₦airaland Forum

This is a nice thread started by SAM MILLA. The only advice I would like to give is that, we should avoid information that is not 100% accurate. I think I must have spent one or two days in Amsterdam, but I wouldn`t describe it as having more blacks than, say, some areas of London, or that blacks there have something special going for them. In fact, the entire population of Amsterdam is less than 1million while london has 6million. No doubt a great city by any standards of measurement, but definitely not the best refuge for blacks in Europe. Cheers!

The truth is that those of us with inferior brains would nerver see anything wrong in what BA did. [b]Anyway, I just want to urge those that care to make sure that they sign the petition on NVS, as well as spread the news- should the need for world-wide boycott arise. [/b]We aren`t helping anyone by so doing, but merely fighting for our dignity as Nigerians. Until the message is sent out that when you disrespect one Nigeria, you disrespect all Nigerians the way we are treated world-wide shall remain the same.
It was a game of cricket, but that didn`t stop the people of Pakistan ( including their Prime-minister ) from rising up recently when they were called `cheats`by a British umpire.
The treatment meted out on that flight is a metaphor for what most Nigerians experience world-wide, but that is just too difficult for some people to understand.

@modupsie

It`s often the case that if care is not taken, we would be going back and forth on this issue without any conclusion. But as I always say, what is important is for your friend to use our advice as a guide to the decision that she feels comfortable with- not the one that olanajim or Teriba feel comfortable with. Therefore I would like to round off and wish your friend the best of luck.
I believe that you know your friend better than I do, but from your postings, you seem to be more disposed to the Kano route. One of the things I would remind you is the fact that no one in love is ever in complete control of his/her senses, that is why the onus is on you, as a good friend, to be neutral on this issue. And based on what you have told us so far, I would tell you why your neutrality is essential.
I`ve talked about good judgement being of paramount importance in how we fare in life, no matter how often we pray and no matter how sure we are that we are God`s favourite. Based on what you`ve told us, your friend used to see today`s ex as a complete package ( just as she now sees the Kano boy ). Your friend used to think that his relationship with the person that has now become a villain was going to last for life ( just as she seems to be thinking now ). And once that was her conclusion, nothing else matters ( just as she seems to be doing now ). In fact she was so sure that she had found her `missing ribs` that she defiled her own parents to move in with him. So much so that after the first child was born she went for the second child. What this means is that we should take the euphoria emanating from Kano with a pinch of salt. That is why I will urge you to rise above words of the one that is heavily in love and treat her with your brain while she continues to use her heart.
As far as the ex`s infidelity is concerned, what you revealed to us is very important. These two started very well, then after a couple of years it went downhill. But I also remember that before the allegation of infidelity started to fly around, the ex had been told by your friend`s parents that marriage would have to wait until further notice. Please consider the psychological implication of that rebuff. And in combination with a partner that would go out to party without telling her man at home, it could be a very destructive mix in any house hold. The man is thinking in her head that his woman with her parents are up to something, which could make him lose faith in their relationship. You are likely to interpret this as holding brief for a womaniser, but I see this as maintaining a sense of balance in this conversation so that when you have to advise your friend you will be fair
Another thing you have not shared with us so far is what your friend considers to be the weaknesses of the Kano boy, or is he a saint?
Almondjoy has left no one in doubt as to how she would answer the following question. But as I ask you this question, I`m thinking that I`m chatting to an African modern woman not a western modern woman. The question is this: who do you think should be the most important person ( s ) in the life of your friend today 10-04-2008?
I would also like to draw your attention to the fact that the approach of the man to the custody issue may not necessarily remain the same ` mumu approach ` the moment he realises that your friend is not coming back to the house hold. Your friend may prepare for a couple of surprises, but then what do I know?

yemivictor:
My own concern is about the other youngster @ kano who seems to have a heart of gold!

Are his parents going to approve of his marrying an after two!?

I mean, we all know our culture & the way our parents are!!

God bless you for asking this almighty question!

~Lady~:
@Teriba
I beg to differ, not all men are dogs.

@Topic

I would advise her not to go back to her ex. She has found someone who accepts her as she is, flaws and all, she should thank God and pray with him for their relationship.
As for the children, she can get them back. She doesn't need to worry about raising the children in a stable family environment with her ex because that itself may not be stable. There's no stability in a home when mummy and daddy don't care for each other. We have this mentality that if you're with the father of your children then the family will be stable. What kind of an example is she setting for her daughters? That it's okay if they fall in love with the wrong guy as long as they stick it out? No.
She needs to stay away from her exa and try to get her girls back. More than likely the man doesn't want the children, he's only using them as a leverage.

