You and your wife can reorganize if she isn't working and you don't want to be sending stuffs to your MIL every month. She can start working (you may have to start paying housekeepers/nannys) and be able to support her mother every month or you can be giving her allowance from which she can send money to her mother without it getting on your nerves when she has to ask every month.

It's natural for her to have thoughts of the welfare of her mother at heart and if she is a stay at home mum taking care of your family there is no way she can send stuffs as she isn't making money. If it gets on your nerves let her make her money or if you both agreed that she stay home to care for your family for you give her the ability to send stuffs to mama by giving her an allowance that way it doesn't get on your nerves and you won't know how often she gives stuffs to her mum. You don't expect her to be living in comfort and not bother whether her mum eats or not, you definitely send stuffs to your own people for sure. It is mostly men who are sure that they can provide every needs of their wives and children that ask their wives(if they are the kind of women that gladly prefer not to work) to stay home while they work for the money. If you asked your wife to stay home while you work---your irritation here shows you that you can't provide all her needs (which includes taking care of her mum by her) so let her work and hustle for the money too.

Abuja1: Thank you all for all your advice, but my last baby is just 2years, and if she is working the children will be paying more than what we are paying now,and the children will not have anyone to look after them,when they misbehave because the two of us are working the government will tax us the more coz we have much income,and I have just started our house plan in 9ja,with the little left after our expenditures and she knows all

It is good to help in-laws yet you are not obligated to take care of your in-laws. Her having to stay at home to care for your family has taken away her ability to care for her mother as she will like to so you need to be more understanding. You both agreed that she look after the children and you go making your money taking care of your needs & hers, she will definitely feel unhappy that she can't attend to all her responsibilities too which was why she felt enslaved. Give her the freedom to hustle for money too or if you prefer to hustle for both of you then you gotta really hustle for the two.

Is it not Europe, she wants to send money home abi and i am sure she craves her independence and wishes she could earn a decent wage and have this feeling of self worth and accomplishment
I hear the bells of part time tolling. When do you get back from work? Cant you guys work around something around a few hours each evening and during the weekends. And please oga sir dont complain about her being away for too long. Thats the price to pay

lucabraski: Nothing wrong in ur wifes request. If u guys were based in naija, ur wife may probably be working and would have taken up dat responsibility.

Considering d cost of getting househelps over there, ur wife is probably a full time housewife with no income of hers.

She is very right in saying dat most responsible men in naija look for ways to set up their wives, to share family burden.

which burden? If he must do that what about his own extended family burden? And perhaps his immediate family burden which includes you Marriage is not a wife's family business!!

Abuja1: I am a Nigerian living abroad with my wife,we are blessed with kids,I have a good job here, take care of my family, but my wife want us to be sending money every month to her mother,which I tell her is not possible if not we can't take care of our self anymore,she will start complaining that in Nigeria men open shop for there wife take care of there Inlaw and so on, now she is saying many men take there wife like slave here in Europe, i was forse to tell her if she feel she is been treated like a slave that i can afford her flight tickets to 9ja,have i said anything wrong,coz i do help her mother in many ways

Wondering whether anger did not cause her to voice out the feelings she is experiencing and some other things she is wishing for (in the bolded). Could it be that she is longing for a business of her own too?
Isn't this one of the reasons I think that a woman should be allowed to follow her goals and aspirations even while married, only a lazy woman will be happy to lose her financial freedom (and her ability to do sweet and great things she wishes to do and achieve) after she got married.

Abuja1: have i said anything wrong,coz i do help her mother in many ways

I feel that if you explained to her why it is not possible to send more home, then you have not said anything wrong. This is why men need to disclose the amount they are earning to their wives. If you show her what you earn and the total household expenses, she should be reasonable. If not, then send her packing!

safarigirl: Most Nigerians don't realise that places like the US and UK are much more expensive than this country on a daily basis, once they hear you don go jand, that's all the info they need, as far as they're concerned, you've hit the jackpot, and they want their share

True Talk!!

