Come clean. At least start the New year with opening up to your family. They will be disappointed, true but they will never abandon you. That is what family members are for; to have your back when everything turns against you. It is well. And i hope this time you will make proper use of the 2nd chance given.

She is exercising unnecessary fear, and because of that fear, there is a tendency for her to attract what she does not want. 'We create our own realities'. A man who will cheat would cheat. Irrespective of where he lives and with whom.

Let her start looking for a job also in Abuja, because seriously, since her marriage is pretty new, living apart is not really encouraged. I don't know what the 'looking for a job' process is back home. But she can start making enquiries or trying to get a transfer to Abuja with her present job will help out. Families should try and stay together.

Happy New year, everyone. This is our year of greater works and achievement in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.

Thank you guys, Mollietinrox and Lerrie John. please your replies mean the world to me. I tell you 'r.a.pe' is a very harsh way of reacting to any hidden emotions. The life of the person being raped is utterly disrupted emotionally. Thank you guys, very great advice on here. Will forward it to her.

It will be more like detoxifying her emotions.

****Please will need your feedback on this mail i received. She did not mind my sharing it with the house****

Dear Sister Tee
Thank you for all you do, i have been following your page and really encouraged to talk to you. I am a 28years old lady and still single. The problem i have now started when i was 17, i was raped by someone i really trusted and it has been difficult for me to get over everything. Anytime i am in a relationship, the scene from the past keeps playing in my mind, and i see that distrust in all men. No matter how i try to look beyond what happened, i see myself falling back. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, how do i get over my past? Thank you for your help. please share it on the page but keep my identity safe. God bless.


I got this mail, the lady in question did not mind me also sharing it on here. We need as much practical steps that can be taken as possible. Thank you all.

@Poster ask her first for her password, you have not even asked her for it to see if she will refuse giving it to you or not. Do not let anything rob you of your peace of mind. There is nothing wrong with locking your phones, your cell phones are personal to you and that is why we have landlines that are public. Stop having a negative mind towards very simple actions, believe what you hear from your spouse to an extent, more like, 'benefit of the doubt". The more fear you have, the more negativity you attract.

Sallotti: If it ain't broke. . .I ain't fiSSSSin it!
Nothing to change!
We dey kamkpeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

15 year anniversary coming up!

I love this dear. that is the way to go. Happy anniversary in advance. God bless.

trendii tee: Hmmm.so many lessons 4 me to learn,,God help me....BTw mch tanks to d op and all dose who av contributed,,most of dis tins u mentioned av almost rendered mai relatnshp assunder,,,tnk God am nt married yet..Now I av to start makin tinz rite...once again @Op,tanx a lot.its jst as if dis thread was created 4 me.

You are welcome dear, i am glad.

Poster, talk to your wife. What are they partying all around the town for? Are they celebrities that need to show their faces at all parties?

Now, if she is taking it otherwise, because she would to an extent, since her mother is involved, she will be a little sensitive about it. Follow them next time they are about to go to one of their parties, it will help you have an idea of what is going on. And it will put your wife on her toes.

@ Veronix, the power of some very good stuff. You can never go wrong, if only women some women knew the power they have. Use it !!!!!!! i like that.


Merry Christmas!!!!! Everyone. God bless.

Most times God talks and we do not listen. There is no way, God would support him not balancing his work time and family time. Everything in life should be balanced. The scale must not and should not tip to one side.

There is no way around it. You will have to change your prayer point. If you have prayed and have not gotten the desired answer, either you are praying amiss, doubting or it is not yet Divine time. Your faith and fidelity is being tested. You have to stand your ground in your faith and keep a positive mind that he will change. Sometimes it could be just because there are lessons for you to learn from a certain situation, that so many things occur. Ask God what lessons HE wants you to learn from what is going on.

The heart of the king is in the hands of God, take it to HIM. and try not to focus on the problems, when you do, it unconsciously affects the children and the energy at home. Seek God's guidance and look forward to happier times. Find time to keep communicating with him, without nagging. When you nag it amounts to nothing. Keep communicating in love and do not give up. Tell God to reveal it to him. Some times, you just have to let go, to get your result. Do not hold on to the problems at hand. let it go and be there for the kids, create fun times for them so that they will not miss their dad's absence too much.

The issue of sex, i really do not know if masturbating is a sin....just follow your heart on that one, but adultery is not an option.

Thank you Ogbakolo for your contribution. What you have said and analyzed is where 'ego' comes in. If there is ego from both people involved, there will always be 'respect' issues or lack of it. The most important of it all, is love. When there is love, every other thing comes easy, love always lead.