What a breaking news! Do you really mean that all men are not the same? Thanks alot, I didn`t see that coming. Going by what I`ve been reading from our sisters on nairaland, I was thinking that all men are the same: selfish, disnonest and womanisers. OK, let`s move on then on that positive note. This issue has to do with our ability to link the past to the present so as to have a reasonable guess about the future. Since over 6 billion people in this world are calling on God and Jesus in all our prayers then it means that there must be something that we need to add in order to get a positive outcome. That is where our judgement and objectivity come in. Is it possible for me to advise someone to just leave her boyfriend/husband until I`ve heard what he`s done wrong? Would it be right and proper for me to give such advice without looking at the options available? I`m truly worried that the moment someone comes here for advice on relationships, there is a separation brigade that is too quick to scream ` leave him` or `dump her`. In this case the urge to do that is so high that we don`t even bother to ask the poster the kind of problems the ex is giving the poster`s friend. No, that is unnecessary, what is important is that she is happy elsewhere and that is it.
One of the problems we have on our hands here has to do with the options available to the poster`s friend. The only option we are discussing happens to be a 20something Nigerian bachelor who is promising heaven and earth to a good woman. The fact of the matter is, he has seen this woman who looks pretty and decent and, most importantly, still available. Now there is a bubble building up in Kano that is not taking cognizance of Lagos reality. However, the reality in Lagos is that two kids are living with a dad that is thinking about the options available to him. Now that he`s going to hear the fact that the mother of his children is gone for ever, this scenario would then assume a new dimension, and it is this that would deliver Lagos reality to the new lover. Truth is, up until now, the guy in Kano hasn`t tasted the practical manifestaion of his girl-friend`s status, that would come when he has to live with two children with their dad blowing hot and cold simultaneously. Do we know what he would do at that stage? Do we know what his parents would say at that point? I put all these factors into consideration before giving the advice I gave.
The kid`s dad is back. For the first time, she is in a position to dictate the terms of their relationship. Unless his flaws are life-threatening, or that he is a womanising alcoholic, I still believe that he is a better choice than the loverboy. Of course, the person here can choose to remain single or look for another man. But to say that she should leave this ex for this new guy is a decision pregnant with too many uncertanties.

This is an easy one! Your friend would have to ask herself a couple of questions. At what point in time did her children`s dad become a bad/different person? If that started after 3 or 4 years, how does she know that the guy she met 8-months ago would not become a bad boy after 3 or 4 years? The current boyfriend must have his own weaknesses, what are those? Does she know how he would react when he comes face-to-face with her own worst weaknesses?
From what you have said here, her current boyfriend is still in his 20s, right? Trust me, he is still developing, I`m sure you know what that means!
More importantly, you guys don`t seem to attach much importance to the fact that some kids are involved here. The next ten years would be the most important in the lives of those two kids, by then your friend would be in her 30s. Why is it that she can`t wait so as to bring those kids up before moving on, if she must? Those kids did not ask her to bring them into this world. She may think their dad would take a good care of them, but that may change the moment a step-mum come into the equation.
From the way I frame my response, you could see that I`m in favour of her remaining with the dad of those children. This is the time to read the riot act to him! Let her set the conditions that must be fulfilled before she can go back to him. The reasons why he is coming back now are the same reasons why the new guy wants to marry her; those reasons are embedded in her character and are not like to vanish in her 30s. They were happy together for 3 years before something happened, both of them need to discuss why. Should things remain unchanged, divorce is always an option. but by then, Your friend would have successfully brought up some wonderful children, and still be in her 30s. She won`t be losing much by so doing. Good luck!

POMPEY is it! I wonder where all the noise making fans of the big 4 in England would be come May 17. Anyway, wherever you are, the only team in the Premiership that could pass the ball through the eye of a needle would be out there to entertain and win. Quietly

@Emmanuel

From what you`ve said, it`s reasonable to conclude that you started dating the girl in Nigeria during one of your visits home. And notwithstanding that you`ve not really been able to spend much time together, you went ahead with engagement. Believe me, responsible people don`t get to treat engagement like a toilet paper discardable without the slightest compunctions
It`s very important to know whether you ever told the girl in Nigeria that if she didn`t change it may lead to the end of your relationship. There is a big difference between complaining to her about bottling up, and actually telling her that it has the potential to put the relationship in jeopardy.
It`s also relevant to cast your mind back to two years ago- when neither of these two was in your life; what did you see as the most unacceptable weakness(es) that a girl could have? If I had asked you this question two years ago, how would you have responded. Would you have included bottling up as a complete no-no? If not then, why now?
I agree with the people that said that you are being unfair to the girl in Nigeria- in more ways than one really. I mean, if you had always seen bottling up as a big deal why would you go ahead with engagement with that same person, or is it the case that it has now become a major issue because the girl in America is in the picture?
Since you have thought it wise to mention the wealthy backgrond of the girl in the States, that would suggest to me that, even if you are not poor yourself, you know that her family is wealthier than yours. You can downplay this to your heart`s content, but you need to be conscious of your ability to meet her taste. Of course this may not be an issue now, but it would become an issue after marriage.
Another big mistake you are making is to overlook the damage that hot-temper could cause. The question I will advise you to ask yourself is whether there is any reason(s) why the US girl should be getting angry at present; what is she angry about? Right, left and centre you seem to be doing well. In other words, if she can be showing anger now what would she show when things go wrong since life is no bed of roses. In a nutshell, what you are witnessing now is a tip of the iceberg. The one that does not show her anger immediately would be less prone to irrational reactions because she has had more time to process the issue in question.
Another thing you need to think about is the time it`s taken you to do all this. I mean, you met the girl in Nigeria a year ago and the one in the states just a couple of months later, isn`t it possible that you don`t even know either of them yet? So it might be necessary to slow down a little, take your time before making the next big decision.
Anyway, I will advise you to let the girl in Nigeria know about the fragility of this relationship because it would be unfair to continue to keep her in the dark. You may not think so, but the way you structured your narrative here would suggest that your mind is almost made up; made up against the girl in Nigeria- not because she has done anything wrong, but because of your own weaknesses which you are yet to come to terms with. But it`s nice to make a decision that you can take ownership of rather than taking one as a result of the advice of some anonymous commentators on the internet.
My prayer is for God to be your guidance so that you don`t end up in a marriage in which you will be a permanent junior partner. Amen