Iyaqueen:


welllllllll said, I'am a mother of 2, i dont have papers, i buy stuff to send to 9ja, £1 to max £5, primark and all, she should look out just for SALES item, cargo and sell, then she can support her mother.

D lord will establish u,and bless d work of uir hands.

xwolverine:





all that and then this?

Such a liar

Rubbish

y busting his ass

dayokanu:

You would be amazed at how many women believe this.

Imagine some are saying he should be sending money to her parents, On a thread last week, A woman was complaining that she had to pay her own childs hospital bill that very soon she would be asked to pay her childrens shool fees. Just Imagine your own childrens hospital and school fees?

On that same thread the woman was asking why her husband cant thank her for paying 1/3 of the house rent which she lives in.

Thats the thinking of most Nigerian women they are leeches.

Which brings the question what do these type of women contribute in a marriage

I think you are missing the point here completely. The poster mandated his wife NOT to work so he can further his career . . . while she stay home and takes care of their kids! If that is NOT slavery then I wonder what is.

The kids are theirs isn't it. Why cant they meet each other half way If he has to work half the time and then return home to be with the kids (since he doesn't want to pay for a sitter), and then let her do her own ?ob, will she ask him for money to send to her mom?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a master/slave r/ship.

I'm sure his wife has no qualms making her own money and supportring her mother. If however he refuses to let her work, he should be ready to take up some financial responsibilities on her behalf!

Take me for example, my mum's a widow and a pensioner and each and every one of us (her kids) contribute something for her upkeep on a monthly basis.

So if my husband decides (for some reason) that I need to stop working and be a stay at home mom, and I (for some reason) accept, isn't it proper that he steps up and contributes my part of my mum's upkeep

Does that make me and my family a leech

^^^ no it doesn't

omoabike:

I am in a similar issue with my wife and her family. Therefore, I can understand how the OP is feeling. What may be causing the issue is this mentality of some people always trying to proof that they are doing great abroad and in the process giving the wrong impression to people back at home. In my own wife’s case the pressure is from her mum. Every month she sent money to the mum and dad, and also to her siblings some of whom are working. In addition she sends to even people who are just neighbors to her family.
I was transferred out of Nigeria from work and have been out now for over 4 years. Though she was working for the government and her salary was pretty small compared to mine as I work for a Multinational Organization. Since we move I have been paying her a salary that is 3 times what she earned in Naija and have been helping her save the same for her as a savings fund for when we eventually return to Nigeria.This was agreed to by both of us because she seems not to know how to manage savings on her own according to her.
Most times however, she finds ways to ask me for the savings and almost 3 times now I have given her the money just to show that her accusation that I do not plan to give her the savings is not true.
What has happened each of the time however is that the money ends on being spent by her on no tangible things? At one time it was for her to buy shoes and bags and other stuffs for her siblings and family friends on a trip we had to the US for vacation (Vacation was paid for by my company and going to US was her idea) At one time, the excuse was that she gave her dad for the start of a planned construction on her dad's land in their hometown. No constrcution was carried out and the money could not be accounted for by her dad according to her.
What saddens me is that my wife never thinks of herself or our three kids almost everything she gets go to Naija for frivolities because if it is not a request for shoe it is for a cloth or some other unnecessary expense.
My goal of giving her salary is to not make her feels that she could not earn her own money. I take care of all other expenses in the house and I do not complain. What I would want like I have told her once is for her to tell me that she has bought a land somewhere and that she has started construction on the land because the money she gets is enough for her to do that.
My wife accusation is that I fear poverty too much which is why I am always talking about saving and planning for the future. I have given up on her seeing reason the only thing is that after paying her the salary and taking out household expenses, I am using the rest to continue the housing project I have ongoing.
My advice to the OP is to start giving the wife salary from his income because her argument would be that she is not working because you guys moved out of Nigeria. Instead of it becoming an issue between you guys, the salary should take care of that and you just would use the net for the family savings and investment.
@debrief 08
It is not all men that have the issue you mentioned which is looking for a woman to control. In fact I have never been interested in women I could control. I had always wanted a woman who will complement me and a woman who could take care of the house whenever I am not around.
This is because the women in my life before I got married (my mum and elder sister) are very independent and hardworking women.

