my husband is spending all his free time on the phone talking to his friends and family, browsing his iphone or sleeping. i tried to talk to him about this, but he is saying that he is tired. all the time tired. i'm thinking that he suffer of depression and i told him to see a doctor, but he refuses. he is not interested in anything and if i ask him to do something,is not happy. we are married for the past 4 years and it wasnt like this at the beggining, but now looking back i see that is a growing process; because i was busy with work and raising the child, i didn't realise it. in the same time i know that nigerian men(at least the people i know in my community) are not to much involved in the family life; as long they go to work and provide, their jobs is done. i'm feeling frustrated of all this "absence", because i feel that we are becoming strangers. any idea what is going on?

Where is DEBRIFE08,GREATGOD2012 & CHAIRCOVER? Pls ur needed here. @op dis pple i mentioned will giv u a good advise on wat to do

Does he have a job?
Did he suffer a loss recently?
You said you have been engrossed with Baby and Work, I know when most people feel alone and bored their phone is their company.
Instead of pushing him to a therapist ( You are Oyibo am sure), my people won't go oh, going there means you get metal Problem which is not an open issue down here.
Try to talk with him, take time away and bring him out of his shell, know what's wrong first and if you can't handle it then consider Theraphy, don't push a Nigerian man to go and see phsycia.
We get so caught up sometimes we forget each other, Its not your fault, happens to us all.
A few weeks ago I shared how I just called my husband to say " I Love You, and he was stunned, with kids and work, we tend to forget each other and when one spouse is less busy than the other he/ she looks for things to keep him /her busy and these things can get addictive.
Just takke time out and speak with him and then work out a scedule that includes him in your life.

We new mothers have to be careful not to replace our husbands

desirel: my husband is spending all his free time on the phone talking to his friends and family, browsing his iphone or sleeping. i tried to talk to him about this, but he is saying that he is tired. all the time tired. i'm thinking that he suffer of depression and i told him to see a doctor, but he refuses. he is not interested in anything and if i ask him to do something,is not happy. we are married for the past 4 years and it wasnt like this at the beggining, but now looking back i see that is a growing process; because i was busy with work and raising the child, i didn't realise it. in the same time i know that nigerian men(at least the people i know in my community) are not to much involved in the family life; as long they go to work and provide, their jobs is done. i'm feeling frustrated of all this "absence", because i feel that we are becoming strangers. any idea what is going on?

i dont really get this, did he lost his job and refuse to look for another job?
Has he been jobless from d beginning?
Do you mean, hes always at home, calling frineds on phone and lazing around when he's suppose to be in his place of work?
OR


During his free time, he has refused to be helping you as regards house chores, instead, he prefer calling friends and giving you excuse of being tired?

If d former is what is happening, then, depression and frustration have set in, take it easy with him, let him get over d joblessness.



If d latter is what is happening, i will like to ask you, when he was helping out, did you usually appreciate him or you think, its his duty?
Do you always complain of not doing certain things right in d house?
What type of pple do you think his friend are, are they d types that think d way he thinks or are they d ones u think can be discouraging him not to help you out in household chores.

In any of d case, do what you can, when you can, talk to him about how you feel, ask him questions about his feelings and reasons for his actions, hes your hubby, you should be able to know d right time to approach him.
May God help us all.

If you paid attention prior to marriage, you would have realized that your husband is just being a typical African man. You need to start thinking of ways to entertain yourself away from your husband. WE ARE BLACK PEOPLE. Stop trying to be like 'The Beavers'!

Nigerian men are physical creatures. They were NEVER family-oriented even before their ancestors were conceived.

Please, stop stressing you and him.

You cannot force water from a broken, dry coconut!

i told u dis Women/Ladies have good stuff up there. @Op its remainin Chaircover.

thanks everyone for your input. he has a steady job and he is working, but when he is at home, i can't take him out of that bed or to do spend some time like family. yes i'm white, and i talked to him and try to understand what is going on, but he doesnt want to talk; he is fine; everything it's ok from his point of view. he stopped going to church; speaking on the phne, browsing the internet and sleeping are the best activities. for a while i said ok, we all have times when we want to be alone and need space and i let him be free, but this situation is going more then 12 months. that's way i thaught therapy will help.

i try to keep myself happy and i have friends, but that's not enough; i want a family and i want my husband to be involved in our marriage.

@debrief- i'm the one who always saying i love you and care; lately even this is annoying for him, so i stopped.

Did you use JAZZ to make him your husband?
Maybe the juju is beginning to fail.
Please, contact your DIBIA for a BOOSTER-SHOT!

Seriously!

I have seen lots of these kinds of things from NOLLYWOOD 'Kas-Vid' productions.

Just saaaaaaayin'

Possibly having an afair?

