ehiblessing: We women have to knw what we want in a marriage b4 we go in, nobody is too big 4 an abuse, my husband beat me once and he can say what he went tru to get me back, cos i ve always said that a man cannot beat me but when it happened i took a bold step and left d hux with my phones switch off i did not even tell anybody at home, but had to cos of my families concern. And when we where called to explain wht happened d only thing i could say was if he tried d rubbish again i wud leave his hux without coming back and i meant it cos i dont c any reason why i shd be at an abuSive marriage.

the only and I repeat, the only solution is this and not necessarily being financially stable. Ask the banker who was killed by her husband. Ladies, stop trying to change your man, you can only do that in your grave.

chidyhels:
why look for escape route when u can address the cause and enjoy a happy life?

read my above post, that only happens in wonder land. And nobody holds the key to anyone's happiness, don't you think so?? She can be happy with anyone anywhere,any day and only her can make it happen. Do you wanna spend your life fixing things that you ain't sure of it's possible outcome?? We only live once sweetie but love numerous times, if I were the op, go for the later.

Donxavier:

Great. Good to know you are on the right path. In your own mind, do you still think your marriage is redeemable? Does your husband care about his kids?

He's presently left the house. The abusive words are way beyond what you can imagine. He loves
his kids to death and has said he would take care of them if i decide to leave with them.

Most Nigerians talk nonsense most of the time, they are experts in giving advise, yet no one is capable of solving the many issues plaguing Nigeria.

They are experts in giving success tips, yet no unique idea or innovation to emerge out of Nigeria.

Look at the advices here, people extrapolate advises only feasible in the west, and give them to a person in Nigeria, a country with an entirely fu*k up justice system, & poor human rights record.

Someone was even sighting JK Rowlings as an example, is JK Rowlings a Nigerian, was she in Nigeria? OMG naivety at its peak.

OP heed some of these advices here at your peril, you'd be back here to tell the tales.

25Calibre:


As touching as your story may be, its obviously one sided. ( I'm not justifying your beating )

It will be nice if we can get your husband's side of the story, because you can't tell us you are a saint. You've been met with so much sympathy on this thread, but in the interest of fairness, your husband side of the story must be heard, to avoid jumping hastily into conclusion.

Nobody beats a saint, even Nebuchadnezzar so please do tell us your wrongdoings as well.

Your well written does not hide the fact that you're an apologist for abuse, which means you could do the same and possible an abusist yourself!

No one is a saint, does that mean they should be beaten. Even if she's done things does not give anyone the right for her partner to abuse her phyiscally or otherwise.

Stop making apologies for abuse or asking for fairness for an abuser. It only draws attention to the calibre of man you !

I don't know the kind of men some women raise honestly!

swag queen: !

His mum presently lives with us and takes everything he says.tells initially,my mum was supportive but relapsed after a while urging me to forgive and forget! I told her that if i forgive and forget,he'll come back home and the cycle begins. Lovey dovey for one month,two,three and then a flimsy reason to be beaten up! When he talks,no one talks! If u walk away,u're walking out on him! I'm just scared he might take my daughter away from me.

Ma'am on no aCcount shuld U̶̲̥̅̊ leave U̶̲̥̅̊я̣̣̥ matrimonial home...dis ȋ̝̊̅§ d means d devil wants 2 use 2 break U̶̲̥̅̊я̣̣̥ home..it ȋ̝̊̅§ also U̶̲̥̅̊я̣̣̥ home..pls stay and find a means of putting a stop 2 his bad attitude

25Calibre: Most Nigerians talk nonsense most of the time, they are experts in giving advise, yet no one is capable of solving the many issues plaguing Nigeria.

They are experts in giving success tips, yet no unique idea or innovation to emerge out of Nigeria.

Look at the advices here, people extrapolate advises only feasible in the west, and give them to a person in Nigeria, a country with an entirely fu*k up justice system, & poor human rights record.

Someone was even sighting JK Rowlings as an example, is JK Rowlings a Nigerian, was she in Nigeria? OMG naivety at its peak.

OP heed some of these advices here at your peril, you'd be back here to tell the tales.

You're an idiot and suspected abuser. JK Rowlings was an example you slowpoke. Isn't it the same set of pricples and driving force? No two circumstances are similiar anyway not even if both women were Nigerian or British.

You're obviously a man with some degree of sense. However your problem is you want to make excuses for other Nigerian wife beaters.

