₦airaland Forum

The post below is a summary of my conversation with two people who are married for three years. They both called me to vent their frustrations. With their permission,I have shared their conversations with me. We would like to hear what you all think.

My Name is Eddie and I have been married for about years now. I met Stacy my wife during a photo shoot I was organizing for some models four years ago. Stacy is a model too. I am a social entrepreneur. I run photo shoots,I am an MC and I also run a blog.

Meeting Stacy,we flirted a while before we started dating. We knew each other in the same entertainment industry. Our dating was filled with drama. All because of Stacy’s insecurity. She is always suspecting me of cheating. We called off the relationship like five times in one year of dating. But she always came back crying saying shes sorry that she knows I am just doing my job and that she will try and become better. I dont know but I think I truly loved this calabar girl cos I still went ahead to marry her after one year.

http://livelystones.com.ng/marriage-ismine-beginning-feel-like-prison/

loooool

Hope they are here to listen.

meetmonde:
Tell them

Complete write up.

Women are sometimes their own worst enemies when it comes to making relationships last. Without realizing it, we do and say things that drive men away. Then, we wonder where it went wrong. Fortunately, most of the things that make men fall out of love are things you can fix. Here are five reasons that your man might have fallen out of love with you – along with some pointers to help you get back on track.

You’re clingy

You might think that wanting to do everything with your partner is a way of showing love. However, if you object or pout when he doesn’t want to do some of those things, it’s possible to come off as clingy.

Clinginess is often lumped together with neediness and control issues, which aren’t attractive qualities. It can be a sign that you’re not a complete person without him or that you don’t trust him.

What’s the solution? Encourage your mister to have hobbies and parts of his life that don’t include you – and make room for things in your life that don’t include him. When you do things separately, you’ll have something interesting to talk about when you’re together.

You’re not making time for him

On the flip side of the coin, there’s the possibility that you’re not making enough time for him. If you’re juggling a career, kids and a relationship, it might be that you’re letting your relationship take the backseat while you deal with other things.

He doesn’t expect you to neglect your kids or your job, but he does expect you to find a way to make time for him.

The solution is to look at your schedule and find a way to carve out time for the two of you. That might be as simple as designating Saturday night as date night and scheduling a regular sitter so you can go out. Or, it might be having a quiet dinner after the kids go to bed.

You don’t support his goals

One of the biggest reasons that couples run into trouble is when one person feels that their partner doesn’t support them. As a team, it’s important for you to be supportive of what he wants to do (and vice versa).

Of course, there are times when supporting a goal might not be feasible. However, as a rule, it’s important for the two of you to shore one another up and offer loving support.

If you haven’t been supportive of his goals, there’s no better time to start. You can start by apologizing for not being supportive in the past, and tell him how you plan to be supportive in the future. Ask how you can help him going forward. And the next time he brings up his dreams or goals, try not to be dismissive or discouraging.

You’ve stopped having s*x

When a couple has problems in the bedroom, it very frequently leads to problems in the overall relationship. Part of the reason is that women tend to think that men view sex as only physical, while the truth is that intimacy is just as emotional for men as it is for women.

In fact, when you don’t connect physically with your partner, he likely views it as an ongoing rejection and starts to question every aspect of your relationship.

The solution here is simple – and fun! Your job is to find time for the two of you to be alone together. You might schedule a weekend getaway or try going to bed a little earlier.

You’re overly dramatic

Some women make a point of dredging up past grievances when they quarrel with their partner. Every slight, no matter how small, is perceived to be catastrophic.

The problem with that is that even if you feel justified in your feelings, this type of behavior is exhausting for your partner. Every conversation can feel like a minefield. If he says or does the wrong thing, he knows he’ll end up at the receiving end of a tirade.

The answer is to let bygones be bygones. If you really feel you have a past issue that hasn’t been resolved, consider going to a counselor to get help working through it. Otherwise, it’s best to let it drop.

Your man might worry that he’s falling out of love with you, but with these tips you can change that: Make time for yourself and your man, support each other and let go of the past.

Feel free to visit http://livelystones.com.ng for more related article.

looooo.

Purebeerry:
If dating is this stressful, Na single sure pass.