I don't like going around in circles... but hit the nail on the head... You need to sit him down and talk.

Uninterested in spending time with his family but rather bbm and chat in the phone and he goes out everyday to work?

My dear , I'm giving it to you like my own flesh... you guys should go for coffee and talk, not movies o ... quite bistro place or coffee shop and talk, no yelling, cry , bawl if you can, it's allowed.

Dis 'disconnect' btw U 2 is a sensitive thing.
How its handled will determine wat d outcome will be.

4get telling him 2 see a therapist!
I wouldnt go if I were him.

U hav 2 re-establish d communication line.

Be practical. How much of domestic chores do U do?
Make Ur house look simple, spacious and clean. Some pple cant think straight in a 'stuffy', poorly ventilated house.

Then ask his opinion/advice abt things dat matter 2U. Like Ur job, or a project U want 2 undertake. Make him think critically abt things that are nt love related. Take his advice seriously.

Gradually open d communication lines.

Who pays all the bills ?

And if I'm not intruding ... how often do you guys make love or is he depressed' in that dept too?

Answer if you can then the Men here will tell you the prognosis of his depression.

ifyalways: Who pays all the bills ?

Ify a family man is withdrawn from his wife and rather cuddle his toys and outside world .... and he has a job , possibly mingle and chat with them( co workers) day in & out ....comes back home with a poker face. and he's depressed?

Im sorry to ask dis questn, did he marry you in order to get papers, if yes and unable to get it yet, that could be a reason for his withdrawer/playing safe with you.


Another factor may be what Jidegirl thought of........,maybe, hes already entangled with a strange woman, which may not be easy for him to tell you.


Do you have kids for him yet? If no, some typical nigeria men wont be happy with their wives, if shes yet to make him a father,and being a white, he has to be careful with you.


However and whatever may seem to be d case, you know your hubby more than anybody else, find an appropriate time to sit him down and express your mind, if at first or second attempt, hes not giving you d desired attention, then mail him.....send a comprehensive e-mail into his inbox and request him to reply......

Also, if there are kids, push d kids to him to go and play with him in d room,then, thereafter join them there.
May God help us all.

1. both of us are paying the bills. last year i worked less, but i have some proprieties(before marriage) that bring us money. monthly we are sending money to his parents in nigeria.
2. we don't have sex; last year we had few times; he is not interested, and i'm tired to ask of it.
3. it's not juju/jazz; i didnt know about this untill i married him. i wish what i experience will be a movie, but no: it's reality.

yes, sending him to therapy is not working, but again what should i do? he is not open to talk about anything; for him everything it's ok. so....
anyway thanks for advices.

Some people work hard and work long hours. After work they just want to relax and have some peace. I really dont think there is anything wrong with that. Not everyone is always so hyped with energy. Why dont you leave him alone. And on saturdays or weekends find fun things to do as family? Tell him in advance what you want to do, and you all should do it as a family. It may just be his him time. For me, my bed is my sanctuary as well. Its so soft and comfortable. I hardly even watch TV. When all the brain cells have been used up and are tired.

jidegirl12:

Ify a family man is withdrawn from his wife and rather cuddle his toys and outside world .... and he has a job , possibly mingle and chat with them( co workers) day in & out ....comes back home with a poker face. and he's depressed?

I missed the "he goes to work" part.
@OP, was the marriage influenced by pregnancy or papers?
The man has obviously lost interest and the only way out is to find out; ask him, talk with him.
Sad truth and reality is that if he's truly done with you, no amount of loving him up, praying or nagging can bring him back.

Or he's just stressed up about something. Find out what!
All the best.

Something in his PAST must be hunting 'im! H-aaaaassim if he ra-ped and killed any lady in his youth, if he was ever in a CULT? Or joined an armed robbery gang of murderers. Many Nigerian men DID all these and more. He must have offended one or many. They are troubling his body and spirit with their anger and curses. HE NEEDS TO CONFESS, BEFORE HE PERISHES with MAJOR DEPRESSION. His heart and soul are heavily-burdened.

He needs to SEARCH himself weeeeelllll.

Something very UNPLEASANT is weighing on his conscience.

desirel: 1. both of us are paying the bills. last year i worked less, but i have some proprieties(before marriage) that bring us money. monthly we are sending money to his parents in nigeria.
2. we don't have sex; last year we had few times; he is not interested, and i'm tired to ask of it.
3. it's not juju/jazz; i didnt know about this untill i married him. i wish what i experience will be a movie, but no: it's reality.

yes, sending him to therapy is not working, but again what should i do? he is not open to talk about anything; for him everything it's ok. so....
anyway thanks for advices.

Don't worry bout ^^1&3 dear... I presumed you're helping too so don't feel guilty bout anything.

Oh so you had sex only few times in a 365days?