Is there any homosexual on this thread? If you couldn`t identify yourself, that means there is something very abnormal about being gay

@4Him

That may not be your intention, but your line-by-line examination of my response to kaecy5 gives the impresion of someone out to score points. All of us have to open our ears and minds when discussing this because none of us has all the answers

I guess the best way to address this is to go down memory lane. Winston Churchill once said " The further back you look, the further forward you can see". Most of the problems facing us today are not there by accident
It`s well-known that when Southerners decided to go for independence, our brothers and sisters in the North were emphatic that they were not yet ready; they needed more time to prepare for it. But Awo and Zik would have none of it. When three partners are about to form a union, and one is saying she is not ready what are you supposed to do in order to show that you care? The eagerness for independence on the part of the South led to Southerners making the first major mistake in the emerging polity. To get that independence, Zik and Awo decided to concede that 52% of the members of parliament will come from the North. You mentioned the composition of the current parliament that would never make constitutional amendment possible, but it all started from the development above. All that was needed to complete that imbalance was a rigged census. So every thing you see in today`s parliament could be traced to how our federation was formed. North could be forgiven for thinking that Southerners were out to dominate them after independence. Why wouldn`t our Founding Fathers wait for Northerners to be ready? Did they think that they could dominate them? Are we crying foul b/c we have been out-manouvered? Are you aware that North was the first region to threaten secession after independence?
The fact of the matter is, no region in Nigeria is blameless when it comes to the reasons for our backwardness- except the south-south. It`s possible we southerners would get to the national conference before this fact hit us in the face. National Conference means compromise, which means we would have to descend from our high horse. It is shallow to continue to use derogatory adjectives to describe fellow Nigerians just because of our crassness.

Obasanjo`s reform conference? Please, the moment you go down this route, you are going to lose me fast! Obasanjo and his fellow bastards in Yorubaland were looking for tenure elongation and people like you allowed yourselves to be duped into believing that he was interested in political reform. What a disgrace!

You asked " , . , how many western nations recognised Biafra. Actually, the fact that Ojukwu was in exile for that long on the Continent of Africa, without being caught by Nigeria, should be a guide to the answer. I wouldn`t know which planet you live on that you haven`t heard till now that France supported Biafra with money and muscle.

If you think the west wants a vibrant and united Nigeria, as a beacon of hope and stability for the black race, well, I can only say amen to that!

Oh yes, I still believe in one Nigeria. Belgium became independent 170something years ago, but her two people and regions are more separated than Nigeria, so I do not see any big deal about our country. I`ve always stood for devolution in Nigeria and I know that I would never support secession. By the way, how united is your local government, or the disunity there is caused by Mallo?
There are no quick fixes in politics, but if we have the will, a way shall emerge. Eventually!

kaecy5:
once u are born a Nigeria u should have equal rights as every other Nigerian

it is highly unfair that some Nigerians would enter university with lower grades

and some cannot

some other Nigerians would get govt jobs even when less qualified

if the north knows they r going to compete with the south they would sit up and work hard

the East knows that they have to contend with the west and vice versa thats why every body is on their toes

so North situp

It`s the United States that made the idea of affirmative action famous, not Nigeria. What Southern Nigeria is saying today is what white Americans are debating in their country about the pros and cons of lowering standards in order to accommodate a disadvantaged group(s). It`s really funny whenever one finds himself in a position where you have to think about how to argue in favour of affirmative action in America while you wouldn`t in Nigeria. I think what this comes down to is that this is an important debate to have and the earlier we start it the better.
Both sides would always have a point, but just as I usually argue, the beneficiaries of affirmative action should be conscious of its unintended consequencies, one of which is that if you are asking someone to lower his/her standards in order to accommodate you, you cannot at the same time be asking the same person to see you as his/her equal. What that means is that the beneficiaries of affirmative action should not treat it as an open ended policy. For how long should it continue-10,20,50 years? So our people in the North should bear this in mind. But those of us in the South shouldn`t be too sanctimonious about this either, because geography has always placed the South ahead of the North, so it`s not all about bad leadership by Notherners.
Another thing that would help us in our quest for one Nigeria is to know what is possible and what is not. Moudwal implied in his comments that our problem would be solved by breaking up the country. I disagree, totally! With constitutional amendment we can achieve so many things within the federation that we have today. Honestly, I don`t know the part of the country he comes from, but I know that there is no single region in Nigeria that is united, so I don`t see how break-up would solve our problem. Somalia is one of the most monolithic country in Africa yet she is war-ravaged. And would there ever be a time when a nation would exist without a major issue to contend with? I doubt it. Another mistake we are making is about our place in the world. The people that bring us together know that we have served our purpose, so they are not really interested in our staying together anymore. Does anyone think that the West is happy to have a single country in Africa carrying the hopes and aspirations of the black race? They would rather have a Nigeria that breaks into 10 useless nations with Niger Delta being one of them, and as long as the leaders of the Niger Delta see them as allies, they are happy. The time has come when we should know our place in the world as well as the right solutions to our problems.

