I am opening this thread to see the view of others over the issue of a man wanting to force out his woman or wife's e-mail/websites/forum/phone etc passwords from her [size=14pt]just to snoop on her and check whether she is being faithful or just to test whether she will agree to give it or not which to him shows her level of faithfulness.[/size] I was in a thread where a man was telling others how he tried to collect his woman's password from her and she refused and threatened to leave him. I couldn't believe my ears seeing posts of men supporting that she either gives him her password or she is being unfaithful for not giving and a woman saying something like "he is only a boyfriend & not even a husband yet, that she will only give her husband her password if he asks etc".

In my book no decent man questions a woman for her password just to confirm her faithfullness? No right thinking woman with her dignity intact gives her password to an imposing man that tries to subdue and snoop on her.[size=14pt] Exchange of password should be done willfully if the couple/persons are in agreement to say use their mail boxes together or send messages or posts for one another. I mean it has to be a willing thing two mature/loving persons are doing for themselves for some good reasons not for one to use it to keep a tab on the other or to be sure he/she is faithful.[/size]

It is a beautiful thing for a man and woman to have such understanding that they are very comfortable with each other enough to be logging in and out of each other's favorite websites with the password of the other as they like. When it gets to trying to subdue and dominate over a woman by forcing out her password from her, that is way out of decency-----that is barbaric. Is it not like hanging a snooping device on a woman which monitors her wherever she goes? What kind of man treats a woman like that if not an insecure man? The kind of man that maltreats a woman? I was surprised by some responses in that thread so much that I decided to open this thread to see the views of others as I am wondering whether I am the only one that sees something wrong with a man trying to force out his woman's pasword from her just for snooping sake.

Thread topic referenced this thread link https://www.nairaland.com/1094289/separated-facebook-password#12846768

Siena: No, I don't think he should.

There was cheating long before the internet, and cellphones. Just makes sure you're with a partner you trust, that's all.

It's refreshing to hear from a man who doesn't agree with such high handedness/impositions, I was beginning to wonder whether things have deteriorated to an extent that most people now have the "dominate-her-at-all-cost" mentality and can go to any length to corrode off the dignity of their spouse through all manner of abuse and antics.

Yes, all young men should have their wives password to all things like emails, facebook etc. You can get he passwords either openly or with subterfuge. The important thing is to be in a position to monitor her activities.

I can't believe someone has actually started a conversation about the same issue that brought me here! I wanted to seek advice on this very same question. My husbad has recently said to me that if I dont let him read my Facebook and other personal media, he can never trust me and we have to break up.

I am not a Nigerian, but have been married to a Nigerian over 10 years now. We live in my country where he had already been living for years before we met. So, we married for love, not for papers, money etc. We are both attractive, social, outgoing people and we have a lot in common. Nevertheless, we have had serious problems in our relationship and he has totally ruined my self-esteem. For at least the first five years of our relationship he cheated on me constantly. He even had a child outside our marriage, and the child is almost the same age as our second child. I forgave him, over and over and over again. He begged me not to leave him, did everything to win me back, only to hurt me again. We sought counseling and worked hard for our marriage. For a couple of years now, things have been a lot better. But my wounds havent healed. I am still hurt and I still have serious problems trusting him. I have told him that the only way I can ever heal is that he has to help me. He has to lick my wounds and make me feel better. Still, he doesnt get it.

I know I am a beautiful woman but my husband has made me feel just the opposite. I feel not wanted but taken for granted and just plain useless. My husband knows he is not playing his part but still does nothing about it. A few weeks ago I went dancing with my girlfriends and met a man who did everything humanly possible to sweep me off my feet. He made me feel like a woman for the first time in ages. I kissed him, and almost went too far and followed him home, but got back to my senses and left him in the club. I didnt tell my husband this until he went and read private messages I had written with my girlfriends in Facebook. Obviously, he went ballistic. After that our house has been a battle ground. He now thinks that I am hiding all kinds of other things from him also and that I will leave him for another man or start cheating on him. He thinks that he should have free access to my passwords now so that he can start trusting me again. I do not agree. He has no right to force me, or threaten me with divorce. I have put up with all the humiliations you can think of but this is too much. It is not only my texts and conversations he will see from my e-mails and profiles, it is my friends' personal issues also. And they are none of his business.

I think my husband is totally overreacting. If you compare what I have done to what he has done, this is just ridiculous. But what an earth should I do?

I think you both have done wrong.

