Truvelisback:
I said so because i see these men going there frequently. Mind u, most women takes good cooking skills for granted and this ignorance and negligence later affects in marriage unknowingly. Men love delicious meal.

And what is wrong with the men doing the cooking if their wives don't know how to cook? This mentality of gender specific house roles must stop. Especially nowadays when everyone irrespective of the gender is a working class. We are all busy and good at different things. If a wife can't cook and the husband can, let him do the cooking so they can both enjoy. An annoying thing I've noticed is some men shame their wife's cooking skills whereas they cannot even boil water.

Again, we are all busy and good at different things so spouses should learn to step in where the other is lagging. Woman, if your husband hates washing the car you do it, gender specific roles need to stop.

1Sharon:


Were you denying her sex at home?

As soon as your wife starts cheating, just know there's something that you are not doing, go down on your knees and pray, don't let another man break your home. Always appear neat the way you were the very first time you approached her and don't yell at her all the time, show her care and love so that she will not look outside, sometimes walk around naked and don't wear anything to bed, always try to catch her attention. Thanks and God bless you as you do so.

Thank you for this. Women are always advised to act this way when they encounter challenges like this hahahah

NemoDatQuod:
It

I was shocked that neither of your mothers came after the birth of your first child due to your refusal to give in to your husband. A wife is required to be submissive to her husband. That means giving in when he makes a decision that you may not agree with. Chaos arises when there are two Captains shepherding a ship at the same time.

No mom finally came not because of my objection. In the end I succumbed to his mom coming but he insisted on mine coming. And because I don't want my mom coming to my house just yet due to the accusation of using charms (you never know what else will come up if my mom is living with us), I refused to bring my mom and that's how we ended here.

Truely your advice is golden, I appreciate it. I've definitely picked up something (alot actually) from it. Thanks for taking out time to respond critically

RightToReject:
You've either wittingly or unwittingly failed to tell yourself the truth, even though it's staring at your face. Whatever problem you're facing in the union started/got compounded that day you competed with your husband on whose biological mother between the two of you was to come visiting abroad. The fact that you didn't see any reason to defer to him on that occasion on his insistence and that being the first of its kind automatically showed that you're a contentious wife. So, you ought not to be surprised that he (and by extension your parents-in-law: yes, he obviously told them) has been meting out to you treatment deserving of a contentious wife since then, your current resolve/support to have his biological mother make the visit and any other sacrifice you might have been making since then notwithstanding. In fact, from the connotation of your posit, it's even for a self-absorbing reason that you've resolved to have his biological mother to come now.

Seek his forgiveness first on the mentioned incidence above and any other similar incident that might have happened and turn a new leaf if truly you care about enjoying a healthy union with him. You haven't been able to understand the kind of man you've been married to; thus, the reason why you've been using the wrong potion on him.

That said, I don't hold a brief for him, and his own shortcomings are also glaring, but I wager in the cause of playing your part well, he'll gradually sit up, provided that his original intention towards you and the union in general is pure.

Thank you for your frank and constructive advice. I sincerely appreciate. It's very helpful

Lilydore:



Keep shut. You lie a lot. He's the one paying for most, if not all the bills. If you were doing that, you'd have said it here. People like you can go fetish to achieve their selfish aim (that's if you haven't). Liar.

You're one of the idîots giving us bad names here.

Take a nap my dear and u will be alright. I get it, life can be hard sometimes. Courage!

Acidosis:
Two stubborn people.

You want your mom. He wants his. You insult each other, only that he took his too far by accusing your mom.

Thank you for the information about the medical and travel expense...but you didn't disclose other info like who pays the rent, kids' school fees, clothings, food, groceries, water and electricity bills, etc. The same right granted to you to eat the food he buys with his money also includes dictating what goes on in the house you rented with your money. Don't go that route of "I paid for this and that.." unless he's financially irresponsible.

No be who first come social media dey always dey right sha. I think you both need to see a counsellor if you're unable to resolve your issues or have a heart to heart talk. I prefer the heart to heart talk. It has worked for many and it can work for you too.

Thank you! We live in the 21st century and more to that abroad. If you don't know, hear it from me now: gone are the days when men were the sole breadwinners and providers. I'll not talk about how our bills are shared. If I were u, I'll stick to the info provided here and not try to assume other things.