DRANOEL:
some of you are just daft,what the man is simply saying is that the northern region should wake up and catch up with its sourthern counterpart

the whole theme of that confrence was aimed at rebranding the north economically

Nice to see that we still have a balanced head among us. Many thanks, bro!

laudate:
Hehehe. . . . .na wetin you wan take my love life do? Was it my love life that the original poster brought to nairaland for advice? I beg, go siddon[i] jare.[/i]

There is no fantastic rhetoric in my posts. Everything I wrote, deals with reality and real-life situations. Just because some folks choose to do 'mago-mago' in their relationships, does not mean ALL folks would follow in their footsteps. I dey suspect you, as you dey support this Nelson guy. E be like say you sef don two-time babe before. . . . .or maybe you be dey do player moves, for one corner. God dey! Be careful sha o! Awoof dey run belle.

Again, there is nothing thereotical about my posts. I'm a great believer in 'do unto others, as you would like them to do unto you.' That principle has worked well for me all these years, and am not about to change it now. It gets me mad when people try to use me or cheat on me, so I wouldn't
do the same to others no matter how shaky the realationship happens to be. Even when people end up cheating on me, the law of Karma is always there to deal with them, because what every man sows, he definitely shall reap. So forget all this gist about trying to use two-timing moves as an insurance policy, because it often backfires at the end of the day. You cannot eat your cake & have it.

If the 27 year old sister tells the new guy about the boyfriend abroad, don't you think the new guy is not going to be serious with her, because he feels she is just killing time pending the other guy's return from abroad? He may also see her as someone that is capable of betraying a lover, once his back is turned, or someone who can dabble into all sorts of tricks once her bloke is out of town. Does that action of hers, suggest loyalty or fidelity? Please tell me. I wouldn't take such a girl as a serious person. In fact, some of my male collegues just see such girls as someone that can be used to while away time.

I don't know how a man can sow lies, infidelity, distrust and two-timing moves in his relationship with a girl, and expect to reap loyalty, devotion and sincerity at the end of the day.

Maybe you can explain it to me o, Mr Theoretical Analysis!

See how easy it`s to find out the real laudate. This last post shows that the real laudate is dodgy and secretive. Won`t be surprised if he turned out to be worse than Nelson!!! I rest my case.

Laudate, do you mind telling me a little bit about your own love life so that I can be sure that you practise what you preach here? I observe that you have been speaking in general terms with fantastic rhetorics. Who knows, a day may come when a nairalander would be in a position to link laudate to his rhetorics and see whether the two are the same. So just paraphrase your love life for the record, if you don`t mind- at least you have an idea of mine.
We all know the answer to the rhetorical question you asked above.
But I think your answer to my question really confirms to me that you are a great man of theory. I`ve never failed to advise whoever has a boyfriend abroad to look for `an insurance policy` at home. You want to tell your 27yr-old sister to put all her eggs in one basket by doing away with the one abroad? How are you sure that that new relationship is going to lead to marriage? In fact, no intelligent sister would take that type of advice from you. Please there is a difference between a man and a woman. Of course, if we are talking of a young man in Nigeria with a girlfriend abroad, the right thing would be to call the girl abroad and tell her that he`s ending the relationship, but I would never advise a girl to do the same until she has 99% assurance that her relationship at home shall lead to marriage. She just need to tell the one she`s starting that new relationship with about the one abroad, that is the sensible thing to do. It`s very easy to quote The Holy Bible on how we should relate to fellow human beings, but I think experience is the best teacher on this one
I also think you should stop worrying yourself about nene because all the issues bothering her have been dealt with by nairalanders. The time has now come for her to decide whether to go with someone that has decided to do the right thing or go shadow-chasing. Here is a guy that is so sure of who he wants to spend the rest of his life with that he has decided to leave the person he has known long before meeting nana, yet you and a couple of others continue to blow Nelson`s mistake out of proportion. Let`s leave them alone!

laudate:
Please when you have a younger sister or your own daughter, give her this kind of advice. Tell her that it is okay for a man to cheat on her and lie (to her), while double-dating another girl, despite being in a relationship with her. . . . .then wait and see what she says.

I have seen women date two-timing men, who they knew were also involved with other babes. After the wedding, the man became worse, and continued his game without showing any respect for the woman he married. In one case, the guy even brought his girl-friend home, and introduced her to his wife as a cousin. The poor wife waited on the so-called cousin hand & foot, entertained her and cooked for her. It was the following month, when another relative came visiting, that the cat was let out of the bag.

You asked: "the first question you need to ask yourself is, how easy is it to find a man that is better than your current boyfriend? Well, let me just say that MOST men are worse than him- regardless of the claim to the contrary!" Well, maybe we should ask you - are you saying there are NO other men better than her current boyfriend? Is this Nelson a saint, whose behaviour we must use as a yardstick to measure the conduct of other men? Please give me a break!

