₦airaland Forum

@ gaggi,I'm not looking for pity from anyone.I'm just sharing my experience for other people to learn from. I've taken my decision. Btw,this is my thread abi?

coogar: real women make their marriages work. cowards & selfish women run & abandon their marriages.

How about someone like my husband who runs away from home weeks on end? Is he not a coward? Is he not selfish? The real cowards are people like me who can't stand up against oppression,who are more concerned about what people would say....

OAA82: I'm married to an abusive man. To the outside world, he is a nice man and to be honest he is a good husband 90 percent of the time. When he gets angry(at seemingly silly things) I feel the full weight of his anger. He kicks, punches, slaps and uses his belt.

It's been happening since I got married. To be honest, he hit me about 6 months to our wedding and I called it off but was convinced otherwise. I was told it was a one off thing, was told its obvious he loves me, was told he is a good man, give him a chance. Fast forward 6 years down the line and here I am. Each time it happened, I believed it was the last, told my self it will not happen again but it always did.

I've come to realise it will happen again, I've stopped fooling myself. I'm financially independent and I could easily move on with my life. I don't know why I stay(I think it's because he is a good husband most of the time).

I have 2 children, my head tells me to run for my life......

I've made up my mind and that is it! I'm taking a loooonnng walk. I'm giving myself a month to get my acts together and leave.i deserve better than I'm getting.rubbish.

Na wah o

swag queen: Have you been battered and abused in whatever way by your spouse, relatives, spouse's family (for widows) etc Then come here let's talk! Tell your story and read about other people's experiences too. You never know,help might come from the advice we get here. And we could save lives.

Btw,counsellors are also invited to counsel us.

Thanks for sharing.....

Thread derailed o. If a man or woman builds a wall around his/her phones,sometimes puts them in his pockets while sleeping,goes to the rest room with them etc,what does it signify?

The pain that penetrates the deepest in our hearts is that which is inflicted by people we love and trust.

Donxavier: Great. Good to know you are on the right path. In your own mind, do you still think your marriage is redeemable? Does your husband care about his kids?

He's presently left the house. The abusive words are way beyond what you can imagine. He loves
his kids to death and has said he would take care of them if i decide to leave with them.

Donxavier: Hmmmn .....Ok what do you want to do going forward?

I've already told my parents and they are supportive.I've started calling my contacts at CAC to send clients my way.my sister wants to send things from America that i can sell wholesale so I'm negotiating with managers of some supermarkets here.

My MIL and FIL say i shouldn't leave but um gonna bid time.at least to garner some money to take care of myself n the kids.

Laja Laba: Can i share my story too?

pls share with us.let's draw strength from one another.

Nashville: I have told you to send me your CV!

Pls hold on Der me pls.thanks.will send it asap

mysticgal: why do i think this story is a script

Mysticgal,I'm only praying that you don't meet my kind of husband. One day,he was shouting at me in his usual way and my 2 yr old daughter said "mum, don't mind daddy.if he beats you,I'll beat him!)

He banned me from having access to the internet when my elder sister prepared a c.v for me and sent to my email addy.he has my passwords but i don't have his and don't wanna know either.

Donjazzy12: As usual the lesbians are here advising her to leave him and be welcome into their arms! people don't be fooled, this is a Lesbian recruitment thread! Their strategy is very simple: paint all men as wife beaters and beasts and then suggest women as better alternatives. If you must condemn then you must condemn violence in totality. Many cases abound where women beat and even kill their husbands! @Swagqueen, I really need to understand your situation very clearly to offer advice. Therefore, please supply answers to this questions pls.

1, Was he abusing you this way when you were still dating? If yes why did you then go ahead to marry him?

2, Were you influenced by your parents to marry him? I am asking because the age difference of 13 years is a little too much in my opinion and that may explain why he treats you the way he does because he may still think you are a kid.

3, Do you have an abrasive or confrontational nature? If yes then you may need to tone it down a bit. Even in a lesbian relationship there is always a dominant figure.

4, If he stops beating you will you still want to work? i[/b]f the answer is no then you have very low drive and he just did you a favor.

5, [b]What actions or words do you use that infuriate him soo much? Do you abuse him verbally? The truth is most men respond to verbal abuse with a backhand. It happens every where even in the US.




Finally, let me state in very strong terms that I condemn every form of domestic abuse be it verbal or physical against children, men or women. Every body in the family should be treated well.

Its in him.he said the only language women understand is violence. He even bragged about beating up a girl in U.K.

druid06: SWAG QUEEN.