Are you tired of being single?

How many times have you met a great guy, had a decent interaction, or even a fun date with him and then waited and waited for him to make the next move? And he didn’t. Womp.

Maybe the man you’re dating right now is spending a lot of time with you, and showing his interest but he won’t actually pull the trigger on commitment. If you think he likes you, and you know that you like him, how do you get into a relationship?

Let the man pursue you.

I want to make it clear about what pursue does and doesn’t mean. To start, pursue doesn’t mean sit idly by and wait for the man to do all of the work. It also doesn’t mean waste time waiting for him to decide that you’re worth committing to.

Lastly, letting a man pursue doesn’t mean waiting around so long that you become impatient and borderline desperate.

Or even worse, settle for treatment that is less than what you deserve. When you think about letting a man pursue you, consider letting him take the lead when it makes sense for him to do so. Don’t try to fill in the gaps for where he should be showing interest and isn’t. It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to show unequivocal interest in a man.

You don’t want the man to worry that you’re not interested. You can flirt with him, ask for his number, and even plan and pay for the date. I’m not encouraging this but I’m not against it. Essentially, you can do what you feel will make you feel good.

What you can’t do is: HIS JOB.

When you meet a guy that you think is great and you want to be in a serious relationship with him, but he’s dropping the ball it’s not your job to take the reigns. When you meet a guy that you like but he’s not moving the relationship forward by calling, texting, or planning future dates, it’s natural to wonder, “What should I do?”

It’s a natural feeling to want to do something but what you should do is:

Wait…

Dating is a waiting game because it depends a lot on timing. When you meet a guy that you like, you know. There is no need to go through the formalities of actual courtship, you are ready to forego all other men for his attention now. Unfortunately, most relationships don’t progress this way.

I know it’s exciting to like someone but you have to be patient in the process, and don’t feel like you have to make it happen. Be patient, and enjoy the process unfold.

Don’t be so quick to assume that if this guy really liked you he would lock it down. If you’re dating a man who isn’t calling you, or texting you, or trying to advance the relationship then you’re not dating the right guy. If you’re dating someone who isn’t moving as fast as you would like, just wait. Be wise enough to know the difference.

The emphasis on patience is this: don’t take action because you’re afraid that the guy won’t. A relationship built on insecurity will never last. Gender roles tell us that men are the ones who should approach you, call you, ask you on a date, follow-up with you, and then ask you out again. I agree with this to some extent. But approaching a man, making the first move, flirting with him, or texting him first isn’t the same as pursuing. These are actions you can take to show interest.

When you meet a man who is interested in dating you he will call you, he will ask you out, and he will take the lead. Even if you don’t think this man is capable of taking the lead, give him a chance at least. You don’t want a man so paralyzed by his own insecurities that he can’t ask you for a date.If you are impatient in your efforts, you might end up with a guy who just isn’t ready to be in a relationship and the experience will be disappointing at best. There is no amount of pursuit that you can offer, that will get a man into a relationship who doesn’t want to be in one.

Taking action seems more appealing than lying wait but why would you want to work that hard to get a man? Chill with the idea that dating is so complicated, and scary that we need to make it easy on men. We don’t.

Trust…

The idea of letting a man pursue you might sound old-fashioned but consider this: if you’re taking the reigns from the man then you’re missing out on a key part of his personality. A man will show you who he is by how he dates you. The way he communicates with you, and romances you, and tries to impress you. All of those actions give you insight to his personality. If you aggressively pursue him then you run the risk of never seeing all sides of him.

You’re also telling him that you don’t trust he can, or will pursue you of his own accord. You have to trust that you are worth chasing. You are worth going out on a limb for. You are worth the effort it takes, and is required to date someone. It takes patience to let a man to date you the way he feels comfortable with, and some women just don’t have the patience to do it.

They lack the confidence, and they don’t trust the process.

Putting trust into the guy that you want to be exclusive with shouldn’t sound like a crazy concept. With a little patience, and a lot of trust, you can easily find yourself in a healthy relationship. But fueled by insecurity, and the belief that it won’t happen unless you make it happen, can lead to a really unhappy experience.

Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean that you can’t let him know that you’re interested. Give him the green light to proceed and trust that if he likes you, he will.

Assess…

If you want a relationship with a guy, there is a plan of action that you can take to make him yours. But before you jump into action, assess what his level of interest is. You can typically judge a man’s interest by his actions.

Take inventory on what the guy you like is already showing you.

It’s often the case that the man is trying to pursue a woman but his efforts are going unnoticed. The bar is set so unrealistically high for what a man should be doing, that what he is doing goes unappreciated. Is he doing what he said he would do? Is he keeping up with promises to call, or text? Is he making suggestions to see each other again? Is he being honest and straight-forward with you?

Often, a man is making it crystal clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. If this is the case, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If you meet a guy that you like, you can meet a man halfway by showing interest in getting to know him. Think about it like this, it is perfectly ok to try to get to know anyone.

It is not OK to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t trying to get to know you!

I understand wanting a relationship but if a man isn’t willing to assume some responsibility for making a relationship happen, then maybe that’s not the right man for you. Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean sit back and do nothing. It just means don’t assume that you should do everything. Let the man that you’re dating show you who he is, and if he’s even ready for commitment.

http://livelystones.com.ng/want-relationship-let-men-pursue/

Yes.
It was not as though the pastor said No. Rather he wanted to see the guy first.
I didn't even hear mention about praying about it before moving ahead.
She just have to reconcile with the Pastor .

Ever8054:
you went too hard on the pastor,as you already admit how he contributed to your education..he only requested to see your man and it was enough reason for you to stop picking his calls...na waoo...iam not saying the reason you are in your present condition is tied to how you treated your pastor but we are humans and we all understand how disappointed we get when someone we love and trusted betray that trust...you offended the man of God but he is not the course of your wahalaaaaa...just as you kept him out from the beginning keep him out to the end...make d man no hear am swear for you....

looooool.
Na real by fire by force.
Though from the story, the guy doesn't seem honest and more over she has given him all the wifely stuffs for free as someone rightly said here.

Ladyhippolyta88:
If na me I go propose he must accept the proposal no going back and besides it is a private thing so nobody would know.If by major role you mean the wedding expenses I believe before she proposed to him she would have thought of that and start planning on how to split the bill for the wedding expenses between the two of them.

What if the Police man doesnt accept the proposal?

Even though she proposes , the man still has the major role to play.

Ladyhippolyta88:
Must he do the proposal if you are so desperate propose to him it is not a crime.

What else does she want after staying two years in the same house with a man who is not your husband.
No more value and respect any more.
If a guy wants to really marry a lady,there should be level if commitment ,no matter how small.
It's either she leaves until the man makes up his mind or move on with her life.

ORAGBON:
Dear Admin,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now after knowing each other for 10 years. We have been living together for two years and overall have a wonderful relationship. He has always known marriage is something I want and he has told me it is something he wants too. This past year, I’ve made it clear I’m tired of waiting for us to truly start our lives together and that I’m not happy with where my life is at now. He is also aware that I have become quite depressed with all our friends getting married and having....See More


http://livelystones.com.ng/i-am-depressedalmost-six-years-aftermy-boyfriend-has-yet-to-propose/

So pathetic.
Does it mean your mother inlaw swore with her life that you will never give birth again.
Moreover ,as far as I'm concerned ,staying with a man and having kids for him doesn't make him your husband or people does it ? You may correct me if I'm wrong .