This is a completely differnet scenario . . . .

Your wife is a slave to her own false life. She wants to be a 'big woman' to her family back home, while putting you and her own kids in dager. A typical I-better-pass-my-neighbour Nigerian mentality.

I think she's the one with the poverty mentality she's accusing you of having.

My advice . . Reduce her allowance drastically and give her some financial responmsibilitites to carry out, with the money you are giving her. It could be something as little as buying diapers for the kids, or buying their clothes e.t.c.

For a former civil servant, I'm surprised at her extravargant lifestyle . . . some women sha!

Now do some of you ever bother to check every OP's past thread to know if they are serious or not?


This one is an unserious one

jennykadry: ^^^ no it doesn't

Thank you Jenny!

I think Dayo has a phobia for spending money. It kind of makes his thoughts one-tracked when it comes to financial responsibilites of a husband. I pity e wife . . . she's in for a BIG fight!

jennykadry: Now do some of you ever bother to check every OP's past thread to know if they are serious or not?


This one is an unserious one

https://www.nairaland.com/1065994/should-marry



See me wasting cyber time for nothing . . . mtttcheeeeeeew!

Abuja1: I am a Nigerian living abroad with my wife,we are blessed with kids,I have a good job here, take care of my family, but my wife want us to be sending money every month to her mother,which I tell her is not possible if not we can't take care of our self anymore,she will start complaining that in Nigeria men open shop for there wife take care of there Inlaw and so on, now she is saying many men take there wife like slave here in Europe, i was forse to tell her if she feel she is been treated like a slave that i can afford her flight tickets to 9ja,have i said anything wrong,coz i do help her mother in many ways

You are definitely wrong with that statement Mr.
Fair enough your wife and kids are your primary responsibilities. You should have just asked her to save from the allowance you give her or better still a proportion of her salary to send to her folks.

Ujujoan:

https://www.nairaland.com/1065994/should-marry



See me wasting cyber time for nothing . . . mtttcheeeeeeew!

ROTFLMAO I remembered his username that was why I went searching the first day he started this thread. I saw the way you were posting with passion so I decided to tell you.

You see the one where he is looking for girls to be intimate with?

Lmao.

jennykadry: Now do some of you ever bother to check every OP's past thread to know if they are serious or not?


This one is an unserious one

You will do us a favour, when you see a new thread in this section, you should be one of the first people to comment. Let us know if it's real or fake before we start attacking our keyboards.

You have continually excelled at catching fake posters- kindly help us out.

jennykadry:



ROTFLMAO I remembered his username that was why I went searching the first day he started this thread. I saw the way you were posting with passion so I decided to tell you.

You see the one where he is looking for girls to be intimate with?

Lmao.

The guy na spambot . .

NL is fast turning into a huge joke!

pak: I don't know why guys are judging this story after hearing from only one side.

I am a guy and based on the little that has been said I FULLY STAND BY THE WIFE.

The reasons are stated below.


1. I send money to my mum every month. I believe that's the least I can do for her after everything she's been through. and I will be surprised if anybody thinks otherwise.

2. Retirement benefits and pension system is rubbish in this country, I mean so much fraud everywhere and If this woman is a widow, then where in the world do you expect her to get money to survive from, if not the children that she raised.

3. The issue of her mother having other children is out of it. I have always performed my filial obligations without waiting to find out if my siblings are doing same.

4. The OP stated clearly that the wife is not working because she is takin care of the kids ! Sacrificing for the family ! I have never abused anyone on Nland but I will now - If this story is true, You are such a selfish Dolt ! And yet you complain that she request that you send money to her mother ! You must be crazy ! maybe its better to watch her mother starve to death.

5. Now as per the issue of comparing her to other men and opening a shop, I think that's not the issue. The point she's trying to make is that if only she had a means of getting an income, she wouldn't have had to bother you ! This is a sign of someone who is willing to be industrious for crying out loud ! Which leads to my last point . . .