Firstly, I think this whole story is a well planned fabricated one. I might be wrong though but if I am then, I think you enjoy playing the victim and also the sympathy people shower you with. It just doesn't add up when a man would be this cruel and you still lived in that household. You claimed to be a lawyer. I'm not sure if you're practicing or if you've passed the bar but there's a lot of job opportunity for women mostly in the banking industry.

I have never once read a part where your parents interfered with this abuse. Surely if you kept it away from them just to save your "marriage" it would have surely found a way into their ears and I have never seen any parent or sibblings who would remain idle and let their child be abused for any reason whatsoever.

If there's any iota of truth in this story then it means you're a fool and one of those lazy women who just want to sit at home, grow fat and let the husband put food on the table. Get out of that hostile environment with your kids. Go back to your family or friends. I'm sure they would have you with open hands, get off your lazy butt and go look for employment. There're plenty of fish in the sea.

Since your "husband" isn't the one, there are countless numbers of eligible bachelors out there. Get your life back together, take control of your life, work, take care of your children and if you feel you still want to be with a man then go out dating, if otherwise be determined and put your time and determination into your work. The sky is just the beginning babe.

Sorry for the harsh words. It's tough love babe.

Lol.thanks.i was just fresh out of law school when we met.i started practising corporate law in 2007 but he wasn't pleased with that.his reason? It was exposing me to guys.i still continued until we married in Dec. 2009 and i moved from my state.he promised to get clients for me even though i took in almost immediately but all thatmwas a farce until he eventually came out and said he was going to start a business for me. Time ticked.....what's going on? Well,u know we are still a young couple. Give me some time.till today.

God bless all of you!

@Nashville,I'll send my c.v asap.

Thanks a million everyone.

Les: don't you have brothers?

One elder brother and a younger brother. I've never told them any of these things. His brothers beat up his sister's husband and even locked him up for beating their sister.he was away in America else he would have taught the man a lesson.

Nashville: Very contradictory statement from mother in law. All men beat their wives but her own husband never beat her. Dont listen to them o, they are siding him blindly and I can bet her husband did the same. All men do not beat their wives. But did he ever show this kinda trait before marriage. Please be truthful!

We dated for two years and pls don't blame me,he beat me once in those two years but apologized profusely for a long long time. Once i separated from him for four months while we were dating for the lack of respect he always exhibited towards me (he would call,complain about something and hang up on me.i never ever hang up on people.i see it as being disrespectful) but then,the first time,u always think he'll change.

@ujuJoan, u've made me laugh.


God bless you all who have taken time out to soothe my pain and allay my fears,comforting me with kind and funny words.May God bring helpers your way and may your wells never run dry.


I'm still here o.

steph7: In addition to this, I'll also add friends, if your man keeps close friends that are abusive to their spouses , there is a 90% chance that one day he'll hit you due to peer pressure.

For real! He started going after girls when he started mingling with a certain man and his friends. My mum called him and told him about the man and he quickly defended him saying people were just blackmailing him.

Nashville: Unfortunately, I have nothing to share but an advice to young people still dating.

Dont be blinded by love, money, sway etc. Background is very important. Most abusive men come from abusive homes. The first marriage we all know and see is our parents and the way our parents conduct themselves in marriage would have a strong influence in how we conduct ourselves in marriage. We are their offspring. So young people should research family background before saying "I do". He might be sounding all romantic and all that. But the day you offend him after marriage, all he will remember is how his dad beat the hell out of his mum for the same offense some years back. Then he begins to ask himself why he should not do the same to you.

My advice also goes to guys. Abuse no get gender. Some girls go about verbally abusing their husbands because that was what they also saw. And some even go physical. Shine ya eye before marriage, because after marriage na prayer remain o!

MIL says FIL has never laid a finger on her.that he doesn't have the money to beg her afterwards! The first time he beat me after our marriage,MIL said well,all men beat their wives! Haba!

He's a control freak and The sister says the only woman capable of staying with him is one who would just sit back,relax and watch without talking! What insanity. Just sit relax,she says.

We dated for 2 years and have been married for 4 yrs.yet nothing to show for it.


Btw,this thread is for all abused people. Am i the only abused person here? Lets share our stories and draw strength from one another. Thanks

pickabeau1: Please do that

Being empowered is crucial to cast off the net of oppression

What is the decision of your parents?

My dad is ok with any decision i take. My mum says forgive,forget and stay!

debrief08: The greatest tool In the hands of most abusers is financial power.
They use sweet words to get you totally depending oon them and when they know you are dependent on them they proceed to cut you off from family and friends who can speak sense to you.