ORAGBON:
This world is wicked. Life has been unfair to me. I am encouraged to write my story as I have read many shocking stories on your blog. Mine will add to the others.
My name is Kate. I am 43 years old. My heart is heavy and troubled even as I wrote my story. My greatest fear is about hunting me.
I am from Ebonyi State. I met Tunji a Lagos boy ( omo eko) immediately after my secondary school and had no one to take care of me. My aunt who brought me to Lagos abandoned me because I objected to start using my body to make money(prostitution). I usually make money to take care of myself from Hawking. I was a tall beautiful young girl, very gifted in the right places. I was the type that get guys to look back or stare whenever i walked on the street. Everyday, I would would get offers from at least two or three men offering me money to sleep with them. But I was smart,I would tease them so they buy my goods but I never slept with any one of them. There was never a day I came back with my goods,I always sold out.
On one of the days I was out hawking stuff,I met this fine boy called Tunji. I think it was love at first sight.He was different. He spoke eloquently and was kind to me. We both fell in love with each other. It was like magic and everything happened with the speed of lightening.Instantly, Tunji asked me to move in with him in his one room and I did without hesitation, just to get away from where I was living. He was my first and only love, he introduced me to all his friends showing me off.
Immediately I moved in I told him my story. He didnt really believe I was a virgin. He thought my experience with men made me a LovePeddler. But when we did it the first time(had s*x) he was surprised. And I think he was very pleased I was was a virgin after all. That made him very proud of me. He would boast with me to his friends. (I think it was a guy thing). I thought that meant he loved me so much. Not too long,I became pregnant.
That, was the beginning of my woes!
When my pregnancy was three months, we went to see his parents. At first sight,I was rejected by Tunji’s parents. I was an Omo Ibo. They didnt want me. They called me all manner of names. Tunji did all he could to convince them but they didnt want to hear it. Tunji’s sisters were the worst. I dont even know hwy they hated me so much. If only I was smart at the time,I would have terminated the pregnancy and moved on with my life. But Tunji kept telling me all will be well and that I should be patient.
Tunji, was quite supportive and very encouraging during my pregnancy.However, things began to change as my stomach grew bigger. He became less kind. He would snap at every opportunity. As I got closer to my due date,He took me to stay with his mum. Both of us had no experience with pregnancy. My aunt didn’t want to set her eyes on me and I am an orphan.
During my stay with Tunji’s parents,I did everything within my power trying to please his mum and sisters but all to no avail. They didn’t care if I lived or die. They were mean to me. Even with my heavy stomach,they made me do their laundry. I was asked to pound yam for them several times. One time,I was pounding,I started to bleed. They didnt care. I called the neighbors who took me to the nearest hospital.
Thankfully,I gave birth to my first son after a difficult labour. When I was delivered, his mum and sis didn’t care and didn’t visit me in the hospital. This same neighbour took care of me, took me home after I was discharged . She would come to take care of my baby and I. After I returned to the house after giving birth,there was no night I didnt have a spiritual atack. Every night,I was afraid to sleep as I would fight in my dreams with Tunji’s mom and sisters. At a point she (Tunji mum) appear to me in a dream and said she will kill me If I don’t leave her son, and somehow I said to her in the dream you cannot kill me. The attacks were also physical. They would slap and beat me at any slightest provocation.
I returned to Tunji’s place after six months. It was tough,I used to cry and be sad but I managed through it all. Almost two years later,I took in again. This time,as soon as I told Tunji that I was pregnant,his behaviour changed totally.He started sleeping out and coming home late at night.Then I started having nightmares. Everyday, I will see either his mum or elder sister chasing me in dream. One day I woke and as I opened the front door, there was dead tortoise and some other fetish things.as
At that point, I knew I needed God for the battle....Read More


http://livelystones.com.ng/abandoned-rejectedyears-laterhe-lays-claim-to-my-children-pt-1/

As a girl friend who doesn't know if they guy will marry you or not , its not mandatory to cook or do laundry for the guy. If he is too busy or sick, its a different case.
Not after you stress your self , he picks another lady.

Nobodys:
Sweethrt you are not obligated to anything okay........ as long as he isn't obligated to Anything also........washing and cleaning should be voluntary not mandatory...tell him NO when you are tired ..you are not a nanny Biko.... I made dis clear to my ex the day he was boiling rice and I was preparing to go home..his sister came in and hell came up because am in the house and her brother was preparing rice....... kikikiki.... since that day I realized it would never work between us and we have broken up for good...not cause of that though....


my point is.... it's not mandatory, its voluntary just like every other things in a relationship.

This is really serious.

You dont discuss with women ?

fuckboys:
I hate talking with women, I talk with my niggas and hommies only. When I'm with a woman it's for FÛCKS sake shikena!!!

Communication is the life of any relationship.

Text

Voice Call

Images

ETC.

Romanic:
We all want to be able to talk to our spouses better. We want the conversation to be deeper, funnier, calming, or simply just more. But then real life settles in and we have work, children, school and events to attend.