Like a friend once told me: "a man that cannot be faithful in small things, can never be faithful in big things. And marriage is a big thing."

A man of honour would end a previous relationship properly, before jumping into another or before starting a new one with a different babe. Any man who is involved in a relationship with two women, often ends up[i] telling lies [/i] to sustain both affairs. He would either lie to one of the girls to cover his tracks, or[i] lie to both [/i] of them to prevent them from knowing the real truth, about what is going on. Later, he would even end up lying to himself to justify the affair. Do such lies breed good fruits? I'm yet to see any man conduct two affairs simultaneously, without engaging in any form of deceit. To the best of my knowledge, there is nothing that kills a man's reputation as well as his relationship as fast as deceit and lies.

He didn't even respect Nenenwa enough to drop the other lady, when he met her. Does 'stringing' her along, while having a 2nd affair with his previous girl (at the same time), show that he had any respect for her or for her feelings?

Only a self-centred man would offer an excuse like - he wants to be sure he is not exchanging "like for like", that is why he is stringing both of those girls along! Are those girls machines, merchandise or inanimate objects? Put yourself in those girls' shoes. If a babe you were dating, was also dating another guy alongside you, in order to compare both of you to make sure she wasn't exchanging "like for like," how would you feel?

The man dated both of them simultaneously, because he was greedy! That's all. He wanted to eat his cake and have it. He used the other girl, then dumped her when he had his fill, because Nenenwa was there to service his needs as well. Using the word 'transition' to describe what the guy did, is just crap! Is dating a political programme? Maybe OBJ too, was also engaged in a transition, that was why he had all those affairs with the numerous women he met! What a pity!

As for the other girl finding a boyfriend later, are you the one going to dash her a new guy? Do you even know what emotional scars have been left in her mind, as a result of how Nelson deceived her?

The bobo simply had no honour, no decency and no integrity. Otherwise, he wouldn't have decided to string both of them along, date them simultaneously, enjoy them sequentially, and spin false stories to them intermittently, thinking he was smart. Period! Anyway, karma will eventually take its' course. No doubt about that!

You are advising her to "go ahead with your marriage, but not until you`ve let your boyfriend know that you see his antics as a big betrayal. It`s not that that is going to change him, but just to plant some guilt on his conscience. Good luck!". Will that guilt STOP him, or prevent him from cheating on her after the wedding? What if it happens again after they have exchanged wedding vows? What would you advise?

You displayed a lot of emotions in your reply, laudate. The only reason why I decided to contribute to this thread is to let nana know that sweet-talking men like you exist all over the world, but that what we have in reality are the Nelsons. The man of honour you described above has something in common with Osama Bin Laden in that they are very difficult to find! Nene needs to see this reality. And knowing full well that whoever eventually marries her would turn out to be a relative the following days, I think she shouldn`t allow internet tittle-tattle to poison her mind.
So you really think that I wouldn`t give my sister the same advice? Trust me, whatever views I express here come from the heart, so it would never be different with my sister or whoever. Most of the men that are playing to the gallery here are going to be worse than Nelson in real life! Yours sincerely doesn`t advise in order to please or displease, just the way I see it. I have a question for you though.
Let`s say you have a 27 year-old sister that has been dating a 32 year-old Nigerian for some months, and that man has now decided to go abroad in search of a better life. Your sister then calls you a couple of months after the man has left to share her anxieties with you. She is of the opinion that, based on what she has seen and heard , she should start another relationship so that if things don`t work out with the one abroad, she wouldn`t have put all her eggs in one basket. Do you want to share with me what your advice would be to this your sister, laudate?
I gave the example of a friend in my first contribution because he happened to be the only one among my numerous friends that did what I couldn`t do when I was in my 20s. Before we met, I was thinking that I should be one of the best around for being able to stick to one girl at any point in time. Then I met this guy and I was truly impressed by what I saw! But which of these two would I want my sister to go out with- the friend that stuck to one girl before marriage and became a mess afterwards or someone that has seen it all before his marriage? I would surely prefer the latter. It was obvious from my interaction with my friend, when he started his infidelity, that playing the field was still appealing to him because he never did that before. Oh yes! That is one of the things people talk about when they mention transition. My friend didn`t have a proper transition from boyhood to adulthood otherwise jumping to bed all over the place wouldn`t have held any attraction for him again, because he has seen it all! So I may not need much moral lessons from you as a person, but this is all about nene. It`s about knowing that where fantasy ends, reality begins. People like you mislead these guys into believing the exact opposite of what is going on in the dating world.
I would echo what blacklion said that nene must not give Nelson the impression that this is a trivial issue. But to now go to the extent of leaving him?
I just don`t think so!