Please note, any man who advises a women to stay in an abusive relation is a potential suspect of the same.

The pain that penetrates the deepest in our hearts is that which is inflicted by people we love and trust.

dowjones: sorrystories.com! I will not mind standing as the bad guy but i'll drop my 2 cents.

Any matured mind will know, it is wrong to listen to one side of a story, especially the WOMAN'S side. Laced with tears and self-righteousness, a woman WILL never say what REALLY triggered the abuse. I AM AGAINST ANY FORM FORM OF ABUSE but some men are not particularly diplomatic or patient. The woman must have seen these traits during courtship and early parts of the marriage yet they still dont know how to handle thier man.

Men who exhibit "abusive" traits are usually victims of extremely strict upbringing, where perfection is required at all times or they've been played by women (ex-girlfriends). Men like this will transfer this "discipline" or pain to his household if that part of him is triggered.

I grew up in a home where my Dad constantly abused my mom verbally,he'd leave the house for months but he made sure we had more than enough. I grew up hating him and this hate remains but even as a child i knew MY MOM WAS USUALLY THE CAUSE ! (RIP to her soul but she was the cause). She was forgetful and careless and he was a perfectionist. her carelessness caused a fire that burned our house and 2 houses on our street (and this is is one of the many things)
There must be days ur husband is sincerely loving and "normal". Ask him what you do that pisses him off and after that, tell him you will change but he has to stop the abuses for the sake of the kids. (asking what pisses him off works like magic)

I have talked too much..and its a sign of the end times!

Nobody is a saint; I will agree

Would your father have liked it if your mom always abused him when he wronged her?

Did you know that the thought/ pain of your dad abusing her is enough for her to continue to err?

if he was a perfectionist, why did he not marry one?

Look up the definition of love in 1 Cor 13: 1 - 8

Nashville:

That is why moderators should watch the kind of stories they put on frontpage. Matured people on the family section were already advising her. Now that it's on frontpage, little children like you are also commenting. Moderators, please take off frontpage please. Stuff like this is only for matured minds not for little children from the village.

He isn't really a little child judging by the quality of his write up. This is classic case of someone who doesn't see the big deal in people being beaten up and probably someone who'd indulge in same.

showoff:

please read the story on page 3. Thanks.

I like your courage and I admire your strength.

Don't worry, God will surely give you a man who deserves you and respects your values as a woman.

It is well!

Zik4zik: Swag queen and the rest of you that has been abused in you relationship I am really sorry about your situation. These are my advice and you must take it seriously no matter how difficult it seemed. For those of you that are still dating please end the relationship immediately. But for Swag queen and the others here who are married please NEVER EVER leave your home no matter what. You swore for better for worse... DON'T EVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME FOR ANY REASON. The mind of an abusive married man works like a clock, it eventually gets back to its right senses but if you had already left the house by then lots of irreparable damages might have been done such as him already impregnating someone else or having a kid. I am not saying you should let him beat you to death. No... That's not my intention. The truth is that a man in such situation is actually suffering, he needs help, he knows what he is doing is wrong but he can't help himself, he wants to stop but he can't. Haven't you ever wondered why he beats you with so much hate and rage yet he feels extremely insecure and monitors your every move. He feels insecure because deep inside him you remain his source of strength, he knows he is lost without you. As a wife in such situation, you need to put him in prayers, when you pray, cry in your prayers and let him hear you pray and cry but try not to be too loud. Let him hear you pray for his protection and success, do this every night(2am) for seven days. And for God sake you already knows he beats you when you talk back at him so PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE from today let him have his way, don't talk back at him, when you findout that he has slept with other ladies keep it to yourself and talk to your God about it. Once you learn to control your tongue, you have taken away his strength over you because there is nothing for him to hold as a reason for beating you. These are simple logic that works and if you can continue like this for 3weeks or more he will gradually revert to his old loving self. But when you confront him or talk back at him, the devil seizes an opportunity to take over his rage and he gets uncontrollably angry towards you and the beating starts again. Please read this post over and over until you master all that I have written in it. Remember, before he married you there were over a million women on earth but he chose you because you meant every thing to him but now he has a cloud over his eyes and you must help him get past his weaknesses by praying for him and keeping your tongue in check... DON'T TALK BACK

See another one o. Naija ! Which way forward

AjanleKoko:

Not at all.
But there is a very distinct social stigma associated with divorced women in Nigeria. It has nothing to do with the woman's income.
And of course you are likely to not get any support from anybody if you report your husband to the police in Nigeria. Neither your family nor your husband's.