The busy schedules lead to shorter and shorter conversations and sometimes you don’t even have time to talk the whole day, and you only text to communicate. With shorter conversational time periods the opportunities to mis-communicate increase. Not only are miscommunication likely to happen, but also the deep bond you had at the beginning of your marriage might change. It might even feel like you don’t know your spouse as much.

You want to get to know them again; you want to be able to share your thoughts with them, but it seems almost impossible.

Here are secrets to make it easier to communicate with your spouse:

Make small talk

You have to build the foundation. You can’t expect to have these deep conversations if you can’t simply sit and talk about simple things. Sometimes this is hard to start. Focus on keeping the conversation light and staying away from previous fights you’ve had.

“In spite of seeming to have little useful purpose, small talk is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance.” You bond through the experience of small talk. You need both the deep and the light conversations in your marriage. The easiest way to build up your conversations is to start small. You will never get to know their deep feelings if you can’t carry on a small conversation— proving to your spouse that you care about what they are saying by listening and making eye contact.

Don’t just ask about emotional experiences… share them (or just share about yourself)

Sometimes we want to just ask and ask and try to get our spouse to tell us their inner-most thoughts, but people don’t share their vulnerabilities unless they feel those feelings and sentiments will be reciprocated. When we are vulnerable with our spouse, they will be more likely to be vulnerable with us. We have to give some to receive some.

This is a balance though because you can’t make it all about you. According to Psychology Today, “Finding a healthy balance between talking and listening is difficult in most relationships, but even harder as you get to know each other, so it’s important you both get a chance to talk and listen.” It’s normal for couples to struggles with this balance, but it’s one of the most important parts of your relationship to work on.

Ask questions— don’t assume you know the answers

Sometimes we think we know what the person is going to say. We assume too much. Psychology Today says, “Knowing that you are being heard is one of the experiences most likely to cement a feeling of connection to another.” You can only be heard if someone is listening.

Therefore, you can’t assume if you want your spouse to feel heard. They need to be able to express their feelings in a safe environment, which only comes from asking questions and actively listening to the answers.

Spend time together

If you want to have good conversations you have to put in the time. The more face to face conversations you have the better. The more time you spend together the easier it will be to listen, share and express feelings or thoughts.

Bonus: Laugh together

We’ve all heard laughter is the best medicine— it can heal the relationship and the awkward conversations. If you want your relationship to be deeper and be able to have deeper conversations, don’t be afraid to laugh instead of getting angry (sometimes this means you have to be willing to laugh at yourself).

You and your spouse have a beautiful relationship. Use these tips to help make your conversations deeper and more meaningful. Don’t be afraid to talk to your spouse and express your love for them.

http://livelystones.com.ng/secrets-better-conversations-spouse/

What is the fuss about living on the Island versus living on the mainland?

A Nigerian Twitter user has sparked up an argument after stating that she would rather be single than move to the mainland because of marriage.

What word do you have this Island babe.

http://livelystones.com.ng/island-or-mainland-nigerian-lady-says-id-rather-stay-single-if-marriage-means-moving-to-the-mainland/

We all want to be able to talk to our spouses better. We want the conversation to be deeper, funnier, calming, or simply just more. But then real life settles in and we have work, children, school and events to attend.

The busy schedules lead to shorter and shorter conversations and sometimes you don’t even have time to talk the whole day, and you only text to communicate. With shorter conversational time periods the opportunities to mis-communicate increase. Not only are miscommunication likely to happen, but also the deep bond you had at the beginning of your marriage might change. It might even feel like you don’t know your spouse as much.

You want to get to know them again; you want to be able to share your thoughts with them, but it seems almost impossible.

Here are secrets to make it easier to communicate with your spouse:

Make small talk

You have to build the foundation. You can’t expect to have these deep conversations if you can’t simply sit and talk about simple things. Sometimes this is hard to start. Focus on keeping the conversation light and staying away from previous fights you’ve had.

“In spite of seeming to have little useful purpose, small talk is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance.” You bond through the experience of small talk. You need both the deep and the light conversations in your marriage. The easiest way to build up your conversations is to start small. You will never get to know their deep feelings if you can’t carry on a small conversation— proving to your spouse that you care about what they are saying by listening and making eye contact.