I also presumed he must be fond of going out with his friends too right? Pls answer if you can.

Your man is getting it outside... withdraw all his access to your properties and only deal with cash contributions from both ends.... You'd thank me later.

@Baby you dey she mi o again you know what's up

Gambrosia: Something in his PAST must be hunting 'Iim!
H-ass 'Im if he ra-ped and killed any lady in his youth, if he was ever in a CULT?

Something very UNPLEASANT is weighing on his conscience.

oga o....
Ẹ ma le gan....Bawo lẹ ṣe mọ?

jidegirl12:

Don't worry bout ^^1&3 dear... I presumed you're helping too so don't feel guilty bout anything.

Oh so you had sex only few times in a 365days?

I also presumed he must be fond of going out with his friends too right? Pls answer if you can.

Your man is getting it outside... withdraw all his access to your properties and only deal with cash contributions from both ends.... You'd thank me later.

@Baby you dey she mi o again you know what's up

No really. If it is during the week days, then its obvious. Me, i like my space and prefer to either cuddle in bed or read a book in bed. I dont think we should scare her unnecessarily. It may really be nothing after all. Until she has evidence, she shouldnt assume. Assumptions are the mother of all fuckups. The guy may also be dealing with deeper issues, that he doesnt want to bother his wife about. Maybe stress at work or neglect at home which has made him find coping strategies.

Winneygirl:

oga o....
Ẹ ma le gan....Bawo lẹ ṣe mọ?

Hmmmm!

E Jo ko si'm be. Se o gbo?
Ku ro!

- he had papers when we married; he was in some cult when he was "young and foolish", but Christ found him and he repent.
- we have a 3 years old child.
- he doesn't go anywhere; not with his friends, not with me, not to church. he only talk on the phone in igbo with his friends/family so i don't understand(only few words).
- it's possible to have a relationship online/phone, but i dont know for sure.i asked him about it, but he denied.
- legally he doesnt have rights over my proprities, not now or in case of separation/divorce/death.

O pa ri!
O ku rin MERIN!!!
Igbo?
Cult?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! "AGBALAGBA OMO OTOKOTO" ni yen o!!!!

Packing my 'oracle' beads and exiting hastily through the back door!

Errrrr, OP. . . . Goodluck with ya son.

Washing my hands thoroughly.

Gambrosia: O pa ri!
O ku rin MERIN!!!
Igbo?
Cult?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! "AGBALAGBA OMO OTOKOTO" ni yen o!!!!

Packing my 'oracle' beads and exiting hastily through the back door!

Errrrr, OP. . . . Goodluck with ya son.

Washing my hands thoroughly.

i don't understand all; please translate.
he was in something relating to money; his uncle introduce him, but after he return to Christ, repented and stopped. he told me that from all his friends/ work mates that join the cult he is the only alive, because of Christ. that time, 20years ago they were all working for his uncle company. he never told me what exactly they were doing in that cult.

desirel:

i don't understand all; please translate.
he was in something relating to money; his uncle introduce him, but after he return to Christ, repented and stopped. he told me that from all his friends/ work mates that join the cult he is the only alive, because of Christ. that time, 20years ago they were all working for his uncle company. he never told me what exactly they were doing in that cult.

there's nothing to it - stop worrying
the man is just taking his time - how old is he and what does he do for a living? does he spend long hours at work? does he travel long hours? sometimes, i wanna be alone too and just be in my own zone without disturbance. every man goes through that phase once in a while. communicate with your husband - let him tell you what he's going through and the solution won't be far from that. the cult angle is bollocks - there's no cult anywhere, just some misguided fools using some weird excuses to kill other people.

coogar:

there's nothing to it - stop worrying
the man is just taking his time - how old is he and what does he do for a living? does he spend long hours at work? does he travel long hours? sometimes, i wanna be alone too and just be in my own zone without disturbance. every man goes through that phase once in a while. communicate with your husband - let him tell you what he's going through and the solution won't be far from that. the cult angle is bollocks - there's no cult anywhere, just some misguided fools using some weird excuses to kill other people.

Cooger .... you never seized to amuse me with this toddler treatment side of you...that ^^^^^

...but it's non of my business cult or no cult ... what concern me is OP's happiness.

A family man wants to be alone but he still communicate ( talks and send text messages) with other people via his toys during his alone time he really needed because he's a baby?...... He goes to work everyday and no concerns was raised due to his ''sudden/unusual'' change in behaviour or OP would've mentioned that.(OP , pls say so if there was )

Are you for real? What does he do for a living? An Igbo man for that matter ..that are prominently known to be very hardworking ? Are you kidding me? Worst job; works in a rig and so ?

...@baby even said the wife should postpone all their lovey dovie until weekend cos weekdays are always tedious so majority of married folks don't knack on weekdays ko?