Wislet: Be:

QUICK TO LISTEN

SLOW TO SPEAK ; and

SLOW TO ANGER

Thank you Wislet.


I also feel women should stop repeating themselves much. I learnt that though, because sometimes I feel as though, he does not hear what I am saying, and I would keep repeating it over and over again and that use to infuriate my husband until he drew my attention to it.

^^^^^ @sammy that is a very good resolve.

longthinx: Advice the cheater to desist if not i stop been a friend. Cant stand it.

That is the best thing to do. Advice the cheater. we need to start speaking up. If we have a friend who is doing the wrong, thing talk to them, if they refuse to desist, look for another friend.

Ruq:

Then it should be encouraged not to take a mile when offered an inch.
Sure, men cannot catch up when it comes to arguing with women but when it becomes an everyday thing, something else plants in his mind 'distancing'. It is something I've witnessed and it is something I'll do if faced with such, and you know when arguing like that automatically it is nagging. The Poster has made a vital contribution by stating ego as one of the problems, it is what needs to be talked too in both parties all the time.

If we only know what 'ego' does to us, we would not give it a mi-nute chance to rule our thoughts. It brings nothing but hatred, anger resentment, pride, envy, harsh judgments and so on. It is what the christian Bible call the 'old self, old things".

The verbal abuse cannot be seen or felt but it can drive one to become physically abusive in which ever way The person can result to doing drugs, fighting, anger resentments, suicide and so on. The verbal abuse is like a platform for the physical abuse to build on.

They are both powerful in their own stead, but I will say the verbal abuse is more powerful because of the power in the tongue. It is innate, comes from within. The physical abuse is just a reaction to the verbal abuse.

Be strong dear. God knows why. And know that "this too shall pass". More will come with very good health and blessings from Above in Jesus Name, Amen.

Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction, or reflex muscle tightening, of the pelvic floor muscles that generally occurs when an attempt is made to insert an object (tampon, penis, speculum used for a Pap test) into the vagina. This muscle tightening causes pain, which can range from mild discomfort to severe burning and aching. Vaginismus may be primary (i.e. lifelong), or secondary (occurring after a period of normal sexual function). It may also be global (occurs in all situations and with any object) or situational (may only occur in certain situations, such as with one partner but not others, or with sexual intercourse but not with tampons or pelvic exams or vice versa).

Women with vaginismus often think that they’re “too small” and that their vagina needs to be stretched. Just imagining this is painful! The truth is that women with vaginismus don’t need to “stretch” anything; they need to learn to control the muscles around the vagina. This can be done with exercises


@ Poster read the rest here. The solutions are within, if I copy and paste it, it would be too long. I wish you well.
http://sogc.org/publications/when-sex-hurts-vaginismus/

People, women in the house, no need insulting each other, abeg! Lets learn to air our opinions without insults. Lets work on our emotions.

The issue of getting a house help or not, is personal and differ according to individual strengths and family needs. If you have one or two kids, maybe you really do not need extra help as your family size is small. If you have up to 5 children and you have to go to work too and care for the home, if you get an extra help, it would help your health and sanity to a large extent. As long as in the latter case you treat them well.

Just as we have some bosses who are very intolerant, so also we have helps no matter how good you are to them, that dark side of them will always come out if they have not mastered it. If you must get a help at all, go with the one that resonates well with you. If not, just try and do what you can do at home and leave the rest. When the kids start turning 5 and are becoming wiser, start engaging them in picking one thing and doing another.

We cannot fully eradicate the issue of helps in a country like Nigeria, until we have educated the parents who give out their children to be more responsible and some are just orphans who need to make ends meet. Whatever we choose to do, let us just be godly about it.

Nomski0:


My parents do this a lot. When I was little, I used to think they just wanted to be alone, but as I got older, I realized that they lock the doors to their rooms and argue in secret so we, the kids won't hear a thing.

Its very effective. And a nice way of keeping the children oblivious to marital problems.