6. Indeed you are most probably treating her like a slave. You are fulfilling your dreams getting married, having kids, pursuing career, while she just sits there as a fodder for you own dreams while hers lay in tatters to the extent that she can't even on her own support her mother. And yet you have never at any point deemed it fit to see if you can in anyway see what you can do to help her achieve financial independence either by encouragement, finance or education. All you know is that if she works, they'll tax you more and there will be nobody to raise the kids ! and yet you run to Nland when its time to provide basic needs.

I mean we are not even talking of providing for nephews or cousins here - her mother ! and someone has the guts to call her a leech !! ridiculous. I mean the man should even treat her as his own mother now !!!

If I get married today, and any foolish girl tries to stop me from providin for my mum ! I can assure you, that will be the very end (that's if I dont throw her down from the tenth floor balcony first)


@Debrief - I've always followed your post on Nland and hav always been very impressed but for once this is too disappointing, being the first poster you have shepherded the remaining guys in the same direction.


@poster - You most likely have a good wife but as I said earlier, you are must be a selfish person, apologize to your wife, appreciate the sacrifices she has made and she's making and do the right thing to your mother (I intentionally did not call her your mother in law)

You apparently do not understand the post like you claim.

First, you're a MAN, the guy says his WIFe not his G.AY partner. It's in a man's place to send stuff to HIS parents, not HIS WIFE's parents, doesn't the mother in question have any OTHER CHILDREN?

2. The woman expects money from her CHUILDREN, back to the same question, is the wife her only child? Or does the woman have a bunch of opportunists as kids who feel that since 'sister' has married a man in 'yankee', let her take care of mama herself?

3. Do you think that husband in question doesn't have relatives to take care of? Or has everyone in his own family died?

4. I can NEVER ask my husband to send money to my people, because luckily for me, my family members are self-sufficient. He should only send if he wants to, not begrudgingly, cos this can cause arguments in a family, soon mama will receive her daughter in MMIA with divorce papers.

5. I repeat, it's selfish and inconsiderate. At least suggest that you send money to mama to start up a small business, not sending her monthly salary. There are women in their seventies that still go to the farm, I'm guessing Mama is not that old.

6. Isn't it in the Bible that "a man shall leave his parents and go to his wife"?

7. Again, you said you're a MAN, emphasis on the word MAN, you work for your money. I'm guessing you're not married, when you do get married, and you're trying to fend for yourself and a family with an ifant, not forgetting your mother, I hope you make enough to add your wife's mother and her entire family to your feeding list, else......

A common Nigeria mentality assumes life overseas is a bed of roses,no wonder peeps pay thru d nose 2 get a visa 4 their relatives wt d mindset dt things will change 4 d better 4 d family 4getting d fact dat destiny has a role 2 play...Ur wife made a gud suggestn wch a Nigerian cud hv made nd there's nothing bad in dt...Sit her down nd intimate her fully on d level of ur income,ur standard of living buh come 2 think of it,she wud hv demanded if u weren't earning sth big,be dat as it may,schedule ur family mgt nd do dt wch is ok wt u

Dat is how all women behave,if u are not attention to ur family notin concerned them but their own is compulsory.my friend I wil advice u to do what ur power reach and if she insists let her add to it.

debrief08: You married a leech from a family of leeches. When they advice you men to marry hard working independent women you will say "they are hard to control", who does this in this age and time?
I do not know the advice to give you if your wife was here I would have adviced her that marriage is a partnership and not a one way street to just consume and consume and siphon money to her mother.
I do not know the impression you gave your wife before you married her, but all men looking for small girls to control, this is eventually what you get

gbam,! you are just to the point, he might have fluanted money and material things to get her, and now he want to relent

if I may quote Tom Leykkis of Leykkis 101 fame on this, "DTB":DUMP THAT B..TCH!!!

Do you think that husband in question doesn't have relatives to take care of? Or has everyone in his own family died?