For e relationship to carry on after betrayel, the trust need to be restored, on both parts. You need to see you can trust him, and he need to see that you trust him. For him, this probably feels like a pay-back, and he worries you will go further, like he did. And I understand that.
At the same time, he should be working his butt off to gain your trust again.

No, he should not have cheated. And no, to make the relationship better, YOU should not have cheated either. Two wrongs don`t make a right..

You need to talk to your man, and explain why this happen. If you two can not work things out and be faithful to each other, you should either break up, or have an open marriage. Betrayel, lies and cheating behind each others back will do none of you any good.

JallowBah: I think you both have done wrong.

For e relationship to carry on after betrayel, the trust need to be restored, on both parts. You need to see you can trust him, and he need to see that you trust him. For him, this probably feels like a pay-back, and he worries you will go further, like he did. And I understand that.
At the same time, he should be working his butt off to gain your trust again.

No, he should not have cheated. And no, to make the relationship better, YOU should not have cheated either. Two wrongs don`t make a right..

You need to talk to your man, and explain why this happen. If you two can not work things out and be faithful to each other, you should either break up, or have an open marriage. Betrayel, lies and cheating behind each others back will do none of you any good.

Yes, I totally agree that we have both done wrong. We have talked about this for days now and I have explained all the reasons, all my feelings - everything you can think of. I have no intention of ever doing anything like that again but he doesnt believe me. I feel betrayed. I forgave him over and over again, but when I make one mistake he threatens to leave me. And this password issue...oh dear. I cannot let him read all my conversations with everybody, all my friends' secrets and all. I also think that even in this situation, and even as a married woman, I still have a right for some privacy. I dont need to open my brains up for him.

marikaV:

Yes, I totally agree that we have both done wrong. We have talked about this for days now and I have explained all the reasons, all my feelings - everything you can think of. I have no intention of ever doing anything like that again but he doesnt believe me. I feel betrayed. I forgave him over and over again, but when I make one mistake he threatens to leave me. And this password issue...oh dear. I cannot let him read all my conversations with everybody, all my friends' secrets and all. I also think that even in this situation, and even as a married woman, I still have a right for some privacy. I dont need to open my brains up for him.

I see your point there. But when he found this through messages, he probably want to make sure there is nothing more you are hiding. And I understand him.

But what do you want in this marriage? YOu want to stay? You think he will remain faithful to you, or do you think he will slip again?

JallowBah:

I see your point there. But when he found this through messages, he probably want to make sure there is nothing more you are hiding. And I understand him.

But what do you want in this marriage? YOu want to stay? You think he will remain faithful to you, or do you think he will slip again?

He doesnt behave the same way anymore. I always knew when he had something going on. It was too obvious. He is not like that anymore, so he really has changed, I acknowledge that. But still, I dont know if he will cheat on me again. I just dont know.

I really want to stay. I love him with all my heart. I dont even know how it is possible after all that has happened, but I really do still love him. And I have worked too hard to let it all go. We also have three kids to think of.

marikaV:

He doesnt behave the same way anymore. I always knew when he had something going on. It was too obvious. He is not like that anymore, so he really has changed, I acknowledge that. But still, I dont know if he will cheat on me again. I just dont know.

I really want to stay. I love him with all my heart. I dont even know how it is possible after all that has happened, but I really do still love him. And I have worked too hard to let it all go. We also have three kids to think of.

Kids are happy when their parents are happy. Either together, or apart.

Get counseling. And don`t fight or bring any of this up in front of the kids. It takes two to make a marriage work, and it might be extra hurtful for him that you did this when things started to go good for you ( your words.. ). Get counseling together. Find back to the reason you fell in love with each other. Ask yourself what it takes for you to trust him, and tell him what it takes. Ask him the same; what does it takes for him to trust you?

How about you both seek marriage counselling huh?
You've both done wrong, and don't trust eachother. Divorce cannot be an option because there are children to think about. If you're really interested in keeping your marriage then convince him it's time you both sought help outside. Get a third party, someone you both can trust. Get everything u've got against eachother out and then start working on yourselves.

P.S. Don't ever put personal info on Facebook.

JallowBah:

Kids are happy when their parents are happy. Either together, or apart.

Get counseling. And don`t fight or bring any of this up in front of the kids. It takes two to make a marriage work, and it might be extra hurtful for him that you did this when things started to go good for you ( your words.. ). Get counseling together. Find back to the reason you fell in love with each other. Ask yourself what it takes for you to trust him, and tell him what it takes. Ask him the same; what does it takes for him to trust you?