Thanks for ur advice though. I can make use of your last paragraph

Madmazel99:
Your problem is that you two seems to be in some sort of competition with each other. Trying to out best each other in insults, threats and curses.

Have you ever thought of doing the opposite of what you have in your mind when trouble is looming? Instead of insisting on your brother to stay, can't you tell him to go and come back?

Why creating unnecessary tension when you could have easily cool it down and move on from that? Una two like trouble. Always want to prove a point with every situation.


Tell your brother to go and come back. Simple.

Thank you sir. It might interest u to know that as soon as I said but babe we can all live here with my brother he exploded and said so many things including saying his family will not come. He ended the call before proceeding to send insulting and threatening voicenotes� I did not respond to any of the voisenotes.

Even if the brother has to go, there's no way of telling him because we have not talked since then. I called him back when he ended the call after ranting and he did not pick and hasn't called back. I WILL NOT CALL HIM. THIS LIFE I CAN'T KILL MYSELF

His dad called this morning to checkup on us and he hasn't heard from his son.

MadarasBlade:


Everything you said is right, but you see the bolded, abeg no repeat am again.

You dodge family ties with him hahahaha. You very funny �

Bluecurtain:
1. You'll get tons of wrong advice here,,from young boys and ladies,,especially frustrated ladies without partners,, they're always happy to see marriages with little cracks,, they're always quick to tell women to leave their men.

2. Don't take it on your parents inlaw for not picking you up at the airport,,that's your husband's fault,, he should have instructed one of his siblings to do that.

3. Your hubby going round looking for spiritualists is very wrong, pls involve the services of a marriage Councillor if need be.

4. Don't follow the advice of the guys telling you to divorce your hubby. Marriage is different from dating/courtship. The pressures sets in when the kids come,,when family issues arises etc.

Best of luck

Thank you! I sincerely appreciate your comment. Non judgemental and constructive. Thanks

LongBig:
You are sacred to lose him, he knows this so well so using it to torment you. Yes be submissive to your husband, but same husband need to respect his wife, I see no respect in this marriage. Your brother should go because his family are coming, on what basis can that be justify? A fellow that contributed little or nothing to the trip. You deserve better.

Away from that, you don’t want to visit Nigeria, why?

Thank you! You are funny �. Why do you think I don't want to visit Nigeria? Of course I love to visit Nigeria just not this time �

Channah1:
If I read well, you said he didn't fute any of the expenses you made for this trip? Yet he wants to dictate how you should run your vacation and who stays and leaves for who? Damn it! He's high on some nasty substance.

He has no right whatsoever to ask your brother to leave the house, even if he was the one that paid for the guest house. I mean... Isn't your brother just like his own brother and son to his parents?
Why the segregation? Una dey marry o.

My advice. It's high time you left that marriage cos it doesn't really hold much for you as things stand cos he leaves you to fute your bills yourself, accuses you and your mum of being fetish, visits spiritualists and is now threatening to deal with you. Separate from him for now until he's ready to be reasonable and accomodating.

Yes I paid 100% for my vacation.
I'm highly considering your last paragraph (advice). Seperate until he's ready to change and if not, move on. Can't live like this.

Thank u

Dear nairalanders,
I'm here with another marriage wahala and need your candid opinion. I'll appreciate mature advice and ignore trolls/insults. Thanks in advance

So my hubby and I have been married for 8years with 2 kids. The first 5years of our marriage was a bliss but the last 3years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. From arguments, insults, accusations... etc from both parties. The worst of them all was hubby accusing me of attempting to "charm" him. Before God and man I wouldn't be here writing this if I had ever attempted such. He did not only accuse me of that, he said my mom and I tried it and I brought a charm to the house (SMH). I asked where the charm is and he said it was removed spiritually by soothsayers. NB: he consults native Dr's like his life is dependent on them. We live abroad and have been here for years yet he consults and communicate with different native Dr's more than the people in Africa. I'm not judging him here, I'm just pained because he dragged my name and mom's into it. Well this aside

So we had a fight over bringing a parent over to help us with childcare. I wanted my mom to come and he wanted his to come so we ended up not bringing anyone. We only had 1child then. Now that we have 2, we literally can't afford childcare for both kids who are not yet in school and we are both full time students at the moment. So to avoid issues, I told him that we should bring his mom. I personally did the application and paid for her medicals out of my pocket. I didn't want the fight of who's coming to begin again so I just said let's file in for your mom and he obliged and I did the application and now we are waiting.