My dear, the first question you need to ask yourself is, how easy is it to find a man that is better than your current boyfriend? Well, let me just say that MOST men are worse than him- regardless of the claim to the contrary! Let me give reasons for my advice. Most decent women would ask the question some have asked here that if he could do this now, why won`t he cheat in the future after your marriage. This is a logical thing to say except that there is nothing logical about the behaviuoral pattern of human beings. I once had a very close friend who spent 7 years dating a single girl without ever cheating on her! What I was never able to understand was how this guy could change dramatically after marriage. What I learnt from him was that we should avoid setting anything in stone when discussing the future, because many factors influence what we do at any point in time.
To me, your boyfriend hasn`t done much wrong! He had one girlfriend before meeting you, but was not satisfied with that girlfriend, then made up his mind that, unless he couldn`t find a better girl, she was not going to marry her. Should he have left her at that point, before looking for another person? Maybe maybe not. Should he have left her when the relationship with you started? Probably not, because he wanted to be absolutely sure that he was not leaving like for like. The time frame you gave suggests that this was the case; he made commitment to you when he was sure that the difference between you and the other girl is massive. Generally speaking, I always show understanding to a guy that is going through this type of transition, it`s always a difficult juncture to navigate
The other girlfriend is right to be angry. The major mistake that your boyfriend made was to let her know that he was breaking up that relationship in order to get married to you- that was a huge blunder on his part! But you need to understand that everything the other girl said when she heard that was said in anger. The moment she finds another boyfriend, she is likely to become less bitter and move on with her life.
How are we to know that your next relationship is going to be free from issues such as this? Is there anyone out there that you will date that would not give you something to moan about? As far as pre-marital controversies go, I`ve seen far worse stuff in my life
I think you should go ahead with your marriage, but not until you`ve let your boyfriend know that you see his antics as a big betrayal. It`s not that that is going to change him, but just to plant some guilt on his conscience. Good luck!

Kobojunkie, I think you are a good nairalander, but always avoid discussing any parts of Nigerian political history that you are not sure of. That wouldn`t make you an ignorant person, but a credible and reliable commentator. Thanks!

Kobojunkie:
How can you, after watching things happen in the country still believe such a law actually works?? I mean look at the very fact that Obasanjo spent all his life in politics doing the same. He is an old man now but he has been in the picture from the very beginning and has enjoyed most all he can of it. I mean look at folks like Abiola, Zik, the other guys. These men spend their whole lifes destroying Nigerian lives and continue to do so even in their old age. Isn't it clear now to us that waiting for this law may mean these men will die in peace and their own children continue where they stopped??

Zik spending his whole life destroying Nigeria? This is so wrong, Kobo!!!

There are many people abroad that would love to raise their children in Nigeria, but couldn`t because of money and status. So if money is no object and we don`t have to worry about residential permit, where would I like to raise my children? In the first place, there is nothing to suggest how a child would turn out- regardless of how and where h/she is raised. Obasanjo would have thought that Gbenga had the best upbringing in the world, and Britney Spears was raised in a strictly religious home. What is important is to try to do what is best for the child and leave the rest.
Anyday, anytime Nigeria would be my first choice. Why? The most important reason is the need for all my chilldren to be aware of my african culture. Nothing can be more important in that culture than my language, respect for elders and communal living.
Why? It`s possible for those children to graduate from high school in Nigeria without setting their eyes on drugs and guns, that is not possible in any developed nations, especially America.
Why? When children are exposed to the precariousness that the Third World delivers, by the time they get to their 20s and join the rest of the world they should be able to cope with anything that the West throws at them. So it makes sense to start life where things are relatively difficult.
Why? Since I know that the child that I raise in America would be told one day that h/she is too black and Nigerian to be American, I shouldn`t do things that would make Nigerians tell h/her that h/she is too Amerian to be Nigerian; I want h/her to have a sense of belonging.

What JeSoul is describing here is a form of addiction. One of my friends once told me that I tended to go down in his estimation whenever I talked about going to a sporting event. My reply then was the same as what Gamine posted here. I simply had to draw his attention to the fact that he was the most womanising friend I`ve ever had. So I think watching sports on TV or going to the stadium to watch a football match is not the most damaging addiction in this world.
To the ladies that find this type of addiction annoying, let us know what your own addictions are, please.

Here is one special teenager, too intelligent to be duped by anyone!

dayokanu:
@Teriba,
Was IBB the one who dropped bomb at Dele Giwa's? You know Col Togun was more involved in the murder of Giwa.

Just like all evidence pointed to the fact that OBJ killed Funmilayo Kuti.

Coup de tat are mainly military issues.

Mamman Vatsa was killed because they found him guilty in a tribunal for coup plotting and do you know It was OBJ that decreed all coup plotters to be killed.

Just like OBJ killed General Bissalla in 1976.

How many communities did IBB wipe out like OBJ did to Zaki Biam and Odi That is ethnic cleansing the same offence that Milosevic and Saddam were arraigned for.

I hear you, my brother!

presido1:
We all hard that IBB killed dale giwa at the same time we all hard that OBJ killed Bola Ige how on earth can you come hear to say you have solid evidence for Dele Giwas case. Please kindly let us know your evidence, maybe you are part of the squad otherwise i don't know where you get your SOLID evidence from.
We are waiting.

