₦airaland Forum

baldman:
I remember reading this thread during those years when I was to waiting to get married. So it is give back time. The first year of our marriage was a joyful one and full of blessings too. We went on honeymoon (Dubai) came back and I was able to buy a car for my wife. I also got assigned to a more favourable role at work. We conceived after exactly a month and we had sex almost every day of the pregnancy, until she had to travel to have the baby and we resumed as soon as I was able to join them up till the day before the baby was delivered. We were celibate until the wedding so this was so fulfilling. God blessed us with a bouncing baby boy and we have been back to love making since 13weeks after the baby. Our relationship has gotten better, we communicate well and neither of us has difficulty saying sorry. I do not want my wife to get mad and she avoids getting me mad too. To someone else, my wife may be such an incompetent wife and to another woman, I may be too finicky for a man but we have been ok with each other. She is fast settling down to the wife role and we are completely opened to each other about everything. God indeed answers prayers. I thank God I did not make the mistake of letting her go and I am trusting God to continue to help us.

Awwwwwww....so sweet. May God continue to bless your marriage ehn. There are always always blessings attached to obedience o.

photo??

Hi all...
My nokia dual sim phone fell on saturday. Since then, whenever I plug it to charge, it indicates charging but does not charge. That is, the bar does not increase.
Any way out? It's almost dead pls

My fears...

Falling to grass again
Bad marriage
Failing my children
Failing as a first child

The pressure is real...but I choose to believe!

Elder001:
Since you want him to softpedal on being the head of the home(a position which even places more burden on the man) ,would you also tell his wife to softpedal on her financial demands?

Because if you don't agree to him calling the shots and deciding what goes, then the bills must be shared (trust me, no sane African man will allow a woman take decisions for him when it comes to matters like this and he's providing everything 100%)

heheheheheeeee ....I'm amused o!. Sha you have forgotten that a lot of women work and earn a lot these days ni. Many(not all) share bills with their husbands already. And trust me, the "women" I refer to here can meet their own small-small needs too. They do not have to wait for their husbands before they buy stuffs for the home. One of my "mummys" does not even allow her husband buy anything foodstuff..she handles it all. The man does other stuffs.

Also, are you saying that its only when a woman shares the bill that she has a say in the home? I just want to be clear ni o. No offence intended.

TonyeBarcanista:
[s][/s]
Case closed!

Really? No response as to whether your people can ever be wrong??
Okay o..I expected you to be as honest as acidosis. But then, not all men would be like that.

Indeed Case Closed!! I got what I wanted

TonyeBarcanista:
Firstly, what you call ranting is actually a response to one of your kind. Please, check the meaning of "rant"


I don't know your family but in mine we love each other. I have always maintained on this forum since I joined that my family is what I don't joke with


If by poor you mean wealth, I find this text absurd!

Lemme tell you, I don't respect money as much as I respect people. This is a FACT! Whether I am rich or not, I dont oppress people because humility is a virtue and success/wealth should humble people not puff up. Whether a girl is rich or poor is irrelevant to me.

But if by "poor" you mean one who's in a helpless situation, then that is another unfortunate statement. A single lady that I find worthy enough has option of accepting or rejecting my terms even before marriage, I also have the privilege of marrying who I feel is ideal for me or otherwise. It is NOT by force!! Nobody is holding anyone to ransom.


Wrong!

My wife is deemed a member of the family by integration AFTER marriage.


My family members are loving, accommodating and forever have my back and those of my kids and wife. She (wife) must (it is nonnegotiable) integrate herself and enjoy the privileges of being a member of my family. Simple!

Plenty aggression onto simple question
You still did not answer the last question...its a yes or no thingy oga...no need to fight me ehn..and leave my family out of your tirade. You don't have to disrespect other people's people to show loyalty to yours naa
About the "poor" phrase, I'll ignore the comment...if you do not understand what I mean there, whats now the point of explaining?

Antipob777:
Very ugly, shapeless and a bastardized igbo girl.

She is just after the money. This Chioma is an illiteracy, no wonder she can't even spoke a good English.

Nonsense

Yes ooooooo....she is an "illiteracy", infact, an "illiteracy" is her!
Stop hating joor.. And yes, "spoking English" is her problem o

TonyeBarcanista:
No, some Naija women have this deep hatred towards members of Husband's family. I, will not allow that happen in mine. Never!!!