I'm currently on maternity leave so I told him I'd like to travel to Africa for vacation to get a break from abroad. He was fine with it so we did all the arrangements. Our families live in Cameroon and we both grew up in Cameroon (Nigerians though). Given the insecurity in the English part of Cameroon, we rented a guest house in The French part so families can visit. I paid for everything (flight, guest house and even the allowance I brought to cameroon ��). He gave me no support which I am not very happy about but haven't voiced it out to him.
So I informed my inlaws and my family that I was coming with the kids. Non of them have ever met our kids and it took us 5years to have these children so I'd think they'll all be excited to meet them. My parents and sisters family said they were coming to pick me up from the airport but not a single inlaw opted to come and pick me up. No problem! I've been here for 3weeks, called my parents inlaws as soon as I arrived and non of them have come to visit me. All my family members left and I'm here with my brother. Of course I can't be alone with the kids given the insecurity. So hubby called and said his parents will be coming next Tuesday and I should make arrangements for my brother to leave. The guest house is a 2bedroom (rooms upstairs) and 2 bathroom. My brother has been sleeping in the living room since he came and my inlaws are coming to spend 3 or 4days so I'll still need my brother around when they are gone. My dear nairalanders, must my brother go before my inlaws come? Can all of us not stay in the house? As soon as hubby said brother needs to go and I expressed my disagreement, he insulted the hell out of me and said he's been planning to deal with me and will teach me a lesson. He said "I don't know him, he's going to deal with me". He dropped the call and sent a couple of voice messages with insults and threats.He said non of his family members will come here and I can do whatever I like it's my business. His family takes instructions from him so I'll not be shocked if they don't come.On a normal day I'll reciprocate but I held my self and did not reply to a single voicenote. I left him a message that we'll talk when he's calm. Since then he's not picking my calls. I stopped calling.

Put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you will do? Truth be told I've been tired of this marriage for the past 3yrs and came to Cameroon just to rest my head and be away from him. Yet I am still dealing with this.

KingNom:
Congratulations on Your Baby Girl!

Pls get, study and Diligently apply the knowledge in this Book 'HOW TO MAKE YOUR FAITH WORK' by Pastor Chris Oyakhilome! You'll see wonders afterwards!

Be strong dear!

Thank you!
Where can I get the book from?

234dm8:
Why are you painting your husband so black in order to gain public sympathy?

I don’t believe this your tale by moonlight until I hear from your husband’s side.

Moreover you are so disrespectful for referring to your husband as “This man”

Ok oga hahahaha
Nairaland.com be cracking me up.

britiko:



Dear Op,
this is so long, I feel your pain and I'm glad you are able to express your feelings.

I understand your anxiety about having a second child immediately most especially after struggling to have the first. trying for a child in itself is emotionally draining and could be cost-intensive depending on your location. Your husband might not yet recover from the emotional stress of the first one, so just let him relax. I also understand ur anxiety might be from the perspective of age not being on ur side or you approaching menopause.
but in all, please be calm and commit your heart desires to God. Good thing you still do have regular sex, in some marriages resentment might av set in and sex wouldn't happen. And its okay to want a second child even if you regret ur marriage at the moment. God forbid, if the marriage doesn't work on the long run, you have ur kids for same man rather than hopping around and you can concentrate on urself and kids. I will advice you try all methods and medications you used in conceiving the first except if it was thru IVF, then u require medical assistance which is emotionally draining in itself so understand your husband and just pet and pray with him.

As regards child care, let the matter rest since he's paying the bills. Your baby will be fine. just ensure the childcare is licensed. I understand the peace of mind you have knowing your child is with a trusted adult but you know, let it go for peace to reign.
Childcare is crazily expensive in Canada most esp Ontario and a child ur age will pay close to 1500cad per month and people are able to save by bringing in one of the moms to assist. The worst thing is you won't qualify for a child care subsidy if you have a household income of over $55,000. and that d part most people don't understand. Childcare benefit isn't relevant if you earn well as it's favourable to low-income earners.