It`s amazing how human minds tend to work. I would like to believe that you are one of those Nigerians who would rather people believe only the things that YOU want them to believe. Or is it that you are way too involved to discuss the politics of Nigeria impartially ? When Gani Fawehinmi went to Oputa Panel, it gave Babangida the chance to dispel every allegation that is being levelled against him with regard to the murder of Dele Giwa, all you have to do is to ask him why he refused to appear before that Panel. The evidence that Babangida murdered Dele Giwa has been in public domain since the 80s; it is detailed and incontrovertible!
On the other hand, I rarely hear anyone say that Obasanjo killed Bola Ige; they only talked of the presidency. That presidency is not made up of Obasanjo alone. Actually, Bode George is more of a suspect than Obasanjo in the murder of Ige. When it was put to him that another suspect, Omisore, must have relied on him to carry out the murder of Ige, Bode George`s reply was that Omisore was even closer to the vice-president, Atiku Abubakar than he was to him. However, I know that the truth is always going to come out one day, but would refuse to level any allegations until that truth is out.
Babangida and his dubious messengers can try to re-write history on-line, but that is never going to eraze the fact that never in the history of Nigeria had a leader of that country been a congenital criminal. Every single individual that ruled Nigeria before Babangida had done their best for the country, even if they were not perfect, even if many unpleasant things happened under their leadership.! In Babangida, however, Nigeria had the first natural-born criminal as a leader. A pure and unadultrated gangster!!!
Interestingly, you did not ask me to back up my allegation that he also murdered Vatsa, why was that ? Shall we conclude that you have enough evidence to support the fact that Babangida murdered Mamman Vatsa-his childhood friend who was the best man at his wedding- but you did not have enough evidence to support the murder of the journalist that was about to publish Babangida`s connection with drug peddling as well as reveal that one of the ladies that carried drugs for the Babangidas, that Nigerians were told was in prison in Nigeria had actually been flown to London by Babangida for `self-protection` ? Are you a true `presido` or counterfeit version ?

Truequest:
@ Teriba
Are you not being partial, remember that the image of justice is blinded human image. Lets be fair to all

I think fairness demands that we allow solid evidence to dictate our conclusions. At present, I`ve got no evidence at my disposal to back up the allegation that Ige and Co were murdered by Obasanjo. I`m not saying that Obasanjo is incapable of doing it, but it`s just that I don`t have any credible evidence to state categorically that he did.

Some of you guys have said it all.
Of course, every e-mail scammer and other fraudsters in Nigeria would describe the regime of babangida as a better one, wouldn`t they ?
As far as murders are concerned, the murders of Dele Giwa and Vatsa were murders mastermided by Babangida. It would not surprise me if we should have indisputable facts later backing up the view that Obasanjo was not involved in the murders that took place under his regime as those murders could have been carried out by some members of his inner cirle.
It`s always sad when one has to defend criminals like Obasanjo and his men, but then it shouldn`t be a bad thing when you are dealing with the likes of Babangida and his desperate agents of falsehood.
Obasanjo took over a nation that was a wreck, literally. To worsen things, those that had seen themselves as the owners of Nigeria became frustrated when they were no more in a position to mess around with the country`s resources. The fight-back started immediately when they decided to introduce Sharia in a secular state, causing unnecessary distraction for Obasanjo and Nigerians.
If my memory serves me well, Babangida and his fellow bastards took over a country that had been sorted out by Buhari. For reasons best known to Nigerians, they believed and trusted this conman, and by the time they discovered that he was ( still is ) a wolf in a sheep`s clothing, it was too late . Anyway, I`m still enjoying the fact that Obasanjo stopped him from achieving his most important political ambition of running Nigeria again.

I have no doubt in my mind that MKO Abiola would not have made a good president. Absolutely no doubt about that! But there is more to this issue than a-single-sentence answer.
The first thing I want to emphasize is the fact that a businessman is not the same thing as a Reverend Father-it seems some of us are confusing the two. The bottom-line of a businessman is profit maximization. Whoever expects a businessman to be a paragon of morality must be kidding. So all the arguments about how criminal Abiola was hold no water. I think those advancing this argument should tell us their favourite millionaire in Nigeria, especially the one that was/is not a criminal.
The second point has already been mentioned by some fellow Nairalanders, but still worthy of mention nonetheless. One thing that I`m happy about is the way MKO Abiola died. Who else can we describe as the Father of Democracy in Nigeria- if not Abiola ? This is one feat no other person had been able to achieve before now. And this is one status that neither Awo nor Zik could lay claim to. I like that!
The moment that this man decided to contest a presidential election, a presidential election that the world described as free and fair, his past should become irrelevant. This is the side I find most unfortunate; the fact that the man that was poisoned for his mandate did not arouse our moral conscience.This says alot about us as individuals. If one is looking for a true criminal in the world today, Italy`s Berlusconi would be up there among them. Yet Italians embraced him having won their general election. But the evil mind of the black man would not make it possible for him to differentiate between the business interests of a man and his political ambitions. Very soon most of us that have been commenting here would go and start another thread on how to achieve democracy in Nigeria. The truth is that we deserve no democracy . What makes this thread more shocking is the calibre of people that have been expressing their thoughts here. I`m truly Perplexed!

@ Ono

Nigerians did not give Obasanjo any second chance, Babangida and those that were afraid of their past did! Anyway, feel free to make Babangida your life President; he deserves it, doesn`t he ?