Don’t just ask about emotional experiences… share them (or just share about yourself)

Sometimes we want to just ask and ask and try to get our spouse to tell us their inner-most thoughts, but people don’t share their vulnerabilities unless they feel those feelings and sentiments will be reciprocated. When we are vulnerable with our spouse, they will be more likely to be vulnerable with us. We have to give some to receive some.

This is a balance though because you can’t make it all about you. According to Psychology Today, “Finding a healthy balance between talking and listening is difficult in most relationships, but even harder as you get to know each other, so it’s important you both get a chance to talk and listen.” It’s normal for couples to struggles with this balance, but it’s one of the most important parts of your relationship to work on.

Ask questions— don’t assume you know the answers

Sometimes we think we know what the person is going to say. We assume too much. Psychology Today says, “Knowing that you are being heard is one of the experiences most likely to cement a feeling of connection to another.” You can only be heard if someone is listening.

Therefore, you can’t assume if you want your spouse to feel heard. They need to be able to express their feelings in a safe environment, which only comes from asking questions and actively listening to the answers.

Spend time together

If you want to have good conversations you have to put in the time. The more face to face conversations you have the better. The more time you spend together the easier it will be to listen, share and express feelings or thoughts.

Bonus: Laugh together

We’ve all heard laughter is the best medicine— it can heal the relationship and the awkward conversations. If you want your relationship to be deeper and be able to have deeper conversations, don’t be afraid to laugh instead of getting angry (sometimes this means you have to be willing to laugh at yourself).

You and your spouse have a beautiful relationship. Use these tips to help make your conversations deeper and more meaningful. Don’t be afraid to talk to your spouse and express your love for them.

http://livelystones.com.ng/secrets-better-conversations-spouse/

This last christmas,specifically on Xmas Eve,I attended a party and met my ex, Larry. We didnt speak when we both saw each other but before the party ended,he sent for me and we talked,long story short,we reconnected and I ended up with him in his apartment. It was clear that we wanted to pick up from where we stopped. That is after almost two years apart.

Next Day,I sent a text to my boyfriend that we are done and I quickly moved on with Larry. My boyfriend tried to call me,text..begged me but I didnt respond to him anymore.

http://livelystones.com.ng/met-ex-christmas-want-back/

The traditional wedding ceremony between Uchechi, the medical doctor son of former finance minister, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala and Chioma Achebe, the granddaughter of the late literary icon Prof. Chinua Achebe, recently held in Umuahia, Abia State.

http://livelystones.com.ng/traditional-wedding-okonjo-iwealas-son-chinua-achebes-granddaughter/

Dear Nairanders,


This past 5th December, we marked the first anniversary of a colleague who passed. She was married, and aged forty-two. I remember her service of songs very clearly. A lot of people came to eulogize her. Most had grand things to say about her, even the ones she collided with, constantly. I realized that death makes us so blind to the faults we so earnestly seek in the departed, when they are alive.

One thing that was also heard on the lips of many, was how she has lived an unfulfilled life, as she died without bearing a child.

Recently, I was taught in Sunday school, that a marriage without children is not a fulfilled one, and had not achieved the purpose for which God created it.

Until November last year, I was engaged to someone I was older than. Apart from the age difference, the other major basis on which his male relatives refused to give their consent was my child-bearing abilities, having just passed the 30 year mark.

Using the clinical definition of the World Health Organization (WHO), infertility is defined as “a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve pregnancy after twelve (12) months of regular unprotected sexual intercourse”. Others have defined it as “a diminished or absent ability to conceive and bear offspring”.

It seems quite incongruous doesn’t it? We are touted to be Africa’s most populous nation with over 190 million Nigerians on the continent, and projected population estimate to hit 397 million by 2050. Yet 25% of couples still suffer from infertility; and 40 – 45% of all gynaecological clinics are infertility related. This percentile is also expected to rise. It begs the question, where are the children coming from? Or rather, where are the figures coming from?