Also, you preferring your mom to come over is okay. Every lady feels free around their mom than MIL which could be due to vulnerability after childbirth, and usually, the moms take turns. However, it seems your husband doesn't feel free around your mum hence, his resistance. Yes, u might av a good relationship with his family but what is ur mums relationship to him? And why does he think you are dominating over him? do you always force your decisions over him?

I would attribute, your nagging as a coping mechanism since you said you began nagging after the incidence. This feeling is valid and okay. You cant be living as couples and your partner is mute to ur discussions all in the name of avoiding trouble and you guys end up sweeping issues under the carpet without resolving them. And him getting physical 4 times in the last 6 yrs is a NO-NO. He should learn to keep his hands to himself and talk as an adult. You guys need a marriage counsellor before things get out of hand. Your benefits at work should cover this expense or pay from your pocket for your own sanity. Please seek for help. You need someone to vent to and express urself to. And stop reporting him to his mom/ third party, it's obvious they have no hold or he has no reference for them.

Being emotionally abused is worse than physical abuse. You need to be in the right frame of mind to take care of your child before you start transferring aggression to the baby, God forbid. Please seek counselling.(Not church counselling o) Family service counselling will be better.

As regards him being numb to ur feelings and not caring, please put a trusted friend on speed dial for emergencies. I just hope u don't fall into medical distress whereby you are groaning and moaning and he ignores you. Yorubas say " bi a ban ja kin see bi ka ku"... (meaning even if we are fighting it's not up to the level of death). Abeg, secure urself. You need a friend, preferably a disciplined female friend that will honour ur secrets but you can feel vulnerable with. meaning you can cry, talk and relieve pent up emotions without being judged. also, this person can pray along with you. it could be a sibling. you cant be an island, we always need a shoulder to lean on.

As regards the native doctors, I'm assuming you knew he was into this stuff before you got married but you were less concerned due to reasons best known to you or you were hoping he would change. You cant change an adult, you can only tolerate. The bible says can two work together except they agree? and what relationship has light got to do with darkness? You guys are definitely not on same level faith wise and I'm scared his native doctors don't turn around to tell him you are after his life and he tries to kill you. He believes these people and will always act according to their instructions. This to me is very serious and deadly.

In conclusion, please seek help from a specialist (a marriage counsellor). You husband has pent up issues that he needs to divulge to a counsellor.
If things don't improve, you might need to separate for a while to give yourselves enough time and space away from each other to reevaluate your marriage. Please note that separation isn't the same as divorce. It's better to leave so you can live for your child. May the Lord guide you through this thing called marriage.


Shalom!!!

Wow! You committed your time to this and I can't thank u enough.
We are based in Ontario so u bet how much we are spending on childcare. That's sorted out though bc I've concluded that my mom will only ever come here after his must have come and gone. I've told him this so whenever he decides, his mommy can come.

I appreciate everything u said.
Thank you!

wendixx:


Hi dear,

From your write up I see you have a good heart. You will be fine. It's ok to be frustrated at the turn of events, who wouldn't be? However, don't dwell on it. Worrying over things you can't change will even get you more worked up.

In marriage we fall in and out of love with our partners many times. At times we feel like strangling them, at other ties we are all lovey-dovey, so just relax although with your eyes and ears open. To control your over talking as you said, just take a deep breath when you feel like over talking and bite your lips, try it, it works.

About the native doctors he visits, don't talk again to him about it, rather talk to GOD about it. Everyday and night ask God to sever their relationship and open his eyes of understanding. What God cannot do does not exist, and he is even able to give new hearts to men and pierce even the hardest of hearts, WOW!! ( Eze 36:26, Heb 4:12).

You will be amazed at the turn of events and you wouldn't even have to lift a finger or your voice to get him to dance to your tune (talking from personal experience). Think happy thoughts and be positive. This is just a phase and it will pass soon. God bless you

Thanks a bunch for your valuable input and time. God bless

Mcslize:
Vevojoy

I understand your plight. But I can tell you that the whole issue is being complicated due the nagging aspect. If you can work on that aspect of you, trust me, you will notice great improvement on his part.