He thinks the only way he can trust me is to read my mails, check my phone and my Facebook. I don't think it is necessary. Even if it is, I still dont know how I could let him do that. I would break the trust that other people have for me by letting him see all our conversations. Already, a few of my friends have blocked me from Fb because of this. The community of Nigerians is small in this country, and they are other wifes of Nigerians involved in this. So, is it fair that we involve all those couples in our problems.

uj_sizzle: How about you both seek marriage counselling huh?
You've both done wrong, and don't trust eachother. Divorce cannot be an option because there are children to think about. If you're really interested in keeping your marriage then convince him it's time you both sought help outside. Get a third party, someone you both can trust. Get everything u've got against eachother out and then start working on yourselves.

P.S. Don't ever put personal info on Facebook.

It is very difficult to get counseling in English in this country. And using my native language would be very difficult for my husband. Of course he can manage with the language in evryday life but talking about issues like this? No, too confusing. I have considered talking to his brother about this but I dont know if it would help. At least I have to seek my husband approval before I do that.

They look to find a counselour who speaks english. There probably is at least ONE.
Or, if you both attend one church/mosque, ask for counseling with a priest/imam.

JallowBah: They look to find a counselour who speaks english. There probably is at least ONE.
Or, if you both attend one church/mosque, ask for counseling with a priest/imam.

Yes, I will try to do that. This is really eating me up. My husband, the big, bold and brave man, has been crying, literally, like a baby here. I know he doenst want to break up, either. But it is really too bad that he has to start talking about it like that. I never did that to him. But of course, we react differently to things.

marikaV:

Yes, I will try to do that. This is really eating me up. My husband, the big, bold and brave man, has been crying, literally, like a baby here. I know he doenst want to break up, either. But it is really too bad that he has to start talking about it like that. I never did that to him. But of course, we react differently to things.

Well, maybe you also should tell him that now he know how you have felt over, and over, and over. It does NOT justify what you did, but some people need to be in your shoes to see your point.
Sit down with him tonight when the kids are to bed, tell him you wish to find a counselor for the two of you, because you wish to make things work.

marikaV:

Yes, I totally agree that we have both done wrong. We have talked about this for days now and I have explained all the reasons, all my feelings - everything you can think of. I have no intention of ever doing anything like that again but he doesnt believe me. I feel betrayed. I forgave him over and over again, but when I make one mistake he threatens to leave me. And this password issue...oh dear. I cannot let him read all my conversations with everybody, all my friends' secrets and all. I also think that even in this situation, and even as a married woman, I still have a right for some privacy. I dont need to open my brains up for him.

It takes a person with her self worth intact to know that you don't need to open your brains and intestines up for him.
He is abusing you emotionally girl, I also agree that you both seek counselling and it is important that whoever is counselling let him realize that he is abusing you emotionally over and over again so that he can stop. Pull yourself together and don't allow his maltreatments make you cheat okay. I want your marriage to work, I really do-----work on it dearie.

marikaV:
He thinks the only way he can trust me is to read my mails, check my phone and my Facebook. I don't think it is necessary. Even if it is, I still dont know how I could let him do that. I would break the trust that other people have for me by letting him see all our conversations. Already, a few of my friends have blocked me from Fb because of this. The community of Nigerians is small in this country, and they are other wifes of Nigerians involved in this. So, is it fair that we involve all those couples in our problems.

You had friends cut you off from facebook because they don't want your husband in on their personal business when he goes rummaging through your account. These are people that realized that it's wrong for him to impose that on you.

JallowBah:
I see your point there. But when he found this through messages, he probably want to make sure there is nothing more you are hiding. And I understand him. But what do you want in this marriage? YOu want to stay? You think he will remain faithful to you, or do you think he will slip again?

Jallow you are doing a good job chatting Marika up and diagnosing her marital problem. If she gives him the password and he snoops for a month and feels okay that she is not hiding secret lovers that is not solving the problem because she is smart enough to keep her dealings off her facebook if she wants to delve into cheating so giving him access to her facebook for him to be keeping tabs on her isn't helping anything. It even sounds sickening for a man to go snooping and sweeping the account to check on things.

Johndoe100: Yes, all young men should have their wives password to all things like emails, facebook etc. You can get he passwords either openly or with subterfuge. The important thing is to be in a position to monitor her activities.

It will be nice if the young men get into the body of their wives and be rummaging through their intestines to monitor things and they can as well strap on some electronics snooping gadget on their wives' v*ginal wall while they are at it. Huh!