What/ where is the social stigma? Who is stigmatizing her?

swag queen:
He banned me from having access to the internet when my elder sister prepared a c.v for me and sent to my email addy.he has my passwords but i don't have his and don't wanna know either.

Swag queen, is it possible to create another email for job hunting & related matters alone without his knowledge?

If he goes through your phone, please ensure you delete your browsing history, sms, calls etc; anything that will give him ideas that you are on to something.

Also when you browse, don't forget to close all applications opened and delete anything info that will give you away.

That man is a bully and a chronic oppressor; he doesn't want to you do something with your life. He want you to always be subservient to him FOREVER!!!

Sometimes and reading threads like this,I think educated women are the problem of women in Nigeria A whole lawyer riga nsi a n'aka nwoke biko ?
I see some women,fly and cool in their mansions in Lekki,all they do is sleep and shop the man makes all the money. Suggest to them to get something no matter how small or insignificant and they'll term you a hater.I do hope that single females are taking notes.

bukatyne:
What/ where is the social stigma? Who is stigmatizing her?

the society, duh!

In as much as I believe this is a script, this like this do happen. Presently I have a friend who has been in this kind of marriage for close to 13 years. I really do not know how she has survived all these years and is till alive. The OP's experience is sweet patotoes when compared to hers. With 4 children and jobless. The police station has become their regular base and friends have advised her to leave the marriage, but she is still there for reasons best known to her. I pray she lives to tell her story.

Zik4zik: Swag queen and the rest of you that has been abused in you relationship I am really sorry about your situation. These are my advice and you must take it seriously no matter how difficult it seemed. For those of you that are still dating please end the relationship immediately. But for Swag queen and the others here who are married please NEVER EVER leave your home no matter what. You swore for better for worse... DON'T EVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME FOR ANY REASON. The mind of an abusive married man works like a clock, it eventually gets back to its right senses but if you had already left the house by then lots of irreparable damages might have been done such as him already impregnating someone else or having a kid. I am not saying you should let him beat you to death. No... That's not my intention. The truth is that a man in such situation is actually suffering, he needs help, he knows what he is doing is wrong but he can't help himself, he wants to stop but he can't. Haven't you ever wondered why he beats you with so much hate and rage yet he feels extremely insecure and monitors your every move. He feels insecure because deep inside him you remain his source of strength, he knows he is lost without you. As a wife in such situation, you need to put him in prayers, when you pray, cry in your prayers and let him hear you pray and cry but try not to be too loud. Let him hear you pray for his protection and success, do this every night(2am) for seven days. And for God sake you already knows he beats you when you talk back at him so PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE from today let him have his way, don't talk back at him, when you findout that he has slept with other ladies keep it to yourself and talk to your God about it. Once you learn to control your tongue, you have taken away his strength over you because there is nothing for him to hold as a reason for beating you. These are simple logic that works and if you can continue like this for 3weeks or more he will gradually revert to his old loving self. But when you confront him or talk back at him, the devil seizes an opportunity to take over his rage and he gets uncontrollably angry towards you and the beating starts again. Please read this post over and over until you master all that I have written in it. Remember, before he married you there were over a million women on earth but he chose you because you meant every thing to him but now he has a cloud over his eyes and you must help him get past his weaknesses by praying for him and keeping your tongue in check... DON'T TALK BACK

Excuse me, divorce being the last option should never be discouraged when violence is/was the norm in a relationship. This is exactly the problem why most women stay in abusive relationships because of what written in a book that was written centuries ago.
You can only support a man that wants to be supported not those devil reicarnated. Being married is not a do or die thing and absolutely nothing wrong in being single if that’s what’s going to provide the much needed peace of mind.

BTW: Those that need help should simply seek help without being prompted. He is a grown man and sure does know when the line has been crossed.
You can’t force a man to seek help especially when it’s obvious that there is absolutely no love in the relationship.


Lastly, the lasting impact of staying in an abusive relationship is far worse than the stigma one gets if divorce is the best option.

goldstarpamela:

Ma'am on no account should you leave your matrimonial home...dis is d means d devil wants 2 use 2 break ur home..it is also ur home..pls stay and find a means of putting a stop 2 his bad attitude

Lol!