It is either she integrate into my family or she evaporate forever!!!

Oga e don do..this your ranting sef. You know what they say about an empty drum...Are you sure you really love your family? Abi all these na show to oppress poor single ladies (those that are gullible anyway)

Anyway, your point is taken...correct me if wrong please
1. Your family(parents and siblings) would always come before your own(nuclear) family...this implies that your wife does not actually become your family when you marry her.

2. Your family members(extended) can never go wrong

Right?

Acidosis:
Your in-laws should be ready to accept whatever discipline, food, clothe, and anything you so decide to do with the child. There is no right or wrong approach. When a child comes to live with you, the parents automatically lose the right to dictate what to do with the child in your home. If they're not satisfied with the way you and your hubby run your home, just leave the door open for them to walk away.

Your response make sense. Now this is getting somewhere...As a man, if your sister reports to you that your wife maltreats your niece...of which you are usually not around to see what truly goes on, what would you do? Would you ask your niece to leave if your wife is innocent? Would you support her if you have proof..or if you just know the woman you married is not a monster? Would you turn your back on those tagging her "witch" just to stick to her (with proof of course)?

Acidosis:
The right thing is refusing to apply the terrible and bad experiences of e.g. cococandy, in your relations with in-laws, especially those you haven't even met.

What is the right approach to avoid problems when I discipline the girl?

Acidosis:
Jesus! So loving ones in-law has even become a thing of "if you could"?

How do you guys do it? Marry a man whose family you dislike/hate? Any marriage built on that foundation is going to crumble. You guys go around marrying men with the intention of hating their families. This is evil honestly.

I think you intentionally misunderstand her concerns. Have you never seen cases where accepting to train someone else's child backfire?

Acidosis:
It is not about imposition, but doing the right thing.

I want to ask you also...what is this "right thing" you talk about?

TonyeBarcanista:
You don't know them and you should ask questions next time.

Her husband is the BOSS of their home, being a boss doesn't mean he won't "consult" or seek opinion of the wife (OPINION) especially when he finds her sensible but he makes the decision.

As a man, his home is also open to his family, they can show up at any time without his permission (quote me) and he can show up at any time in their own houses without their permission. All he had to do is to notify them of his coming ditto them.

My Sister (his wife) can show up at the houses of any of her in-laws and stay as long as she wishes if her husband permit and if necessary, all she has to do is to notify/inform them and that's it. If I want to visit my sister's house, I don't even call her husband! I only tell my sister, she informs her husband and (unconsciously seek/get permission- which she always get), and I go there and stay as long as I desire if I wish and if necessary. That is family!

The kids are so free with each other that you won't even know which kid is for which parent.

My Dear, I don't know the kind of family you have or your mentality but I just showed you a picture of my own family. In my family we have each others back. We are one! My wife is not starting a new family with me, she is integrating into mine while I accept hers as mine.

OP and her comrades should stop exhibiting witchcraft towards in-laws

I like the "integrate" term... I want to ask you-Have you never seen a situation where it went wrong? Have you never seen families where the elder brother is trying to sabotage the younger?
If you haven't then I'll understand.

ImaIma1:
It is a pity that many mature men do not understand anything about marriage.

It will shock them when they go for marriage counselling and they tell them to keep inlaws from all sides at bay.

Even when they are told, they would not adhere. Women should really choose their spouses well o..making sure you discuss issues like this before any wedding.

yvelchstores:
Sorry to ask but it's where my heart it directed. What sort of business was he into? How was he making the money?
I ask because if it was not genuine, it can only go as it came. Why did your friend not also have business ideas when he had money. It's God that gives ideas to make wealth so I will suggest Ur friend to look inwards.
Even if the wife is lazy, that shouldn't be the reason for his situation. He should look inwards, when a man seeks God, he finds him.

I get your point...but sincerely, the man has no fault in blaming her for being lazy. That's why they say-marry someone with ambition and goals. She obviously had none before the wedding and it worsened after. A woman should increase her husband in every way...not leave him to do it all while she relaxes.
Its a different thing if she tried and it didn't work out though.
Omo...this marriage thing na to shine eyes oooo

alhassanyusuf29:
what about what she did to Collins?