Ivynwa:
Jallow you are doing a good job chatting Marika up and diagnosing her marital problem. If she gives him the password and he snoops for a month and feels okay that she is not hiding secret lovers that is not solving the problem because she is smart enough to keep her dealings off her facebook if she wants to delve into cheating so giving him access to her facebook for him to be keeping tabs on her isn't helping anything. It even sounds sickening for a man to go snooping and sweeping the account to check on things.

No, it is not a guarantee, but for some, it would help to know that "ok, she has told me everything there was to tell." I can only speak for my self..if my hubby cheated, I would like to read the messages he get/got, and go through his facebook, absolutely. But thats ME.

JallowBah:

No, it is not a guarantee, but for some, it would help to know that "ok, she has told me everything there was to tell." I can only speak for my self..if my hubby cheated, I would like to read the messages he get/got, and go through his facebook, absolutely. But thats ME.

He can take his amorous conversations elsewhere while leaving his facebook for you to be rummaging on as you like. I am surprised that you will want to demand for password from your man, guess we defer on that. I still believe that that is not appropriate. Have a nice day Jallow.

Ivynwa:

He can take his amorous conversations elsewhere while leaving his facebook for you to be rummaging on as you like. I am surprised that you will want to demand for password from your man, guess we defer on that. I still believe that that is not appropriate. Have a nice day Jallow.

We can`t agree on eveything And yes, he can. But at the same time, it would be a feeling of safety for me.

JallowBah:

[b]We can`t agree on eveything [/b]And yes, he can. But at the same time, it would be a feeling of safety for me.

Definitely Babes, we sure can't agree on everything even when we both like music of them gyals dipping an' a drop it. Lol,
I gotta get offline now. Talk to you later Babes.

Personally, I can't stand the idea of giving out my password to hubby just so he can go snooping around. When we were dating, my husband asked us to exchange passwords and I immediately shut that idea down. I used to leave my Facebook open but the day I found out he had been snooping through it was the day I changed the password and stopped staying logged on. Funny enough, I am long back to staying logged on to Facebook and my email even when I'm not home but if I find out he has been snooping, I will start logging off again. Call me a trouble maker but it truly irritates me.

ileobatojo: Personally, I can't stand the idea of giving out my password to hubby just so he can go snooping around. When we were dating, my husband asked us to exchange passwords and I immediately shut that idea down. I used to leave my Facebook open but the day I found out he had been snooping through it was the day I changed the password and stopped staying logged on. Funny enough, I am long back to staying logged on to Facebook and my email even when I'm not home but if I find out he has been snooping, I will start logging off again. Call me a trouble maker but it truly irritates me.

@Ileobatojo
This is the first time I am realizing that you are female, I use to see this poster as a male figure may be it's because I never took out time to watch your posts to check that. I know I always come across nice posts of yours.
If I use computer with somebody else then I know better than deleting my histories, not staying logged on and not storing the passord automatically unless it is somebody I have no problem letting in on my business. Only Couples sharing stuffs online comfortably too can comfortably be staying logged on like that while using same laptop.

Ivynwa:



@Ileobatojo
This is the first time I am realizing that you are female, I use to see this poster as a male figure may be it's because I never took out time to watch your posts to check that. I know I always come across nice posts of yours.
If I use computer with somebody else then I know better than deleting my histories, not staying logged on and not storing the passord automatically unless it is somebody I have no problem letting in on my business. Only Couples sharing stuffs online comfortably too can comfortably be staying logged on like that while using same laptop.

people would cheat whether they give you passwords or not so only naivety would make a partner ask for passwords.........i have never demanded any password from my partner, even if she gives it to me, i would not check. knowing a partner's email address does not mean he/she would not cheat - she might have 15 other facebook accounts, 20 other email addresses, etc!

Ivynwa:



@Ileobatojo
This is the first time I am realizing that you are female, I use to see this poster as a male figure may be it's because I never took out time to watch your posts to check that. I know I always come across nice posts of yours.
If I use computer with somebody else then I know better than deleting my histories, not staying logged on and not storing the passord automatically unless it is somebody I have no problem letting in on my business. Only Couples sharing stuffs online comfortably too can comfortably be staying logged on like that while using same laptop.

Lol. I need to start giving out some more feminine vibes, a lot of people seem to think I'm a guy

We use different laptops and I don't lock mine away so he could easily access it if he wanted to. I just mustn't catch him.