Very effective way. Screaming in front of the kids just sends around very negative energies.

ufobabe: .. Call him a thousand times a day and update him how u are doing
2. Correct him when his anger is gone and he will apologise. Preferrably on whatsapp or facebook msg.
3. Watch his clothes and iron instead of him taking them to dry cleaner.
4. Cook egusi soup wit my money. He wil pay for d soup 10times on his own without me asking
5. I love u baby wit a gentle touch on his head and i wil hav his ears to urself
6. Wear a jeans ring and pass him during 9pm news. Dat is d end of d news for d nite. He wil come to bed wit me. And so ooon

Nice tips. Thanks.

b4jesus: And please our married men, who said it will make you a lesser man if you help this stressed up woman with the children and some chores once in a while, we remember the saying 'do it once and it becomes your job'. It makes us feel loved you know, may God give us the grace to be calm in situations of anger, it is difficult I tell you, but it sure calms the raging storm, let's also learn not to talk back when he is angry and screaming, even if we have all the right answers, let him finish, men cannot match our speed when it comes to arguments, this has led to violence in so many cases

They really can't match our speed oooo. The best is to to just let them vent. Thanks dear.

Chillisauce: Lol @ toyin, writings on the wall, abeg let him perfect his writing skills not. How else do you think he will learn how to draw. Of course they prefer the large wall.

My dear, i don clean wall tire.....

greatgod2012:


who is babyosisi here? Kindly jamisi.




@post, when i'm annoyed or angry, i don't talk, especially when the kids are around, what i do is that i go into the room and use either my phone to invite him over into the room, or i send a text message to invite him or BBM message, then, i say my mind, we trash everything out there calmly and thoroughly, then, we apologise to each other and everyone is happy.

Very great tips. I like that idea too. As long as we do not burst out when angry. There is no way we can fully eliminate disagreements, but as long as they are healthy.

For example, today, my husband was angry at me because we just moved into a new house and he wants us to watch our son as that little boy just likes to write on the walls instead of his books. I was on the phone with my younger sister in a separate room, he was in the other room on his computer, i assumed our boy was with him, all of a sudden, he stormed into my room and started yelling that o!!! Toyin, you left Ola to make a mess blablablabla....i stood up, went to see the extent of the mess and said it was washable and went back to my room still chatting away with my sister, when i was done chatting, i took a sponge and washed off the stain. Then i stood in front of his door and asked him what he was doing in the first place that he could not also put an eye on the boy since he knew i was on the phone? and the responsibility of watching our son lies on both of us.... blablablabla also from me. He said he did not want to hear it and stood up and closed the door out of anger. You know if it was my former self, i would have hit hard on the door and changed the whole topic to something else, i said my peace with the doors locked and left. After 10-15 minutes, he came out and came over to where i was, on sighting each other, we busted out laughing, and he apologized for closing the door that something else was on his mind blablabla and bla. Story ended.

We would be surprised how something that little can escalate to something else and big if we termed every reaction as rude.

alutacontinua: "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"

Babyosisi, God bless you for the above statement!

Just saved me some st*pid trouble and argument I was going to put myself in tonight again!

Op, i'm nt married but the above quote is a life-saver!

I like that quote "do i want to be right or do i want to be happy?" Happiness all the way.

Ewuro707:

I can't laugh Abeg chilli

Lock yourself in the bathroom bawo,wetin happen I agree with me time and movie night concept.

I agree without your last point, every other plan are pointless and daydreaming .

@OP , chilli kinda already summarized my forethought input , taking care of oneself ( take up a hobby and follow through with it, it helps and also therapeutic especially when you have to work long hours during the week)

and alone time with him on day offs.( and kids too but seems OP is focused on couples only)

My other take:
Pray together as a family, it knits family firmly and make God your foundation , it's never too late even if it wasn't the case for your relationship, except God lays the foundation, all bricklayers are just doing it in vein. Eat together as a family if doable, try, train your kids to wait till daddy/ mummy comes back from work...

Be back for more

Prayer is the key ooooo. Without God, we can achieve absolutely nothing.

I think you should keep it a secret as much as possible since he has confided in you. But advice him to break it to your mum and other siblings himself. He should tell them so that the guilt he is having will be totally reduced. It will be rocky for sure, but what has happened has happened.

^^^^ @ Chillisauce. Thanks, you know, i need that "run away time" myself. I was telling my husband, i needed time alone for me, just me, it helps with one's sanity and the moment we take to relax and just rest from noise, also reduces stress. I realized being too stressed can cause anger.

ireneidiva:
your kids wear braids for eight weeks? And have a bath only at night? You need a maid!

Just as Ewuro has said, you can wash the braids as often as you want it washed, then apply muse and oils to keep it shining and neat. Especially applying oil to the scalp is necessary.

You are right Mogboya, very great tips, i think the main issue will be how to make the men do stuffs around the house. But if "getting a house maid" has been completely eliminated, they will have no choice but to lend a helping land.

Where are the women, mothers and wives? I guess it is because of the season..... Feel free to tell us what works oooo when you are done shopping.