If she could 'put a stop to her husband's bad attitude', she would not be here

I guess even if her husband wants to kill her, she should not leave.... it is better to be a glorified/dead Mrs. than to be a single living mom.

It is well

Madam get odff this thread and send your CV to Nashville jare

Zik4zik: Swag queen and the rest of you that has been abused in you relationship I am really sorry about your situation. These are my advice and you must take it seriously no matter how difficult it seemed. For those of you that are still dating please end the relationship immediately. But for Swag queen and the others here who are married please NEVER EVER leave your home no matter what. You swore for better for worse... DON'T EVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME FOR ANY REASON. He feels insecure because deep inside him you remain his source of strength, he knows he is lost without you. As a wife in such situation, you need to put him in prayers, when you pray, cry in your prayers and let him hear you pray and cry but try not to be too loud. Let him hear you pray for his protection and success, do this every night(2am) for seven days. And for God sake you already knows he beats you when you talk back at him so PLEASE

I actually laughed at the bolded. Seven days kwa? Issokay.

coogar:

the society, duh!

Which society? Who really in the society? At the end of the day, who really cares about you?

Anybody doing one thing or the other because of the 'society' has nothing to do in the first place.

When a person has no purpose/dream/ambition, anywhere becomes his/her destination.

Let her not live her life and be talking of society!

ifyalways: Sometimes and reading threads like this,I think educated women are the problem of women in Nigeria A whole lawyer riga nsi a n'aka nwoke biko ?
I see some women,fly and cool in their mansions in Lekki,all they do is sleep and shop the man makes all the money. Suggest to them to get something no matter how small or insignificant and they'll term you a hater.I do hope that single females are taking notes.

not all men are abusive....
some families are happy with only the husband bringing in the bacon with the wife taking care of the home front!

the problem is - nigerian women think physical abuse is the only form of abuse. married women in that country tonguelash their spouses and they expect a bouquet in return.

when a woman provokes a man, she should be ready to face the consequences. I don't tolerate any form of violence and by the same token, i don't tolerate any form of verbal abuse as well. mutual respect towards each other is the way to go.....

bukatyne:
Which society? Who really in the society? At the end of the day, who really cares about you?

which society? your society! the irony is it is the same female folk that would use her divorce status as a whip to flog her.

Anybody doing one thing or the other because of the 'society' has nothing to do in the first place.

not in a society where single women are seen as pröstitutes. are you aware some landlords would not rent their houses to single women of a marriageable age?

When a person has no purpose/dream/ambition, anywhere becomes his/her destination. Let her not live her life and be talking of society!

i really don't think you stay in nigeria....you either stay in chad or douala.

debrief08: Madam get odff this thread and send your CV to Nashville jare

She did!

coogar:

not all men are abusive....
some families are happy with only the husband bringing in the bacon with the wife taking care of the home front!

the problem is - nigerian women think physical abuse is the only form of abuse. married women in that country tonguelash their spouses and they expect a bouquet in return.

when a woman provokes a man, she should be ready to face the consequences. I don't tolerate any form of violence and by the same token, i don't tolerate any form of verbal abuse as well. mutual respect towards each other is the way to go.....

If they tongue-leash you, you tongue-leash back nah . . . . must you hit a woman? Must your beat a pregnant woman?

God forbid!

kadman:

You're an idiot and suspected abuser. JK Rowlings was an example you slowpoke. Isn't it the same set of pricples and driving force? No two circumstances are similiar anyway not even if both women were Nigerian or British.

You're obviously a man with some degree of sense. However your problem is you want to make excuses for other Nigerian wife beaters.

Please note, any man who advises a women to stay in an abusive relation is a potential suspect of the same.

I'm not an abuser and neither do I condone it. JK Rowlings had a different playing field, a place where there were people willing to stand up for her. Regardless of principles or driving force, if your society doesn't provide you with the necessities and a conducive environment, you are going nowhere.

The OPs situation is a quintessential case of the devil or the deep blue sea, there is no happy ending in this. She would have to sacrifice one for the other.

Considering how lawless Nigeria is, this OP goes through with some of the advises I've read here, I guarantee you she won't see her kids again till they are of age to seek her out.

So divorce might mean freedom, but at what expense? That's a choice she alone has to make.