Let me give you a scenario. There was a lady I was dating sometime ago. She nag a lot. Any time I see her calls I always feel unhappy cuz I knew it's nagging she want to nag again.

So most times I do refuse picking her calls just to escape the nagging. But I was wrong. She will go to WhatsApp and drop bunch of messages, I will just read and not reply. She will then resort to insulting me with full paragraph of pages on WhatsApp, I will just read and not reply her.

She continues insulting and nagging but I won't alter a single word. She was like, I was a heartless human being. But I told her that I wasn't heartless, that the whole problem was from her. If she can work on her nagging attitude, we will just be fine.

At a point, she tried making amend and when I noticed she has changed a bit, I started giving her attention.

So, what am I saying? Men hate nagging. It chokes them up. So if you can take it by yourself to work on that aspect of you, trust me, your husband will start giving you the attention you need and start treating you right. Instead of nagging him, try and be more polite in your approach towards him when talking to him.

If you can do this, trust me, things will go back to how they were before.

Ok thank you. I appreciate your advice.

psalms37:
Madam, nobody is perfect and I don't think a divorce is the answer as every relationship has its own challenge. Having said that I have a few observations from your write up and maybe some suggestions too.
1. I don't think your husband is heartless, rather I believe you've been using emotional blackmail (crying, silent treatment etc) in the past and he has decided to become numb to it. See ehn, men can be funny at times, they can decide to teach their partner a lesson and do things to hurt that person even sometimes hurting themselves or doing what they aren't proud of in the process. This COULD be the situation in your case and h just wants you to let off his case a bit.
2. Have you considered thinking about things from his own stand? He may have his reasons for not agreeing to your mum of his coming over. I think you should stop talking about it completely and make arrangements suitable for your baby, you could hire mature nanny who'd come to the house to care for baby while you're at work. That way baby gets her full sleep and since he doesn't mind paying then I think it's perfect.
3. You need to have a talk with yourself and decide to be the woman he fell in love with. Decide to love him and love him even when he gives you attitude, seduce him is he not your husband. I believe he'll come around
4. You have to let him know physical abuse is unacceptable and you would not hesitate to involve the police if he lays a finger on you, love and being married doesn't turn one stupid, thankfully, you live in a sane clime so if he ever touches you again in violence, sistership, call the police and let him cool his anger in the cell. You also get angry at times and don't hit him so why should he feel free to do that to you. Take a stand on it and ensure you do the needful if he doesn't live up to his word.
5. Finally about the native doctor, there may be nothing you can do about this o except to keep praying for him and working on yourself. You could think about some of the suggestions above, pick up a few of them and act on it wait for awhile to observe his behavior to your new self then have a heeart-heart conversation with him to talk about your marriage and your concern s about his penchant for native things.
Being married for 6years in the abroad is no joke and you are a survivor but we are all works in progress and can certainly do with external help from time to time.

Thank you!

Eluala:


Na im una still dey quarrel? Lol. Ok this time, you guys should change position, if you were doing doggy, change to missionary, any position to make both you be looking each other in the eyes, then do a lot of kissing.

Move from a lot of sex to more love making. Lol....you never can tell...It does magic.

By the way, you can also speak in tongues when the conjugal position is assumed and there is interlocking of the genital tools of pleasure generation. Lol.

I think you guys are just going through a phase in marriage which is perfectly normal and most marriages do experience such upheavals too, nothing too serious and I encourage you to not make an industry out of it. You know men can be like little kids sometimes. We lose attention too fast and somehow develop what I may term 'buyer's remorse'. But remain steadfast and conquer him with love, he will come round. For the fact you guys are still having great sex, then chill, na shakara season. You guys will be fine. I am speaking from over 16 years experience by the way.