I tire oooo

Why 2baba chain dey inside cloth sef? Him tuck in?

Sagamite:
How could I not be happy when I stick to the mantra that anyone that comes and remains in my life must make me happier than I was before them?

Okaaaay...I didn't understand the "Mantra" before ni. Hope you're making them happy too sha..life na give and take o

But why is there still makeup on her face naa? Shabi she was stepping outta the pool ni? I confuse ooo

ClassicQueen:
Goodevening ma'am please I hope you are not my sister on Nairaland? Your case is exactly the same thing I faced while growing up. My Dad is late now and could you believe that all his so called relatives abandoned us immediately he died? My dad was the bread winner who took care of all of them. They all came and go at will with that same self entitled mentality... Same scenario you pointed out. We all suffered when he died cos we were abandoned. Those people always disappear as soon as the man is no more. Thank God for his mercy I'm married now in a good home and my siblings too are doing well. I guess it is because of my Dads good deeds that is the reason God allowed me end well. I'm trying to avoid such scenario in NY home too. Silly in laws with self entitled mentality

Not all are like that... Please do not generalize.

TonyeBarcanista:
Jesus!

So Naija women are these wicked? I just saw display of witchcraft and evil towards in-laws. No wonder....

Meanwhile, @OP just thank your God that your husband is even seeking opinion from you. If I was the one I will simply inform you and bring the girl. My niece is also my child! You married into my family and must accept my family as yours.

As for her cheerleaders, may God not bring your kind to my way... Even if He does, I will tame that person!

May my sisters and I never meet you or any of your kind....may God keep us far from you and your kind...the kind who think women are animals to tame, the kind who never take counsel from their wives, the kind who think they are alphas and omegas and can do as they please.

Well, anyman who would support Saraki and his men (PDP) can never ever ever ever ever come our ways. And since birds of a feather flock together, I'm confident we cannot meet.

Please feel free to populate your house with nieces, nephews, first cousins, second cousins, third cousins etc....

Clarathomp:
Dear Acidosis,

You judge us (women) too harshly. I think our life experiences tend to shape our thoughts, feelings and default reactions to things. For example I grew up in a family where my father's people (i.e. my mother's in-laws) were hardly ever helpful around the house. They were only good at taking, taking and taking never giving back anything good in return. They would visit empty handed and still look for what they could take away while some of their children were already living with us and being catered for by my dad. Both their parents being alive in our case too.

My mom's people on the other hand were the sweetest, they weren't so well to do but they would visit with the little they could afford like a bag of garri, oranges or whatever food stuff was in season at that time in the village. In addition to that, they would help around the house with chores and generally be so awesome that when it was time for them to leave, we felt bad.

Please stay with me because I'm going somewhere with this. My father's people were the sort of guests you wished wouldn't visit because of their selfish & entitled attitude. They were the sort of guests you tolerated and were eager for them to leave whereas my mother's people were the sort of guests you celebrated and didn't want to see them go anytime soon.

Growing up I have seen my own family life & history, repeat itself and play out in most families/homes. One thing has become clear to me. A man's family/people tend to have little or no regard for his wife and his household even though they keep claiming brotherhood with him. A man's people also come in with this mentality & attitude, that this is my brother's house so the tendency to behave poorly triples.

Now a woman's family/people on the other hand are mindful of the fact that even though this is my sister's house I need to be respectful of her spouse and household and they conduct themselves appropriately in a way that is ten times better than a man's family would do. There are rare exceptions though where a woman's family/people can be the troublesome in-laws......but from personal experience the issues often come from a man's people.

Based on my own personal experience as a child and young adult (whilst growing up in my parents house) I mentally cringe and hesitate at the thought of having my man's people live with us in marriage. Mind you, I am still single and not even in a serious dating relationship, but the thought of that happening causes me to be mentally stressed because of my childhood experience with my father's folks. Those people were like ticks (that insect that sucks the blood out of dogs and then falls off when it is full), this is a statement of fact not a case of me bad mouthing my father's people. Guess what, my mother didn't even try to pollute my mind against them, they did that all by themselves through their deeds.

That is why I began by saying you've judged us too harshly and people's life experiences tend to shape and inform their thought processes. Having a man's relatives live with his family hardly ever goes well and I still don't understand why you men want to insist on this, even when some of you grew up in the sort of scenario I described above and know the cons of such an arrangement.