A very important tip for surviving in Nigeria is - Do not fight with people above your station because when the chips are down, no one would save you.

ooua: In as much as I believe this is a script, this like this do happen. Presently I have a friend who has been in this kind of marriage for close to 13 years. I really do not know how she has survived all these years and is till alive. The OP's experience is sweet patotoes when compared to hers. With 4 children and jobless. The police station has become their regular base and friends have advised her to leave the marriage, but she is still there for reasons best known to her. I pray she lives to tell her story.

You know someone first hand that this happened to, so why do you believe this is a script? Because it's well written and explained. Goes to show it can happen to anyone. It's doesn't happen solely to illiterates and poor women. Look at someone above saying his father beat his mother and she deserved it because she's careless. Couldn't the man seperate as their lifestyle was different? But he kept beating her. And we have the son here saying she deserved it.

Swag Queen pay attention, that's the kind of son you are raising. . .

Zik4zik: Swag queen and the rest of you that has been abused in you relationship I am really sorry about your situation. These are my advice and you must take it seriously no matter how difficult it seemed. For those of you that are still dating please end the relationship immediately. But for Swag queen and the others here who are married please NEVER EVER leave your home no matter what. You swore for better for worse... DON'T EVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME FOR ANY REASON. The mind of an abusive married man works like a clock, it eventually gets back to its right senses but if you had already left the house by then lots of irreparable damages might have been done such as him already impregnating someone else or having a kid. I am not saying you should let him beat you to death. No... That's not my intention. The truth is that a man in such situation is actually suffering, he needs help, he knows what he is doing is wrong but he can't help himself, he wants to stop but he can't. Haven't you ever wondered why he beats you with so much hate and rage yet he feels extremely insecure and monitors your every move. He feels insecure because deep inside him you remain his source of strength, he knows he is lost without you. As a wife in such situation, you need to put him in prayers, when you pray, cry in your prayers and let him hear you pray and cry but try not to be too loud. Let him hear you pray for his protection and success, do this every night(2am) for seven days. And for God sake you already knows he beats you when you talk back at him so PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE from today let him have his way, don't talk back at him, when you findout that he has slept with other ladies keep it to yourself and talk to your God about it. Once you learn to control your tongue, you have taken away his strength over you because there is nothing for him to hold as a reason for beating you. These are simple logic that works and if you can continue like this for 3weeks or more he will gradually revert to his old loving self. But when you confront him or talk back at him, the devil seizes an opportunity to take over his rage and he gets uncontrollably angry towards you and the beating starts again. Please read this post over and over until you master all that I have written in it. Remember, before he married you there were over a million women on earth but he chose you because you meant every thing to him but now he has a cloud over his eyes and you must help him get past his weaknesses by praying for him and keeping your tongue in check... DON'T TALK BACK

I am going to pretend like I did not see this

This woman needs a JOB!!

Damn!! I'm soo sad

Thanks Nash and stay bleesed.

Ujujoan:
If they tongue-leash you, you tongue-leash back nah . . . . must you hit a woman? Must your beat a pregnant woman?

God forbid!

well - a man with a razor tongue would kowtow her but how many men are blessed with a caustic tongue? most men talk less and let their actions speak for them.

verbal abuse can lead to provocation. provocation can lead to a physical abuse. both parties must embrace mutual respect. it's impossible for a man to wake up to start beating his wife without any reason. i will never believe such tales.

25Calibre:


I'm not an abuser and neither do I condone it. JK Rowlings had a different playing field, a place where there were people willing to stand up for her. Regardless of principles or driving force, if your society doesn't provide you with the necessities and a conducive environment, you are going nowhere.

The OPs situation is a quintessential case of the devil or the deep blue sea, there is no happy ending in this. She would have to sacrifice one for the other.

Considering how lawless Nigeria is, this OP goes through with some if the advises I've read here, I guarantee you she won't see her kids again till they are of age to seek her out.

So divorce might mean freedom, but at what expense? That's a choice she alone has to make.

A very important tip for surviving in Nigeria is - Do not fight with people above your station because when the chips are down, no one would save you.

That's where you are wrong . . . . Divorce will definitely mean freedom(no 'might' here); and might even mean her own life.

If the man can still beat her mercilessly at 9-months pregnancy, it means he's a brute and is capable of killing her sef.

Better for her to leave now and see her kids later than stay and die in the process!

I have a cousin whose husband battered her to death so I'm talking from first class experience . . . . he's married to some other woman now and God knows what has become of their poor son!