And his use of Native doctors? please don't judge him and stop reporting him to his mum on that. Look at it this way, it could have been him depending on his Pastor for spiritual guidance. Find a way to play along with him to even understand the dynamics of his belief in the thing, if he finds you to be that genuinely interested and non judgmental, then he will begin to trust you more and only then can you have a reasonable chance of gradually talking him out if. I wish you all the best. It's not that bad and like a lot of people have advised, learn to have a calm disposition and reduce your own internal stress level, all will be well. Life is not that serious and I think your man is still 100% in love with you and committed to you, the issues notwithstanding. He is tactfully sending you a message which if printed should read something like "You can no longer always have your way with nagging, tantrums, begging, crying, shouting or other forms of emotional abuse/manipulation". Stop and reassess your engagement style. Learn to let him have his way as the head of the home and after a while he will get tired of it and trust me, you will still ultimately be in charge.

The woman is designed to be the weaker vessel, but do you know that her strength is actually manifested in the same weakness. You are wise. Keep your home together. It's in your hands and I believe that's what you are driving at, the reason you made this post. You will succeed.

U nailed it big time. Thanks for you wonderful advice. I'm taking this into action.
Thanks oncemore

AlfaB:
You are a bad wife.

See what the scripture says.
Genesis 2:18
“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

This means that you are but a helper to your husband. But you are not helping him. Change your ways.

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Stop nagging him and submit to all his wishes.

Titus 2:5
To be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Working at home! That's what you must do. YOU! Not your mum, not his mum. YOU.

You must stay home and work if you want to save your marriage!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

You boast that you can be independent of him. That is not love
You insist of having your own way instead of submitting. That is not love
You should bear him if you love him.
You should share his beliefs if you love him
You must endure if you truly love him.

1 Timothy 3:11
Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things.

By complaining about him to his mum, especially about things he told you in confidence, you have slandered him and shown unfaithfulness. You are not a good wife.

Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

You do not challenge your ruler. Ever. By challenging your husband and his beliefs, you are challenging God's edict. That is very wicked.

1 Timothy 2:11
Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness.

Don't talk back to your husband.


My advice is follow him and his ways. Tell him you want to visit the native doctors with him and perform any rituals he requires of you. Ask him what he wants and do it.

Hahahahaha u got me laughing. I hear u

donnie:


She should complicate her life abi? I think she is too pushy and has this idea of an ideal marriage that she doesn't seem to be acheiving. If your husband is a selfish man, still act wisely and humbly as a woman and you will still be attractive to him. Don't try to claim right by saying "compromise on both sides". He should know that if he is wise. Even if he isn't he will learn the hard lesson in his own.

So you want him to sleep with you after dragging right? How na... when you be boss?

Just pray for him and believe... It will turn out for your good.

We've been having sex. We just can't have a baby without medical help. Thank you!

SunTzu123:


From your narrative, the problem is just between you and your husband? Then it's actually simple.
Since you're working and he is working too, enroll in an online PG studies. Or take a one year course to enhance your value. I discovered this secret a long time ago; whenever there's crisis in the moment, setting higher goals focuses your energy and emotions on something of greater value. The present wranglings will just die off. With time, your relationship will normalize. But the babalawo part I don't have any suggestions.

I hope this works out for me. I actually just enrolled in a program and started it this month.
Thank you!

greenguy:
You're the main problem.



I am married and I'd tell you why if you care to know.

Why?

Biglittlelois:
Only few people get Op's problem

The baby/mother/mother in law issue has been resolved, the child goes to a nursery,

The problem, how to tackle the hold oga native doctor has on her husband, that is the main problem right now

@Op pls ignore those asking for.your tribe, the want to go tribal and start an unending war of words on here, pls don't indulge them at all.

Thanks my dear.
I appreciate all your inputs.
I'm not saying anything about tribe

Michelle55:
Ma'am just focus on yourself and baby for now and I'm glad you've acknowledged your flaws, kindly reduce your nagging it gives a man mental breakdown. Develop that will to always walk away when the urge to start nagging comes in.

Here's what I do to stay sane and give my partner peace:

Either he listen while I roll out my grievances or I listen to him (you both can't talk at same time, you would only end up achieving nothing)

I don't know how to nag but anything that made me talk to you anyhow, then you actually called for it because I'm not one to loose my cool on trivial matters (it simply means you should talk when it's at the breaking point and not every time so that he would know the gravity of what he did wrong, a sensible man should know when he has erred big time)

Stop reporting him to a third party even if it happens to be his parents ( is that how he reports your matter to yours?) it's your home so chin up and man it properly.