True that! Well,he has asked me to leave his house! That he will take care of his children by paying into my dad's account.that since i want to work,i should go and look for a job and take care of myself. He suddenly started asking me what impact I've made in his life. (Pls what does he mean by that)

Tobiegal: Maybe you could plan your exit for some time.

Now, if you say he gets all lovey dovey for some months, you can channel you urgent request to start a business or a job in d most lovey dovey way! You could even start applying and possibly get a job offer and tell him in d best of moods...

Sort out the best way to move on with your life with your child within a certain period...

And just move out when all is set.

justthinking...

Hahahaha...... once,i tried convincing him to pay stipend into my account monthly just as savings,he went about telling people that it was my mum that put me up to it.that was how i forgot that one.he makes sure i don't hold any cash on me. He shops for the kids and says since my MIL drives,she can be doing the household shopping. Even airtime for my phones come from him. Quite pathetic!

Chillisauce: @ swag queen, you are a lawyer...I bet you never had the chance to practice. You should start now. Go to law firms and apply for even for internship. They might not pay you money but you will gain the experience that would boost your chance of gainfully employed.

Forget what anyone will say, you have to be there to take care of your kids. God forbid anything happens to you in the future, your kids will suffer in another woman's hand.

Make your choice today

Practised a bit but only corporate practise.but after our marriage,i moved from my place. I've started reconnecting with my contacts though.

!

uboma: Have you told his parents what you are passing through at home? Are your parents also aware? Why do you still insists on living under the same roof with him? You have rights as a human and such should be respected at all times (you are a Lawyer, so you should know better). Learn to beat the fear you have of your husband. If you become unafraid of him, other things will fall in shape. Trust me...

His mum presently lives with us and takes everything he says.tells initially,my mum was supportive but relapsed after a while urging me to forgive and forget! I told her that if i forgive and forget,he'll come back home and the cycle begins. Lovey dovey for one month,two,three and then a flimsy reason to be beaten up! When he talks,no one talks! If u walk away,u're walking out on him! I'm just scared he might take my daughter away from me.

His sister keeps saying that if i leave,I'll be the one to lose.(which is true in a sense) but cuming from a divorcee whose husband battered until she ran for her life,i wonder what this world's turning into. She says many women want to be married to him and that as I'm the "lucky one",i should stay and still show him love. Till the day i die?

I'm pained,I'm crying,my heart is heavy but no one understands my pain. He's gone for a week now and my daughter keeps asking when daddy is coming back. I'm at my lowest ebb emotionally and all people can say is stay for the sake of the children.

I have no more self-esteem. He has abused,battered and violated me. He tells me things that make me feel I'm worth nothing. I'm tired!

My husband's folks are loyal to him because ofnthe things he does for them and therefore,no one talks to him.he's a lord on his own. And of course the issue of infidelity comes to play too. He monitors my every move and is free to do whatever he likes,go wherever he likes and the last time,i saw a particular number of a female that he saved with a man's name,when i talked, he went ahead to call me names again. Came to beat me up as usual but for once in my life.my i stood up to him and told him never to try it! I guess that scared him a bit cos he dropped the weapon he wanted to use in hitting me..... i got advice from well-meaning friends to leave his place and go to my parent's house to heal but knowing him,he would never come for us.

It means i have to start life afresh. 30 years with no money in the bank,with two children and no job! God!

My husband is 13 years older than i am. He's short tempered and is way too self-opinionated. What he says is law and if i don't "carry out" his instructions, I'm insubordinate and disloyal. Which of course fetches me the beating of my life. He says i don't have to work (I'm a lawyer) that he has the capacity of providing for me and our two kids. Consequently,when there is any disagreement,he leaves the house for weeks and won't give me money. I'll have to start begging even when he's at fault! The last straw was when he beat me up with my nine months pregnancy! (Four days to the birth of my son). We were visiting my folks and were lodged in a hotel.he suggested i spend some hours with the kids in my parents house since he wanted to rest.i consented of course. On getting back,i saw hair littered every where on the sheets. I asked him if he had company and he flew into a rage,calling me names and then the beatings started. How long can i put up with this?

Btw,every one around thinks I'm enjoying marriage because i hardly tell anyone what I'm going thru.

pickabeau1: @swaggaqueen

Why don't you share your story first

I sure will....

@debrief,vanitty and bellong,thanks for your support.

@kulyie,my prayer is that nobody experiences the kind of pain most of us go through in the name of marriage.

Communication is key. Do you know if he's in prison or in some kind of difficult situation. Why don't you sort it out with him. Tell him how you feel and what you intend to do.

Please my dear channel your energy into bringing up those two kids God blessed you with. Fun can wait. Remember that if you date another man now,it's adultery. You can do things that make you happy with the kids. Live your life.