4. I can NEVER ask my husband to send money to my people, because luckily for me, my family members are self-sufficient. He should only send if he wants to, not begrudgingly, cos this can cause arguments in a family, soon mama will receive her daughter in MMIA with divorce papers.

5. I repeat, it's selfish and inconsiderate. At least suggest that you send money to mama to start up a small business, not sending her monthly salary. There are women in their seventies that still go to the farm, I'm guessing Mama is not that old.

6. Isn't it in the Bible that "a man shall leave his parents and go to his wife"?

7. Again, you said you're a MAN, emphasis on the word MAN, you work for your money. I'm guessing you're not married, when you do get married, and you're trying to fend for yourself and a family with an ifant, not forgetting your mother, I hope you make enough to add your wife's mother and her entire family to your feeding list, else......

I like what this posts said,I have sent money to her,time without number to add to her business,bought a machine new to generate more money for Okada,new which I spent about 100k but the bike is sold now after 9months,but my wife is not talking of our children or our future home,all her thinking is her mum,so if a man should leave his family and join his wife and the wife should stay with her family? Just asking

Abuja1: Do you think that husband in question doesn't have relatives to take care of? Or has everyone in his own family died?

4. I can NEVER ask my husband to send money to my people, because luckily for me, my family members are self-sufficient. He should only send if he wants to, not begrudgingly, cos this can cause arguments in a family, soon mama will receive her daughter in MMIA with divorce papers.

5. I repeat, it's selfish and inconsiderate. At least suggest that you send money to mama to start up a small business, not sending her monthly salary. There are women in their seventies that still go to the farm, I'm guessing Mama is not that old.

6. Isn't it in the Bible that "a man shall leave his parents and go to his wife"?

7. Again, you said you're a MAN, emphasis on the word MAN, you work for your money. I'm guessing you're not married, when you do get married, and you're trying to fend for yourself and a family with an ifant, not forgetting your mother, I hope you make enough to add your wife's mother and her entire family to your feeding list, else......

I like what this posts said,I have sent money to her,time without number to add to her business,bought a machine new to generate more money for Okada,new which I spent about 100k but the bike is sold now after 9months,but my wife is not talking of our children or our future home,all her thinking is her mum,so if a man should leave his family and join his wife and the wife should stay with her family? Just asking

Guy, na wa for you. You need to understand that in most cases, the husband and wife must work in the western world. Do you think the western people that have both parties working are idiots? Guy, you better tell your wife to get a job. As long as her monthly intake is higher than the monthly daycare expense, you're good.

Ujujoan:

I think you are missing the point here completely. The poster mandated his wife NOT to work so he can further his career . . . while she stay home and takes care of their kids! If that is NOT slavery then I wonder what is.

The kids are theirs isn't it. Why cant they meet each other half way If he has to work half the time and then return home to be with the kids (since he doesn't want to pay for a sitter), and then let her do her own ?ob, will she ask him for money to send to her mom?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a master/slave r/ship.

I'm sure his wife has no qualms making her own money and supportring her mother. If however he refuses to let her work, he should be ready to take up some financial responsibilities on her behalf!

Take me for example, my mum's a widow and a pensioner and each and every one of us (her kids) contribute something for her upkeep on a monthly basis.

So if my husband decides (for some reason) that I need to stop working and be a stay at home mom, and I (for some reason) accept, isn't it proper that he steps up and contributes my part of my mum's upkeep

Does that make me and my family a leech

My post you quoted was not to the OP but to Ileobatojo.

My response to the OP is

dayokanu: Let your wife go and get a job and the money for daycare should be contributed by both.

When both of you contribute to the upkeep of the family after the family is done whatever she has left from her own salary she can send to her mom

Simple.

Thats a lesson for those who believe in importing wives from Village. who would turn to financial burden later on

Ujujoan:

Thank you Jenny!

I think Dayo has a phobia for spending money. It kind of makes his thoughts one-tracked when it comes to financial responsibilites of a husband. I pity e wife . . . she's in for a BIG fight!

Thats why I am choosing my wife properly. I would only marry someone who works and earn money.