In all of your complains, I didn't see where you praised him or tell his good side at all, it's all about his wrong doings. A good wife and mother starts with telling us how good the man is and then digress a little bit into his shortcomings while seeking help (you've washed, spread and iron out your husband's linen to the public which doesn't tell good) trust me, he wouldn't do that to you.

A happy man would gladly try for baby 2 in fact he would even be eager to do it but since he's not psychologically and mentally ready he wouldn't think of that (give him a break in that department) try and rekindle that love in his heart for you and pray instead of complaining.

Care, love and pamper him and most importantly talk less!

Thanks for your wonderful input.

I'll try your tip on the nagging issue and I'll for sure remember your last sentence.

I appreciate your time and input.

bukatyne:


I never said sex solve problems.

But if you are still able to have constant sex in the toxicity you painted, then the issue is not as terrible as you painted it.

One of the major things that fly out of the window when marriages go sour is sex/intimacy.

Goodluck.

I get you sis. Thank you very much.

sweetmelanin:


Calm down madam. UK is merely a reference point since you mentioned you live abroad..

Your husband pays the nursery fees yet that isn't enough for you.. smh

... If truly you can afford to bring your mother wherever you are, go ahead and do so but please also ensure you also rent an apartment for her as well since you are so financially bouyant... Don't expect your husband to tolerate such expenses just because he married you. You are abroad, not in Nigeria!

Thanks for ur input.

bukatyne:


In this situation?

And you both can't resolve your issues thereafter?

Toor!

Sex doesn't solve problems.
Thank you!

sweetmelanin:


This is the life of 95% of parents abroad so I need you to put your big girl panties on and get on with life... welcome to motherhood, welcome to adulthood!

Not everyone can afford such luxury of bringing a mother across nations simply to help take care of your child... especially when you outrightly insisted on your own mother! I honestly can't blame your husband for his reluctance.. try and see things from his perspective too... have you truly thought about the costs? Visa application, flight tickets, cost of maintenance when she gets there; feeding, higher electricity&water bills etc.. he will need to show proof of sufficient funds to cover her maintenance for the entire duration of her stay there.. that is approx £7000 or £10000 that has been sitting in his account for at least three consecutive months prior to filing the visa application.
It's simply not fair to expect him to be burdened with all that for your own mother while he may secretly be wishing his own mother also deserves such investment. I think you should just forget it if you won't be funding your mother's trip yourself..

There are ways you can minimize childcare costs abroad:
- you can opt to be a stay at home mum if your job is low paying i.e. if you deduct childcare costs from your salary and the balance it isn't up to £500, just stay at home.
- you can get a part time/work from home job which allows you to stay home with your kid.
- Claim child benefit.
- You can get 15-30 hours free childcare (per week) sponsored by the government once your little one turns 2 or 3 years old (UK).

The other alternative is to move back to nigeria if you feel you can cope better over there..

Thanks for ur writeup and for welcoming me to motherhood. I think after struggling for many years to have my little one, it's but normal to have anxiety about her wellbeing before coming to terms with the fact that I'm in the 95%team.
..
Money is the least of our issues and for u to assume he'll be spending out of his pocket to get my mom here is kind of funny. I wouldn't talk about our finances here anyway.

Everyone is not based in the UK and no thanks, being a stay at home mom is not for everyone.

Whatever the case, ur input is appreciated.

LordKO:
You're in a loveless marriage. It doesn't matter whether you're the reason why your husband doesn't love you, or he didn't achieve self-realization before marrying you; however, his actions and inaction show that he regrets getting married to you, citing your submission. So, the problem in your marriage didn't start from the point you made your choice to have your biological mother to visit - which under normal circumstances shouldn't have caused a problem, even if he's unfavorably disposed to the idea - the problem only reared up its ugly head from that point.

He's a man who hasn't conquered himself ethically and mentally, thus the reason why he's a slave to native doctors - the native doctors aren't the problem, but him. He isn't fit enough to lead himself, least of leading another grown-up in particular and a family in general. It doesn't matter whether he's of good financial and academic standing. By the way, your shortcomings are glaring; strive to be less self-absorbing.

Wow! Thanks my dear for your wonderful input.