And look at him calling it witchcraft. Women generally respect their husband's family. And thus, these family members take advantage of it by behaving in ways they would not in their homes. And when the woman says "peem", there is a family meeting. I saw it happen so many times too.
He calls her "innocent"...hmmm...this child is mature enough to tell her parents of how often your family eats chicken...and that she saw you counting plenty money one-day, even though the money was the one you collected from your neighbors for the repair of the transformer. Funny thing is, you would not be there to defend yourself. Husband's family will begin to see you through the "innocent" girl's eyes. That isn't fair to any man or woman. This is why most marriage counselors ask that you discuss relatives with your fiance before you marry.
God help us all sha!

Pearl05:
There is nothing wrong in 11yrs old staying with another family.


It depends on how she is being treated. Assuming you have a girl of 9 yrs as daughter and also have 2 younger kids, won't the 9 yrs be able to look after her younger ones while you are out?

Can't she sweep the floor, wash plates, play with her siblings, separate fight, wash their lunch box, socks, or even run all errands such as to buy something across the street?


Does doing all these makes the 9 yrs old a help in the her father's house? I think these and more are part of training the child.


Now we have 11yrs in question. Please if your instincts is against taking her in, then don't but she will be helpful to you when you treat her like your child . Enroll her in the same sch your kids will attend.

In her house...with her parents. And thats the point here. Send her errands while she's with you, you become a slave master. Discipline her as you would your child, you become a witch. These things are way more complicated than we see.

cococandy:
Your brain is obviously located in your anus

Onye apari

:Dthank you cococandy. I knew she was going to meet her match here. Seeing her posts in other topics just made me shake my head.

sisisioge:


I can't wait for those things jare

Don't worry..you fine well well so it won't be long.

OP, please define the term for me...do you mean any guy...or guys interested in the gal?
I don't think its fair to generalize that every guy collects a lady's contact just to disturb her or ask her out. Most do sha!

Wilfredpat22:
We women are really wicked honestly. What is wrong in helping your fellow woman out with her own kids and treating her child as her own. Your own child someone will do the same. I am sure you are Igbo, most igbo women are selfish and think about themselves.

When your husband faces small tribulation, it is still the same you that will go out and open your legs wide for every Dick, Tom and Harry.

Wait ooo...whats with Nigerians and this generalization thing? I'm not Igbo but my good friend Tochukwu is one of the selfless people I know...not an iota of selfishnes in him.
Even if OP treats the gal as her own, the gal will NEVER see OP as her mother. (I've been there...not as the woman o. as the child). And she offered to help by setting up the mother. I think that's good. You?

mrblessed:
I find it shocking and unbelievable that the mother of a two months old baby has perfected a plan on how to maltreat and frustrate the daughter of another woman. Call it whatever you like, you are guilty of premeditated violence, and what you need to get to work is the arrival of the girl. Someone asked whether you would have hold such baleful and crude notions about the girl and her family if they are your relatives?

You af vex ni
This is too much naaa....why do you accuse her of all these? She answered your question already by stating that her younger sister is in the same shoes.

OP, abeg ehn...you can take on the responsibilities of this girl while she stays with her mother. Use a creche. Your marriage is still young.

@OP, Please have a conversation with the man. He might not reason it the way you're doing?
Also, if he was still asking you out even when you were in your former relationship(was he), he might not be "the one".

cruchenutii:
Look there is no point in going around in Circles just to get to the point, Nobody has time for that. I've been in situations where Women initiated sex on the First Date after constant communication for a week, this happened to me twice. There was no tactical approach whatsoever, If/When women want to initiate sex for their own pleasure, do you think they have time for how you feel?


In conclusion, the OP wants to be celibate if I'm not wrong, Infact this has nothing to do with Tactical approach. She doesn't want to loose him & she doesn't want to tell him a Straight NO as regarding Sex. She can't sit on the fence.

And have you married the women who initiated sex with you on the first date? Let's be sincere, most married men did not marry the woman they "sexed" easily. You sound really defensive sha...are you the guy ni??

Sagamite:
Men! Thank fcking God that I still STRICTLY live by this mantra.

And happy I presume?