Not someone who believes her husband is a meal ticket. As for house work We would share it and I might employ a domestic staff if the houseowrk get overwhelming.

My mom worked and Just retired in July. For a large part of her working years she did not have a car, washing machine, vacuum cleaner, dish washer etc. And both parents contributed to the upkeep of the family

dayokanu:

Thats why I am choosing my wife properly. I would only marry someone who works and earn money.

Not someone who believes her husband is a meal ticket. As for house work We would share it and I might employ a domestic staff if the houseowrk get overwhelming.

My mom worked and Just retired in July. For a large part of her working years she did not have a car, washing machine, vacuum cleaner, dish washer etc. And both parents contributed to the upkeep of the family

no matter how much a wife earns, the role of a husband is to be a protector and provider for his family, once u decide to involve the woman on what is ur role is, do not open your mouth and talk nonsense when she starts behaving like the other man of the house, because u practically gave her the right to do so. know that when you place some of ur duties as a man on her, dont expect her to be submissive.

mondi_cheeks:

no matter how much a wife earns, the role of a husband is to be a protector and provider for his family, once u decide to involve the woman on what is ur role is, do not open your mouth and talk nonsense when she starts behaving like the other man of the house, because u practically gave her the right to do so. know that when you place some of ur duties as a man on her, dont expect her to be submissive.

Actually my own wife is supposed to have equal right as I have in the house. I intend to marry a WIFE and not a SLAVE.

So she can behave anyhow in the house, She would have the same right as I have in the house.

Isnt it a pity that even some women believe they have lesser rights in their marital home. Contributing to a family you call yours is now a reason to declare ALUTA?

May God save us from leeches o

dayokanu:

Actually my own wife is supposed to have equal right as I have in the house. I intend to marry a WIFE and not a SLAVE.

So she can behave anyhow in the house, She would have the same right as I have in the house.

Isnt it a pity that even some women believe they have lesser rights in their marital home. Contributing to a family you call yours is now a reason to declare ALUTA?

May God save us from leeches o

gender equality means there are no restrictions to the role of a man or a woman in society, everyone is treated equally. it is not so that a woman can behave anyhow, but to award her with equal opportunities men have. common sense will tell you that if she doesnt work she cant get income and if she cant get income she will not be able to assist her parents financially. so if u decide to be a smartass about it and make her a house wife u better know that the burden of helping her family financially will rest on u, if there is any need to do so. its brainless men who run away from their responsiblities and blame their inadequacy on external things. if you know you will not to be able to take care of ur family, ur parents and her parents, its best you let her work so that she can do it her damn self!!! this does not require einstein to figure it out, its common sense!

mondi_cheeks:
gender equality means there are no restrictions to the role of a man or a woman in society, everyone is treated equally. it is not so that a woman can behave anyhow, but to award her with equal opportunities men have. common sense will tell you that if she doesnt work she cant get income and if she cant get income she will not be able to assist her parents financially. so if u decide to be a smartass about it and make her a house wife u better know that the burden of helping her family financially will rest on u, if there is any need to do so. its brainless men who run away from their responsiblities and blame their inadequacy on external things. if you know you will not to be able to take care of ur family, ur parents and her parents, its best you let her work so that she can do it her damn self!!! this does not require einstein to figure it out, its common sense!

My response to the OP is shown below

dayokanu: Let your wife go and get a job and the money for daycare should be contributed by both.

When both of you contribute to the upkeep of the family after the family is done whatever she has left from her own salary she can send to her mom

Simple.

Thats a lesson for those who believe in importing wives from Village. who would turn to financial burden later on

And where did you get the impression I want to make my wife a housewife when I openly said it I would never marry a housewife? Or you just coin out questions in your head and provide answers to them?

What common sense should tell anyone is that both husband and wife are equal partners in a marriage and I would never denigrate my wife not to talk anyhow, do anyhow. She is my wife and not my slave. She has the right to do anyhow.

Even if I make more money and contribute more to the household doesnt take away her right to do anyhow. Unlike you who believes A man should use his financial power to stifle his wife at home. To each his own