I had seen a lawyer etc. Three days later he said he wanted to speak to me when he came home, went to work and left his phone at home I saw that he had very intimate discussion with a Taiwanese girl 20 years younger, and when I looked it was all in 2007, but there was a text for this year to. I didn't confront hin when he came home, but the love song she sent him, and the thought of him with her haunts me. That evening he said we could buy the new house in joint names, and even in a few years time renew our marriage with a blessing ceremony. I felt happy that we had at last talked except I had not asked him about the girl. A week on I did and he said, it was just a flirtation and meant nothing. I asked if a relative could mediate for us and she heard that he considerede the marriage over in 2007,(is that his justification for an affiar - even an emotional one if not sexual). Anyway we have been both trying, and he pays me attention again, and started to call me again, I have lost weight and dress to attract him. My heartache is that he must have meant the things he said to her because he is a good man, he even wrote a love note that was so similar to the ones he once gave me. I feel totally betrayed, I have been through such confusion, I love him so much, I wish he could even comprehend how hurt and lost I feel. Can I ever recover from this?

She is so self centred. All she cares about is her looks!
Everytime she eats she goes straight to the bathroom and
throws up her food. No wonder she cannot get pregnant. She
is starving herself. do you know how it is affecting me?

Above quote very worrying have you heard of "bulimia nervosa" an eating disorder common in young women and often brought on by stressful life event!
Is there pressure for her to get pregnant? Also when I was a young wife back in the days I lived in Nigeia for a while, I felt pale and insignificant against the beauty of Nigeian women in full party regalia. My lack of confidence and low self esteem made me feel I could not compete, hence I tried very hard too to stay in shape and be fashionable in my own European way. Thanks to my mother in law she gave me the love and support that got me through and I adapted and adopted native dress for events, believe me it takes lot of courage to walk into an event, not speak the language and be dressed up. Also further back there is a posting about racism, unfortunately this still happens, its sad and ignorant, but indoors we have never had issues.

Hi

I have asthma too and used to control it with inhalers that prevent and ease the condition. As you say their are long term side effects. I was cured by some medicine sent from Nigeria, it was like tree bark that I had to soak and then drink the liquid, it had a warming effect, and as the weeks went by it really eased my condition to the point that I have given up the western drugs. I wish there was more research done into the herbal/natural cures. It worked for me, I hope you can track this medicine down, I wish I knew iits name. Also there is a school of thought that teaches breathing exercises which can help and if there are no medicines around, I always found as a child that steam always help open up the airways in an asthma attack and being near the sea shore with the sea breeze eased my condition. I hope you find the medicine, best wishes.

I'm soooo sorry, my son just posted that when I left the screen open, he's the same boy who got caught in his step dads socks!
Actually, I think I can make pepper soup, and all the rest ok, the boy doesn't eat cause he's lazy and wont wash the dishes up afterwards.
Also with the credit crunch on I will definately be making more batches of egusi etc, its tasty, filling and goes a long way with all the visitors and family around.

I have a serious issue thats i need advice on. im 18 years old i live with my mother shes white, now i am extremely skinny and have been wondering if i lived with my father "ibo chief emanuel" would i be fat. please let me kno what you think