Apart from the medical causes of infertility, such as endometriosis, some sexually transmitted diseases, a botched abortion, other reasons have been given for the disability which include technology, consumption of alcohol and carbonated drinks, use of bleaching creams, stress, prolonged use of some certain drugs and over exercise.

Nothing prepares anyone for the news.

Infertility is often viewed as something that happens to other people, until you are compelled to face the reality personally, months after deliberate consummation has taken place over and over again. The fear has been described as slow, crippling and gradually building to a crescendo it never reaches. The never knowing when.

I won’t pretend to know the pain myself; it is not my reality. But all I had to do was look into late Daddy Amadi’s eyes after church on Sundays. We would all flock to him and he would take us for ice cream. The Adeluwoye’s, the Molokwus’s, the Ichekwu’s, the Adeoguns, the Nzekwe’s and many more. We were a bunch. I watched his eyes take us all in and never understood that forlorn smile until I was older. He and Aunt Rhoda remained childless until his death.

For most people in other climes, adoption is often seen as a last resort when all else has failed. All else including IVF, Surrogacy, and other Assisted Reproduction Technology (ART) options. Others adopt despite having biological children.

In Nigeria, “all else” would normally include prayers at churches, mosques, the beach, the mountains, traditional places of worship and sometimes a combination of all three; the second wife option, and finally, medicine. Even then, it is more of fostering than adopting.

In surveys carried out in Teaching Hospitals across Nigeria, including Zaria, Ibadan, Enugu and Kano among couples with infertility, it was found that most people had a reasonable grasp of what adoption is about.

Most, however, would not consider adoption because they felt it was an expression of a lack of faith in God as they remained hopeful of child bearing and did not view adoption as a God ordained way of solving their infertility. It was almost synonymous with giving up that someday they would have a child of their own.

In a similar survey in Iran, among the same type of couples, even though some exhibited a willingness to adopt, some viewed adoption as not psychologically acceptable for them because it was alien to their culture and the degree of acceptance the child would have in the communal family.

When my colleague died and someone spoke about how her infertility had rendered her forty- two years on earth, meaningless, I remembered when Prime Minister, Theresa May was hounded by Andrea Leadsom, who said she (Andrea) “had more stake in the future because she had children” when considerations were up for Prime Ministership.

And by inference, what meaninglessness and lack of contribution to the future must have been the lives Mother Theresa of Calcutta, Barbara Taylor Bradford, William Blake, Coco Chanel, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Abdullah al- Baradouni brought to the world.

At church, in that fateful Sunday school class, I raised my hand and spoke for the first time. I told the class, rather not piously if I must say, that children were not the purpose of marriage. That if they were, God would have made it that people would only get pregnant after they got married. Secondly, children were not the measurement of a fulfilled marriage; that if you understood the purpose of your partner in your life, why you married that very person, and God’s vision for marriage it is a scared path that each couple bears individually. It was up to you find out what it was and ensure you live it. That is fulfillment.

Personally, when I was informed of my former fiancé’s family’s decision, it made me consider doing stupid things like trying getting to pregnant so they could endorse the marriage, despite the fact that it was a celibate relationship. I would have had sex, got pregnant and not married him, just out of spite; just to show them that I could do it. He must have believed I couldn’t too to have reneged; but who would that make me? To make a baby a pawn?

This was not considered with a desperation to get married to him on my part. Rather, it was a desperation borne out of an unwillingness to face a reality that I am not exempt from. Like a friend told me rather unkindly, you think you are getting younger. You are not. Very soon, your time will come and go.

The government should explain adoption in materials available in our indigenous languages. Doctors should also recommend adoption, not as an after-thought, but alongside other options to patients.

Religious figures should encourage Nigerians to embrace adoption. Adoption is a call to love which we can fulfill with the right environment without being judged or questioned. It is a theme that is central to all our beliefs.

As someone wrote in the United Kingdom’s Independent Newspaper, “…whether or not your cervix dilated to 10cm once has very little bearing on your happiness”

The truth is that for some couples, it does. But if you are willing, I ask, have you considered adoption?

“Adoption… not a fall back plan option or because you can’t have our own. But wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the very parent he called you to be”.

Happy New Year, Nigeria. May the year be kind to us all.

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