Once in a while phase; and from what age range is this 'phase' and how long is it gonna take o mr cooger? So I will brace myself too.

OP I am glad all your properties are safe ... Nothing to be scared about ... you're adult , be strong and Goodluck.

jidegirl12:
Cooger .... you never seized to amuse me with this toddler treatment side of you...that ^^^^^ ...but it's non of my business cult or no cult ... what concern me is OP's happiness.

abeggi, carry your yeye beliefs away from me? which cultism are you talking about? excuses to perpetrate evil = cultism in nigeria. shaking my head!!! everything is a cult. if it's that simple - bloods/crips are a cult. boko haram is a cult. hell, al qaeda is also a cult. when would nigerians open their eyes and realise these people just gather together and fleece the other members to perpetrate evil. cultism my white buttcheek!

A family man wants to be alone but he still communicate ( talks and send text messages) with other people via his toys during his alone time he really needed because he's a baby?......

does he spend 24 hrs on the phone? you want to compare calls of few minutes to actually having a woman tower over you and tell you things you are not interested in? shyte gets boring after a while.

He goes to work everyday and no concerns was raised due to his ''sudden/unusual'' change in behaviour or OP would've mentioned that.(OP , pls say so if there was )
Are you for real? What does he do for a living? An Igbo man for that matter ..that are prominently known to be very hardworking ? Are you kidding me? Worst job; works in a rig and so ?

sometimes the job thing takes a toll on certain individuals
waking up and doing the same stuff everyday can be very agonising. wake-eat-work-eat- sleep and repeat till fade. blimey, i have been opportuned to speak to several married men who have complained of this to me......but those ones go to the pub to unwind. watch a football game, knock few bottles and merry but that's in the uk(a more compact country). america is different!

Once in a while phase; and from what age range is this 'phase' and how long is it gonna take o mr cooger? So i will brace myself too.

it can happen anytime.......so brace yourself and be prepared for it!

desirel:


i don't understand all; please translate.
he was in something relating to money; his uncle introduce him, but after he return to Christ, repented and stopped. he told me that from all his friends/ work mates that join the cult he is the only alive, because of Christ. that time, 20years ago they were all working for his uncle company. he never told me what exactly they were doing in that cult.

Seriously, you are worrying yourself for natin. Cult or not, not your headache.
Like ALL married men, ESPECIALLY NIGERIAN/AFRICAN ONES, boredom has set in. He needs some SPACE! Let him be. You cannot force a horse to drink water, even after succeeding in dragging it to the stream. The older you get in marriage, the more you realize that you have less in common with your spouse. Only the children will be your common denominator. You need to learn how NOT TO GIVVVA DAMN. For your own sanity!

Just do like I would do : BONE THE DUDE!!!!

A 4 years old marriage? Okay o.

Then just stop. Let him be, stop crying, Begging and asking.
There is not much you can do. Its up to him to decide to come out of his hole and stop ignoring his family, not much you can do.
Do your own things, when he is ready he will come off it. Stop worrying your head.

But let him know that the longer it takes the more disconnected from him you feel.
Hopefully when he decides to fund his way back to the reality he has he wouldn't have lost it

2 week marriage don stale, not to talk of 2- year marriages. Nor be Nigerian abeg-gif-me-belle-make-I-h-answer-MRS type of marriages?

Mu he he he he he

Next time, marry Oyinbo man if you want Oyinbo marriage! Shioooooooor!!!

The man has fulfilled his end of the bargain. The rest is not his consain. Ashawo full for road. Ya toto done stale!!! Deal wirrrrtit like a REEEEEAL WOMAN!!!

THIS IS AFRICA!!!! Ladies, GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND STOP WHINING!!!

Afterall, most of 'us' so-called married women sleep on NL even worse than the 'single' ones. With 2000 user IDs o!

Why not go and sleep on your husbands 24/7? Even when the so-called 'husbands' quench with h-assassination bullets and remote control JUJU-SPIRITUAL H-ARROWS. . . . OTHER MORE BEAUTIFUL concubines are found on their corpses! Dem go carry banner and aso-ebi dey do 'MY FELLOW WIDOWS' in Ogboni-Okija Christ . . . Come dey disturb us on and offline with them fake lives!!! Mtcheeeeeereeew!!!!

Most on NL have not even set eyes on their husband's blokoses in months, but will come online to pose! Even pictures of the 'fictitious' husbands we have never seen. Even if e look like 'KUNTA KINTE'!!!

Sheeeeeeeesh! Who is zoooooming who?

Thain my Agnostic GAAAD for h-opin marriages jare. I have finished with the husband this week! Off to DISNEY in 2 weeks with the loaded MARRIED politician-looter boyfriend!

I nor send! No teeth for WWWWOTTEN MEAT!!!