Yeah, the N2.8billion your panel got evidence of !

ono:
@ Teriba,
You need to know my stance on these issues. It's with thesame passion that I hate babacratic OBJ for the evils perpetrated under his nose that I hate IBB. I never for once voiced my support for IBB in anyway. And as far as I'm concerned, these two personalities - IBB and OBJ are the main reasons why Nigeria is at a sorry pass today.

Talking about murder, I honestly don't think OBJ is better than IBB. OBJ was the one who spearheaded the assassination of Bola Ige, Harry Marshal and a host of others during his tenure as president of this country. If he isn't, how is it that we've not been able to fish out the people who carried out these dastardly act at the time? Who's shielding them from being caught?

And as far as I'm concerned, Ribadoo is/was a tool used by OBJ to execute anti-thuurd term die hards. We should not forget easily the way the man was breathing hell both on TV and radio over this. We should not forget how EFCC was used to hound everyone who was against his plan to continue as life president of this country. No one is saying Ribadu did not fight corruption. What we're complaining about him is the way he went about it at some point. This completely brought down his credibility rating.

Ono, I think I need to make a couple of things clear here. Let me start with the comparison you are making between OBJ and IBB. The first thing I share with you on this is the abhorrence for their leadership; both are criminals that have no business in the corridors of power! But fundamentally speaking, I do not see how we can say that one is not better than the other. I will still go for the leader that is saying in public that corruption is unacceptable than the Babangida that was telling everybody, directly and indirectly, that only a stupid civil servant would fail to steal money while in office. Please, feel free to remind me of any past leaders that had been like this before Babangida. When you look at Nigeria today, all the bad characteristics you see at the upper echelons of power started with Babangida. The military used to be the last hope of Nigerians before Babangida. Up until today, Babangida has not told us where the windfall Nigeria got from oil during the first Gulf War disappeared to; that money was over $12 billion dollars. On the other hand, we have Obasanjo that paid off our debts. And do you still remember ABN ? It was used by Babangida through Arthur Nzeribe to tell Nigerians why Babangida should stay in power for ever. Then 14 million Nigerians cast their votes in 1993, in the best elections in the history of Nigeria, only for Babangida to annul it. And you are telling me that Babngida and Obasanjo are the same ?
Another mistake you are making is that, all the crimes we now know that the criminal called Babangida perpetrated during his leadership were mere rumours until he was disgraced out of office. It was when he left office that everything came into the open. And when he was given the chance to go and clear his name that he didn`t murder Dele Giwa, clear his name that it was not when Dele Giwa was about to reveal Babangida`s connection with drug peddling that he decided to murder the man, he literally ran away! So the same thing is always going to happen to Obasanjo- now that he is out of office. All the crimes that Obasanjo committed in office would catch up with him. But the problem is, you guys expected Ribadu to arrest Obasanjo when the father of corruption in Nigeria is enjoying the mansion he built with our $12 billion in Minna; what happens to consistence ?
Generally speaking, when it comes to fighting corruption or any other illegal activities, it is never easy for the one given that responsibility to move against the leader of that country, especially when the leader in question is the one that appointed him. That is not something that is restricted to Nigeria; it`s world-wide! Ribadu was appointed by a dirty leader to do a house-cleaning job for Nigeria. Can you imagine what would have happened if he had been given that role by Buhari/Idiagbon
I`m all for the arrest of Obasanjo and his family, but you may want to promise me that Babangida will not be left behind, and that whenever the President and his men engage in corruption, our new corruption tsar will do what Ribadu couldn`t.

ono:
Really? Wonders will never end in this country. Anyway, he's out now, what's stopping EFCC from prosecuting his daughter?

Most of us that have never done anything tangible for that country are the most vocal in a situation like this. We have a guy that risked his life in order to achieve some credibility for the country under a very difficult circumstances. Even if we disagree with his tactics, that shouldn`t stop us from acknowledging his dedication. The porous argument being advanced by some people is that since he didn`t score 100%, it means he wasn`t good enough. The interesting thing about all this is that it`s the admirers of Babangida that have become the most sanctimonious in today`s Nigeria, leading the anti-Ribadu chorus. The Babangida that turned curruption into an ideology in Nigeria, the Babangida that murdered Dele Giwa, murdered his own friend, murdered the electoral process as well as acountability in the corridors of power, the Babangida that stole over $12 billion during the first Gulf War, is walking free without molestation while one of those that have been helping us to repair the damage done by this deranged General is being harassed. Whenever people went to Babangida to complain about the incidence of bribery and corruption during his tenure, he used to tell them to go and bribe whoever was asking for a bribe, so we can do without any lessons on probity and efficient leadership from people like Big B1.
You, Ono, said Ribadu should have prosecuted Obasanjo and his daughter, but how could he have done that when the current President had never given him his unequivocal support? If Ribadu had received the necessary backing, he may have moved against the Obasanjos.What we have now is a dubious President who is so cowardly that he had to lie in order to dismiss a popular civil servant from his post. The President is desperate to remain in power so whatever Atiku Abubakar and Babangida ask him to do shall be done-including removing one of the most effective civil servants in Nigeria from office.
Ribadu did in Nigeria what was impossible in most African countries, and that is something no one can take away from him!